March 24, 2010

Review: Pandorum (2009)
I thought this movie was supposed to be about Pandorum's Box, but I was instead surprised to find that it was instead about deep-space travel and nervous conditions. Who knew?

Two spacemen (aliens for all we know) are woken up early from their deep-space sleep, to find that their ship is dark and deserted, and that they have the shakes, which in space are called Pandorum. One of the space guys, Bower, decides to crawl through a dark and cramped ventilation shaft (which is always a good idea) in an effort to unlock the door they're trapped behind from the other side, but he never quite gets the job done. Why, you might ask? Because of... Pandorum!

Just kidding. It's really because he discovers that the ship is now populated with insanely strong and agile creatures that want to eat him, and anyone else that isn't one of them. Along the way he meets a Tahitian Ninja, a hot ninja-like German chick, and a black dude that doesn't trust white people. Who can blame him though? I'm white and I rarely, if ever, trust myself. True story.

She trusts no one! That's how she survives.
The other space guy, Dennis Quaid, stays behind in the locked room and tries to help Bower navigate to wherever he needs to go, but he fails too because he finds some crazy guy that wants them to launch themselves into space because he's claustrophobic. I'm not kidding on that one. Guy wants to launch himself into space because he's claustrophobic... I may be wrong here, but floating endlessly through space in an escape tube seems really, really claustrophobic to me too.

"I've got your tube hanging, punk!"
So, Dennis Quaid and Bower both have their hands full, and it doesn't look like either of them are going to be around for very long. Will Bower and his band or ragtag misfits get to the power core and save the ship in time? Will Dennis Quaid launch himself into space on the whim of a madman? Will any of them survive... Pandorum?!? Yes, no , and maybe. Also, the ending threw me for a loop, although it was a pretty cool one.

This is a space waterfall. They actually exist.
I don't know why, but aspects of this movie reminded me of Ghosts of Mars a little bit, which I also loved. That's fairly misleading, as the two movies aren't very similar at all, but the creatures and the way the acted just brought it to mind... although if anything, the movie resembles Event Horizon or even Pitch Black more closely. Pandorum is a dark, interesting little space-monster flick, that didn't make me roll my eyes once, even when the ending threw us it's out-of-left-field twist. It just worked.

This movie is bloody, action-packed and tense, not to mention gorgeous on Blu-ray. I also have a weakness for Horror flicks set in space. Something about the quiet desolation of it all is really effective to me. I also have a weak spot for Dennis Quaid, who usually stars in some lackluster movies, but whom I always like anyway. Here, he does his job admirably along with his cast mates, most noticeably Ben Foster, and I actually liked all of their characters. That's a rarity for me.

Ben Foster is way underrated.
The ending made me a bit mad, because it looks like they have more story to tell, and I don't think it will happen since Pandorum underperformed at the Box Office. It was one of those "Oh cool... but... that's it? I wanna know more!" Types of endings, and it will always frustrate me unless we get a sequel someday. Good stuff though.

I personally find it horrendous that this movie came out last August, and I just now saw it on Blu-ray, months after the fact. I don't know why I put it off so long, and I'm sorry that I did. I mean, had I seen it when it first hit theaters, I could have had this creepy little fucker haunting my dreams from that night forward.

Oh how cute, it wants to play.
There was a fair amount of blood and gore, and even some slime. Yes, slime. There was even a pretty good karate fight between a ninja and a space monster, which of course was all bloody and slimy.

Dennis Quaid's stares are gory in their own way.
Nope. We are on a "no nudity" streak as of late with the movies we've been seeing, and it's starting to suck. Pretty soon I'm going to watch some porn and pretend that it's a Horror movie, and just write a fake review... OR... maybe you could just start giving us some boobs, Horror movies!

Dennis Quaid is a little wonky. Always has been. Also, Germany turns out some pretty hot chicks.

I told you, he's got Pandorum!
If you like movies like Event Horizon, Alien(s), Pitch Black, or anything starring Dennis Quaid, you'll most likely dig Pandorum. We here at THC are suckers for the whole Sci-Fi Horror thing, and we pretty much unanimously gave this a big thumbs up. If you haven't already seen it, you should do so when you get the chance. Don't be lame like me and wait for 7 months to check it out, because you deserve a good movie right now!


Pandorum is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Who is this Friederike Kempter that stole my heart, though she was in very little of the movie? Also, Antje Traue isn't so bad either.


  1. Screenwriting 101

    This movie hit EVERY. SINGLE. BEAT. expected in today's scripts: Twenty-five minute marker, oh! throw in the turning point. Mid Point of film, yup, 'nother 180... etc. etc. etc.

    Absolutely no surprises for me - even the ending.

    Dennis Quaid is the poor man's Jeff Bridges.

  2. PandoRUN?! You hated it that much? :)

    I thought it had great potential and then flop! I really like Dennis Quaid and I dislike seeing him in all kinds of dumbly scripted films. Wake up, Quaid! Do what you are good at: ACT!

  3. Damn! It was like 4 am when I wrote this, so ignore the spelling error :)

  4. sure loved the invisible wire kung-fu parts in this movie. really spooky. and that one really gory part with the clear ooze.

    excuse me while I fill envelope after envelope with anthrax and google the home addresses to everyone involved in this movie.

  5. PandoRUM's box ? Really :D ? Haha.

  6. Yes Jack, I tend to think I'm funny when I write. Often times, my humor fails :)~

  7. I totally agree with your review only except the fact that you didn't give Ben Foster enough credit for what he did. He was amazing, better than Quaid.

  8. Yeah Ifaz, I'm a big fan of Ben Foster, and didn't mean to not talk his performance here up more.

    Now I feel bad :)

  9. My brainfile has already replaced this plotline with a photograph of Mean Knife Woman's upper half.