Blind Alley (2013)

(aka You'll go Blind thinking about Ana De Armas's Alley)
Release Date: Awaiting VOD release in U.S. and on DVD in March/Blu-ray in April.
Country: Spain, Colombia.
Written & Directed by: Antonio Trashorras.
Starring: Ana De Armas, Jeff Gum, Leonor Varela and Diego Cadavid.

This movie first came to our attention when we caught a random picture of its star, Ana De Armas, while browsing around at UHM. *For the record, UHM is a great website for Horror movie info. We use it often.

Anywho, so we found this picture of Ana De Armas, and headed over to Google Images to do a proper investigation into this new-to-us beauty. What we found out was that this Cuban fox is not only ridiculously gorgeous, but that this Blind Alley flick she was in looked pretty interesting.

The movie's Writer/Director, Antonio Trashorras, is the guy who wrote the Spanish classic The Devil's Backbone. It's also produced by the people who brought us flicks like The Hidden Face, Hierro, Intruders, and Julia's Eyes, all of which are great films in their own right.

So naturally, we we're all sorts of intrigued to see this one.

It's going to be really hard to break this one down without spoiling some of its plot elements and twists, so we're going to do our best to keep it vague.

Blind Alley is the story of Rosa, a smoking hot young girl from Cuba, who is living in Spain. By day she toils away as a maid at a luxury hotel, but her real dream is to be a dancer on some crazy looking TV show. After receiving a late night call back for her big audition, she heads over to a 24-hour laundromat to wash her costume.

She really wants to be a dancer.

When a creepy looking Hobo comes into the laundromat to rob it of its change, the naturally fearful and skittish Rosa thinks she's done for... until a sexy and suave Spaniard named Gabriel shows up and shoos the creepy Hobo away. She instantly feels safer and is drawn to Gabriel and his Latin Lover charms, although he turns out to be not so charming after all...

"Wait a minute.. you're supposed to be charming!"

What follows is a cat-and-mouse-like game of survival between the sweet and naive Rosa, and the creeper who wants to make her pass away.

That's all we're saying, folks.

"I'm going to miss my audition, aren't I?"

From the groovy Austin Powers-esque opening credits dance sequence, to the twisty and blood-soaked finale, Blind Alley was one hell of a fun watch. Written and produced by a bunch of folks who have given us plenty of great Spanish Horror flicks that we've enjoyed, this movie rises above the usual trappings of the Slasher genre, and goes to places that we weren't expecting it to.

Yeah, we were surprised too.

Antonio Trashorras not only gives us some interesting and compelling visuals to digest (complete with an Argento nod here and there), but he more importantly gives us a compelling story. We feel for Rosa, being a foreigner whose boss and boyfriend both treat her like dirt, leaving her feeling isolated and under appreciated. All she really has is her sister and her dream of becoming a dancer to hold her together, and then all of a sudden, the shit hits the fan.

Ana De Armas needs to be a bigger star. She's a perfect mixture of sex appeal and innocence, and she's not a bad actress either. More, please.

We feel your fright, Ana De Armas. We feel it.

Why was Rosa so timid and foolish? Sure, she needs to be both of those things to make the movie work, but her stupidity was just frustrating at times. Would a young, beautiful, obviously timid girl like that really walk to an all-night laundry at the end of a dark and deserted alley, just to wash a dress? Yes, she had the audition of her life the next day, but good lord, I wouldn't have walked down that alley to wash something in the middle of the night, why in the world would she?

Should have just sprayed perfume on that dress, huh?

The ending. The typical, old school, Euro-Horror, freeze-frame ending. We love endings like that (IE. Gates of Hell, The Beyond, etc...) on a goofy, WTF level, but the logistics of it left us confused in this case. We really can't say much about it lest we spoil things, but we will say this; certain rules set up earlier in the movie seemed to not apply at its end.

"Ssh, ssh. It won't be alright."

Blind Alley delivered some great blood and gore, but in small doses. Towards the end things get pretty messy, but just know that this isn't one of those movies that is all body count and FX gags.

One bloody boob. It's obviously a fashion statement.

No, and what a rip off! Ana De Armas is far too hot to keep clothed! Sex may not have fit very well into the framework of this movie, but they could have given us a sleazy flashback... or two... or something... bah!

Blind Alley, like most Spanish Horror /Thriller flicks, is a tight and well constructed venture. I admire Spanish Horror filmmakers for their use of deeper meaning and varied themes to get their points across. You mix that dynamic with some palpable tension and a bit of gratuitous bloodletting, and you have yourself a winner. A good story really does go a long way. See this when it hits VOD soon, and if you live in Germany or Spain, grab a copy when it hits DVD/BD over the next few months. This was one fun flick.

B+ 

What can we say about Ana De Armas... well, we can honestly say that she is one of the most stunningly beautiful women we've ever laid eyes on. Sure, we're very partial to the dark hair, doe-eyed, pouty lipped, curvy girls to begin with, but even if we weren't, this girl is a world class stunner.

Our Theatrical Release Date List has been updated!

We're updated all the way through the end of May now, so that you can go an make all of your genre-watching plans way in advance!

I know. We're a small miracle.

*Keep in mind that some of the weeks look thin release wise, because some movies don't have posters that far out, and we don't include movies without posters. It's only proper. Also, movies will be added, dropped, and shifted around at a moments notice, because that's how Hollywood rolls.

The Theatrical Trauma of February 15th

There's pretty much nothing coming out this week specifically for Horror fans, then again, it's the week of Valentine's Day, so maybe romance should be the order of the day.

As romantic movies go, the thought of going to see a new Nicholas Sparks movie makes us want to open our veins with a rusty screwdriver. Honestly, the guy uses the same exact story for every one of his books, and just changes certain plot elements around to make it "New." Then, since Hollywood knows that they can recycle the same old shit over and over again and people will lap it up, each movie version of said books gets some new C-level acting talent, and a new sweepingly grand love song to play over the trailer, and that also makes it "New." 

Ugh. Don't get me started.

For those of us who want to see anything but some shitty, bland, formulaic love story this week, our options are few.

A Good Day to Die Hard is the week's best bet. We love us some Bruce Willis around here, and even though the Die Hard series should have had the grace to end two movies ago, who are we to say no to some mindless violence and cheesy one liners? We're in.

Beautiful Creatures is Hollywood's newest attempt to lure lovelorn little girls into Theaters by opting every Young Adult book series on the market involving a combination of some sort of Supernatural hi-jinks and forbidden love, and turning it into the next Twilight. In all fairness, BC really can't be any worse than Twilight was, but that's no reason for us to go and see it. We'll pass. *We'd still vastly prefer this over Safe Haven. VASTLY.

So yeah, it's pretty much Die Hard or nothing this week, unless you're a 12 year old girl. Even if you are, stick with Die Hard. It's good for the soul.

This is as romantic as we get on V-Day...

... but it is still really sweet of us, don't you think?

So love & peace to all of you horror freaks out there, and thanks to Film Deviant.com for not suing us for jacking their picture. Those guys are alright.

Would You Rather? (2013)

(aka I'd Do Both with Brittany Snow)
Release Date: On VOD and in Limited Release now.
Country: USA
Written by: Steffen Schlachtenhaufen. 
Directed by: David Guy Levy.
Starring: Brittany Snow, Jeffrey Combs, Sasha Grey, Robin Taylor and John Heard.

We didn't have a lot of hope going into this one. Although it starred Jeffrey Combs and Brittany Snow (two of our faves), and the trailer did look promising, we just knew it was going to underwhelm us.

We figured it was going to either be another low-budget Torture Porn flick at best, or a shoddy Saw ripoff at worst. Would You Rather? is a Torture Porn flick, and it is definitely inspired by Saw and its ilk, but it it most definitely not shoddy.

More and more movies these days are seeing VOD Releases that coincide with their Theatrical Releases, and we're kinda liking it.

In this case, we kinda loved it.

Sweet, sexy little Iris is a girl working her tail off to take care of her terminally-ill brother. When she meets a creepy, uber-rich philanthropist named Shepard Lambrick, it looks as if her prayers have been answered. He offers her a ton of money and a bone marrow transplant for her brother, and all she has to do is head over to his house and play a game with a bunch of strangers. With no other options in sight, she reluctantly agrees to the creepy offer, even though she's sure it's going to involve some sort of prostitution and/or rape.

Go for it, girl. It sounds legit.

Lambrick and his creepy son (who looks like the result of Tom Hardy and Draco Malfoy having a love child together) have invited 8 strangers to their mansion to play a game of Would You Rather? You know, like "Would you rather lick a filthy hobo clean or would you rather sit through every Uwe Boll film ever made? Twice." Twisted stuff, right? Well their version is even more twisted than that! *For the record, we'd lick the filthy hobo clean. That's pretty much a given.

I'm tellin' ya... Tom Hardy + Draco Malfoy.

Needless to say, the 8 contestants are forced to question their morals by deciding who gets stabbed with ice picks, electrocuted, caned, drowned... and none of it works out well for any of them. Does Iris survive and save her brother's life, or does the evil slut in the room outfox them all instead? Does something crazy happen, or does something else even crazier happen? Then who was phone? Far be it from us to spoil things for you, but we will say that the ending is one mean-spirited little twist.

We didn't see it coming either, Brittany Snow.

Would You Rather? is a tense little exercise in morals and classism. That sentence makes the movie sound far more pretentious than it actually is, but it's true. A rich guy gathering together a bunch of poor suckers who desperately need money, and forcing them to hurt themselves (and each other) for his amusement (and to get paid), is a pretty big indictment of modern times in America. Not literally, of course, but figuratively.

Aside from that particular aesthetic, the movie is pretty effective and terrifying for one where most of the narrative takes place in only a single room. The "Would you rather?" games are mean and twisted, and include plenty of cringe-inducing moments. For us though, the real reason that the movie works as well as it does is because every little thing isn't explained. It all unfolds naturally, never getting bogged down in an overly excessive back story or reasoning. David Guy Levy made himself a pretty good little movie here.

Despite a few missteps here and there, the movie is also solid in its acting and characters. Brittany Snow is the focal point here, and why shouldn't she be? The girl is gorgeous and can act to boot, and she pulls off the role of a terrified yet determined big sister convincingly. She really needs to do more Horror flicks. For our money though, the best role went to genre legend Jeffrey Combs; watching him play the unbalanced bad guy here was a genuine treat. Roles like this show why he's an all-time great.

Nothing but love for this guy.

 

There were a few plot elements and characters that were either not explored very far or dropped altogether. For instance, I would have liked to have seen more of the creepy son, but where did he end up going? Also, everyone in this movie sucks at escaping.

Having Sasha Grey in your movie, yet offering your audience no sex or nudity is not only a tease, but a total dropping of the ball. Yes, we respect filmmakers that take the high road, but come on man... you're talking about Sasha Grey here!

She would have banged everyone in this room. Everyone.

As twisted and nasty as this movie is, I honestly expected to the blood and gore to be far more plentiful than it was. David Guy Levy opted to go with the "more is less" philosophy here, and kept the gory visuals to a minimum for the most part. Don't misunderstand us; there was plenty of violence on display here, but it was just not overtly messy. We would have really liked to have seen the eye gag up close.

Alright, that part was pretty crazy...

Other than Brittany Snow taking a quick and rather eventless shower, this one is devoid of any and all sexiness and flesh... which surprises me a bit, because one of the movie's stars, Sasha Grey, is a dirty, dirty porn star.

Would You Rather? may not have drawn increasingly fickle crowds to the Multiplexes of the world, but thanks to online and in-home VOD streaming, filmmakers have the chance to capture an audience and show their wares, all while bypassing the massive expense of distribution.

That is a good thing, for them and us. Especially in this case.

This is a fun and effective flick, and definitely worth the price of a VOD rental. We'll be looking forward to catching this one again when it hits Blu-ray.

B

Brittany Snow and Sasha Grey make any room hotter, and seeing them doing horrible things to themselves (and each other) does not make them any less hot. Well, it kinda does, but still. They're Hotties.