Review: The Blair Witch Project (1999)

In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Nick.
Cast Members of Note- None, because they all made me mad!

2 guys and a harpy head into the woods to uncover the truth behind the local legend of a witch... and never return! Dun-dun-dun! Sounds scary, I know.

This harpy right here...

The harpy whines and screams every two seconds, the forces of the supernatural start messing with them at night (the old shaving cream in the hand trick was great!), and they basically all slowly lose their minds. Things really go downhill when one of the d-bag guys throws their map into the creek, which basically dooms them all. They even turn down Jean-Claude Van Damme's offer of assistance... He most certainly would have beaten the witch for them. Stupid kids.

Seems as if someone wanted JCVD's help...

Far be it from me to ruin the ending for the uninitiated, but suffice it to say I would have left his ass in the house with a scream of "I'm going for help, stay strong!" That's the kind of coward/forward thinker that I am.

"I'll wait out here... you go on ahead."

This one worked for us, and especially me. I bought into the hype, got lost in the story, and despite its flaws (of which there were plenty), enjoyed this for what it was; and exercise in "what the hell would I do if that was me?"

Like it or not, you have to give this little flick a lot of credit. Made for $35,000, it' grossed $248 million worldwide, not counting video and merchandising money. They marketed this movie like a beast, and it worked. Most of it was improvised, the directors going so far as to dump them in the woods with GPS trackers which would lead them to their "scene's" improv instructions each day. They desensitized the actors, then fucked with them... and that's brilliant. I was waiting for the payoff where we'd actually see the witch, but it was just as effective the way they handled it.

I'd run.

Am I the only one who thought "Why aren't they making weapons out of sticks?" Not that they would have helped, but I mean, at least try!

They could have at least stabbed her with sticks.

I tried to choke my TV twice trying to get at Heather Donahue's neck, because Jesus was she ever annoying as hell.

You deserve to cry.

Some bloody teeth in a care package, and that's about all we get. This is a psych-job, not a gore fest.

No, thank god.

"I'm afraid to close my eyes, I'm afraid to open them."

Stay the hell out of the woods. Also, never piss off a witch... especially when you're in the woods.

It takes skill to pee with no hands.

This one is an A in many ways, but its ambiguity takes the grade down slightly for us. It's brilliance, however, does lie in in its minimalism though, so we're really just nitpicking. Brilliant in many ways, frustrating in others, you must at least see this once, if not add it to your Horror collection.

B+

The Blair Witch Project is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

She apparently got waaaay hotter in real life.