DVD Review: Backwoods (2009)

Cast Members of Note- Haylie Duff, Ryan Merriman, Danny Nucci, and a bunch of other people I don't know.

A group of stereotypical yuppie-larva, computer geeks head into the woods for a team building retreat, and of course, since they're so absolutely clueless, they do everything in their power to upset the locals. Their dumbest move of all is when they take the advice of Jasper: the "he ain't right in the brain" barkeep at the gas station, and head to some more "out of the way" camping grounds.

I'd trust him.

After a fun, crazy, slo-mo swimmin' hole scene, the Young Republicans strike up a bonfire, drink heavily, and make camp for the night... because they need to save their energy for the big paintball game in the morning! They also need to save their energy to fend off the rape-inclined murderous Hillbillies that want to rape and murder them; and not necessarily in that order.

"Let's hurry up and finish this game so we can get us some rape!"

Needless to say, ignoring dead animals hanging from trees, random booby traps, a trashed campsite, and snooping around in someones home gets them in a world of trouble. Can they fight off the large family of "Deliverance Folk" with only paintball guns? Will it all end like Ruby Ridge did? Will Haylie Duff ever unleash those sweater puppies for us all to see? I'm guessing no on that last one.

Prude.

I was actually impressed by the way they handled the whole Hillbilly Horror thing here; instead of a bunch of deformed inbred mouth-breathers, the clan was a well organized, intelligent religious cult who just hated the Government. Fair enough.

I also liked how the victims actually got to fight back instead of all dying off one by one, as they do in so many of these movies; Backwoods was definitely a bit unconventional in that aspect. This movie is fairly generic, and it's plot is certainly reminiscent of plenty o' other Horror flicks, but it manages to be decent enough despite that. The cast is pretty decent too, and managed to have me actually rooting for them.

Am I the only one who thinks he looks a tad "dainty" in this picture?

Token black guy; check. Token Asian guy; check. Token sweet, white. Final Girl; check. Token mousy, mopey, white, "nice guy"; check. Token inbred country folk; check. Token slutty blond chick; check. Token "Bring it!" type jerk that you can't wait to see die; check. Lame, by-the-numbers script... oh, you get the point.

There's even a token romance. Aaaw.

Why no boobs? Seriously, WHY NO BOOBS!?! I know there's more to life than T&A, but tell that to my testosterone.

Put down the gun and lose the shiirt!

The gore in this one was kinda tame, but the violence was plenty; it was more like watching an action movie than a Horror flick in terms of bloodletting, if that makes sense. 

"Why you ain't make sex with me?"

  

No nudity, but we do get a bunch of tight shirts and cleavage which is still pretty nice.

Nice.

"This is your home now" or "Call me boy without that redneck gun in your hand!"

Haylie Duff has nice boobs. Also, white guys should never say "for shizzle." Not ever. 

This is "The Rape Guy." Even if he wasn't, I'd still run from him.

An average time waster, Backwoods is worth a look if you like the whole "stuck in the woods with murderous mountain folk" type of thing. Don't expect too much, and you may just enjoy this flick.

C

Backwoods is available now on DVD.

My second favorite Duff Sister. *Just kidding, it's a tie. Also, the other blond chick is a little Hottie.