Horror Hotties: The Girls of Creature (2011)

...and don't come crying to us because we cover up the naked parts with our Master's face; we have younger readers that frequent our site, and we're trying not to contribute to their delinquency. Shady as they may be, we do have morals. Don't laugh.

Also, Lauren Schneider is a genuine fox. 

For the first time this season, we actually loved an episode of True Blood...

Let's be honest here, this season of True Blood was a mostly unsatisfying jumble of too many plot lines and lack of focus. It seems as if our favorite vampire show tends to focus on everything but vampires a lot of the time, which is fine, but some of the sub plots this season ended up being lackluster. and distracting. Here's what was awesome: Alcide is pretty awesome. He was pretty much the best male character on the show this season, and we hope he focuses prominently next season. Jessica turned into little red riding whore and finally got naked! Sure she's eternally 16, undead, and an eternally virginal virgin, but our love knows no taboo! Her story with Jason was pretty interesting, if predictable. Pam stayed awesome by pointing out just how stupid Sookie's name really is. "I'm so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina, and her unbelievably stupid name!" Still not as good as her "Are you fucking retarded?" line from a few ep's ago, but it was classic. We love us some Pam. Shivakamini Somakandarkram is the hotness. If you haven't seen The League on FX, this makes no sense to you. Also, you're missing a really funny show. Bill was much better this year playing King as opposed to his usual whiny, mopey-wuss routine that sees him running around saying "Sookah!" all the time. It looks as though Eric and Bill will be going outlaw together. Also, Eric is a cool as ever. "What a bitch." We LOL'd. Tara had better be dead, or else. Her character was annoying and mostly useless, so please let this be the end for her. PLEASE! (Tara is not in this picture, w just liked this one and wanted to use it, and it's related to Tara anyhow.) What in the hell is Rene' doing back in Bon Temps? Sounds like trouble to us, Chere. And in quite possibly the best True Blood moment ever, Bob from The Unit showed up!!!! We love us some Cool Breeze. Fired up. 27. Here we go. Here's what sucked: Sookie is still a raging whore. Don't mistake us, we love whores, but the show tries to play her indecisive sluttiness off as being somehow romantic, and sweet. Sam, Bill, Eric... Alcide is next, and then we're sure a chick or maybe a male demon or something will come after him. She's like a meat locker. Her character was better this year than it has for the past few seasons, but in all reality, she exists only to whine at and fuck things up for everyone with her poor decision making ability. We love-hate her. The whole Marnie/witchcraft plot line left us cold. It had promise, but really didn't go anywhere very exciting. Maybe that's because hearing someone say "Blessed be" just makes us cringe. The fact that they tainted Lafayette's awesomeness by making him a cheesy medium didn't help either. Most of the "possession" aspects of the coven story was corny and lead to a ton of laughable visuals and overacting. We were expecting more evil and creepy, and what we got instead was basically a bunch of fly by night Wiccans not having a clue what was going on. Tommy's dying sucked. Sure, he was a bit of a tool, but we grew to like him, and he made Sam's storyline fairly interesting. Plus we love pit bulls, and now we won't ever get to see him shift into one again... *pouty face* Fairies. After the first episode which was pretty Fairy-centric, They just kinda disappeared. I know they appeared here and there throughout the season, but it felt like they were there for the sake of being there. Underwhelming. Somehow Hoyt went from being one of our faves, to being a whiny, chick-like annoyance. We get that he's in love and just putting up his defenses, but come on. In summary, this season of True Blood did little for us, and we're gad it's over. There's too much going on with too many secondary characters to let the strength of the show shine through... namely the vampire condition and how it affects the people of the "not so tolerant of them folks what is different" south. It's basically all about racism if you think about it, and the vamps are the black folk of Bon Temps -let's say circa the 40's- before civil rights happened and changed the status quo. That's what makes it all so interesting; we identify with the plight of the characters on both sides of the vampire rights war. It just feels to us like the show is more soap opera and is drifting towards the Twilight crowd with its love triangles, forbidden loves, bitter spurned ex-lovers, unrequited love, and gay dudes walking around with their shirts off. Love is grand, but they need to slow it up a bit. It just feels too forced. We'll see what happens next year, I suppose.

Some ghosts will haunt us forever...

No matter your views, beliefs, affiliations or religion, 10 years ago the canvas of the world was forever changed with the spilling innocent blood. To the families who lost their hearts, to the heroes that selflessly gave their lives to save others, and to the men and women of all nationalities that were murdered without provocation, we honor you and will not forget your sacrifice. You will always be remembered.

Quick Review: Uninhabited (2011)

We absolutely love the poster for this movie. It's misleading as hell, but something about it just grabbed us. Why is it misleading? Well, because there isn't any kind of blood at all in this movie (save for one scene), and the poster kinda makes it look like a Survival Horror flick, or even a slasher...

It's not. It's a ghost story.

Uninhabited is the story of Harry and Beth; a sexy couple who decide to charter a boat to drop them off on an abandoned island near the great barrier reef for 10 days of quiet vacation. Quiet, stranded, deserted vacation. Sounds like a good plan.

Yeah, great plan.

They frolic on the beach, play in the water, play tag in the forest, and make sweet, sweet kisses (not love) in their new island paradise. It's perfect. Or is it? They hear strange noises in the trees at night, find some odd footprints on the beach, and discover that someone videotaped them with their own camera while sleeping...

Still, it takes them days to even begin to feel concerned that they aren't alone on the island, which again, is supposed to be deserted.

At least she was hot enough to rile up a few scares in my pants.

Soon enough they find a hut, and an old diary explaining how a young girl was raped by a bunch of men and left for dead. Of course, the girls ghost is still on the island, looking for some revenge...

Don't get revenge on her, she's too cute to die!

Uninhabited is a gorgeous movie set in a gorgeous location, with decent performances by its actors making the most out of a fairly decent script. Problem is, nothing interesting, compelling or creepy really happens. As pristine as it all looks, there's no dirty underneath to give it any sense of dread whatsoever. As a drama it's a good film, but as anything else even resembling a horror flick, it's awful. When the ghost shows up, which isn't almost until the end, it's nowhere near scary. And the ending itself... Ugh.

Terrifying.

 

As a film, Uninhabited is well made and well put together, save for the fact that it's a ghost story with absolutely no chills whatsoever. If you're interested in watching a relationship drama with the tension level of a Lifetime Channel comedy, you've found the right movie. If you're expecting blood and scares, go elsewhere.

 C-

Geraldine Hakewill and her hotness were the best part of this movie.

Review: A Horrible Way to Die (2011)

"Color us impressed, and very much so..."
Let's get this out of the way before we really get going; last we saw director Adam Wingard in action, he gave us a movie that we thought sucked major dog dick, called Pop Skull. If memory serves, it was a pretentious, artsy mind-trip that grated on our nerves, and made us wish our own skulls would pop so that we could forget what we had just seen. 

That being said... 

A Horrible Way to Die is leaps and bounds better than the aforementioned Wingard flick. We aren't going to get too in-depth on plot details here, because this really is a movie that could be majorly spoiled by saying too much, and that would be a huge disservice to everyone who is going to watch it.

Super QT.

The story revolves around a sullen, recovering alcoholic named Sarah, who looks a bit like she's been ridden hard and put away wet... mainly because she has. There's also a fairly prolific Serial Killer running around who has just escaped from prison to resume his bloody, evil ways. As the fibers of the story spin and weave themselves together, a creepy -and yes, even sad- tapestry begins to take shape, and it looks as if the already dreary and tense atmosphere of the whole thing is about to become even more so. 

It gets pretty bloody and intense. That's all we're saying as far as specifics go.

No, no, no, no, no!

AHWTD is a bleak, atmospheric, and an almost disjointed movie... hell, it's purposefully disjointed in many places, using flashbacks and sleight of hand to get us where were going as an audience, which leads to a crazy good and refreshingly different sort of resolution. It's a Serial Killer movie. Better yet, it's an escaped-Serial-Killer-on-a-mission movie. And the mission? Well, it's one of blood and regret, and twisted vengeance.

AJ Bowen steals the show here playing a humanized monster who can't control his need to kill, but still manages to feel bad about it on some deeper level. Sure, it's a familiar story as Serial Killer go, but the way Bowen goes about his character made it feel fresh for us. Amy Seimetz nailed her part too, playing the downtrodden victim perfectly.

"Ssh. Crying will only make it hurt more."

Most of the movie is visually captivating, with its use of shadow and light making some of its shots near-perfect to behold.

There was one little visual aspect in this one that made us want to punch the screen though, and that's the use (and overuse) of the dreaded "Shaky Cam." Throughout the movie there were scenes and moments that seemed as if the camera man was in the beginning stages of a Grand Mal Seizure, and honestly, it annoyed the hell out of us. Luckily, the rest of the movie worked so well that it didn't piss us off nearly as much as it could have. There are plot holes to found within the narrative here too, though they were small and hardly distracting enough to be a true detriment to the movie. Then again, we're here to be creeped out and see some cool kills, so logic can take a back seat for minute or two on occasion, right?

"I told you talking would make it hurt more!"

What really got us though, and what made the movie so damned great in the end, was the actual ending itself. The way that Wingard brought everything together gave us solid justification for everything that had come before, and we were absolutely impressed with the results. It was soooooo nice to see a great ending in a Horror flick for a change, because as Horror fans we know all too well that far too many endings these days suck, and sometimes even ruin an otherwise good movie. That's not the case here.

Seriosuly, she's a super QT.

Bloody, engrossing, clever and satisfying, A Horrible Way to Die is one of the better Horror movies that we've seen this year. With about 10 minutes left in the movie we were thinking we had just watched a C+ movie, which couldn't score any higher because of some plot holes and the whole "seizure cam" thing, but the ending completely changed our minds.

This is one rewarding Horror experience that everyone should endure. Not if you're prone to seizures though. Because this movie may possibly give you one. No joke.

B+

A Horrible Way to Die is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

There are a bunch of Hotties in this movie, but most of them spend their screen time dying as opposed to doing sexy things. At least they made dying look good.