May 27, 2008

Horror Hottie: Jennifer Connelly

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Jennifer Connelly, or "JC" as she has asked me to call her in my dreams, is the hottest woman on Earth who has ever had a vagina. If you don't believe me, just ask me, I'll tell you. In fact, I just did. See what I did there?

Sure, she may have only starred in a few "Horror" movies over the span of her career, and only one of them was in the new millennium (and it really sucked), but I mean, just look at her:

Restraining order or not, I'll always love her...
Her first ever starring role was in the 1985 Dario Argento classic, Phenomena (a.k.a. Creepers); it's a sweet little coming-of-age tale about a hot, hot girl attending school in Switzerland, who uses her psychic link with insects to hunt down a Giallo-style serial killer that is beheading her classmates. Throw in Donald Pleasance and an insane chimp with a straight razor, and you pretty much have perfection.

Since I was 15 when Phenomena came out, I'm allowed to say that JC was crazy hot in this one.

You creepy, hot little sassbox.
Now, I'm not saying I made love to myself countless times while watching her next movie, but I did. In fact, JC was so hot in Career Opportunities that I'm lucky I never broke my junk watching that VHS tape over and over again.

She is why I used to work at Target.
Then came Labyrinth; the movie that everyone overlooks Phenomena in favor of. It was almost a Horror movie, as it was originally called "Attack of the Rape Goblin", but they changed the title to make it more kid friendly. They played it soooo safe in the 80's!

She has no idea that rape is imminent.
In Labyrinth, she either played a babysitter or a single mother whose baby is kidnapped by David Bowie, forcing her to seek the help of The Muppets to help her steal it back... and of course kill David Bowie. It was a good movie, although I was upset that the sex scenes were all cut from the film (even though I was still able to act them all out with stuffed animals in my room.)

JC shed her innocent image after that movie, and got kind of slutty. She started smoking, having sex, and showing her boobs in every movie she could... which only served to make my love for her grow. It wasn't all rainbows and unicorns though; her worst moment on film came when she had sex with Sonny Crockett in the movie The Hot Spot. What was she thinking?

Fuck you, Don Johnson!
...at least it looks like she brushed her teeth afterwards.
She went on to win an Academy Award playing the girlfriend of some retarded guy or something like that, and then tried to get all highbrow on us; no Horror, no random boobs, no slutty fap material... but she did star in some good movies like Inventing the Abbott's, Mullholland Falls and Requiem for a Dream. The Hulk can blow me though.*In retrospect, all of the movies that are listed here all contain random boobs and plenty of slutty fap material. No Horror though. Whatever.

Finally she returned to horror in 2005's Dark Water. Ugh. She was great as usual, but the movie was another sad, uninspired J-Horror remake, which epically failed. Let's move on. It wasn't as bad as Witchcraft 5 (which she had a tiny, tiny cameo in), but still.

What a waste of a perfectly good and wet JC...
She went on to make a few more movies until someone eventually killed her, but being the Horror Hottie that she is, she rose from the dead to live on a sexy zombie. True story. Some say it was my love for her that wouldn't let her die; some say it was only a scene in a movie. I know the truth though. I think we all do.

Turns out it was a scene in a movie.
JC has cemented her name in the hearts of Horror fans everywhere with one little Italian Horror flick in the 80's, and for that she deserves the moniker of Horror Hottie. Besides, she's a doppelganger, and that makes her a monster of sorts. Don't believe me? Feel free to explain to me then how I saw 4 of her, at one time, swimming in a private lake that I have since named "Sexual Fantasy Lake." I even have proof:

Like you wouldn't go there if you knew where It was.
 
The lips, the eyes, some of the best boobs ever, dat ass... She really is one of the hottest Hotties that Hollywood has ever given us, and she seems to only be getting better with age.

She was our 2nd Hottie ever featured here a THC, and she'll always beone of our faves.

Butternut shied away after his confession of love for the girl holding his reins, the wounds of her cold and disssmissive "nay" still fresh on his heart.

1 comment :

  1. Glad I could get this insider info for you. Lord knows that whenever JC, myself, and my dreamcatcher hang out we're all pretty busy, but I was lucky enough to be able to bounce a few questions off of her in the middle there.

    Dark Water wasn't horrible, by the way. Well, the plot and the movie were, but if you watch it on mute and keep the pause button handy you can crank a few batches of home made tapioca at strategic slo-mo moments.

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