January 29, 2015

DVD Review: The Amityville Horror (2005)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0384806/
(aka Just Get Out Already!)
Release Date: April 15th, 2005.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Scott Kosar.
Directed by: Andrew Douglas.
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Philip Baker Hall, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Rachel Nichols as the sexiest babysitter ever.

If you see this remake for no other reason, see it for Rachel Nichols' sexy turn as a whorish babysitter who acts so inappropriately, that she almost deserved to die. she may only be in the movie for a few minutes, but good Lord was it an inspiring few minutes.
*This review is a re-do of one we did back in 2008. It needed an update.
A creepy, 30-year-old guy who lives in his parent's basement and runs a Dungeons & Dragons club, is possessed by a spirit that lives in his wall. He fails his saving throw versus Demonic Wall Ghosts, and consequently shoots everyone in his family in the head. Especially the kids. He shoots them real good like.

A year later, a workin' class guy and his family moves into the very same house, even though they can't possibly afford it (especially since she stopped stripping), and the house isn't happy about it at all. Then again, it hasn't had the chance to possess anyone new in over a year, so maybe it is happy.

THAT'S A HAPPY FACE.
George (Ryan Reynolds) spends lots of time walking around shirtless, chopping wood and going bat-shit crazy; he even plays a game of "Catch the axe 22 times" with the dog. All the while, his wife (Mmmelissa George), is absolutely oblivious to it all. Women. Halfway through the movie, the hottest babysitter ever to walk the face of the Earth (Rachel Nichols) shows up; she smokes weed, tries to french kiss a 12-year-old boy, and fingers a dead girls head in a closet, all of which drives her insane, and thus ends her 4 minute stint in the movie. Great job scriptwriters, you sure blew that one.

THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT HER.
Later, a Priest finds a swarm of flies in a bedroom upstairs, and runs to go get Orkin. The poor old guy could have solved the issue right away when the house told him to "Let them out!," especially with the window right there! Too bad he thought the creepy voice said "Go get help!" though. I'm sure Orkin took care of business either way. 

I won't ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that karate was involved, and Ryan Reynolds' beard was nowhere as good as James Brolins' was in the original. Not even close.

"I'M SORRY DEAR, BUT ORKIN ISN'T COMING."
The Babysitter. Good god was she fantastic or what?

Overall, This was a fairly solid remake, in that it didn't crap on the original all that much, and didn't make me mad enough to wish death on all of Hollywood for letting it happen. There are some genuine scares to be had here, and although the new trend of quick jump-cuts and blurred movement was all-to-present, it was used to mostly good effect.

If you like Ryan Reynolds, he's about as solid in this one as he always is. Ditto Melissa George. It's also interesting to note that this movie stars a 7-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz, who has gone on to star in all kinds of Genre projects since.

THE POOR  GIRL IS TERRIFIED!
The babysitter didn't get naked, nor did she have any sort of promiscuous sex on screen. Also, why did they stay in the house for so long?!?!?!

SHE'S TERRIFIED TOO!
These remakes need to slow down for a while, if not stop altogether. Most of them aren't necessary, other than to turn a quick and familiar buck.

WAIT... WHY IS SHE SCREAMING? SHE HAS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!
There's actually a decent amount of blood and gore in this one.

HE MUST HAVE JUST WATCHED FLASHDANCE.
Nope, dammit.

AMITYVILLE: THE NAUGHTY BABYSITTER.
If your new house starts whispering to you and intimating that it wants you to leave, you GTFO!

OR, MAYBE YOU KILL YOUR FAMILY. EITHER WAY.
As remakes go, this new incarnation of The Amityville Horror isn't bad at all. Most critics seemed to hate it, but you know what? Screw them. This one may not be as atmospheric as the 1979 original was, but it's a better film overall. Yeah, I said it.

B-

The Amityville Horror is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005CM1ILG/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B005CM1ILG&linkCode=as2&tag=thehorclu0a-20&linkId=PLWES3SBAZRK4A7V

Rachel Nichols and Melissa George... has there ever been a hotter duo in a Horror movie? *Yes, of course there has, but these girls deserve hottest duo consideration, none the less. Don't hate.

January 26, 2015

Blu-ray Review: What We Do in the Shadows (2015)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3416742/
(aka This is Jugular Tap)
Release Date: February 13th (Limited)
Country: New Zealand.
Rating: NR.
Written & Directed by: Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi.
Starring: Jemaine Clement, Taika Waititi, Jonathan Brugh, Cori Gonzalez-Macuer, Stuart Rutherford, and Ben Fransham.

Vladislav, Viago, Deacon and Petyr are four vampires living in Wellington, NZ, who are just trying to get through life the best way they know how. The vampire flatmates are a bit behind the times, still dressing like they did when they became vampires hundreds of years ago, and having no clue how to use modern technology at all, but they sure like to party. Especially Petyr.

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO WAKE PETYR UP FROM HIS NAP.
When Petyr accidentally turns Nick (a would-be meal) into a vampire, the guys are forced to let the him join their group. Nick has a rough time adapting to life as a vampire, which eventually leads to him bringing tragedy to their doorstep, and so he is banished from the fold after a brutal and horrific shaming ritual. Shame!

WHAT IS HE DOING UP THERE?
We don't really want to say too much more about the plot here, not because it would necessarily spoil things, but because this movie is a Mockumentary, and the plot isn't really all that important. We will say though, that this movie is so frigging silly, that it's brilliant.

HE IS A MESSY EATER.
When we first watched this movie, our reaction was basically "Yeah, that was pretty funny." We liked it, but we didn't really think it was all that great. It stuck with us though, and its scenes and lines kept popping up in our heads, and we'd find ourselves laughing at random times just thinking about them. When we sat down to watch it for a second time was when we truly "got it," and it slayed us. This is a really, really funny flick.

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE HAVING FUN.
If you've ever seen Flight of the Conchords, or just about anything else that Kiwi comedians Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi have been involved with over the years, then you know exactly what to expect here. WWDITS is deadpan comedy, Mockumentary style, which plays a lot like fellow Mockumentaries Best in Show or Fear of A Black Hat, and it also feels reminiscent of The Office in it's reality mechanics. Some of the jokes and bits may not work as well as others, but nothing feels forced in this movie. We like its natural vibe.

It's really the actors that make this movie so great. They all have such a good sense of comic timing, and their delivery is both so deadpan and perfect, that they elevate an already clever script to a higher level. Then again, most of the film was improvised (with the actors not really seeing a script), so I guess that the script had very little do with the outcome, and it is indeed the actors that make this movie what it is.

THAT SCARF HELPED TOO.
The funniest moments in the movie come from the littlest things: the vampires not being able to acclimate themselves to the modern world; a newly-turned vampire trying to get through a window; a vampire's reaction to being woken up from a deep sleep; "Do you like pasghetti?"; the vamps not being able to get into a club because the bouncers won't invite them in; Swearwolves; "No you're not, you fucking piece of shit"; the Procession of Shame, the virgin sandwich analogy... Like any good Mockumentary, the good stuff is this movie is found in the minutiae, and the minutiae in this movie is wickedly funny.
 
What We Do in the Shadows is the This is Spinal Tap for the new millennium; it's every bit as brilliant in its execution, and it's just about as funny in most places. As Mockumentaries go, it doesn't get much better than this.

HE FIRES HIS ARROWS THE RIGHT WAY; ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOW!
Vampires are people too. Kind of. Also, werewolves have impeccable manners.

WEREWOLVES, NOT SWEARWOLVES.
Weeks after seeing it, we still laugh whenever we think about What We Do in the Shadows. This is a very funny, enjoyable movie, and though its comic stylings may not be for everybody, we're pretty sure that most people that give it a chance will enjoy it as much as we did. Do yourselves a favor and see this one when you get the chance to.

A

What We Do in the Shadows will be available on VOD and in Limited Release as of February 13th. *It's already available on Blu-ray/DVD in Australia/NZ, if you have a Region-Free player.

Since there weren't a lot of Hotties in this movie, here are some more pics from the movie instead. You might even find some of them sexy. Who knows.