Review: The Ward (2011)

"Whomever wrote the blurb on that poster is a dickhead, and a liar."

John Carpenter is not back.  

The Ward doesn't look like Carpenter, feel like Carpenter, and it most certainly doesn't play like a Carpenter flick. At all. Worse still, it commits the cardinal sin of all cardinal sins... but more on that later.

And really quick, in reference to the blurb on the poster "John Carpenter proves he is still the master of shock." Carpenter was never a master of shock; nuance, atmosphere, dread... but not shock. Even if he was, this movie is neither shocking, nor is it a throwback to his supposed shock-filled heyday. So again, some jerk-nut gets a poster blurb without even remotely knowing what he's talking about. Dick. Liar. End rant.  

Her beauty is shocking though.

The Ward is the story of Kristen (Amber Heard); a mentally unstable Hottie who is institutionalized after setting fire to a farmhouse. She's locked up in "The Ward" with a small group of other Hotties, all of whom are bat-shit crazy, and yet remain totally tap-able. Some, double tap-able.

It isn't long before "odd" things begin to happen around the ward, and Kristen begins to see ghostly visages of a monstrous looking chick skulking around, stealing her blankets, and playing what looks to be hide and seek with her and her ward-mates. Speaking of her ward-mates, they start disappearing one by one, and a terrible secret lies at the heart of it all... Ooh, scary!  

Actually, it is kinda scary.

The Ward is a mildly-promising movie that never delivers what it could have, or perhaps should have. Amber Heard is as engaging as always, but not even her Horror Hottie elegance can save this movie from the abyss of the bland. We also have a thing for Danielle Panabaker here at THC, feeling that she is too cute to be so underrated and underused in Hollywood.

Jared Harris is also great in this. Then again, we love him in AMC's Mad Men, so we're biased.

There isn't much along the lines of tension in this movie, nor are there many true scares to be had, although the ghost of Alice is pretty creepy to behold when she makes her appearances. It's fairly obvious early on what's really going on with the plot, and so much of the movie was spent with us just kinda waiting for it to finish.

Gotta give it up, that's pretty neat looking.

***HUGE SPOILERS ARE COMING RIGHT NOW***  ...so read this paragraph at your own risk! Remember that Cardinal Sin I mentioned earlier? The one that we here at THC consider to be the most Cardinal of Cardinal Sins? Well, here it is: It's all in her fucking head. Truth be told, The Ward is very much like Identity (the 2003 John Cusack Thriller.) It's near impossible for us to get behind a movie that negates it's entire content with a final twist like this, which is why we weren't huge fans of Inception, Shutter Island, or Identity.... if it's all in their head, or if it's all been a dream, we've been cheated, and fuck that. High Tension is about the only movie like this to make us not hate it despite its "never happened" ending, but that's because it did happen, just differently than we saw it unfold. So yeah. There's that. **HUGE SPOILERS ARE OVER NOW**

Sorry Amber, but you are under arrest for pissing us off!

The faults of this movie are hardly Carpenter's, as his direction was decent, nor are any of the cast to blame; they make the most out of the material given them. Truth be told, it's the script that's shit, so it's all the Rassmussen Brothers' fault. Really guys, don't write a movie immediately after watching a John Cusack flick again, alright? Good.  

John Carpenter is still a hero to Horror fans everywhere, and an all time great in the genre. Nothing will ever change that. We can only hope and pray that he returns to form someday and gives us another lovable classic like those of yesteryear. (For the record, we loved Ghosts of Mars, so suck it, haters.)

It's over, Amber. Just let it go.

The Ward isn't a great film by any means, and it certainly doesn't feel like much of a Carpenter film, but there are a few good ideas present that make it mildly entertaining. Aside from the infuriatingly lame twist ending, I can't help but think that this movie wont do much for Horror fans, since it's not very engaging on a horrific level. This being only the 2nd feature length film that John Carpenter's made since 1998's Vampires, it's disheartening that it's so lackluster.  

The Ward hits VOD on June 8th, and a limited theatrical run on July 8th.

 C- 

Now here's a little bit of Danielle Panabaker and friends for that ass...

Quick Review: Burke & Hare (2011)

It's odd to see Simon Pegg not paired with someone who is fat and bumbling for a change, but since it's Andy Serkis in this case, we can live with it.

Burke & Hare is the story of two bumbling losers in merry ole' England, who take to grave robbing to pay the bills. It's similar in many ways to another grave robbing Horror Comedy, I Sell the Dead, except that the latter is a far better flick.

Burke & Hare does have the sexy as hell Isla Fisher though, so we're not complaining. At least not too much.

See how cute she is?

B&H is mildly amusing, and mildly engaging, but it's more flat than anything else. Aside from a few laugh out loud moments, the funny bits are mostly non-existent. It's not a "bad" film; John Landis does his usual thing here, and to a decent effect, but it just never seems to make it over the top of the rise as far as either its Comedy or Horror aspects go.

Wacky!

Not funny enough, not serious enough, B&H just sort of languishes in the in-between, waiting to be swept in either direction, which never quite happens. I feel confident in saying this is Simon Pegg's least satisfying film, and I've seen Run, Fatboy, Run. Yeah.

But Isla though... she is perfect.

As a comeback, it's not such a good one for John Landis. I Sell the Dead did this whole concept better, though it was admittedly a vastly different movie, so stick with that one if you're in the mood for some grave robbing, Horror hi-jinks. If you're a fan of Landis or Pegg though, you may just like this enough to sit through it.

C-

Ah, Isla Fisher...

Quick Review: Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2011)

Tucker & Dale vs Evil is a little Horror Comedy filled with "no name" actors, that works ridiculously well within its confines. It also has a fat guy in it, which instantly makes it more credible as far as bumbling duo flicks go.

T&D is about two rubes who decide to take them a fancy vacation in the mountains, at their newly acquired, ramshackle cabin. It's Hillbilly paradise, basically.

When a group of jerky College kids show up from the big city and think that the duo has kidnapped one of their lady friends, a string of wacky hi-jinks ensues, which leaves Tucker & Dale fighting for their very lives...

Simpletons.

Now, I'm not one for most movies that involve wacky hi-jinks, or even crazy calamity; those movies tend to be moronic and they make my brain hurt. In T&D though, the moronic hi-jinks are actually pretty funny and not so much moronic, which left us all very impressed. How can you not love a College Kid taking a running leap into a wood-chipper and one of our hero's reacting by yelling "You Okay!?!" Seriously, it's laugh out loud stuff.  

Chelan Simmons.

Alan Tudyk will always be Steve the Pirate to me, but he's truly great in this too. The star of the show however, and it's no knock to Mr. Tudyk, is Tyler Labine. I've never seen the portly comedian before watching T&D, but I'll tell you this; he's got an awesome career ahead of him. Both of these guys made us laugh until a little bit of pee came out, and we're not even ashamed to admit that.

Oh, and Katrina Bowden is a fox. A FOX!

Fox, we say!

Why this movie hasn't been released yet is beyond me. Funny, bloody as hell, and just plain awesome, it's something any self respecting Horror fan needs to see, and own, else risk sucking for the rest of your life. No really. you kinda suck if you can't love this movie. No DVD plans as of yet, but when it does hit, grab yourself a copy asap.

A

Katrina, Chelan, and Christie.

Review: Drive Angry 3D (2011)

For the most part, you either like Nicholas Cage, and the shitty movies he tends to star in, or you don't. For every Kick Ass there's a Season of the Witch. For every Lord of War, a Wicker Man. For every Weather Man, a Ghost Rider. There's no clean win with Nic Cage. His every move is a gamble for his fans.

We here at THC love him, mostly, though we can't say why. Much like Bruce Willis, he's just kinda Nic Cage in every movie he's in. In decent movies, it's awesome, as he plays the tough guy so well. In the suck-jobs though, it makes you feel sad for him, because he's just so likable that you hate to jeer the guy.

Look through his IMDB page and try not to cringe. Really, for every decent/good flick he makes, 3 shitty ones tend to follow suit.

You know it's the truth, Nic. Now put the gun down!

Drive Angry, his latest, is a flawed movie. One could even say it borders on being bad, but those that would say such a thing are missing the point of it all. It's a Comic Book flick (in tone, at least.) It's an exploitational, Grindhouse throwback. A shameless action piece of B-movie badness, that manages to feel like it belongs in the 70's amidst all of the other "road revenge" flicks of that time, but still manages to feel fresh. Leave all talk of plot holes and reality checks at the door, folks, because they have no place here.

I'm pretty sure that this is how most porno movies begin...

Drive Angry is the story of John Milton (how many younger viewers will miss that not-so-subtle reference?), who escapes from Hell to save his infant Grandchild from a Satanic Cult that wants to sacrifice her. He meets a Whiskey-Tango, whorish Amber Heard, and they team up to spit cheesy one liners back and forth, and kill people. And it's great. Also, there's an awesome "Holy Gun" that Milton stole from Satan, which we wished had more than 3 damned bullets in it!

He looks angry enough to drive, that's for sure, but is he angry enough to drive in 3D? Hmm?

William Fichtner as The Accountant made the movie for us. Fichtner has always been an excellent character actor, and here he's just devilishly (ha!) fun as Satan's right-hand-man, sent to bring the rebellious Milton back to Hell. He's kinda like Christopher Walken's "Gabriel" in this, acting all cool and bad-ass, and delivering some great one-liners like "If by "forever" you mean the next 5 seconds, you're absolutely right." Great stuff.

If you've ever wanted proof that Satan was secretly affiliated with the U.S. Government, here it is!

Also of note is a cameo by Charlotte Ross, who gets buck naked and buck wild with Nic Cage. She's been a Hottie since her NYPD Blue days, and since Amber Heard is a prude and doesn't get naked in this movie, she deserves a special nod. That being said, Amber Heard is always hot to behold, and she rocks in this movie. The tough girl thing suits her well. Maybe now that she's a lesbian, she's likes to fight more? We got your back, Amber. And your front too.

Built for sin. Literally.

If you like your movies fast and fun, and prefer an action-packed good time rather than your average thinking man's movie, than Drive Angry 3D is the one for you. We need a movie like this every now and then, to lighten up the dreary, morose pace that we Horror fans tend to set for ourselves. There's no shame in having some simple fun, now is there? Check it out on DVD and Blu-ray on May 31st.

B+

Before we go, here are the sluts girls of Drive Angry 3D. You're welcome.

Game of Thrones has crashed the HBO GO servers.

HBO is offering subscribers a chance to see next weeks episode early, via their new site, HBO GO. Of course, after the gold crown awesomeness that was tonight's episode, everyone flocked to the site to watch the next one and... it's not working. Bastards. You're fucking with my emotions here, HBO! At least they know that GOT has millions of viewers.

Quick Review: Exorcismus (2011)

Paraphrased from the Wiki: "Exorcismus tells the tale of a secluded, home-schooled teenager named Emma, whose uncontrolled behavior causes her to believe she is possessed by the devil. When terrible things start to happen to her friends and family, her parents grudgingly call in the help of her uncle who is a priest to drive out the evil spirits. They also allow Uncle Priest to secretly video tape the sessions for the sake of posterity."

Exorcismus tries to be creepy, it really does. And while there are a few creep-worthy bits sprinkled throughout, it falls way short in the chills department.

That's fairly creepy.

Worse than that, it manages to use every cliche in the exorcism handbook while not bringing much of anything new to the table; a susceptible young girl; a Ouija Board; some unexplained fits/episodes; a group of baffled Therapists and Doctors; a shamed Priest reluctant to perform an exorcism; levitation; vomiting; white eyes accompanying a demonic voice; foul language; vulgar sexual references...

It's all rehashed from creepier and far better movies of the past, and not even to decent effect. I'll take a movie that's a rip-off now and then, but for the love of God, at least make it a good rip-off.

Not so creepy.

In the typical exorcism film, there's a lot of growling, foul language, levitating, evil grins and laughter, creepy contorting, questioning of faith, verbal sparring... but not much else ever seems to happen. It's like Demons possess someone just to do it, for laughs. They don't take over a corporeal form and go on a killing spree or cause mass-destruction of some sort, no, for the most part they banter with Priests, and act all evil and overbearingly aloof. That can all still be very effective, but when you really think about it, aside from the immediate danger to the one being possessed, there's not much danger in the whole thing at all.

The real problem with Exorcismus, beyond even how uninspiring and unoriginal the material is, is the fact that it's just not scary at all. The atmosphere is hardly tense or foreboding, as nothing of worth is really allowed to build to a palpable level. There are a few moments that show promise in the shit-your-pants department, but they never go anywhere. The creepiest part of the movie was the flashback of the Priest's first exorcism, and that only lasted for a few seconds.

Oh, and now that you mention it, there's really no exorcism in this movie. There's a lot of talking, but no EXORCISM. The Priest finally tries one, for like 10 seconds at the end, but nothing comes of that.

Why are Demons so vain?

This is the part of the review where I mention the twist, which I will not spoil; so yeah, there's a twist towards the end, which was alright, but pointless. And furthermore, what the hell does Exorcismus even mean? Is it Spanish for "lame" or "suck?"

I will give the movie credit for two things: first, it showed some balls by throwing some incest in there, which at least was different, and probably the creepiest thing in the movie. Second, at least a bunch of people died or came close to it, even as ridiculous as it was to watch most of that action unfold. I'll also give some credit to Sophie Vavasseur, the actress that played Emma. She was pretty good although some of the material she was given forced her to painfully overact.

More like Sexorcismus, am I right?

There needs to be an exorcism movie with atmosphere, and an impending sense of dread. A movie that sticks with the convention, but steps out of the box as well, and actually does something with the story. There never seems to be anything in these flicks that make you feel like "If the Priest can't defeat this Demon, the world is in trouble." That's the kind of exorcism movie we need. Exorcismus is not that movie.

D ...and that's being pretty generous.

Sophie Vavasseur is in this.