The Best of 2011, so far...

Yes, we know it's too early for lists, but this one is short and informal. 2011 has reached its halfway point, and we as horror fans have much to be thankful for. We aren't totally sure which genre flicks are the best of the year yet (there are plenty of other goodies that we've seen), but so far, we have a few that stand out in our minds when we think "best of." So click the pics below to check out our reviews of these cool flicks, and give them a chance to win your hearts over too. And don't yell at us for excluding your favorites. This is only a quick sampling, not any sort of definitive list.

The Worst of 2011, so far...

The following movies are the creative paper cuts that irk us, the celluloid splinters that we can't seem to dig out of our thumbs, the cinematic knives in our collective backs. 2011 has given us some plain old bad movies. A movie can be bad for many reasons, and the ones we've listed below all have their own, but bad is bad and these are the genre flicks that rubbed us the wrong way and made us rage. They all went awry in one way or another (or in the case of some, many ways.) Click the pics for our reviews, where we make with the gory details... all except for Dylan Dog. We didn't review Dylan Dog, mainly because it was so bland and boring that we had no motivation to type a word about it. It also gets hard to keep writing reviews for bad movie after bad movie, in a genre that seems so full of them. We even started doing "5 things we liked about..." posts to go along with the bad movies, just to be fair. See how benevolent we are? So, no Dylan Dog: Dead of Night review. Just trust us, we promise it wasn't very good.

Quick Review: Bloodlust Zombies (2011)

The only thing worse than sitting through this movie is sitting through this movie and then having to talk about it.

As a Horror movie, it's a wreck. As a movie of any kind, it's a wreck. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that it was supposed to be funny as well, but if it was, they missed the mark in that aspect too.

The only reason we gave it a chance was because it stars Pornstar supreme, Alexis Texas; seeing her on the cover, all bloody with an axe, made us think that this could just manage to be a pretty good time with some bonus T&A thrown in for good measure...

I know, Alexis. that makes us sound horrible.

Well, there was some T&A to be had here, but even it couldn't save this shoddy mess of a flick... and in all honesty, what nudity there was wasn't all that great.

Stick to porn hun, or at least get yourself in some better mainstream flicks.

Truth be told, this movie felt like the average Porno flick, sans sex. The story, acting, script, and execution of it all was just porn-like, and that's saying something. In Porn flicks, the cheesy stuff is there to give the sex scenes a "story." Here, it is the story, and it standing alone it just hurts. The acting is horrendous. The plot, while vaguely interesting, is executed poorly. The funny bits were not funny.

We still love you though!

We're always down for a cheesy, low budget slasher flick, or a nonsensical-yet-fun Zombie flick, but this one was just slow, tedious, and when it did finally get to the "good" parts, it fell flat on its face. You want to make it cheap and easy, fine. If you do though, at least make it as good as you possibly can.

Alexis Texas is a Hottie, of that there can be no doubt.

5 good things about Bloodlust Zombies...

Since there are so many movies that we poo-poo after enduring (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent from the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things.

So here are 5 things about Bloodlust Zombies that we liked (or at least didn't totally hate): Alexis Texas in bloody lingerie, the cats, the free-flowing blood and gore, dat ass, the poster image.

Review: The Anniversary at Shallow Creek (2011)

"Shallow is an apt word to describe this slasher flick..."

The movie opens with some retarded twit dancing around in her underwear, which pisses me off because how am I supposed to get a non-blurry shot of her ass if she keeps moving?

You may think it's easy to get good screenshots to write film reviews, but I'm here to tell you that it is not!

Anywho... When her gimpy boyfriend shows up and tries to get in her pants, she says "we've got all night!" a few times, and shines him on. Turns out they don't have all night, because he takes one in the head and she mercifully gets stabbed to death. Mercifully for us, I mean.

And yes, I'm really bitter about the whole blurry ass-shot thing.

Hold still, dummy!

For the next 40 minutes, we're treated to a bunch of inane characters spouting inane dialogue while doing inane things. The plot doesn't matter, it only serves to get a group of morons to a secluded cabin in the middle of BFE (per usual) so that they can be picked off one by one. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, and in this movie it isn't totally awful...

The problem is that so much nothing happens before something actually happens, that when something does finally happen, we're left wishing something else would have happened. I hope you followed all of that. I got lost after the 3rd "happen" myself.

Nah, don't get naked.... this is effing Shakespeare we're doing here, right?

Shallow Creek definitely follows the Slasher movie blueprint, but it varies a bit, mainly in the fact that the killer uses a sniper rifle for many of his kills. To us, that was both odd and interesting; many of the movie's best kills were via gun, but it made the whole thing feel less creepy. Kinda. At least the whole gun thing made for a few bloody good moments.

You've got the right idea babe, but that blood totally kills the mood.

There's no way you don't figure out what's going on in this movie before too long either. There's a twist or two that occur that are kinda obvious, although when they happen they aren't played in an overtly dramatic fashion,as most twists tend to be. They just happen, so I'll give some props for that.

I also have to give the movie this; the way the killer creeped around was kinda cool. Some of the parts in the house were creepy, and there were very few jump scares. So, kudos for all of that.

Ooh creepy. Now kill her, she's annoying.

This is another one of those movies where you really could care less about the characters or what happens to them, and maybe that's because the acting wasn't so great (it wasn't so horrible either.) Maybe the story wasn't so great either. Or the dialogue. Alright, so not much about the movie was great. The worst part of all? The ending. Endings, actually.

Yeah, it's not even close to over yet.

As if the shaky, 20 minute shot of our final girl running down a dirt road wasn't ending enough, there's a sequence after that which felt really cheesy. Without spoiling anything, it came down to a lot of "explain-y" dialogue and an equal amount of over-acting. It really killed any tension that the movie had managed to build up to that point, which wasn't a ton to begin with. The last shot of the movie was the worst of all. I get what they were going for, but it felt more kitschy than foreboding.

For a minute there, we thought this horse was eying up that chick for some crazy horse-rape... but neigh.

You could see that the filmmakers put a lot of heart into this movie, but it's all rather flat, despite their best efforts. There's some tension to be had in places, some interesting ideas too, but with so little gore, failing to utilize the hot chicks for some gratuitous boob-age, and so many Slasher cliche's abound, there's not much here to love, or recommend. If you aren't too picky, you may have fun with it. We are very picky, so, no fun for us.

D

Not only is she a cutie-puss, but Brianna Lee Johnson also produce movies. Who knew? Also, Anne Burgstede.

Let's Play a game, shall we? It's called "Which one is worse?"

This is going to be fun. Were going to play a game of "Which One is Worse." By worse, we mean which one makes you rage the most, as an astute Horror fan. Ready? Okay, let's start!

#1- It's been confirmed that not only will a Campbell-less Evil Dead remake be hitting theaters sometime in 2012, but it's being scripted by... Diablo Cody Devil Coby. There's so many things wrong with that previous sentence that I hardly know where to start How about nobody can play Ash, unless his name is Bruce Campbell? That's the big one I think. Of course the mere fact that the movie is being remade is painful enough in its own right. And without Raimi directing? Blasphemy, every last word of it.

I imagine it might look a lot like this...

The piece de resistance though, is that Devil Coby is re-writing the script? Go fuck yourself, Hollywood. Juno was an overrated and contrived mess and Jennifer's Body was absolutely painful. There's also a reason her show was cancelled by Showtime too... it sucked, and people didn't care to watch it. The thought of Evil Dead in Coby's hands, rife with pretentious, pseudo-hip modern day valley girl dialogue is THE LAST thing we need. Maybe Ash can go get a manni- pedi and buff his situation... I'm sure in Coby's Horror world, he will.
  #2- This one may be less infuriating, but I don't know. Not only is it another in a long line of shitty (and I mean shitty) sequels to one of the best werewolf movies of all time, The Howling, but it's being "reborn" to fit the mold of Twilight. Woo! Here's the trailer for The Howling Reborn.


Once again Hollywood panders to the lowest common denominator of fandom, and shits on one of its benchmarks. Kids deserve to have their sweet, fluffy little spooky movies too, but don't call it The Howling. Maybe call it Furry Angst, or OMG, I Love You but You're Like, a Werewolf! I'm sure at some point during the movie, there will be a shirtless scene involving teen boys. Aren't you lucky, girls? You too, gay guys. At least someone might get something out of this. So, which one makes you seethe the most? Our answer? Yes.