January 30, 2015

DVD Review: Amityville II: The Possession (1982)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083550/
(aka Demonic Incest.)
Release Date: September 24th, 1982.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Tommy Lee Wallace.
Directed by: Damiano Damiani.
Starring:Jack Magner, Diane Franklin, Burt Young, and James Olson.

This sequel to the 1979 Haunted House classic apparently took some liberties with its story telling, and was only loosely tied to its predecessor. At least it featured the adorable Diane Franklin; that made it way more watchable for us. Kinda.
*This review is a re-do of one we did back in 2008. It needed an update.
Finally, the story of the Defeo family is told... wait, it's the Montelli family? Well, at least the house is the same... hold on, the exterior is the same, but the interior looks way different in places. Alright, well the murders happen the same way as described in the original, and that's... no, that's different too. Whats in the hell is going on here??? this is a prequel, right?

"YOU EXPECTED THIS MOVIE TO MAKE SENSE?"
Paulie from the Rocky movies, plays the un-lovable and abusive husband of the Montelli clan; smacking the wife and kids around and demanding discipline! In a fun little coincidence, his creepy-ass son, Sonny, ends up smacking the whole family around with a shotgun, and demands death! It's all a really nice, completely accurate portrait of the American family.

THE ALL-AMERICAN KID.
Sonny has a hot jailbait sister, played hotly by the 80's-hot Diane Franklin, who is really hot (despite her eyebrows needing a good trim.) Speaking of trim, a now-possessed Sonny decides that he needs some trim, and so he sets about seducing his doting sister. Depending on which side of the Mason-Dixon Line you're on, this is either really nasty or super hot. I live in Georgia, so... Yeehaw!

I COULD EAT A PEACH APPLE FOR DAYS.
Later, Father Karras shows up, fresh off of his Exorcism in Georgetown gig, and the Direct-to-Video sequel to The Exorcist begins in earnest. No pea soup though. I won't ruin the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that by the end of the movie, we had kicked our TV screen. Twice.

YEAH, THAT'LL HELP.
All of its issues aside, Amityville II offers up some genuine moments of creepiness throughout. I personally remember this movie absolutely scaring the hell out of me when I was a kid, but it doesn't quite play that way anymore. It definitely still has its moments though.

80's QT supreme, Diane Franklin, is as much as we loved her in classic movies like The Last American Virgin and Better off Dead, we really wish that she had done more high profile movies after them. Temptress.

TEMPTRESS INDEED.
Though the movie is supposed to be set in 1974, it looks like Walkmans were invented early, and 80's cars already existed, because there they are, right on-screen. It's also obvious that the inside of the house was different in places, which irks us, because this movie is supposed to take place a year before the first one, and yet the house isn't the same.

Worst of all, it's a bit disconcerting how the movie seems to shamelessly rip-off The Exorcist too; not only because both movies have a showdown between a caring Priest and a possessed "child," but because they even did the old "Come into  me, and leave the kid alone!" bit. Sure, they did it all differently, but it absolutely smacked of the whole Father Karras/Regan MacNeil bit.

INCEST. NOT EVEN ONCE.
Brother/Sister sex. Does it get much creepier than that?

WE WATCHED THIS ENTIRE SCENE IN MORAL PROTEST. SIX TIMES.
This movie has far more disturbing images in it than it does any sort of blood and gore, but there's a little bit of that spread throughout.

LOOK, THERE'S SOME BLOOD.
There's one scene that shows Diane Franklin briefly naked, but most of it was done tastefully and teasingly. Now, the incestuous relationship between brother and sister... there was nothing subtle about that at all.

OH, THINGS GET NAKED ALRIGHT... NAKED AND CREEPY.
If you're going to make a sequel/prequel to a great movie, try not to crap all over its memory in the process.

THIS PICTURE SUMS UP THE WAY THAT WE FEEL ABOUT THIS MOVIE.
Amityville II: The Possession has some redeeming qualities, but overall, this movie is a mess: it's only loosely tied to the first movie; it makes use some obviously out of place items for its supposed time period; the ending devolves into some sort of an Exorcist ripoff, and it just isn't as scary as the first one was. It has its moments, but most of it is underwhelming.

C-

Amityville II: The Possession is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00079Z9X2/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00079Z9X2&linkCode=as2&tag=thehorclu0a-20&linkId=X4GFBPRJPYSXZ67E

If you were a kid in the 80's, then you know that Diane Franklin was all over the place for a brief while, and then she just kind of fade away. She'll always be one of our favorite crushes though.

January 29, 2015

DVD Review: The Amityville Horror (2005)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0384806/
(aka Just Get Out Already!)
Release Date: April 15th, 2005.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Scott Kosar.
Directed by: Andrew Douglas.
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Philip Baker Hall, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Rachel Nichols as the sexiest babysitter ever.

If you see this remake for no other reason, see it for Rachel Nichols' sexy turn as a whorish babysitter who acts so inappropriately, that she almost deserved to die. she may only be in the movie for a few minutes, but good Lord was it an inspiring few minutes.
*This review is a re-do of one we did back in 2008. It needed an update.
A creepy, 30-year-old guy who lives in his parent's basement and runs a Dungeons & Dragons club, is possessed by a spirit that lives in his wall. He fails his saving throw versus Demonic Wall Ghosts, and consequently shoots everyone in his family in the head. Especially the kids. He shoots them real good like.

A year later, a workin' class guy and his family moves into the very same house, even though they can't possibly afford it (especially since she stopped stripping), and the house isn't happy about it at all. Then again, it hasn't had the chance to possess anyone new in over a year, so maybe it is happy.

THAT'S A HAPPY FACE.
George (Ryan Reynolds) spends lots of time walking around shirtless, chopping wood and going bat-shit crazy; he even plays a game of "Catch the axe 22 times" with the dog. All the while, his wife (Mmmelissa George), is absolutely oblivious to it all. Women. Halfway through the movie, the hottest babysitter ever to walk the face of the Earth (Rachel Nichols) shows up; she smokes weed, tries to french kiss a 12-year-old boy, and fingers a dead girls head in a closet, all of which drives her insane, and thus ends her 4 minute stint in the movie. Great job scriptwriters, you sure blew that one.

THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT HER.
Later, a Priest finds a swarm of flies in a bedroom upstairs, and runs to go get Orkin. The poor old guy could have solved the issue right away when the house told him to "Let them out!," especially with the window right there! Too bad he thought the creepy voice said "Go get help!" though. I'm sure Orkin took care of business either way. 

I won't ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that karate was involved, and Ryan Reynolds' beard was nowhere as good as James Brolins' was in the original. Not even close.

"I'M SORRY DEAR, BUT ORKIN ISN'T COMING."
The Babysitter. Good god was she fantastic or what?

Overall, This was a fairly solid remake, in that it didn't crap on the original all that much, and didn't make me mad enough to wish death on all of Hollywood for letting it happen. There are some genuine scares to be had here, and although the new trend of quick jump-cuts and blurred movement was all-to-present, it was used to mostly good effect.

If you like Ryan Reynolds, he's about as solid in this one as he always is. Ditto Melissa George. It's also interesting to note that this movie stars a 7-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz, who has gone on to star in all kinds of Genre projects since.

THE POOR  GIRL IS TERRIFIED!
The babysitter didn't get naked, nor did she have any sort of promiscuous sex on screen. Also, why did they stay in the house for so long?!?!?!

SHE'S TERRIFIED TOO!
These remakes need to slow down for a while, if not stop altogether. Most of them aren't necessary, other than to turn a quick and familiar buck.

WAIT... WHY IS SHE SCREAMING? SHE HAS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!
There's actually a decent amount of blood and gore in this one.

HE MUST HAVE JUST WATCHED FLASHDANCE.
Nope, dammit.

AMITYVILLE: THE NAUGHTY BABYSITTER.
If your new house starts whispering to you and intimating that it wants you to leave, you GTFO!

OR, MAYBE YOU KILL YOUR FAMILY. EITHER WAY.
As remakes go, this new incarnation of The Amityville Horror isn't bad at all. Most critics seemed to hate it, but you know what? Screw them. This one may not be as atmospheric as the 1979 original was, but it's a better film overall. Yeah, I said it.

B-

The Amityville Horror is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005CM1ILG/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B005CM1ILG&linkCode=as2&tag=thehorclu0a-20&linkId=PLWES3SBAZRK4A7V

Rachel Nichols and Melissa George... has there ever been a hotter duo in a Horror movie? *Yes, of course there has, but these girls deserve hottest duo consideration, none the less. Don't hate.