Quick Review: The Traveler (2011)

Val Kilmer stars as Mr. Nobody; a portly mystery man with no fingerprints who shows up one Christmas Eve night at an old motel that's supposed to be a police station (?), wanting to confess about some murders or something. It's clear from the start that something is off with Mr. Nobody, who is very cryptic in his words, whistles a lot, and looks as if he's made from a pile of really pale Playdoh.

A mysterious game of mental cat-and-mouse ensues, and the Deputies must fight for their very lives against a killer who might not be a killer, but is trying to kill them all for almost killing him. Mmm hmm. That's really the plot.

In the early-going, this movie had me hooked. It had an interesting feel to it, and did a good job at establishing a creepy atmosphere. The set up was at least interesting; I wanted to know what happened to the little girl; I wanted to know what Mr. Nobody's story really was; I really wanted to see Camille Sullivan's rack... In the end I got everything I wanted (sans the rack), but it was delivered so haphazardly that I ended up not wanting to know anything anymore.

So intriguing...

Somewhere along the way, the movie went from interesting to cheesy. It's as if Val Kilmer tried way too hard to be mysterious and clever with his words and mannerisms, and the movie suffered for it. I dare say he overacted. The kill scenes were a bit lame as well. The sequence where one officer writhes around in a locked car being suffocated to death, while her fellow officers repeatedly yell "get down!" and fail to shoot the windows out, was nearly funny. It seemed to last forever too.

Confused about your choices in movies, Val? Us too.

And why was this called The Traveler? I think they meant to imply that he was a drifter, but traveler makes me think he just got off a plane from somewhere and is in a hurry to catch a bus to somewhere else. Trust me, Mr. Nobody is in no hurry in this movie. They should have called it "The Whistler" or "Death Came Whistling." Maybe even "Why is this happening?" All three titles would have been fitting, in one way or another.

We've seen worse, but we've most assuredly seen way better too. As for Val Kilmer, I don't know how he gets roped into some of the movies he's in lately; he does a great movie, then he comes back with 3 or 4 shitty B-movies in a row. Then he does it all over again. He's still a good actor, but a lot of his movies lately aren't good at all.

Thanks, Elvis.

The Traveler isn't a total mess, and it certainly has its moments, just be warned that it's uneven and might make you snap the next time you hear someone whistling.

C-

Camille Sullivan is in this. Remember when she was in that one movie where she banged her Step-Son? We do. We'll never forget, either.

Attention sheeple: a new image from Breaking Dawn has just hit the internets!

Here's a newsflash for those of you out there who have your bar for quality control set low enough to be Twilight fans: This picture makes no sense, because he's dead, which means there's no beating heart pumping blood throughout his body, which means no blood flow to his glittering penis, which means he can't get an erection, make love, and most assuredly can not get someone pregnant. If you don't buy into all of this crazy science business, by all means bury your heads back in the fucking sand, and continue to take it in the ass from this terrible series (and I mean both in the literary and cinematic formats.) Oh and don't forget to set your dvr's for The Bachelor, as that represents true love fairly well too. Carry on.

Upcoming Movie Spotlight- Rubber (2011)

I can't remember the last time I saw such an... odd concept for a horror flick: When Robert, an inanimate tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession. Now, you can call me crazy, but this movie looks fun as hell. A telepathic tire out for revenge? We are all in on this one. If it sucks, it still has Wings Hauser... Available on VOD- February 25th

Review: My Soul to Take 3D (2010)

I was really, really looking forward to this one. as were all of my fellow THC freaks; Wes Craven is who he is after all, and despite a few lackluster efforts lately, he usually tends to make some really good flicks. Well, this one is lackluster too, I'm afraid, and it made us sad. 

Forget the 3D aspect of the movie, as it was an afterthought (like it seems to be with most 3D movies these days), and it ended up being nothing more than a marketing gimmick. It did nothing to enhance the movie or make it more fun. At all.

So forget about that mess, and let's concentrate on the plot.

Why?

It's 1994 and the Riverton Ripper is on the loose. His name is Abel. He's killed a bunch of girls, and after killing his pregnant wife, he calls his Doctor for help because he feels like he's "losing it." Just as he's about to kill his 3 year old daughter, the police arrive on the scene and shoot him. While they're checking to see if he's dead, he grabs a gun and shoots his Doctor. They shoot him again, and he vows to return.

On the way to the hospital (why?), the Cop and Paramedic talk about souls or something, only to have Abel sit up and slash the paramedics throat with a hidden knife. Yeah. The ambulance flips over due to the knife violence, and Abel escapes into the river, as do all of our hopes for this movie... and that's just the opening sequence.

"What is this shit?"

16 years later (of course), we find out that 7 kids were born on the very night that the Riverton Ripper died/didn't die, and every year they have a party to celebrate the anniversary of his death/un-death. As if you didn't see it coming, the "Riverton Seven" are killed off one by one, and of course the creepy kid of the school gets blamed. The creepy kid, Bug, has to figure out the mystery of Abel the Ripper, and why he can't get laid by the hottest girl in school. 14 plot twists later, it all makes perfect sense, and yet no sense at all... Come on... baby and big sister... Bug and his cranky older sister... Think hard.

The knife is family.

Riddled with cliches and a janky plot, I can't imagine how in the world anyone thought this movie would be good. It's predictable, safe, and at times, nonsensical. When the big reveal about Bug hits us, it isn't very compelling other than it compelled us to shake our collective head in disgust. The next big reveal (the one that "explains it all") was even worse. By the time the ending was in sight, my attention was anywhere else but on the screen.

Oh, cake!

Hollywood seems to be fine with making half-assed movies like this and marketing them to Teens, whom they obviously think are complete morons. I mean, they're coming out with a Rubik's Cube movie after all... Fine, Teens can suffer through sub-par crap easier than an older audience can, but still, can't they make the crap less crappy at least? I can hate on Twilight for everything that it is (and never could be), but that movie still make more sense than this one ever could. I just said that. Trust me, that's saying a lot.

My, what big hands you have... for a small Teenager.

I'm getting tired of making excuses for our genre's great directors, and the bad films they've offered us in recent years. Hell, the remakes of Wes Craven's classic movies are better than most of what he's given us since maybe the first Scream. Maybe guys like him just lose their touch. Maybe they don't have the power anymore to fight the execs that sit behind the desks and demand profit over quality.

Whatever the reason, we're the ones suffering for it.

Yeah, we want vengeance too.

My Soul to Take sounded interesting enough, but delivered on none of that promise... unless of course you're 14 and have no clue what good movies are yet. I would have liked it when I was 14. Maybe. Let's hope we get a better effort from Mr. Craven with Scream 4, because we didn't get much of one here.

Just skip it and know you're better off for doing so.

At least this movie had a couple of cuties in the cast. At least it had that.

A running tally of the years movies so far...

Her is the archive of reviews for the year 2011. Think of it as a handy reference. The movies below are grouped by letter grade, alphabetically so as not to give the impression of "order." Movies that are in bold are movies we've seen, but not reviewed. They are grouped in with other movies in their probable grade range, had we reviewed them. Some we will review, maybe. A+ The Troll Hunter A Battle : LA I Saw The Devil I Spit on Your Grave Megan is Missing Rare Exports Scream Stake Land Tucker & Dale vs Evil A- The Shrine Red, White & Blue The Man From Nowhere B+ A Horrible Way to Die Amer Bereavement Blitz The Devil's Rock Drive Angry 3D I Am Number Four In Their Sleep Insidious Little Deaths Mother's Day The Thing The Tunnel Wake Wood Wrong Turn 4 B Paranormal Activity 3 Rammbock Black Death We Are What We Are C+ Alyce Prowl The Resident C Blood Runs Cold Breadcrumbs Hatchett II Psyche:9 Quarantine 2 Red State Vlog C- Burke & Hare Dawning Fritt Vilt III Priest The Traveler Uninhabited The Vanishing on 7th street Vertige The Ward We Are the Night D+ The Bleeding House Creature The Orphan Killer Season of the Witch Yellowbrickroad D 11-11-11 D The Anniversary at Shallow Creek Choose Don't be Afraid of the Dark Exorcismus Fertile Ground Grave Encounters Siren Dylan Dog DO NOT WANT 8213: Gacy House Bloodlust Zombies Bunnyman Closed for the Season Episode 50 F Fading of the Cries Hellraiser: Revelations Hidden 3D Pelt The River Murders Rubber Shark Night 3D The Violent Kind The Bleeding

Quick Review: The Possession of David O'Reilly (2010)

The more I think about this movie, the more it just kinda pisses me off.

The story is simple; David arrives late one night at his friends house, carrying on about how his wife is a cheating whore, and his friends tell him to stay the night. During the night, he starts seeing Demons creeping around and trying to "get him," wakes his friends, rants a lot, and they just say "calm down mate, stay here as long as you need, despite you acting all crazy and unstable." Despite his wife telling him that something feels wrong about the whole thing and that they need to tell David to leave, Alex dismisses her and invites the obviously unwell man to stay as long as he needs to. Out of guilt I guess?

Go home, David. We need our sleep.

Now, if you're really someone's friend, you stick with them even through the worst of times, that's just how decent people act, but let's be real here; it was obvious that something happened to his wife and that David was either in the same danger or losing his grip on reality, so either way a good friend would have called the Police or someone in the mental health field to truly help their friend in need. The torment of David by Demons/his paranoia (we aren't ever sure which it is) grows worse and worse, and with his sane yet ignorant friends standing by and doing nothing about it, we are treated to constant jittery camera moves, long shots of doors, rooms and hallways, and by the time we get to the end, it's a little creepy but just makes too little sense and frustrates us so much that it all ceases to matter.

What is this?

And what about the ending sucks so bad? Well it's absolutely ambiguous, as we get no clear resolution of anything. I am all for open endings and guessing games in my movies, but there has to be something else there to support those kind of choices, or it just doesn't work. Had the movie that come before been compelling as the filmmakers intended, the ending could have passed as interesting. Instead, it just feels like a cop out for a story that never knew what it really wanted to be. The movie relies too much on forcing us to ask "what's going on here?" to be enjoyable, and coupled with the found footage-esque visuals, perpetual darkness, and jumbled feel, it takes us right out of anything that was meant to be suspenseful or creepy.

Was there anything good about it? Sure, there were a few things:

• The creatures, what very little we got to see of them, did look creepy and pretty cool.
• The acting is fairly solid all around, though the character of David is too jittery and disjointed, making him annoying more than convincing or sympathetic.
• The premise was interesting, though nothing very interesting was done with it.

The most exciting scene in the movie.

I can imagine that some people will like this movie, though I can't really imagine why. It's NOT a Paranormal Activity clone, so don't go thinking that, although the director seems to think that this movie gave the makers of Paranormal Activity their film's foundation. That's a pretty bold statement considering that one movie sucked and one movie didn't. I guess it's up to you to decide which is which. As for us....

She's in this.