Further update on the January Hottie Wrangle...

Stag Night of the Dead kinda sucked, and Shriek of the Sasquatch, while sucking for the most part, deserves some credit for kicking it 70's style and amusing us. As for the hotties, neither really showed all that much skin, opting instead to act (which I'm not sure either can very well), but the edge goes to Sarah French. The slutty blonde. One more pair of flicks to watch and we will have our finalists, and our Horror Hottie of the Month for January.

We know, you can hardly wait.

DVD Releases for January 24th

Finally, we have a good mix of releases to choose from this week. The best bets look to be The Woman and Paranormal Activity 3, both of which were good in their own way. The House on Sorority Row is a great old school slasher seeing a re-release, and should definitely be in any horror fans slasher collection. Real Steel was mindless fun, if you like robot boxing, I suppose.

The Iron Rose and The Naked Vampire are worth a look, if you like your horror in the old 70's exploitation vein.

The rest are a crap shoot. Ron Jeremy, Michael Madsen, Porn Stars, cheesy vampires, Asian revenge and a rubber-masked Satan... if I had to pick one of them not to suck, It'd have to be Punished, which could end up being good.

*Click the pics for more info on the releases.






What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

Kill List (2012)

It's about time that we got to talk about a good movie for a change, as all of the junkers we've been watching of late have begun to wear on us...

Kill List is an interesting little movie that's best described as two British Hitmen run afoul of... well, we don't really want to say what they run afoul of, as it will ruin things for you.

Let's just break down the plot like this: after a job gone wrong, two British Hitmen decide to pull one last job (never heard this plot synopsis before, have you?), only to find that the job goes deeper and has more creepy twists than they could have ever expected...

Bollocks.

So yeah, we just described the plot of most generic, B-grade action/heist flicks, even though Kill List is anything but. What we have here is a movie about some Hitmen that descends into some crazy Horror flick territory as it wears on, ending smack dab in the middle of WTF-ville. The end of Kill List seems to have divided audiences into love it or hate it camps; as for us, we liked it but think that it happened so suddenly and ended so abruptly, that it really didn't have time to affect us as it should have. It also left us with some questions that will no doubt never have clear answers, and that is never a good thing in our book.

Like us, he is searching for answers...

We can say that the movie didn't shy away from the violence, some of which was pretty cringe-inducing. It is about Hitmen after all, so you'd hope there would be some good whacking going on, right? Where the movie truly shines though, is in the subtlety of whats really going on underneath the surface if things; as we said before, where the movie goes is interesting and made us want to see it again, just to see what signs and portents we missed the first time around. Wish we could say more, but that would make us the kind of dicks that like to ruin a good thing for people, and we hate those kinds of dicks.

This picture is spoilerish enough.

Had Kill List given us a bit more to cleanse our pallet with at the end, we would have liked it more. As it stands, Kill List is a gritty, realistic, and fun ride that manages to throw a few interesting twists our way, and take the Hitman/Crime Thriller sub-genre to a whole new depth of eerie. Better than most, not as good as some, you should definitely give this one a spin in your DVD players.

B+

Despite her being in the final two Twilight movies, we still have to give some love to Myanna Buring... because how does someone so tiny get such big boobies?

 

January Hottie Wrangle

So many movies each month feature so many hotties, that's it's often times hard to pick just one as our Hottie of the Month. I mean, how should we qualify the best of the best? Physical hotness? Talent? Love and dedication to the genre? Being a creepy bitch? Being a super big whore?

All of that and more, if we're being honest. It's never easy.

Let's take a look at the hotness invading January's genre offerings...

Sure, Eva Green's movie Perfect Sense isn't really horror per se, but it is about a viral epidemic, and plus she's got the trifecta of hot going on; eyes, lips and boobies. On the other hand, Ashlynn Yennie is back for another go around in the Human Centipede 2, and besides being cute, she really goes all out on the nasty meter in the movie. Yennie probably wins this coupling.

Sara Paxton is definitely a busy girl when it comes to horror, doing her sweet girl next door routine perfectly. Aimee Teegarden does the sweet and pious thing too, although she does it a little too well. Still, her hotness can not be denied. Both hot, but they need to slut it up a bit. Sara wins this one, clearly.

Maybe the hottest chick this month is one of our genre veterans: Mila is always looking hot, and plus she kicks ass. Then there's Kate Beckinsale, one of the hottest chicks ever, back as death dealer Selene in Underworld Part 12 (or whatever.) There's no human way we can not want to see her in that shiny black body suit again. Gotta go with Kate here. because she's a naughty Brit.

Here we have two relative unknown girls. Sophie Lovell Anderson is starring in the direct to DVD Stag Night of the Dead, which looks shitty, but she's hot enough to sucker us in to watching anyhow. There's really no way that Shriek of the Sasquatch! can be worth renting, but Sarah French (aka Scarlet Salem) is still sassy hot and makes us almost want to...Not sure about this pair yet, so we reserve judgement until we see the flicks.

In closing, we will endure the said-to-be-bad Cold Sweat to see Camila Velasco sweat. Same goes for Spiderhole; we hear tell of that movie sucking, but damn it if Emma Griffiths Malin doesn't make a compelling case for us watching it anyway... Same thing here, we need to see the flicks before we commit.

So you see, it's hard to decide. In the end, maybe it comes down to movies and the girl's performance, but then again we're fairly superficial and can be swayed by hotness and gratuitous nudity.

We'll see who wins by the end of the month.

In the interest of clarity...

This is the movie Cold Sweat, which was released to DVD this week:

This movie is not to be confused with the 1970 Charles Bronson vehicle, nor the 1994 soft core porn Shannon Tweed effort:


Nor is it to be confused with the 1990 rock band of the same name, who actually kinda rocked:

Thank you for your time.

The Oregonian (2012)

This is simply one of the worst movies that I have ever seen.

We completely understand that the term "worst ever" is used far too loosely by people these days, so before you ask us if that qualifier is truly deserved in this case, let me tell you that we've endured some horrendous movies in our time; Ice From the Sun, Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist, The Apple... Hell, long before there was a THC, we were a collective of fools who relished getting together and watching bad movies. For fun.

We were actually The Bad Movie Club. True story.

We used to buy each other bad movies for Birthdays and Christmas, each of us trying to out-do the other's level of awful. We tried to find the worst movies ever, and I mean painfully bad movies; not just something like Gigli which is amateur hour as far as bad movies go. All of it was done with the intention of pissing each other off. We'd get together once a week and watch 2 or 3 bad movies; sometimes we laughed, sometimes people got slapped... honestly, there were times when people got slapped.

I say all of that to illustrate the point that The Oregonian is a movie that would have definitely earned a slap or two back in our bad movie days. Maybe even a gentle choking. It's a tough one to endure.

If only she could kill the memory of this film...

A girl gets into a car accident, wanders around in a daze and encounters odd people. That's the entire plot and point of the movie. We're treated to a ton of shaky-cam; lots of loud, jarring music and noises; characters that appear and do nothing aside from smile for minutes on end; and a mess of other nonsensical shit that made us wonder if the whole thing wasn't just some big joke.

We're convinced that Calvin Reeder made this movie for the sole purpose of annoying, and even angering, his potential audience. Nothing else can even begin to explain why this messy, contrived, awful movie even exists... unless he and everyone involved were on acid and meth and just decided one day "Dude, let's make a movie!" That would actually explain a lot.

This movie isn't deep and creatively bold as some "smart fans" of the Internet would have you believe; on the contrary, 73 users on IMDB have given The Oregonian a crazy good score of 7.3, which is absolute proof that those numbers are skewed. The only decent thing about the movie is True Blood's Lindsay Pulsipher, who for some reason has appeared in multiple projects directed by Reeder. Not even her adorability saves this movie, the highlights of which involve a guy pissing a rainbow, someone sharing recipes for omelette's, people vomiting what looks like black blueberry pie-filling, and someone in a frog costume with a googly eye, standing around and jerking off inside the suit whenever the mood strikes them.

Oh, it's artistic. Got ya.

How this movie made it into Sundance is a mystery of epic proportions. A little google research on our part and we found that many people left the movie mid-play to escape the screeching noises, and the atrocious everything else.

If it's that easy to get a film into Sundance, be on the lookout next year for our entry entitled "The Detroiter"; it's the story of a white guy who wakes up in the middle of Detroit and tries to find his way back home, while stopping every so often to masturbate with bacon and scream the lyrics to Bon Jovi songs. Before long, the midget mimes catch him and try to make him drink their "Blue Milk." Somewhere in there we'll have a Unicorn dance-off scene too. It's going to be deep.

We feel bad for all of last years "worst of" movies that we hated on, because none of them were this bad. They sucked, but at least they tried to make some sense and just failed. The Oregonian is a bunch of odd visuals, painful noises, and horrible camera work/editing, slapped together just for the sake of being slapped together.  

2012 is going to have to work hard to give us a movie worse than this. Watch at your own risk.

At least Lindsay Pulsipher is cute.