The Horror Hotties of 2011- Part 1

Before we start with the movies, it's time for us to give some love to our favorite Horror movie fixtures: the Hotties.

Sure, some may say they're just window dressing, or pretty faces with dirty bodies, but we say yes, you're absolutely right. Who doesn't love innocent Final Girls with hot asses? Who amongst us can discount a girl with fantastic boobs just because they might suck at acting? And really, don't misguided sluts make the world a better place? Yes. The answer is always yes.

So celebrate with us the nakedness, bad behavior, girl-on-girl kissing, random sex, and and dirty whore-like mouths that make our Horror world creepy in a whole different way.

Deborah Ann Woll

This hot ginger is the kind of girl we want to hug, because she seems so sweet, and smack her ass while were hugging her and say "you dirty little bitch, I lub you!" We're very dualistic with our affection. Also, passive aggressive. Not only is she the hottest eternally-virgin 17-year-old Vampire of ever in True Blood, but she was dirty hot in Mother's Day too. She's becoming we Horror fan's go-to ginger. She just needs to get a little dirtier in her future roles and she'll become an all-time classic in no time at all. Maybe smoke and drink a little more. Have some extra naked sex. Kiss other girls more frequently and make it believable. It's always the little things that matter in the biggest of ways.

Our Review of Mother's Day.
Her Horror Hottie Post 1, Post 2.

Katheryn Winnick

This sassy blonde captured the hearts of our penis' way back in the day (a few years ago) in Satan's Little Helper, starring as the slutty chick who let Satan go down on her. Then, she made us pee ourselves a little in Amusement, because that clown was scary. This year she gave us an equally stirring performance in Choose, the highlight of which is where she was tied to a bed. So talented. Why is it that the prissy blondes always seem to have the hardest time slutting it up for us? It's a shame too, because her almost-nakedness and penchant for kissing girls is truly inspiring. Her facial features seem work quite well together... a bit too well, don't you think? Especially those lips. Those dirty, dirty lips.

Our Reviews of Choose, Amusement, Satan's Little Helper.
Her Horror Hottie Post.

Katrina Bowden

Even though she's a prude that will never get naked because she thinks she's too hot, we can't help but recognize her loin-stirring sauciness here. We first worked one out to her in 2009's The Shortcut, where she was so wholesome we just couldn't help ourselves. This year though she really upped her Horror game with Tucker & Dale vs Evil. I kinda wish she would have banged Tyler Labine on screen though, but that's neither here nor there. *Issues, we have them. She's kinda like the hookery girl next door; you know, the snotty, superficial Head Cheerleader that is definitely up for some hot backdoor action if you're the team QB, or you look like a half-gay Abercrombie model? Yeah, that's her. With Piranha 3DD and Nurse 3-D coming up next year, we can only hope she loses some of her prudish nature and sluts it up bit more.

Our Reviews of The Shortcut, Tucker & Dale.
Her Horror Hottie Post 1, Post 2.

Mmmelissa George

Our love affair with this woman will NEVER end. Not only does she rock the incredible hotness of an Aussie accent, but look at that mouth; It's the perfect combo of full, lush lips and teeth. Maybe it's just the upper lip, I don't know, but lips are a big deal. Especially to men with questionable morals. The best thing about Mmmelissa is that she's all about the Horror genre. Bag of Bones might have sucked, but A Lonely Place to Die sure didn't. She may have been fully dressed in mountain climbing gear for that one, but she still rocked. Recently, the tabloids are reporting that she's dating 54 year old Russell Simmons, which is kinda sad and creepy, but it proves that she'll pretty much bang anyone, which just makes her all the more hot. *Disclaimer: For the record, we'd bang a billionaire too if we had the chance, even and old and not attractive one like Russell Simmons. Billionaire. That word pretty much cancels out any argument we could possibly mount here, no?

Our Review of WAZ, Triangle.
Her Horror Hottie Post 1, Post 2.

Jennifer Ulrich

Something about this German schlampe just captivates us. Ok, she might not truly be a schlampe in her off-screen life, but we sure hope she is. In any event, she was plenty schlampy in We are the Night, in which she pretty much just sat around looking pissy, chain-smoking, banging random guys and drinking their blood, and even scissor-kissing her fellow hot Vampiress schlampe friends. Where did this girl come from all of a sudden? Germany, I suppose. Where does she go from here, in addition to our collective spank bank? Hopefully on to more Horror projects. She's already got one on the way called 205- Zimmer der Angst, which is a Swedish Horror flick of some sort. She plays mean and sexy very well, and with those eyes... we will definitely be in line to check it out. Wir lieben Sie, Jennifer!

Our Review of We are the Night.

Oh yeah, there is a part two, and it's right down there...

The Horror Hotties of 2011- Part 2

Before we start with the movies, it's time for us to give some love to our favorite Horror movie fixtures: the Hotties.

Sure, some may say they're just window dressing, or pretty faces with dirty bodies, but we say yes, you're absolutely right. Who doesn't love innocent Final Girls with hot asses? Who amongst us can discount a girl with fantastic boobs just because they might suck at acting? And really, don't misguided sluts make the world a better place? Yes. The answer is always yes.

So celebrate with us the nakedness, bad behavior, girl-on-girl kissing, random sex, and dirty whore-like mouths that make our Horror world creepy in a whole different way.

Alexandra Daddario

Eyes or jugs? I dare you to decide which one of them is the more perfect feature on this girl. Her boobs are like 2 massive scoops of dirty vanilla ice cream, and her eyes are crystal clear pools of blue sin. So either way, we win. Bereavement was a great movie all on it's own, but the curvy brunette hotness of Alex D. definitely made it that much better. And yes, we are excited to see Texas Chainsaw 3D next year, just because of her. You just know she'll be running around all sweaty in a dirty wife beater, fighting for her sexy life, and that just can't be a bad thing... even if the thought of a TCM movie in "3D" makes us sad. She goes topless, all is forgiven.

Our Review of Bereavement.
Her Horror Hottie Post 1, Post 2.

Amber Marie Bollinger

We're not completely sure, but we think she just dropped the "Amber" from her name, as her IMDB page just say Marie now. Hmm... Until this mystery is cleared up, we will call her The Bollinger Girl. It's just what we have to do. Anywho, just look at her face. Just look for a minute. Eyes, piercing. Nose, cute. Lips, full and wet (?). She's even got a cleft in the chin. She's got that perfect kind of face that makes her able to rock the short haircut, and that's not easy to pull off for a lot of women. Still though there's something else on that face that is better than everything else... she has a cleft in her lip! We'd run backwards through a field of dicks with a greased ass for one kiss from those lips. Not even a dirty one. Just a peck. Lip cleft, okay? Lip cleft.

She's definitely a Horror girl too, which is the best part. Pelt, Hell-O-Ween, Panman... all low-budget, but one of these days she's going to get scooped up for a bigger budget flick and all hell's gonna break loose. Remember that I said it here first.

Our Review of Pelt.
Her Horror Hottie Post.

Danielle Harris

Danielle Harris really should be everyone's Hottie of the Year, every year, because is there any other hot girl who shows up in more Horror flicks than she does? Stake Land, Hatchet II, Cyrus, The Victim, Chromeskull, Devil's Night... She's this generation's Jamie Lee Curtis, only way hotter. She's a busy girl. She's kinda like a dirty pixie; a dirty, murderous pixie who looks as good in skimpy clothes as she does all covered in blood. Seriously, isn't she like 4'9 or something? We're not poking fun here, so don't get it twisted; tiny or not, we're not fucking with her, because she's creepy. Creepy in a good way though. We look forward to seeing her in about 15 more movies in 2012.

Our Review of The Ward, Hatchett 2, Blood Night.
Her Horror Hottie Post 1, Post 2.

Amber Heard

This girl makes us want to be a lesbian. I mean she's basically the quintessential smoky hot blonde, isn't she? We admire the fact that she hates penis', because we do too (even our own.) Amber Heard has been showing up in Horror flicks for years now, going all the way back to the awesome All the Boys Love Mandy Lane in 2006. This year, she gave us The Ward, which was mediocre at best, and the insanely fun Drive Angry 3D, which didn't get the love it deserved. Nic Cage having sex during a gun fight, and Amber Heard walking around in a skimpy shirt and cut-off shorts... how is that not brilliant? this girl is a true classic beauty.

Our Review of Mandy Lane, The Ward, Drive Angry.
Her Horror Hottie Post 1, Post 2.

Amanda Seyfried's BOOBS.

Sure, Red Riding Hood sucked, and In Time was Sci-Fi and pretty much sucked too, but good lord have you seen this girl? Not only is she gorgeous, but she may have the some of best tittahs of all damn time. There's really not much else to say here. I guess we could mention that she's coming out in a Horror Thriller next year called Gone, but really, she's here because of the tittahs. BTW, she shows them in all of their naked glory in the creepy lesbian stalker movie, Chloe. You're welcome.

Our Review of Gone.
Her Horror Hottie Post 1, Post 2.

Quick Review: Final Destination 5 (2011)

Can we just be honest about this franchise? It needs to stop.

Yes, these movies are an excellent source of creative kills, and they always give us copious amounts of blood and gore, but the pain one must endure to get to those good parts is just too much to bear anymore.

Each time we get an Final Destination sequel, it's all the same: a new accident nearly claims the lives of the perfect, gorgeous group of stereotypes, and then it's them running around either clueless that death is right behind them, or racing against time to save each other from dying, and defeat death.

Girls like Emma Bell make it all prettier though.

These flicks remind me of the game Mousetrap. Remember that one? It's this elaborate contraption where you start a marble at one end, and it goes through a series of crazy traps and obstacles that trigger the next one, over and over again until your marble reaches the end. It's neat the first couple of times, but then it becomes annoyingly repetitive, and you get tired of waiting for the whole thing to unfold, just to see your marble end up in a fucking basket.

That's pretty much these movies.

Eye violence is never entertaining.

She did not stick that landing.

Tony Todd.

We give FD5 a middle of the road grade only because while we couldn't stand sitting through it, it does delivers the gory goods that fans have come to expect from the series, and it delivers them very well. If you like creative, graphic and crazy bloody kill scenes, this franchise is for you. If you enjoy not being annoyed, then it is not.

C

At the very least, the Final Destination movies always showcase some hot chicks. That's at least a bonus.

Quick Review: Faces in the Crowd (2011)

Milla, Milla, Milla, why you do me like thees, Milla!

It's bad enough that we have to endure some of the shittiness that is the Resident Evil series (we love those movies, but let's be honest here, they aren't the greatest), but at least they're entertaining. But this movie? This slow, poorly-plotted "Thriller?" You don't even get naked in it, Milla!

The insipid plot involves a woman who witnesses a serial killer's latest murder, and then is struck with some sort of "Facial Blindness" in which people's faces change appearance when she looks away from them... Yeah. Clever, right?

Yeah, us too.

So the whole movie is her looking at people and seeing all sorts of different people, and not knowing who anyone is, all the while the killer is closing in on her.... and all of it felt like one big, silly plot device.

Yay,.

Milla, you're better than this.

We're sorry to have so shit on a genre flick starring our beloved Milla Jovovich, but good God this one was a suck job. The premise could have worked, as goofy as it was, but it felt cheesy, repetitive and just got boring. It's one of those movies where you know who the killer is about halfway through, because it's so clumsily scripted.

Not only is the ever lovely Milla Jovovich in this, but so is The Walking Dead's Sarah Wayne Callies.

Quick Review: Trespass (2011)

Oh Look, another crappy movie starring Nic Cage... and Cam Gigandet, who we just talked about starring in The Roommate. They honestly have a knack for being in some shitty movies, don't they?

At least we can forgive Nic Cage, because he usually does his kinetic, crazy shtick well, and he usually entertains us. Like here for example, where he plays a father frantically trying to keep a bunch of home invaders from offing his family, he's good. Of course the script is so bad, and the movie is so painfully slow and uneventful that by the time we're 20 minutes or so into things, we stopped caring. But he was good.

So was she, actually.

This is a dialogue-filled Thriller in which people talk, one of the crooks punches or threatens someone, then they talk some more; repeat that sequence over and over again until the end, and you've got yourself a movie called Trespass.

You want to see a good Home Invasion/Hostage movie, then go rent The Desperate Hours with Mickey Rourke. That's how a movie like this should be done... wait a minute, it already was.

And why is she not topless too?

After his awesomely schlocky Drive Angry 3D, we have to wonder why Nic Cage went back to a snooze-fest like this as a follow up. And Nicole Kidman is alive? Jesus, where has she been? Then again, we care as much about that as Tom Cruise likely does...

This movie isn't offensively bad, it's just far too boring and clumsy to be any good. See it if you must though.

Why Nic Cage why?

Nicole Kidman and Liana Liberato are in this. That's at least something.

Quick Review: Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2011)

This movie made me want to punch somebody in the face.

It could be just a matter of taste or preference, but I'd rather like to think that it's a matter of it sucked, and I don't like sucky movies. Who knows.

First of all, Brandon Routh kinda sucks. He nearly killed the Superman franchise, and often times seems like he's imitating a piece of wood on screen. He's not Channing Tatum bad, but he's close enough. Second, it just didn't work as a Horror Comedy. All of the flair or emotion the story may have had in the Comic Book Series it's based on, was all but absent in the film version. Mainly because Brandon Routh can't emote.

That's pretty much his range right there.

I don't know, maybe I am personally just too cynical for this movie, which is a shame. I like tongue-in-cheek comedy with my Horror from time to time; as an example, i'll go to my grave thinking Black Sheep is one of the best things that I've ever seen.

Too bad this movie doesn't make me feel the same way.

Riiiiight...

If you want to see a great Horror Comedy, and one that this movie should have been far more like, check out Cemetery Man. That's how you do offbeat, sad and humorous inside the confines of the Horror genre. The story, dialogue, acting and action here just don't work as well. I know some of you will like this flick, but that's really your problem, isn't it?

No, Brandon. Just stop.

Loveliness abounds in this movie.