Review: Hidden 3D (2011)

"This movie needs to take a cue from its title and be hidden away from moviegoers eyes..."

Once Argento film vet Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni and her writing partner walked off of this movie due to "creative differences" with the producers, the whole thing should have been scrapped. We may never know what the movie would have been in its original, intended form, but we absolutely know what it is now, in its current form...

A ridiculous mess.

As if the unoriginal storyline wasn't bad enough (A guy inherits creepy mansion where something "just isn't right"), this English-language Italian Horror flick makes so little sense, and has so little tension packed into it, that we think maybe it's meant to be a crazy Italian Comedy.

She was captivating though.

Let's break down the plot and count the ways in which this movie confounded us:

Some guy's Mom was a crazy doctor doing experiments which had something to do with addiction, and somehow spawned angry bees and kids with no eyes, which is never really explained at all. When she dies, he inherits a Hospital and heads there with a group of friends. We have no idea why. They just go there because "It'll be good for you."

When they arrive, they find a "team" that one of the guys brings with them to the mansion, that consists of one crotchety old man in a van, who serves absolutely no purpose in the movie at all. We never get a hint why he's there, or how one person could be called a team.

What?

The group of friends begins to look around and chase bees, while "The Team" grouses around and wanders off into some lonely part of the Hospital. Upon finding a secret staircase behind a hidden door in a mysterious room, one of the characters exclaims "The stairs keep going down, it's crazy!" Yeah. It's insane to imagine stairs going up or down, because that's not the defining characteristic of stairs at all.

I'm not sure why the 3D moniker even applies here; other than the angry bees, there's not much 3D going on in the movie. And on that note, what's with the angry bees? I mean, would you follow a giant insect or a swarm of bees into a creepy old building, down into its sub-levels, all because "I'm real curious about those bees?" No. You wouldn't. Neither would anyone else with half a brain. Hell, 1/8th of a brain.

Ghost kids appear and disappear, only to reappear again before disappearing. Maybe they're the beekeepers?

That's a shitty-looking CGI bee.

In one riveting scene, a guy, upon seeing his girlfriend dragged off by whatever drags her off, just kinda stands there like "Oh man, that sucks." In all fairness to him though, he could have been on a large dosage of Xanax for all we know, and maybe he was just feeling all mellow and serene.

For the rest of the movie we're treated to jump-scares and quick-cuts galore, which means nothing is even remotely scary, and we see next to nothing "good" happen on screen. Oh wait, we do get to see one guy kick some iron bars to try and get to his trapped girlfriend, actually thinking "Hey, I can kick through these iron bars!" Wow.

Not even the hot chicks could save this clunker...

This movie is a confused and as forgettable as they come. The script is shamefully bad, the acting isn't much better, and aside from running for 80 minutes or so, the movie does nothing at all. Whoever dropped the ball on this one should feel genuine shame for tinkering around with movie that may have worked otherwise. Maybe.

At least the movie gave us some beautiful women to stare at for a while. That's something.

Quick Review: Priest (2011)

Last year, Paul Bettany starred in another genre flick called Legion. Much like Priest, Legion was delayed and sat on the shelf for quite some time before the studio finally decided to dump it in Theaters. Usually, when movies sit or keep finding their release dates pushed and pushed, it's a bad sign.

Most who saw Legion were not happy with the end result. Priest hasn't fared much better. We liked Legion a lot more than we liked Priest. Did we mention that both movies were directed by the same guy? Hmm...

Priest is the story of... well, Priests. These Priests though are mankind's protectors against Vampires that roam the barren landscape of the world, and are the only ones that can kill the foul creatures. when they eventually rid the world of the Vampires (or so they think), the Church pretty much shuns them, and turns them into homeless losers. Of course, the Vampires reappear, and the only ones that can stop the impending doom of the undead is Paul Bettany...

Paul Bettany rules.

Legion wasn't a great movie by any means, but we found it to be a fun popcorn movie; for some reason, we were able to ignore its flaws and just enjoy the gun play and melodramatic one liners that the angels threw around so callously. Priest, though full of the same kind of popcorn-movie mindlessness, just didn't do much for us. The concept of what the priest's were was kinda neat, but the wire-fu jumps and unearthly karate/throwing star usage was a little lame.  

Bettany was enjoyable, but kinda just hit one note throughout, and oddly enough it was the same note that he hit in Legion. Karl Urban, who is definitely someone we usually love, had a crap character to work with, and we weren't buying the old west gunslinger thing he had going on.

Don't even get us started on Cam Gigandet.

It had some good action though.

It was alright as a mindless action flick, but it's just nothing we'd recommend or see again. The CGI Vampires were meh, the 3D conversion was fairly pointless, and though some of the action was fun (some, we say), most everything else about the movie was fairly underwhelming. It probably won't upset you to sit through this one, some of you may even have a good time with it, just don't be surprised if you end up feeling blah about the whole thing.

C-

Maggie Q, Madchen Amick, and Lily Collins are in this.

Review: Stake Land (2011)

"A Post-Apocalyptic, westernized version of The Road that involves vampires? Go on, we're listening..."
Cast Members of Note- Danielle Harris, Kelly McGillis, Connor Paolo, And Nick Damici as Mister!

In a Post-Apocalyptic world overrun with Zombies Vampires, Woody Harrelson a guy known only as Mister leads a rag tag group of survivors South to escape the plague North to find a safe haven from the Vampire onslaught. To get there, Viggo Mortensen and his son Mister and some kid he met along the way must travel along The Road a bunch of roads, which run straight through hostile lands full of marauding cannibal gangs hungry Vampires...

Confused as to what movie he's actually in, Connor Paolo stakes a Key Grip, thinking he's a plague-stricken Zombie. For the record, the body was never found.

As you can see, even we got confused as to what movie we were watching. All kidding aside though, this movie is pretty much Zombieland+The Road, but with Vampires instead of Zombies or a killer virus. No Woody Harrelson either. I know, that's kinda sad to us too.

There was some interpretive vampire dancing though.

It's nice to see a movie like this come along and breathe some much-needed life into the as-of-late stale Vampire sub-genre. Every other Horror movie (we exaggerate, I know) these days seems to involve Vampires or Werewolves moping around while shirtless, brooding and looking androgynous, all to appease an audience filled with clueless tweens and delusional old chicks; most of whom seem so emotionally starved for "romance" that they'll accept the silly version of love that these silly movies offer as realistic.

Stake Land, on the other hand, is an actual Vampire movie that is about actually Vampires; you know, savage bloodsuckers out to drain the lifeblood from any humans foolish (or unlucky) enough to cross their path, because that's why they exist?  No glitter. No pouty posing. No sissy shirtless preening. No ridiculous and dysfunctional love story. Just blood. Lots and lots of blood. It shows what might be a more realistic version of a world-gone-Vamp, and it ain't pretty.

Why aren't you sparkling!

It's worth noting, and will undoubtedly be on a ton of people's minds after seeing this one, that Stake Land bears a more-than-striking resemblance to 2009's The Road. It really does bear some similarity, but it's not in a rip-off, or even an homage type of way; it's just... similar in some ways. How can it not be? Post-Apocalyptic movies can only be so different from each other, you know? In any event, rip-off or not, it's a good story that's done well and entertains, so who cares. I mean honestly, what Horror flick out there can't be compared to a number of other movies at any given time?

You can tell that the movie was inexpensive to make, but it never feels cheap. You can see story elements present that you've seen before, but they really do take on a life of their own. And the Vampires? They're pretty awesome. Minimal CGI is used on the creatures and their bloodletting, and the end results are impressive. Above all else, Stake Land is a character-driven movie, though it does contain all sorts of violent and gory set pieces. Nick Damici was pretty cool as Mister, and it's nice to see consummate Horror Hottie Danielle Harris get a meaty role for a change.

"My neck!"

I've got to hand it to Nick Damici and Jim Mickle; they created a pretty engaging world for Horror fans to get lost in for 90 minutes or so, and managed to give us one of the most engaging Vampire flicks in recent memory. How about a sequel, boys?

Excuse me Mister, but where do you think you're going? No really, where are you going?!?

Oh, you're going to Canada. Never mind then.

***Spoilers*** Why in the ever-loving name of Jeebus would you leave a pregnant chick alone, at night, while you run off into the forest-y darkness to chase a Vampire? Her death is on your hands, you dumb bastards!

The blood flow is liberal here, as you'd expect from any decent Vampire flick. We get plenty of staking, biting, slicing, splattering, dripping... and even some shooting. Good stuff.

This being the splattering to which we were just referring.

No skin in this one, sorry.

Pregnant chicks slow you down. Also, movie bad-asses of late seem to like to wander off alone way too much.

Also, Vampires are filthy creatures.

Stake Land was a welcomed surprise and an interesting melding of two sub-genres, giving us a Post-Apocalyptic world full of bloodsuckers instead of the usual Zombies or Infected. It's nice to see a good old-fashioned Vampire flick for a change. Bloody, action-packed, and seldom boring, this is one that you need to see when you get the chance. It's been out in Limited Release and on VOD since April, so what are you waiting for?

A

Stake Land is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD. It's also currently streaming on Netflix.

They are in this, and it is good.

Review: The Ward (2011)

"Whomever wrote the blurb on that poster is a dickhead, and a liar."

John Carpenter is not back.  

The Ward doesn't look like Carpenter, feel like Carpenter, and it most certainly doesn't play like a Carpenter flick. At all. Worse still, it commits the cardinal sin of all cardinal sins... but more on that later.

And really quick, in reference to the blurb on the poster "John Carpenter proves he is still the master of shock." Carpenter was never a master of shock; nuance, atmosphere, dread... but not shock. Even if he was, this movie is neither shocking, nor is it a throwback to his supposed shock-filled heyday. So again, some jerk-nut gets a poster blurb without even remotely knowing what he's talking about. Dick. Liar. End rant.  

Her beauty is shocking though.

The Ward is the story of Kristen (Amber Heard); a mentally unstable Hottie who is institutionalized after setting fire to a farmhouse. She's locked up in "The Ward" with a small group of other Hotties, all of whom are bat-shit crazy, and yet remain totally tap-able. Some, double tap-able.

It isn't long before "odd" things begin to happen around the ward, and Kristen begins to see ghostly visages of a monstrous looking chick skulking around, stealing her blankets, and playing what looks to be hide and seek with her and her ward-mates. Speaking of her ward-mates, they start disappearing one by one, and a terrible secret lies at the heart of it all... Ooh, scary!  

Actually, it is kinda scary.

The Ward is a mildly-promising movie that never delivers what it could have, or perhaps should have. Amber Heard is as engaging as always, but not even her Horror Hottie elegance can save this movie from the abyss of the bland. We also have a thing for Danielle Panabaker here at THC, feeling that she is too cute to be so underrated and underused in Hollywood.

Jared Harris is also great in this. Then again, we love him in AMC's Mad Men, so we're biased.

There isn't much along the lines of tension in this movie, nor are there many true scares to be had, although the ghost of Alice is pretty creepy to behold when she makes her appearances. It's fairly obvious early on what's really going on with the plot, and so much of the movie was spent with us just kinda waiting for it to finish.

Gotta give it up, that's pretty neat looking.

***HUGE SPOILERS ARE COMING RIGHT NOW***  ...so read this paragraph at your own risk! Remember that Cardinal Sin I mentioned earlier? The one that we here at THC consider to be the most Cardinal of Cardinal Sins? Well, here it is: It's all in her fucking head. Truth be told, The Ward is very much like Identity (the 2003 John Cusack Thriller.) It's near impossible for us to get behind a movie that negates it's entire content with a final twist like this, which is why we weren't huge fans of Inception, Shutter Island, or Identity.... if it's all in their head, or if it's all been a dream, we've been cheated, and fuck that. High Tension is about the only movie like this to make us not hate it despite its "never happened" ending, but that's because it did happen, just differently than we saw it unfold. So yeah. There's that. **HUGE SPOILERS ARE OVER NOW**

Sorry Amber, but you are under arrest for pissing us off!

The faults of this movie are hardly Carpenter's, as his direction was decent, nor are any of the cast to blame; they make the most out of the material given them. Truth be told, it's the script that's shit, so it's all the Rassmussen Brothers' fault. Really guys, don't write a movie immediately after watching a John Cusack flick again, alright? Good.  

John Carpenter is still a hero to Horror fans everywhere, and an all time great in the genre. Nothing will ever change that. We can only hope and pray that he returns to form someday and gives us another lovable classic like those of yesteryear. (For the record, we loved Ghosts of Mars, so suck it, haters.)

It's over, Amber. Just let it go.

The Ward isn't a great film by any means, and it certainly doesn't feel like much of a Carpenter film, but there are a few good ideas present that make it mildly entertaining. Aside from the infuriatingly lame twist ending, I can't help but think that this movie wont do much for Horror fans, since it's not very engaging on a horrific level. This being only the 2nd feature length film that John Carpenter's made since 1998's Vampires, it's disheartening that it's so lackluster.  

The Ward hits VOD on June 8th, and a limited theatrical run on July 8th.

 C- 

Now here's a little bit of Danielle Panabaker and friends for that ass...