November 23, 2009

Giallo (2009)

To me, dissing Dario Argento is like pushing my favorite Uncle off of the roof, sending him falling into the glass-shard garden below... and yet it must be done...

Sub-Genre- Um... Giallo.  
Cast Members of Note- Adrien Brody, Emmanuelle Seigner, and Elsa Pataky. Directed by Dario Argento.  

A creepy killer named Yellow is on the loose in Italy, and it's up to a stewardess and an American detective to stop him... and his odd post-nasal-drip-induced wheezing. It already sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it? Yeah, terrifying. You see, Yellow is a retarded cab driver whom was teased by the other children for looking retarded when he was little... so naturally, he grows up and decides torture and kill women to "get his revenge." Now wouldn't you think he'd grow up and kill kids, since it was kids who drove him to be a murderer in the first place? Like take out a playground with a flamethrower or something? Maybe get a job as an ice cream man and poison the push-up pops?

Leave the adult women alone, yellow Rambo-looking guy!
Adrien Brody is an American detective, and his story is even better; as a child he witnessed his mother being stabbed to death, he went nuts, tracked down the killer, stabbed him to death, and the Cops made him a junior detective on the spot. So naturally he would take on the case of an American stewardess (who isn't American at all, and lives in Italy) whose slutty model sister goes missing... I have no idea what happened. Let's just move on here... 

Good job interviewing the corpse, dummy.
Will they find the whore sister before Yellow can do away with her? Why is Elsa Pataky dating Adrien Brody in real life anyway? Will Argento ever be a relevant director again? We may never know... and quite frankly, I'm fine with that. 

I wish she was in my trunk...
This felt like neither a Giallo film, nor an Argento movie to me. It had its moments, and wasn't truly horrible, but I wanted to giggle more than I wanted to tense up and close my eyes, and that made it all a crap experience for me. Some of the blood was fun, Italy as a backdrop was gorgeous, and Elsa Pataky was good too. Sexy good. The rest, not so much... 

Good God.
Why do women scream so much in Horror movies? Sure I get that its natural instinct to scream when terrified, but does it have to be over and over and over again? Or at times when you really shouldn't be calling attention to yourself, like when hiding? Best of all, when restrained in a dingy basement, with corpses of other chicks all around you, make sure to scream mean things at the killer, over and over and over again. That's a real good idea. Maybe learn to shut up ladies, and you might live through more of these ordeals. 

Shush. Keep it down now. Voices carry.
The worst part of the whole thing was that the killer, Yellow (Giallo), was not frightening at all. In fact, he was so goofy looking and odd, that he seemed to be more comic relief than anything else. And then at the end, he kinda turns out to be honorable and nice??? Fuck that. Italian Horror pussed out on us with this one!  

As is usually the case with Gialli films, and Argento flicks in particular, there is plenty of violence to be had here, though in this case most of it was not very captivating or exciting. It seemed well placed and deliberate, rather than intense or cringe inducing. Meh.

Nope, and I'm pretty sure that it's not hard to get Elsa Pataky naked either.  

Even Dario Argento can swing and miss sometimes.

D+(4.5/10) Man it hurts me to rate an Argento movie so harshly... The guy has given Horror fans so much, that I just feel guilty not liking something of his. It really should be more in the DO NOT WANT range of the grade scale if I'm being fair, but sentimental value (along with a few promising aspects of the film itself) prevent me from dismissing it totally. Where many hated it, I really liked Mother of Tears... so the fact I felt that this movie sucked says volumes. At least to me.

Good God is Elsa Pataky hot or what? 

1 comment :

  1. Yes, Elsa Pataky is indeed hot -- and that is a massive understatement. She is the only reason I decided to watch this movie, and the only reason I was able to endure it... although I share your disappointment over the fact that the movie didn't even serve up any nekkedness :(

    Thanks for the review!

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