Who will win February's Hottie Wrangle?

Will it be Alessandra Torresani for playing the rebellious slut in Playback or Eva Green for fighting a viral pandemic in Perfect Sense? Violante Placido was hotter than even Johnny Blaze was in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, and Allison Ochmanek was the only redeeming part of Filth to Ashes... will either of them win? Then again one of the girls of The Fades could be crowned Hottie of the Month, because Lily Loveless and Natalie Dormer are both dirty birds.

It's so hard to decide...

He Knows You're Alone (1980)

When it comes to slasher flicks, 1980 was pretty much the jumping off point. Halloween of course arguably gave birth to it all, but it wasn't until Friday the 13th that the slasher craze truly began. After F13th, studios scrambled to get their own slasher flick into theaters to cash in on the trend, and most of them just had to be clever about it.

Every holiday in the world was used as a reason for someone to run around killing nubile teenagers, from Valentine's Day to Mother's Day, but one movie said "screw holiday's, we're going to exploit brides instead!"

Yep, it was this one.

He Knows You're Alone, along with Prom Night, F13, Terror Train and Happy Birthday to Me, was a part of the 1980 slasher vanguard that sent horror fans into a frenzy, and began a decade long fascination with creepy masked killers with long knives stalking unsuspecting teens and killing them in increasingly clever ways.

Maybe this killer didn't have a mask, but most of them did!

He Knows You're Alone opens with a shot of a bride (Amy) on her wedding day, sitting alone in a room, staring into a mirror, when out of nowhere her ex-lover appears and stabs her to death. Her hubby to be was a cop, so you know this is all set up for the rest of the movie...

... which begins a few years later, as Amy is set to marry her cheating-ass, uber-douche of a boyfriend, Clint, or Chad (or some equally douchey name.) Her ex-boyfriend is doing his best to get her to dump Brad and marry him instead, but he's a geek who works in the morgue, so he's already fighting for her with a double handicap.

She is definitely 80's hot.

Amy's bridal party is made up of morons and sluts, who at least have the decency to have that sexy early 80's look going on, even if their hair screams Charlie's Angels a little too much. It's not long before we discover that the killer from the first scene is back, skulking around and stalking Amy. It's all very Michael Myers-ish if you ask us, but eh, it's a slasher flick... it only has so much creative license at its disposal...

He knows you're alone... because he's standing right there and can see that you are!

He tries to kill to Amy a few times, but is thwarted at every turn, so he begins to kill her friends and anyone who is even remotely involved with her pending nuptials. Even the sweet old tailor gets it, all because he's altering her dress; now that's a man with a dedication to vendetta! We're pretty sure that the guy two towns over who was making the wedding cake got offed too, but that was off screen, so we will never truly know.

What's odd to us is how oblivious Amy (and apparently everyone else in town) is to her friends being murdered. Her Ex even works at the morgue, and he doesn't tell her that one of her bridesmaids is laid out on one of his slabs? How does that even happen?

Maybe we're just dummies...

This is a fun flick in a kitschy sort of way. It's not overtly bloody, not particularly scary, but it gets the job done. Back in the day, it probably thrilled audiences. These days, we the audience are so jaded and have been so inundated with slasher and slasher-like flicks, that this one may seem more like slasher-lite to us.

Worst of all to us, was the ending. It was a relatively new thing to do the shocking, twist-ending back then, but it doesn't make it any less lame now. The ending in this one will make you shake your head, I promise you that. It felt almost 80s Italian style.

"Vance, what are you doing here?" Yeah.

C+ For the sake of nostalgia alone, He Knows You're Alone gets an above average mark. It's definitely a piece of slasher movie history, and even though it has plenty of flaws, it still has that old school slasher feel about it. It needed more of an edge to it, but as it stands it's a fun throwback flick to check out every now and then.

It's fun to note how many future stars played small roles in this flick, so let's take a look at them.

Oh yeah, that's Tom Hanks. First movie ever.

Paul Gleason, best movie principle ever!

James Rebhorn, the guy whose name you don't know, but have seen in about 120 different things.

Little Audrey from National Lampoon's Euro Vacation grew up hot.

Theatrical Review: The Grey (2012)

The story of The Grey revolves around Liam Neesons' character who shoots wolves for a living in Alaska, who seems to be fairly depressed about it. So depressed is he, that he puts a gun in his mouth and decides to remove his head from his own body, until he hears some wolves howling... 

I guess he took that a challenge from the wolves, and figured he'd better go on living to kill more of them. 

Or, it could have to do with something deeper, like his destiny calling to him or something, but we really like the "kill 'em all" idea better.

Aww, Liam has a sad.

When Neeson and his crew of oil-drilling roughnecks board a plane to head home, a blizzard sets in mid-flight and rips the plane apart, and they crash in the vast Alaskan wilderness. Did the wolves send that blizzard to get revenge on the wolf killer? Possibly. Wolves have been known to dabble in magic from time to time... It does seem likely though, because once the survivors of the crash band together and start trying to survive, a pack of wolves set their sights on them, determined to kill all of the humans who are intruding on their turf. Their magic turf.

Keep going, you'll make it! LOL!

The Grey is packed with scene after scene of tense, sometimes nail-biting action, most of which involves unarmed, half-frozen men trying to fend off bloodthirsty wolves with sticks. You can just imagine how that goes for most of them.

Yeah, it pretty much ends like that.

The idea of Liam Neeson fighting wolves with his bare hands sold us on this movie from the get-go. Let's be honest here; Liam Neeson is the kind of actor that instantly makes any movie better, just for him starring in it. Add to that the fact that Joe Carnahan was directing, and it was pretty much a no-brainer for us. For those of you that don't know Joe Carnahan, go check out Smokin' Aces, and the vastly underrated Narc; the guy knows action, and can navigate dark territory really well.

What you might not be able to imagine is how deep the story actually goes. Carnahan crafted himself a harrowing story of survival with The Grey, but amidst the action is an equally compelling story about the frailty of the human condition, and the Demons that haunt us all. At times, The Grey gets downright sentimental, causing manly tears to be shed... though not ours of course. We're far too manly to cry at movies, even if you were in the same Theater as we were, and you swear that you saw/heard us crying. That wasn't us. That was some other guys.

Liam didn't cry though, Nope. Not once. Alright, maybe once, but that was from the cold.

Why not just stay with the plane? I get why they left, and I may have done exactly the same thing in their situation, but what if they had stayed with the plane? Wouldn't the black box have been located in a few days time, and then they could have been rescued? Most likely they would have frozen to death before being found, but the thought of them living had they hunkered down in the plane until help arrived still stuck with us throughout the movie.

Looks pretty safe and warm to us...

The fact that there's a protest over The Grey's portrayal of wolves as savage animals is pathetic, mainly because they can be savage when threatened, especially in the wild where they are not used to Human contact. In the movie, they felt threatened and were protecting their territory. It just sucks that every little thing these days has to be an excuse for every asshole with a cause to jump on their soapbox to bring attention to their own personal agenda.

Respect his animal rights and let him maul you. That's nature's way.

There's plenty of wolf vs. man carnage in this one. A lot of it may be CGI, but it works despite the fakery of it all. You won't like it if you're sensitive to animal violence, though.

None. Given the cast of this movie, we think that's a good thing.

The Alpha Male showdown, without a doubt. Sure, the plane crash sequence was crazy intense and really good, but Liam Neeson taping broken bottles to his hands and making like Wolverine to fist fight an angry, massive wolf, is just about as bad-ass as it gets.

I am so doing this the next time my dog gets unruly...

Alaska does not fuck around. Also, neither do wolves. Also, neither does Liam Neeson. That's a whole lot of no fucking around going on in this movie. 

I'd say run, but why bother?

The Grey is a tension-filled action thriller that operates on a deeper level; almost like it's a philosophical action flick. There's sentimentality to spare amongst the carnage and tension of the wolf vs. man battle for dominance, and that's a good thing. It's nice to see a genre flick that doesn't feel so empty for a change. Go see it while it's still in theaters, but be sure to stay after the credits, as there's a brief scene that was nice to see. Go see it is the lesson here though, as it's a truly great flick.

A

The Grey is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

PETA is an asshole, and can suck it.

No wolves were harmed in the making of this movie, and in fact most of the scenes involving wolves were done with CGI. Still, PETA gets on their soapbox and rants and raves about how The Grey portrays wolves as monsters, or how it was rumored that the cast ate wolf meat obtained by a third party trapper, blah, blah, blah...

Listen, no one wants to hurt animals for the sake of entertainment, and portraying wolves as territorial predators is wholly accurate. It was a movie, folks. It didn't make me wish harm on wolves, nor did it change my perspective about them. Wolves are gorgeous creatures, and yet they can also be absolutely ferocious. I hope they all live happy, long, Wolfy lives out in the woods that they inhabit. If they come after me, I hope I kill them to ensure my survival. My survival comes first, along with the survival of my fellow man. That's pack mentality. The wolves are thinking the same thing about us. That's called nature.

If I'm in their territory and they best me, then I had it fucking coming. Sure, I'm pissed that I'm fucking dead, but it's not like they broke into my house in the middle of the night to murder me. Conversely, if they do attack me, and I kill one to save my life, then bully for me.

I would never be inhumane to animals, and yet I had some ham today. Tomorrow I'll have some chicken for dinner, and I like birds just fine. Preach all you want, PETA, but I am carnivore, and you can suck it.

Suck it, suck it, suck it.

We love bunnies, so we should probably protest Monty Python or Night of the Leupus next, eh?

Silly PETA, why would we eat humans when we have so many delicious animals to eat?

DVD Releases for February 21st

This week in DVD is an odd one for us, because aside from The Fades, we havent seen any of the flicks, so we cant really offer comment on them.

The Fades is a cool little British show about vengeful spirits and a team of angels (?) that protects the world from them. It's only 6 episodes long, but was pretty entertaining.

If we had to take a chance on one of the others, we'd have to go with Double Exposure, which could end up being some old school fun. The rest look like low budget crap shoots.

Click the pics for more info on the flicks.




What will you rent, buy, or avoid?