31 Days of Creepy Kids, Day 29: Them (Them/Ils, 2006)

Them

You may remember a little movie from a few year ago called The Strangers; a couple returns to their isolated home after a wedding and are set upon by a trio of masked psychopaths, who want to make them piss themselves. And die.

Well that movie bears a striking resemblance to this much better French film, Ils.

The creepy bus of death.

Ils is also the story of a young couple living in the isolated Romanian countryside, who are set upon by a gang of mask wielding killers, who seem to enjoy making them piss themselves... only the creepers in Ils have two advantages over those in The Strangers; first and foremost they are kids, which makes it infinitely creepier. And second, they have those friggin' noisemaker thingys, which are always creepy, even at parties.

How can you not hear that noisemaker that close?!?

The fact that there are six of them don't help matters either, especially because they really like to "play." By play, the six year old of the group means kill people and maybe rape them once they're dead. Remind me to never visit Romania.

You lost.

Them (Ils) is a great French Horror flick that American audiences need to see. As Creepy Kid movies go, it's got to rank up there based on sheer brutality alone. And again, those damn noisemakers they use... I still hear them in my sleep sometimes...

31 Days of Creepy Kids, Day 28: Lilith (Case 39, 2009)

Lilith

Despite lots of people give this movie some unwarranted shit, it was actually pretty good. We're not the biggest fans of Pruneface (aka Renee Zellweger) here at THC, but she was alright in this.

Let's not forget Lilith either, because that creepy Demon Child is the real reason we're here.

Yep. That's the right idea.

Once again we have a Horror movie showing us that foster kids are evil, and should never be taken in or adopted. In this case, the foster kid is a Demon, so really, no one should want her. No wonder her parents tried to jam her in an oven and cook her to death... they knew!

When Pruneface takes her home, things start to get creepy, culminating in one freaky, intense scene involving a bedroom door. The kid nearly snaps it in half. Creeper.

How can you not want to take her home... and put her in the oven!?!

 

Case 39 is a decent little creepy kid flick, even though Renee Zellweger is in it. It's also interesting to note that cute little Jodelle Ferdland is milking the creepy kid thing for all it's worth; she's in all sorts of Horror flicks playing a creepy kid, and killing it every time. Even when she's not supposed to be creepy...

Good for you kid; you have plenty of time to be not creepy when you get older.

That's it. Kill the little bitch with a knife!

31 Days of Creepy Kids, Day 27: The Eclipse Kids (Bloody Birthday, 1981)

The Eclipse Kids

This is one of the greatest Creepy Kids flick ever as far as we're concerned, and it's mainly because of the premise: three children are born at the height of a total eclipse, and because Saturn (the planet of love?) is blocked by the sun and moon, the babies are born without feelings, which makes them grow up to be cold blooded killers.

Fuck that Police! (That's a song, not necessarily our stance on Law Enforcement.)

Crazy, I know, but damn it all to hell if it isn't interesting too, like the way that Prince of Darkness or Event Horizon used black holes to unleash evil... Anywho, these soulless Saturn kids run around killing at will, because they think it's fun and they feel no remorse whatsoever.

This kid needs either Ritalin, or a 9mm pain pill. Probably both.

There's really not much else to this one. The kids are the draw here, and they do get themselves into all sorts of murderously fun hi-jinks. And for the record, the girl is the creepiest of the three of them. We don't know why. She just is.

Bloody Birthday is cheesy, shameless, early 80's schlocky fun. If Killer Kids intrigue you at all, you have to add this one to your "seen it" list.

Also, it's fun to note that MTV's Julie Brown (NOT the black, British one) is in this, and shows her cans. They aren't bad either.

31 Days of Creepy Kids, Day 26: The Kids of [REC] & [REC] 2

The Kids of [REC] & [REC] 2

If there's been one series of movies that has best utilized the creepiness of possessed/infected/zombie kids in the past 10 years, it's the [REC] series. And no, don't even mention the 15 installments of the Children of the Corn series; aside from the first one, those don't count as real movies.

[REC] 1&2 are the story of a virus that breaks out in a Spanish apartment building, forcing the Government to quarantine (hence the name of the American remake) its residents, basically fating them to die painfully, and become infected demon-zombies. Aside from the evil "Medeiros Woman" in the penthouse, perhaps the most terrifying aspect of the movies, are the infected kids. There's a bunch of them; some traveling in a pack in the attic; some skittering around in the dark like rats; and some channeling the "Demon" controlling them all, and speaking.

*That last picture is from Quarantine, the American remake of [REC]. We include it here because in an indirect way, it's a part of the series.

As you can see, there are all sorts of little creepers running around in the [REC] movies, and really, they are the stuff of nightmares. If you need a fix of creepy kids doing awful, creepy things, then back to back viewing of these flicks will feed your hunger.

If you haven't seen [REC] or [REC] 2, you need to get off of your arse and do so pronto, because you're missing out on two really great movies. You're also missing out on the hotness of Manuela Velasco, and that isn't something to be taken lightly either, my friends.

31 Days of Creepy Kids, Day 25: Alice (Wake Wood, 2010)

Alice

After letting an ill-tempered dog maul their sweet, innocent little girl to death, Littlefinger (and his hot-as-all-milf-hell wife, Eva Birthistle) move to the small town of Wake Wood to forget her. Everything's forgiven if you forget. Think about it. Go kill someone then forget you did it... see? There's no more guilt if you don't remember!

Until the guilt shows up again, all pissed off and wanting answers.

Anywho, the creepy people of Wake Wood have a secret, and for a price, the fat Dad from Harry Potter will bring sweet little Alice back to her shitty, should-have-paid-more-attention parents, for a three day reunion, after which, she gets to be dead again. It's a magic ritual you see. All Old English villages have them.

It's like being birthed out of a dead yak's ass, only slimier.

As you may have already guessed, once brought back, little Alice is different and doesn't want to return to the realm of the dead; she wants to stay amongst the living and make them dead, instead of her. So, she kills every person whom gets in her path, and that includes her parents if they try to stop her! Talk about ungrateful!

The Great Stare-Down of 2011... guess who wins?

Wake Wood was a really fun little movie, which plays like Pet Semetary meets the Wicker Man, meets The Omen. It's definitely a return to form (of sorts) for Hammer Films, and is worth a look. Little Alice is as nefarious and creepy as the hot Eva Birthistle is sexy and boner-inducing. *That means very.

Oh great. She's back.