Review: Alex Cross (2012)

(aka Tyler Perry's First Funny Movie)
Release Date: Now showing at a Dollar Theater near you.
Country: USA
Written by: Marc Moss and Kerry Williamson.
Directed by: Rob Cohen. 
Starring: Tyler Perry, Matthew Fox, Rachel Nichols and Edward Burns.

"Don't ever cross Alex Cross!"

From the second I read that tag-line and saw that Tyler Perry was attached to the titular role, I knew this movie was going to be shit. I mean who came up with that clunky tag-line? The producer's son? Was it a make a wish project, where some dying kid got to make up the tag-line for a shitty, ill-conceived movie? I hope it was, because that would at least be an acceptable excuse.

"Don't shaft John Shaft!"
"Jack Reacher will reach you!"
"No one bans Bruce Banner!"

Yeah. That's Babytown Frolics right there.

And who in the world thought that Tyler Perry could actually pull of this role? The man is famous for dressing up like a woman and being nowhere near funny, so that makes him ready to take on a serious and nuanced role that was made famous by Morgan Freeman? Did the producers of this movie even read the books that Alex Cross is based on?

Doomed from the start, I say.

Tyler Perry doing his best Luis Guzaman stare.

Alex Cross is pretty much the black Sherlock Holmes. Seriously, the guy can look at a room full of stuff, think for a moment or two, and then be all like "There's a murder going on over on 4th street, we need to get there now!" Tyler Perry is a guy who keeps making unfunny movies that make tons of profit. Both of these men are wizards, apparently.

Are we honestly supposed to believe that Tyler Perry could actually hold all of his weight with four fingers? Right.

Every time Alex Cross talks, people around him nod their heads in solemn seriousness, because his words are obviously so brilliant and concise, that it makes people question their own souls. With a killer named Picasso (?!?) running around and killing people, Alex Cross's keen wit is needed now more than ever. We don't really see much of it at work here, but it is really, really needed.

Way to commit, Matthew Fox.

When the super-psycho and super-efficient Picasso begins killing people close to Alex Cross, he cries some manly tears for about four minutes, and then hits the streets with a shotgun, looking for some good old fashioned get-back. Gone are his trademark analytical skills that make him Alex Cross, and in their place we get some truly unconvincing ass-kicking!

You know what? Just move along folks.... there's nothing to see here. Really.

I wouldn't even run.

As dismal as this movie was to endure, there were a few good things about it.

Matthew Fox is pretty creepy and over the top here as the psycho Picasso, that Alex Cross is chasing. With a better script and a different guy playing Alex Cross, Fox would have been fun to watch. He actually plays a hell of a roll here, especially considering that he's not the best actor out there to begin with.

Cicely Tyson plays the sassy black mammy, Nana Mama, who won't stand for no disrespect! Who knew that at 104-years-old, she still had it in her. Good for her. We've always loved The Wiz.

Rachel Nichols is always a pleasure to watch, for many reasons. Mainly, her boobs and butt. She's a decent actress too, though.

Sassily Tyson still means business!

Aside from the pitiful script, the poor acting, the messy and contrived plot, and the overall general lack of care that went into the every aspect of making of this movie, there's one thing that stands out above all else as the movie's biggest fault:

Tyler Perry looks out of place without a wig.

There's really not one thing about Tyler Perry playing the role of Alex Cross that rings true. He is honestly one of the worst actors working today. He makes his bread and butter by doing simple-minded humor for simple-minded people, which is all well and good, but this movie is proof that he should stick to the drag routine.

From his trying to nurture a felonious girl named Pop Pop (lol), to spouting cheesy one liners like "Is this what you wanna die doin'? Drop the gun! Now!," the character and actor both come across and tired and untrue. We've seen it all before, and we've seen it done way better than Tyler Perry does it here.

A quick shout out to Edward Burns too, who as usual, showed up and read his lines in his own wooden, uninspired way. Way to be consistent.

Oh hey look, it's Rachel Nichols.

 

Isn't Alex Cross supposed to be a great investigator? Isn't the draw of his movies and books that we get to see how he figures things out, and take that journey of discovery along with him? Well, at one point in the movie, after looking at a crime scene for about 30 seconds, he deduces "This was one guy!" over and over again, but never gives an reasons why he arrived at that brilliant conclusion.

While talking about the killer, Ed Burns' character asks Alex Cross "He got a good look at us, think we'll end up on his list (to kill?)" Cross thinks for a second, shakes his head and says "Not his M.O."

While frantically trying to find Picasso, Ed Burns' character says to Alex Cross "Think like him, get inside his head, where would you be!" Alex Cross turns around and stares off past the camera and says "(on) a train!" Come on man. COME ON!!!!!!!

This script and everything in it was just Babytown Frolics. *Mad shout-out to Sterling Archer.

*For the record, Detroit has no "train" system moving through the city. What we see in the movie, in all of its 3-car glory, is the People Mover. Sure, it might technically be a train, but really all it does is drive around in a three mile circle. It's kinda like a wannabe train. We laugh at it a lot here.

Yep, that about sums up our feelings about Alex Cross.

Alex Cross is a poor, poor excuse for a Thriller, and especially one of the Alex Cross variety. The characters are as cliche' as the dialogue is bad, the plot is a crazy mess of hollow implausibility, and there's nothing here that even remotely engages the audience... in a good way. This movie might have been better had it starred Idris Elba as originally intended, but even he may not have been enough to elevate this awful script very high. Then again, maybe that's why he took a pass on starring in the movie to begin with.

This movie will go down in movie history as one of the worst of 2012. It might even contend for title of "The Worst."

Rachel Nichols is way too hot to be starring in this poopsicle, but still, we're glad for any chance we get to see her on screen.

The Digital Dread Report for December 4th

This week belongs to the Batman, plain and simple.

TDKR is a great end to a great trilogy, is going to look great on Blu-ray, and is not only the must own release of the week, but of the entire month. Own it and love it. We got the Target exclusive Digibook and the BB exclusive Steelbook, and both are awesome.

We had to order The Hostel BD 2-pack from Amazon because of the crazy low $4.99 price tag. They're fun enough flicks to warrant a $5 spenditure, especially for both in one set.

V/H/S also hits this week, and though we didn't think it was the second coming of Hand-Held Christ like some other sites did, we enjoyed it enough to give it another watch. Ditto for Silent Night; nothing mind blowing, but enough dumb fun to warrant at least a rental.

If you're a Godzilla/Gamera fan, then this week is a special treat for you with two new releases to roar about.

Existenz and Tell No One were both solid flicks, and both worthy of a viewing.

The Silent Night, Deadly Night double feature is a fun blast from the past; the first one is a slasher classic, while part 2 is honestly one of the worst movies of all time. Honestly, Eric Freeman turns in one of the worst acting efforts ever in the sequel, which is good or bad depending on whether you like bad movies or not. Either way, fun times all around.

There's a good mix of movies out this week, but like I said from the start, nothing tops The Dark Knight Rises, for must-have status this week.

Review: The Apparition (2012)

So lets just take a minute or two to cover this one, even though we'd really rather forget it even exists.

Do you like Gossip Girl? Do you love anyone who was in Twilight, and have you vowed to see whatever they show up in, just because Twilight was so fucking shitty awesome? Do you wish that every Horror movie would be PG-13 and be as intense as the average Lifetime movie? Do you wish Horror movies would have almost no scares because scares scare you too much?

Well then, this is the movie for you?

To put it simply, The Apparition is a really bad movie that Warner Bros. made to cash in on Ashley Greene's Twilight fame. Add Draco Malfoy to the mix, and that makes it even better, right? In the end, even the WB knew this was an embarrassment, but released it in Theaters anyhow. Now it's on BD/DVD.

You should run.

The Apparition starts off with a bunch of nerds in 1963 conducting the poorest named experiment of all time; The Charles Experiment. Seriously, what is that dull and clunky name supposed to inspire? The experiment involves said nerds standing around and staring at a picture of some dead guy named Charles, which they think will summon his spirit amongst them. Riveting stuff.

Flash-forward to what I'm guessing is now, and four College Students are trying to recapture the creepy un-magic of The Charles Experiment. Using modern technology, they are able to magnify their staring power 400 fold, which again is supposed to summon the spirit of this Charles guy. Something eventually shows up, and sucks the best part of the movie (and her magnificent rack) into the wall. Still riveting stuff.

Draco Malfoy is staring at the haunted rack of Julianna Guill.

Sometime later (days, years, I don't know), one of the chicks from Twilight and her boyfriend begin finding black mold around their huge and really expensive looking house (seriously, how do average kids in these movies afford such expensive houses?) This mold is apparently either A; the angry spirit of Charles, or B; was put there by the angry spirit of Charles. Either way, it's riveting stuff.

Ah, another Twilight star who does the bewildered look perfectly.

Strange noises, locked doors, messy closets, a dead dog, flat acting and and an absolute bare minimum of creepiness ensues. Honestly, the average episode of Scooby Doo has more tension and terror in it than this movie does. The only mystery here is can you make it until the end credits before kicking your TV set in disbelief? No. No you can't.

Yeah, the sheet was haunted too.

 

It's got an awesome poster.
Ashley Greene is pretty hot.
Julianna Guill and her world-class boobs are in this, although for far too short a time.

Tom Felton was pretty good in this one too, because he's actually a good actor.

 

Pretty much everything else.

The Apparition is nowhere near the worst movie ever made, but it's safe to say that it's one of the worst movies of this year. It's a PG-13 snooze-fest that offers no characterization, stale plot development, and worst of all, no scares. It's slow, plodding, poorly conceived and executed, and it sucks. It really doesn't do much of anything. It's just kind of there. Screw this movie, I hate it!

More intense bewilderment.

Also, it's retarded.

Convinced that your house is haunted, even though not much has actually happened to warrant that hypothesis? Pitch a tent in the back yard, because that's far enough away from the haunting to keep you safe. And am I crazy, or did the angry apparition pick up a security camera and film Ashley Greene sleeping, all Found-Footage style? Really?

And what was with the "Once you believe, you die!" tag-line that had barely anything to do with the movie? Is that why the dog walked into the moldy laundry room, laid down on the floor and died? Because it believed? REALLY?!?

And what was with that horrible and anticlimactic ending? How much did Costco pay to have Ashley Greene wander into one of their stores, go into a display tent, zip it up and let the apparition hand massage her scalp, signifying the end of the movie? A hearty middle finger to whoever wrote this garbage.

It's all just so silly and dull, I cannot believe it was allowed to be in Theaters.

 

Hey Hollywood, do you want to know why your box office numbers are down this year? No, it's not because of piracy, it's because you dump awful movies like this into Theaters. People are tired of being suckered into paying $10+ a ticket and $20 for a coke and some popcorn; having to endure commercials before the previews even start; dealing with mouth-breathers that talk and disrupt the movie with their cellphones, chewing, hitting of seats, and general ill manners... add to the lackluster experience of it all the fact that a movie like this is so bad that it isn't even worth seeing for free, and there you have your answer.

We have HDTV's at home, Hollywood. Nice ones, too. There's no reason for us to waste the time, money and effort it takes to go to the Theater for this kind of movie.

We have spoken, and our collective voices are telling you that we'd rather hang on to our money.

Bewildered again!

 

The whopping 4% score on Rotten Tomatoes should tell you everything you need to know; The Apparition is 96% suck. Don't spend your money on this one, go and rent something else. If you're itching to buy something new and good on BD/DVD, go grab a copy of The Dark Knight Rises and call it a day. This movie is just an embarrassment, and Warner Bros. knows it, so don't you think otherwise.

 

The only two redeeming qualities offered by this movie are named Ashley Greene and Julianna Guill; and I'm talking their hotness here, not their brave and inspiring performances.