November 22, 2011

Quick Review: Blood Runs Cold (2011)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1844633/
For a movie made on a $5,000 (U.S.) budget, Blood Runs Cold is a masterpiece. We didn't particularly love it, but for having absolutely nothing to work with budget wise, these filmmakers deserve a pat on the back.

This Swedish film is a slasher, through and through, though it's a clumsy slasher at best. It's at least got some gore and nudity, which are the staples of any good slasher movie. As far as plot, script, acting and everything else goes though... the movie is obviously lacking in most departments.

Keep in mind though, for a budget that was basically non-existent, what they did here is quite an accomplishment. I can't say I'd recommend this one to anybody, but then again, I feel like I should because it deserves a little bit of love based on thriftiness alone.

Just move back a little, dummy!
Also, the killer looks like the guy from the Fritt Vilt series. Just wanted to mention that in hopes of starting a Swede/Nord movie war of some sort.

Don't ask.
The movie is truly one that belongs in the D range, but we have to give it a C for being the best $5000 movie we've ever seen. Nice effort, guys.

More like Blood Runs Warm, am I right?

November 21, 2011

The Walking Dead: a rant against the haters.


*Yes, this is long, and we realize that blocks of text aren't very appealing. It's a rant though, so really, our love for pictures has to wait for now. We will resume our love for visual stimulation right after this...

We don't post about The Walking Dead much. There are 20 other horror sites out there that post about it daily, and most of them tend to post the same news snippets/reviews. No one needs us to do the same. (We make comments on our GetGlue account as we watch though, because that's fun.) You're horror fans. You know it's on, and you watch it if you can. You either like it or you don't. There's not much we need to say on the matter. Usually.

We're finally posting on cable TV's most watched (at one point) show though, because we're hearing a lot of internet talk that says the same thing; The Walking Dead is boring. As a horror fan, the fact that a weekly drama about zombies is on TV is an amazing thing. It's on a cable network which may limit visibility a bit, but it also allows for more freedom and mature content, which a zombie show definitely needs. And let's face it, most things that are worth a shit on TV these days are on basic or pay cable; the Networks have no clue what good programming is anymore. AMC is one of the only networks out there churning out good shows on the reg. Mad Men, Breaking Bad alone are proof of that. They're TV at its finest. Add in Rubicon, The Killing, and Hell on Wheels (so far, let's see how it goes), and you have a pretty good track record for strong narrative, and well made hour-longs. Granted, not everyone likes these shows, but that does not take away the fact that they are well made and full of quality. Quality and preference are not the same thing, but that's a rant for another day.  

The Walking Dead may be the best of the lot. It's not as good as Mad Men or Breaking Bad; let's be honest, those shows are on a level of their own, and don't have much company. TWD though does something that no other TV show has ever done, and that's bringing gory horror into millions of living rooms every week, and making people, average, non horror-geek people, give a shit. It's an amazing thing if you think about it. AMC showed considerable balls ever daring to even think about making an hour-long drama about Zombie Apocalypse, let alone putting it on Sunday Night for families to gather around the TV and enjoy. This is Rated-R stuff here. Sure, there's not much nudity involved but tone, language, and definitely the gore are all adult fare.

As the weeks go on, I see a lot of fellow geeks on other geek sites whining about how slow and boring TWD is, and I don't get it. I mean I get it, but I don't see how it's inspiring so much venom. It can't be zombies all of the time. It's a show about people surviving in the aftermath of Zombie Apocalypse. It has to be about more, and it has to show more than kill zombies, move on, kill zombies, move on.

I'd like you to go back in time to the late 70's/early 80's when zombie-mania was pretty much at it's peak. Most people consider Dawn of the Dead to be the seminal zombie experience. It's hard to argue that, though we're more partial to Day than Dawn around these parts. Anywho, think back on the Romero flicks for a minute... Night was a gritty B&W shocker, that was really the first time American audiences were exposed to what we today know as true horror film making. Dawn upped the ante, nearly doubled in length, and delivered some classic moments. Day took the gore even further, and closed the "trilogy" out in grand fashion. All three of them had plenty of dialogue, slow moments, and stretches of no zombie action. Especially Day. Hell, there were parts of Dawn that were downright goofy and comical. Romero wasn't making action flicks. He was all about the social commentary, and though he never skimped on the zombie killing goodness, his focus was always on the characters and their behavior. He was preaching to us about racism, classism, and the human element itself. His movies were hour and a half to two and a half hour commentaries, and he used character scenes as much as he did the gore to deliver his message. The 3 movies in the original Dead trilogy were 6 hours long combined (give or take, depending on version), and a lot of that running time was bloodless, actionless.  

The Walking Dead has given us 12 episodes so far (2 at 66 minutes, the rest at 45), for somewhere around 600 minutes, which is roughly around 10 hours. A TV show like this is in it for the long play. Movies have a short window in which to dazzle. It stands to reason that TV shows are going to have more exposition and character building, because they have more time. Granted, TWD has some annoying elements. Some characters whine to much, some do some stupid shit. But really, that's par for the horror course, isn't it? How many horror movies or shows do we watch and say "Why are they doing that?!? They need to..." That's usually how it goes. And maybe that's where the tension comes from, annoying or not. As TV goes, aside from Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy this season, what TV shows move their plots ahead at breakneck speeds? The 2 shows I just mentioned are in their later seasons, have already established what they need to, and are closing in on their endings (to different extents), so yeah, they are giving us crazy plot development with each episode. The Walking Dead is basically in its first season. It's true first season was more of a "Let's make it and see what happens" type of thing. AMC green lit 6 ep's, let Darabont go, and the show was a runaway hit. Now, in its second season, it's been given room to breathe. I don't think AMC expected it to be quite what it's become. Now that it has, they want to give it the treatment they think it deserves. Most movies, and TV season, follow the same pattern; First reel, set up; second reel, building tension; and the third and final reel gives us the climax and resolution. Usually. Most good shit always happens in the third reel. Yes there are exceptions, but really, that's the formula most projects stick to. TWD is following the comics that it's based on, and doing a pretty true job of it. It's a character piece with a zombie back drop. Yes, some of it is annoying, and there are some plot elements I wish they'd hurry along, but what would they be hurrying to? The point of it all is survival. The story, is in how they survive, and where they try to do it. It's about what happens to them in the wake of such cataclysm, and how they react to it. The world is turned on its ass, and our group of survivors are trying to find normalcy. You and I know that's a fools errand, but it is what it is. Next week's episode is the last before the hiatus. TWD will be back in February for its third act. In February, the shit will hit the fan. Maybe the people whining about nothing happening in the show will get what they want and shut up, but most likely not. For now, we've got Darryl and Glenn developing into characters we love, and changing pretty rapidly. Darryl is no longer the racist hick that were supposed to hate; he's kind of the bad ass anti-hero of the group, and the one all of us fans seem to love. Glenn isn't just the Asian whipping boy any more, he's becoming the ass-saver and the one people trust. They are examples of some great character development. Shane is definitely someone we hate, and yet his Kubrick-esque turn last night (ep. Secrets) promises that we have some good shit yet to come from him. He's the conflict. He's going to keep people on their toes. Rick... well, we like Rick, but he's a bit of a disillusioned whiner sometimes. He's the go-to, but he needs to start laying the smack down on the assholes of the group, starting with his wife. Lori, Andrea and Dale are the bitches. Secrets, drama, pouting, agitation... they're doing more harm than good, and I guess any story needs characters like them, but good lord I wish they'd die. Then again, someone else annoying would just replace them. Everything else is just kinda window dressing; they're there to motivate and compliment the main characters. They play their parts well. It can't all be zombie panic, because in real life it wouldn't be. We need to see the group dynamic in the quiet hours, because it lets us in on what we have in store for us during the times of action. We need to be able to feel the characters, love or hate, and become invested in them. We need to be tense when someone we like it in danger, and we need to be impatient to see the ones we hate get taken down by zombies, or their fellow group members. This isn't a Michael Bay vehicle, which exists to give tons of action to the simple minded of the world, at expense of everything else including story, plot and character development. You want bang, bang, boom!, go watch Transformers. This show (and comic) wasn't meant for you. If you want a good (yet flawed) horror TV show about zombies, you've already got one. Sit back and enjoy it, and don't nitpick it to death, because no TV show can stand up to that kind of merciless scrutiny. and especially not one bout zombies. The comic was about people. The TV show is the same thing. For all of its flaws, were getting some pretty good stuff here, and like anything else, it's going to have it's peaks and valleys. Then again any journey has peaks and valleys along the way. Not all of them have zombies though. For that, the peaks and valleys must be endured.

November 18, 2011

While we're on the subject of sharks...

There sure seem to be a lot of them (especially lately), and they all seem to suck. Still, you gotta love some of these titles...

tlsswsss

sn2samsa

msamsrs

b3dsvsz

November 17, 2011

DVD Review: Shark Night 3D (2011)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1633356/
Let's just be honest about it; if you want to see a good movie about killer fish wreaking havoc on some unsuspecting swimmers, then you should really stick with the Piranha remake. At least that one was bloody, sleazy, unapologetic goofy fun, and it delivered exactly what it needed to.

Shark Night 3D was a PG-13 bore that was light on gore and flesh, and didn't deliver much of anything fun at all.

You know it's a sad state of affairs when a movie starring Sara Paxton has us checking our watches, because we love that girl, and she usually holds our attention pretty well.
The opening scene showed promise though...
Forget the fact that the plot is ridiculous, which it is; a bunch of rubes dump some sharks into a Louisiana lake and attach cameras to their heads, so that they can sell the footage to Reality Television producers, and become rich. Yeah. As horribly ridiculous as that plot is, we could totally forgive its shortcomings if the movie gave us some good shark violence and some tittahs... but alas, it didn't.

Why are you in that underwater cage, Sara Paxton? There's no air in there!
Katherine McPhee's massive Sweater Sharks are just begging to be unleashed in this one, and Sara Paxton... well she's just a Hottie in any form of dress/undress. My point is, could the producers not have gone the gratuitous route of Piranha and given us some skin?

Not blood, Sara, boobs!
Young Hollywood prudes baffle me. It took Meg Ryan until she was what, like 40 before she finally got naked? By that time, nobody wanted to see her naked. She should have dropped trou in When Harry Met Sally, when she was hot and relevant... although that most likely would have meant seeing Billy Crystal naked too, so, maybe we're glad that she didn't. You get the point though.

You came from American Idol, honey, you should feel fortunate that you're starring in anything... so make with the boobs, or shoot that golf ball out of your hoo-ha, or something!
And the sharks... they were rather elusive for the most part, and what we did see of them was unimpressive. They inspired minimal tension, and how does that even happen in a movie about killer sharks? And how many times to we need to see a shark suddenly leap from the water and take someone out? Are they Bird-Sharks

This movie should have been far more menacing and way bloodier, and it ended up feeling nothing but sanitized. 

"Hey, I'm gonna eat ya'll. Mmm, yummy, mmm."
This movie was a lamer. Slow, uneventful, and short on the goods, this PG-13 poop-knuckle might entertain young kids, but anyone over 13 will most likely be left shaking their heads when all is said and done. 

You want a cool shark movie, go grab a copy of Deep Blue Sea. Say what you will about that movie, but it rocked in all the right ways. Plus. I mean, it's Sam Jackson vs. Killer Sharks... how can that not be a win? 

At least Sara Paxton and the chicks in the movie were fun to stare at...

5 good things about Shark Night 3D...

Since there are so many movies that we poo-poo after enduring (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent from the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things.

So here are 5 things about Shark Night 3D that we liked (or at least didn't totally hate):

1- Sara Paxton.
2- Dat Ass.
3- Wet sluts in bikinis.
4- The hot little tamale behind Sara Paxton.
5- The black guy spearing a shark to death, because he's from the streets and that's "how it's done." Good work, youngblood.

Review: Satan's Little Helper (2004)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0380687/
By the title and cover art alone, we had to know we were in for a crap-fest of epic proportions with this one, but still, we couldn't resist... and we're really glad we didn't. As bad of a movie as this is, it was equally as fun. I can't believe I'm saying it either, but we actually got some sort of pleasure out of this little flick. 

Satan's Little Helper is the story of a kid named Dougie; a video game junkie whom might be mentally handicapped and/or a complete moron. Moron is most likely closer to what he is, but I'm going with 'tarded.  While running running around in his little Satan costume on Halloween, Dougie meets a creepy guy in another Satan costume, and they start to pal around. Big Satan is really a Serial Killer in disguise (literally), but Dougie thinks he's really the Satan from his favorite game, and so becomes his "Little Helper." What does he help with? Random murder of course. It's a cute little movie for kids, no?

Please kill that little fucker. Please!
Let's not leave out the most important plot point of the movie; Dougie has a smoking hot older sister, who seems to be a little bit slutty. She let's Satan feel her up and make out with her, and seems to "want it" and awful lot. We support this. It's all tricks and treats so far, but it's not until Satan decides to kill Dougie's family that the real fun begins... This is a movie that really should have made us cringe, but instead made us laugh and feel a ton of shame because we were actually enjoying it. It's goofy, sure, but it's meant to be. It's fun, fairly amusing, a bit bloody, filled with Katheryn Winnick's hotness, and doesn't take itself too seriously.

Let's use some pictures to illustrate what we loved about this movie:

This little mongoloid.
What Satan does with this cat.
How Satan is such a ham!
Slutty little Katheryn Winnick.
These guys, because WTF?
Yeah, she gets a mention again, because she really made this movie.
As you can see, Katheryn Winnick was a big reason that we liked this movie. Not only is she hot, but she has some rockin' boobs, is hot, and her character is a hot slutty chick with rockin' boobs. She's also a decent actress, which is really ice on the slutty cake. She also knows karate. True story.

Plus, she's Canadian, so she probably likes Hockey, and yes, that is a huge bonus for us.  

Katheryn Winnick: Total Package.
If you're looking for a bit of shameless, goofy Horror fun, you may just like this one. I think the reason we liked it so much, was it washed our palate clean; we see a lot of bloody, brutal, and disturbing movies around these parts, so once in a while it's nice to take in the lighter stuff.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002HXVTDU/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002HXVTDU&linkCode=as2&tag=thehorclu0a-20&linkId=3MXN5GF5VWFJ3OQY

 Also, did we mention the hotness of Katheryn Winnick? Well here we are mentioning it again!