VOD Review: Girlhouse (2015)

When it comes to actor-turned-director Trevor Matthews, we weren't always a fan of his work. We hated his 2007 effort, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, and basically wrote him off as some no-talent hack that wouldn't ever do much after that mess of a movie... and then he wrote and produced one of our favorite movies of 2011, The Shrine.

We really loved The Shrine (our review HERE), and we had no problem immediately eating crow and admitting that we misjudged Mr. Matthew's talent. Now with Girlhouse, we're even more convinced that he knows his Horror business, because it was one of the best pure slasher flicks that we've seen in forever.

When two mean little girls convince a fat kid to drop trau and show them his little weenis -and then laugh at him and tell him it looks like an acorn- they unknowingly doom the poor kid to a life of social awkwardness, and killing whores.

CAT GIRL IS A LITTLE BITCH.

Years after the tragic acorn incident, we meet Kylie: a sexy, cash-strapped College student who decides to become a Camwhore so that she can pay her tuition and buy groceries and such. She movies into the Girlhouse mansion with a bunch of other Camwhores, and together they siphon the money form a bunch of hapless losers who are too stupid to realize that the Internet is full of free porn.

SHE'S HOT AND ALL, BUT I'M NOT PAYING TO WATCH HER DANCE AROUND HALF-NAKED.

Kylie is an instant hit with the masturbating masses, especially with Loverboy (the fat kid from the acorn incident), who is all grown up now, and still has plenty of anger issues towards women. When Kylie slights him by not being nice enough, he pretty much loses his shit and decides to track her down at the Girlhouse, presumably to discuss his feelings with her in a calm, rational manner.

HE CERTAINLY LOOKS RATIONAL.

Loverboy decides that rational discussion is for sane people, and instead starts killing Camwhores and anyone else who gets in his way. This whole situation is exactly why bullying is such a big deal, because it creates serial killers. Mayhem ensues.

THERE'S NOTHING NOT TERRIFYING ABOUT THAT.

We went into Girlhouse with high hopes, mainly because we loved Trevor Matthew's The Shrine, we're fans of Slaine, and we're all for slasher flicks that involve a gaggle of hot & naked chicks getting killed off in grisly ways. It's nice to be able to say that this one rose well beyond our expectations, and that we enjoyed the hell out of it from start to finish.

From the crazy opening scene that made us yell a collective "Damn!," we knew that Girlhouse was going to be a bit different. Sure, it's a slasher flick, and even the best of those don't usually end up being anything special these days, but Girlhouse is different. From script to direction, it was well-executed, and aside from some convenient plot devices, it didn't insult our intelligence. At least not too much.

The thing that really made Girlhouse stand out and work so well was its cast. Just about everyone in this movie acted their asses off and were way better than the acting talent you find in most flicks of this type. Ali Cobrin made for a great final girl, and Boston bad boy Slaine played Loverboy with the perfect amount of ferocity. Loverboy was a cool Movie Maniac, and a fairly terrifying one that genuinely skeeved us out more than a few times throughout this one.

I'm not trying to make it sound like Girlhouse is a perfect movie that got everything right, only drive home the point that it was a really solid effort in a sub-genre that usually tends to turn out sub-par movies.

"I DON'T ALWAYS KILL CAMWHORES, BUT WHEN I DO, I WATCH THEM DANCE FIRST FROM THE SHADOWS."

Aside from the opening scene, it took about an hour or so for anything to "happen." I know that's par for the course with a lot of Horror flicks, but I'm just saying that there was A LOT of build-up to the action of the third reel. The build-up was all good, it just felt like the killing came late and went quick once it arrived. It all comes down to the fact that we're selfish, and we wanted more action.

WORST SUICIDE EVER.

Why was there not more shameless, exploitative nudity in this movie? Given its premise, and the fact that it's called Girlhouse, is wall-to-wall smut really too much to ask for?

WHY ARE YOU STILL CLOTHED?!?

Once the violence starts, Girlhouse gets pretty nasty with the gore. Loverboy is an angry, exceptionally strong killer, and he lays waste to his victims in brutal fashion. Our favorite bit was probably the part with the bridge.

"STAY THERE, I'LL GO GET HELP!"

We get a few girls baring it all in this one, but for a movie about a house full of sluts that get naked on webcam for money, you'd think there would have been a bit more nudity. I know I just said the same thing above, but it bears repeating!

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GO SWIMMING AFTER EATING A FULL MEAL.

Don't be a Camwhore, or you'll most likely be murdered. Also, Hollywood needs to get off its ass and make some more Kenzie & Gennaro movies (ala Gone Baby Gone), because we need to see Slaine play Bubba again, and this time, more like he's written in the books. *Fact: the world need more Bubba Rogowski.

DEAD BABY, DEAD.

If you love a good slasher flick, then you owe it to yourself to see Girlhouse. This movie is lean, mean, sexy, violent, and above all else, it's pretty damn creepy. Give it a rent, you won't be sorry. *Don't blame us if you end up being sorry though.

B+

Girl House is available now on VOD.

Ali Cobrin may have been the heroine of the Girlhouse, but she wasn't the only Hottie that lived there. Check out the Hottie Post below to check out her sexy housemates.