Who doesn't love commercial holidays that exist just to guilt consumers into spending crazy amounts of money out of a sense of forced obligation, or in the hopes of getting some ass at the end of the night? Well love it or not, what might be the most polarizing day of the year has arrived. Some love the sappy sweetness of
Valentine's Day, while others revile it for forcing them to conform.
We here at
THC are lovers, so were fine with
V-day, although we do have our own special way of celebrating all things love and sex which doesn't involve candy or flowers. It involves blood, sex and death; the three cornerstones of life. *That's a scientific fact.
Forget the chick flicks; here's what you need to be watching with your sweetie.
It may seem obligatory to mention
My Bloody Valentine on a
Best of Valentine's Day Horror list, and that's because it is. There aren't many Horror flicks with actual
Valentine themes running through them though, so you have to start with the story of
Harry Warden, his heartbreak, and how he copes with the lack of love in his life.
It's a good old school
Slasher that has some awesome kills (in the un-cut version, that is), and celebrates love. How can you go wrong with that? .
Hey look, it's the
2009 remake of the
1981 classic! No, it's not as good as the original, but that's not to say that it's without it's own strong points.
Guess what the original
MBV didn't have that this remake does? A nearly 3 minute long, full-frontal nude scene in
3D, involving a hot blond (the incomparable
Betsy Rue) having sex and running. In
3D. Fully naked.
Yeah, that is the stuff that dreams are made of.
The rest of the movie is basically the same as the first, just this time around the heartbreak of
Harry Warden is in
3D... and not as good. Still, it's a fun flick.
Yes, we're reaching a bit on this one, but it's the last of the Horror flicks that exist with the word
Valentine in the title, so it's appropriate.
This is a glossy, by the numbers
Slasher flick that isn't as bad as you might think. Everyone in it is pretty, there's some good gore, and it involves
Valentines Day. And bloody candy.
It's fun enough if you can stomach watching
David Boreanz try to act for 90-minutes or so. It really could have used some more nakedness though.
Now
here's a flick that truly addresses the issue of love gone wrong; and of course as with any relationship, the gone wrong part is supplied here by a bat-shit-crazy woman. Don't get all riled up ladies, you know you get a little maniacal when it comes to love.
Audition is a tender story that illustrates why it's a bad idea to bang a chick and then kick her to the curb.
The final act of
Audition is especially moving, when the troubled couple tries to work through their problems, and make love last. "Kiri, Kiri, Kiri!"
Can you still love a woman after she's died and become a zombie? If that woman is
Anna Falci, then hell yes you can!
This movie is one of the best Horror Comedies ever, and one of our favorite zombie flicks to boot. It's filled with sex and zombies, and has
Anna Falci more naked than she really needed to be. We aren't complaining of course, because it all serves the plot. The sweet, romantic plot.
Even creepy little
Gnaghi falls in love with a hot chick's zombie head.
This movie is just filled with love.
Our next
Valentine's viewing pleasure may be the most romantic of them all; It's the story of a woman loving another woman, and how she will go to any lengths to protect and keep her safe. It really is a sweet story. Sure, it may be overtly bloody and violent, but that's all a metaphor, isn't it? A metaphor for the trials and tribulations one must endure to find the love that they need.
Oh, and how odd; it's centered around another bat-shit-crazy woman... see ladies, we told you so. Ha!
A love story between a bullied 12-year old boy, and a hermaphroditic vampire girl who takes on the role of his protector... and becomes his girlfriend, I think.
LTROI is a sweet, shocking coming of age story that will make you believe in the power of Innocent, sexually ambiguous, underage
Swedish love.
A girl's vagina bites off her rapey step-brother's penis, and then feeds it to the dog.
I think this is about feminism or something.
Also known as
X-ray,
Hospital Massacre was originally titled
Be My Valentine... Or Else!, which makes us cringe just thinking about it. It's about some little kid who get spurned by the girl he loves on
Valentine's Day, and so when he grows up, he decides to chase her around a hospital, and make her his.
At least
Barbie Benton was
80's hot in this one.
So there you have it; 9 awesome flicks that uphold the sacred spirit of Valentine's Day, and really say more about love than your average Hallmark commercial ever could. And don't despair, we've got more Valentine's Day goodies up our proverbial sleeves... or maybe they're up our pant legs. Wink, wink. Heh.
Just stay tuned...
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