Quick Review: From Hell (2001)

We can't really have a month spotlighting Serial Killers without at least one movie tackling the most infamous of them all; Jack the Ripper.

Directed by filmmakers extraordinaire The Hughes Brothers, and starring Johnny Depp, Heather Graham and Ian Holm, From Hell is one hell of a great movie.

It's 1888 in London's Whitechapel District, and ole' Jack is out and about killing hookers, because that's his thing. He kills them ruddy 'ores all messy like, and mutilates them post mortem, which makes it all the more creepy. Really, he's doing god's work, or must think he is at any rate. After all, there's a certain amount of ego that goes along with being a prolific Serial Killer.

Saucy Jack.

All is going well with Jack's urban cleansing project when along comes psychic police inspector Johnny Depp, who sees a deeper pattern in the murders that screams high-level conspiracy. To complicate things further, he falls in love with a smoking hot bangtail named Mary Kelly (played by a smoking hot bangtail named Heather Graham), which makes things all the more sweet for we, the audience. Really, the movie could have been 90 minutes of her running around naked and talking in a cockney accent, and it would have been perfect.

Good lord...

The interesting thing about From Hell, is the way it twists the Ripper's legend a bit; his eyes go black when he kills, he's got a definite connection to the Freemasons (who were mysterious and creepy in their own right), and he utters one of the best fictional line I've ever heard with "One day, men will look back and say that I gave birth to the 20th Century." God that's a great line. It's so great, I wish it had been a real quote of Jack the Ripper, but his quotes and letters tended to be misspelled and a bit low brow.

Depp is deep.

The Hughes Brothers are great directors. From Menace II Society to the gone-way-too-soon TV show Touching Evil, they always manage to make their projects compelling and dark, and visually pleasing. Johnny Depp... well, he's just Johnny Depp. He could read the phone book for 90 minutes and make it interesting. Heather Graham is not only a good actress, but she's hot as sin and has one of the top 5 racks in Hollywood history. She's Rollergirl for the love of Pete, so how can we not love her to pieces? Ian Holm, Bilbo Baggins himself, if quite the accomplished actor as well, and he keeps pace with Depp throughout this one, and makes a sinister villain indeed. If you like serial killer flicks, Heather Graham's boobs, Great Britain at the turn of the 20th century, or just have an unnatural curiosity/obsession about Saucy Jack himself, then you will dig this movie. It's stylish, creepy enough, and has some great actors giving great performances.

Always knew he was a stoner.

All in all, this is a fun and engaging (if not a completely historically accurate) telling of the Ripper's tale, and it deserves its place in the serial killer pantheon of celluloid greats.

A

Heather Graham is an all-time volcanic eruption of sexiness. It's a shame that she doesn't star in more Horror flicks... A true Bangtail indeed.

Review: Trollhunter (2011)

"Oh, hell yeah!"

Sub-Genre- Hand Held/Found Footage/Creature  
Cast Members of Note- Otto Jesperen... is the Trolljegeren!  

Essentially this is Norway's answer to The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield, except that there's not a witch involved, and it's not a lame rip off of Godzilla. This movie is about trolls; not the kind that wreak havoc on Internet message boards, but the kind that live under bridges, turn to stone in the daylight, rape goats, and eat sheep. People too. Maybe it's just a Norwegian thing...

So this movie is based off of a musical? Who knew?

Long story short, a film crew full of slacker dip-shits hook up with, and follow around, Norway's answer to Chuck Norris. Blasphemy you say? No one is as bad-ass as the greatest white karate man of all time? Well, his name is Hans, and until Chuck Norris fights a 100 metres tall troll with a flashlight, he wins the title of king bad-ass. (Chuck Norris, if you're reading this, ignore what I just said. It's all propaganda for the sake of a movie review. You will always be the king. Sir. )

Fights a 100 metre tall trolls with a flashlight... think about that.

There are a bunch of different types of trolls in Norway you see; some have three heads; some are as big as mountains; some look like Gerard Depardieu... and due to something or other about power lines, they have been misbehaving of late. Hans, being the Trolljegeren (more like troll murderer actually), knows the types of trolls, their traits, and their weaknesses... and most importantly, how to kill them. Gloriously.

See that tiny little thing on the ground in front of the troll? That's a hummer-like vehicle with Hans and his rooftop flashlight cannon...

That's basically the plot; Hans and his film crew buddies track a bunch of naughty trolls through the forests and mountains of Norway and kill them. Add in a Government conspiracy to keep all talk of trolls on the DL, and it makes for some interesting moments. I won't spoil what happens towards the end here, but suffice it to say that Trolljegeren-ing is dangerous work. Also, it smells pretty bad too. It's all about rubbing troll-fat butter on your crotch and armpits... I'm just sayin'.

Gerard Depardieu is in this.

This movie was so much fun that I'm still smiling thinking about it. Aside from an ending that left us a bit wanting, we cant remember the last time we sat through such a fun, well made, and fresh Horror flick. Maybe Trick r' Treat? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Raglefant. Tussealadd. Rimtusse. Dovregubben. Harding. The massive Jotner. There are all kinds of trolls, and they are spread all over Norway; in the forests, in the mountains, under bridges. They kinda look like big, smelly, hungry puppets with phallic noses, almost cartoonish. Make no mistake though, they are intimidating and they want to eat you. They feel like something out of a fairytale, but are presented to the audience as a natural predator in such a realistic way, that I'm not entirely sure that Norway doesn't really have trolls. Alright, I know they don't, but it all sure felt real.

As far as the Found Footage genre goes, this movie is aces. It feels real. Nothing feels forced here like in so many other FF movies. Especially with Hans; he's just a gruff old timer who has a job to do. He hunts trolls. Not one thing about it scares him either, like he's hunting deer, or duck or something. He's a bad-ass because he's really just someone like your Dad or Grandfather, only he kills monsters.

The movie also does a good job of not only keeping you on the edge of your seat, but in letting us know just how huge, imposing and dangerous these creatures really are. It's almost like watching a documentary on the National Geographic Channel. They did a great job conveying the realism on this one.

Hans and his RPG flashlight... the dude is fighting a walking mountain!

Where are you going, Hans? You're in the middle of fucking Norway, which is all ice and snow mind you, so maybe wandering off into the desolate tundra isn't the best idea... at least tell us why! He always was a lone wolf.

The Norwegian Chuck Norris.

The ending. Sure, as a Found Footage flick you have to expect that at some point the footage has to just end, and abruptly, but what happened? Were they shot? Did the one guy hitch a ride? Did Hans ever finish his hike? Are the trolls doing well? I need answers. Sequel please.

What happened?!?

Troll piss, troll poop, troll slime (I don't want to know where it came form), sheep abuse, trolls explode, people are rent limb from limb... it's not really a violent movie overall, but the gross stuff is there.

Nope. Well, do the trolls count as far as a nudity quotient goes? If so, then there's all kinds of skin on display in this one.

People in Norway are tough enough to fight trolls. Also, trolls have penis noses.

And they smell. Bad.

This movie needs to be seen by all genre fans, and as soon as possible. It is not perfect, so don't let a great grade make you think that it is. What Trolljegeren is though, is a hell of an entertaining movie that does the Found Footage genre right, and puts Cloverfield and its ilk to shame. I can't imagine how someone could not have fun with this movie.

See it or suck.

A+

 Trolls, trolls everyewhere!

Quick Review: F (2011)

***There are ENDING SPOILERS within, so read at your own risk***

To put it plainly, I really think the brain trust behind F saw Them (Ils), and decided to rip it off a little. I mean it's a bunch of mysterious, hooded kids (Hoodies) creeping around a near-empty building, scaring people and killing them, all like it's some sort of game. Just like Ils.

Too bad F is nowhere near the movie that Ils is.

F is the story of Robert; a teacher at a British College (High School?) whom is attacked by a student and becomes a sheepish coward as a result. It doesn't help hat the School Board tells him just to roll with it and not to hand out any more F grades, because that doesn't encourage kids. Yeah.

He basically falls apart and becomes a ball of nerves, which I'm guessing cost him his marriage (they never say), and is about to cost him his job.

"Shoulda given me an A, Bruv!"

One night after school, a bunch of Hoodies show up and begin terrorizing everyone still inside of the building. Okay, could get interesting. A revenge flick in the making... but no. For most of the 1 hour, 15 minute running time, we don't get any kind of revenge at all. What do we get, you ask? Well, we get a bunch of unlikable characters doing horribly stupid things, and basically standing around while they get bumped off. Literally.

There really isn't one likable character in this movie. David Schofield's Robert is almost sympathetic, but he's such a sniveling coward that he never really had me pulling for him. His daughter Kate is a snotty brat who pretty much deserved the smack he gave her about halfway through the movie. The other Teachers and School staff? Save for the librarian, whom was actually likable (so there was one), they are all either inept, bitchy, or just plain stupid. No one really reacts to anything.

Much like this.

And the Hoodies/Chavs? They are apparently ninjas. They jump. leap, climb, barrel roll, and I think fly around the school, absolutely silently, and have the ability to show up wherever they wish, like ghosts. Maybe they're more like cats, because they really do pounce around like felines, and land silently on their feet, and have 9 lives. Ninja Ghost Cats.... that's perfect! You don't really know why they are doing what they're doing, save for seeing a few clippings about how "British kids are murderous animals out of control."

And are you telling me that not one person could stand up to these kids to any effect? Are you kidding me? Even the Cops are useless when they show up. One gets pushed down some stairs, and the other stands there and watches a hooded figure run at them from the other end of the hallway, and does nothing but get his ass handed to him. It's a joke.
 
While enduring all of this, I kept thinking to myself, "Robert's gonna snap, and kill every one of these little bastards for threatening his baby girl!" But no. Not even close.

Spider-Chav?

Later in the film, when father and daughter are reunited, they just stand there and hug with their eyes closed for a prolonged period of time, despite the fact that there are murderous kids lurking about that clearly want everyone dead. Because that makes any sense whatsoever.

With 7 minutes left in the movie... 7 frigging minutes... Robert starts fighting back against the TEENAGERS. One of them at least. So what happens? Robert leaves his wife in the building to die and drives off with his daughter. Despite his valid reasoning, it was just lame.

There was basically no ending, as far as wrapping up the story goes. There was no redemption for the Dad, and there was really no rhyme or reason to anything else...

Was there anything good about it? Yeah. It looked good. The chicks were pretty hot. The gore was pretty cool, even though it mostly happened off-screen, and we only got to see the end results.

Here's at least one good thing about the movie...

...and another.

That's it. F is truly an F. Unless you love the constant feeling of frustration, skip it. (F=DO NOT WANT in this case, because it's clever. Because the movie is called F. Get it? Heh.)

Eliza Bennett and Roxanne McKee are in this.

Review: After.Life (2010)

"Not.Bad"

Sub-Genre- Supernatural... or is it Serial Killer?
Cast Members of Note- Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci and Justin Long.

Christina Ricci plays Anna; and mopey Emo chick who mopes around doing nothing to hide the fact that shes vaguely dissatisfied with her life and her boyfriend, Paul. She even mopes during the middle of tender lovemaking sessions. Worse still than her incessant moping, is the fact that she's kind of a bitch too. One night, while being a bitch and storming out on Paul because she's a woman and they don't listen to reason, she gets into a car accident and wakes up dead...

See what you get for copping an attitude?

Can you really wake up dead? I don't know, but that's certainly what happens. She wakes up in a funeral parlor, dead and being gawked at by a creepy Mortician, who just so happens to look a lot like Liam Neeson. He can talk to spirits you see, which adds even more creepiness to the fact that he likes touching dead bodies for a living, and it's up to him to convince Anna that she's indeed dead. Because she doesn't believe that she's dead. So he has to convince her that she is. Oh, you get the point.

"You're dead, that's why you're moving around!"

The more she fights the idea that she's really dead, the more Liam Neeson tries to convince her that she is, because he wants to help her cross over or something... by the way, she's naked during all of this. Oh yeah. Got your attention now, don't we? Naked and maybe dead, Anna starts to see and experience all sorts of odd and creepy things. Creepy Liam Neeson seems to be doing his best to help her get ready to cross over (what in the hell does that mean, anyway?), but is he up to something more sinister than he'd like her to believe?

"What say you come down in this open grave and we can hug... wait... your parents don't know you're here, do they?"

Throw in a frantic boyfriend that beats up little kids, a creepy little kid that kinda deserves a smack to begin with, and a rapey Cop who almost bones Christina Ricci's dead body, and we have a good old fashioned mystery on our hands? Sure. 

Bea Arthur returns from the grave in After.Life.

Let's be clear about one thing here: this movie is all about Christina Ricci being naked for a majority of its running time. It's a decent enough movie on its own I suppose, though it is bogged down by a few issues, but its biggest selling point it has is a scantily clad/naked Ricci. How great is that!

The movie has enough tension and intrigue to keep most people engaged throughout, though it did feel at times like a paint-by-number Thriller. Is Anna alive or dead? Is Liam Neeson a sadistic killer or a tender Ghost Whisperer? I bought into it all, and I'm not upset that I did.

Liam Neeson is always awesome to watch on screen, and he does a good job here of playing both creepy and sweet at the same time. He keeps you guessing. Ricci is a perennial cutie, and one that apparently has little issue with being naked. Fine by us. This isn't her best work, but then again there's not much depth here for her to explore.

The best thing I can say about After.Life is that I wasn't pissed off after watching it. Now, that might not sound like much of a compliment, but trust me, if a movie is truly bad, I tend to feel violated after watching it, and I usually want revenge. This one was a decent little "Ghost" story though, and I'm still not mad at it.

Lower, please.

What was with the creepy Cop getting off on molesting a corpse? I'm all for kink, but a dead body? Come on man, what is hot about a cold, stiff, beginning-to-rot body, no matter how good it looked when it was alive? Issues man. People have some twisted issues.

Stab him. Stab everyone!

So, what exactly did go on in this movie? Was Anna truly dead and fighting her "cross over" into the afterlife, or was she the prisoner of a sick serial killer, and alive the whole time? I know what I think, though I wont say anything about it here lest it spoil things for you, but there are certainly clues supporting both cases throughout the movie. I just wish I didn't get confused so easily.

Armed with only a knife, her wit, and some rock-hard nipples, Anna vows to discover the truth and/or, cut/poke something.

Lots of corpse gore in this one, but not the graphically excessive type; mostly embalming, injecting and the sewing of things. You know, like normal Funeral Home type stuff. There's some blood, but it all felt very clinical to us.

Christina Ricci is naked in this movie more than she was in Black Snake Moan, and she played a dirty, naked, slut on a chain in that one. Sure, she's a corpse here, but she still looks good sans clothes, even when she's a bit gray...

Might be worth a cold pack.

Never trust Morticians; even if they are decent people, they are fairly creepy and maladjusted. They just have to be, at least to some small extent, don't they?

I guess it's not necrophilia if they ask for it?

Despite all of our instincts telling us not to like this movie, we couldn't help but like After.Life for what it was. It was a bit obvious and nearly cliche in many spots, but it was intriguing and engaging none the less. Also, Christina Ricci being scantily clad or naked for most of the movie's running time only serves to help things. If you like a good Horror Thriller that keeps you guessing until the very end, then this one might be right up your alley. Also, you might like it if you love boobs.

C+

Christina Ricci is a little Hottie, even if she still looks like Wednesday Adams most of the time...