Quick Review: Anarchy Parlor (2015)

"Anarchy Parlor is basically Hostel with tattoos."

While Amy and her friends are traveling through Europe, they decide to stop off in Lithuania to party... because who doesn't say "Man, if I ever get to Europe, I'm partying in Lithuania!" at one point in their lives?

While partying, they meet a hot Finnish chick named Uta, who is covered in tattoos, and might just be a crazy whore. She urges the gang to come with her to the tattoo parlor where she works (cleverly named "The Parlor") to get tatted. The douchebag fucktard Dudebro of the group, Brock, thinks it's a sick idea, bro, so he and Amy head off into the dark back alleys of Lithuania with the annoying Suicide Girl wannabe, to get some sick ink, bro.

And lest you think we're being hard on Brock with the name-calling, please take a look at the shirt he's wearing:

YEAH, THAT SHIRT SAYS "SWAG ALL DAY." HE'S A DOUCHE.

At "The Parlor" they meet The Artist; a soft-spoken, kindly tattoo artist, who hates tourists, and likes to peel the skin from their bodies and sell it to rich people. Because he's an artist. Needless to say, Amy and her friends are all pretty much screwed, which is fine by us, because most of them are annoying assholes to begin with.

Nastiness ensues.

"NO, I WILL NOT TATTOO "YOLO" ON YOUR WRIST."

In many ways, Anarchy Parlor isn't a very good movie, but it is a mostly enjoyable one. It's main strength lies in the performance of Robert Lasardo; the long-time character actor (whose face you just have to recognize) brings a legitimate air of creepiness and doom to his performance as The Artist. There's just a quiet menace about the dude that makes for a cool villain, and he absolutely made this movie watchable for us. 

Robert Lasardo aside, you'll also love this movie if you like excessive amounts of gore and nudity. It's Torture Porn, so you basically know what you're getting here, and for better or worse, this movie gives a lot of what it's supposed to. Between naked lapdances and people being skinned alive, we honestly weren't sure whether to look away or stare intently.

The movie also boasts some sharp cinematography, which is always a plus in our book. 

WHAT IS SHE SMILING AT?

On the bad side of things, the movie doesn't really bring anything new to the Torture Porn table, and what it does bring, it brings about 10 years too late. We could almost live with its bland, generic storyline, if it weren't for the fact that most of the characters made us want to claw our own eyes out. Aside from The Artist and Amy, we were counting down the minutes until the rest of them were killed off in horrible ways.

When we're cheering for the guy who is killing the innocent people off in horrible ways, you know you have a problem with your characters... unless of course, making us hate them was by design. If that is the case, then kudos to whoever wrote the script.

THE OBLIGATORY GIRL-ON-GIRL KISS.

If you're in the mood for some crazy gore and some fantastic nudity (and a great performance by Robert Lasardo thrown in for good measure), then Anarchy Parlor is one that you'll want to rent. Its strengths are enough to make it a middle-of-the-road affair, but just know that the rest of the movie isn't really anything to write home about.

C

Anarchy Parlor is available now on VOD.

This movie is full of nothing but crazy hot women, and for that, we are thankful.