DVD Review: Machete (2010)

"They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!"

Bloody, comically violent, and just plain all around awesome, Machete is definitely a movie for Horror fans.

Originally a trailer sandwiched between the two Grindhouse movies for a goof, people loved it so much that Robert Rodriguez (El Hefe), went ahead and made it a full length feature. That's why Rodriguez is so awesome; he just gets what cool is, says screw it, and goes for it. He's a Fanboy at heart, and he makes movies for other Fanboys. You have to respect the hell out of that.

Maybe the best part of the whole Machete project is that finally, after being awesome for so many years in so many smaller roles, Danny Trejo is the lead in his own movie. The guy has been in more that 250 productions over the course of his career, and it's hard for us to think of a guy who deserves it more, so nice job, Danny. Nothing but love.

Below, we offer 10 reasons (aside from the movie's wall-to-wall action and bloody mayhem) that will compel you to go see Machete asap. You really should go. Genre flicks like this need our support, else we be deluged by nothing but endless Saw sequels and prissy Vampire movies. Check it out:

Reason #1- Robert Rodriguez makes awesome movies. The guy knows what we fanboys want, and he gives it to us without fail, every time he steps behind the camera. Spy Kids doesn't count. He also named his kids Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon, which definitely ups his coolness level. El Hefe is as based as it gets.

Reason #2- Danny Trejo. The guy is the personification of the word bad-ass. Name a movie of his that he wasn't awesome in. You can't! Oh yeah, and he's also 66-years-old and would still beat your ass with one finger. 66-years-old. The guy is amazing.

Reason #3- Danny Trejo. Again. Not only is he bad-ass in all of his flicks, but he's an awesome guy to boot. The guy loves Pit Bulls, and volunteers his time to save them, and even dig them out of the snow. I saw that on TV, no joke. In a way Trejo and the Pit Bull are alike in that both are perceived as mean and nasty, but are genuinely good and kind creatures. I was going to say sweet or loving, because Pits really are as sweet as anything, but it felt like I was gaying-out for Danny Trejo a little. I think you get the point.

Reason #4- Jessica Alba. Man or woman, straight or gay, you know you'd fuck her. She can act too. Good lord what I'd give to be that ice cream cone... except for the melting part. That would be painful.

Reason #5- Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to El Jefe mentioned above.) Not only was she Ana Lucia on L O S T, but she looked really damn good in this movie. Also, she's hot.

Reason #6- Deniro. Nuff' said.

Reason #7- Don Johnson. Come on, the guy is Sonny "Motherfucking" Crockett for Pete's sake, I think it's a Cardinal Sin not to love him.

Reason #8- Steven Seagal. Not only is it fun(ny) to watch him act, but you can tell by looking a him that he loves ham. Anyone that loves ham that much is alright by me.

Reason #9- The acting ability of Lindsay Lohan. LOL. Sorry, I can't say that without laughing. How does she keep getting work? Oh yeah. The tits. I digress.

Reason #10- Robert Rodriguez's nieces. Do I really need to explain it to you?

Machete is a pure adrenaline rush of Grindhouse insanity. It's all done in a self aware manner, because it's an homage to the cheesy (yet fantastic) action flicks of decades gone by. If you can't watch this movie and have a shitload of fun while doing so, then I'm not really sure where your head is at.

This movie has been graded A for Awesome.

Machete? He banged them.

DVD Review: Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009)

"Based loosely on a real legend, Blood Night does a decent job at being a slasher flick, but could have been way better..."

Cast Members of Note- Nate Dushku, Samantha Facchi, Danielle Harris, and Bill Moseley.

Taking a look back to 1978 using the wayback machine, we see a young girl named Mary go bonkers and kill her family with a hatchet, earning her not only the nickname of Mary Hatchet, but a new home in the local sanitarium as well. 10 years later, she escapes from the nuthouse and returns home only to kill a bunch more people and get herself killed in a hail of bullets. that poor girl never had a chance, did she?

Boom, headshot!

The night is dubbed Blood Night, and celebrated by the town every year thereafter. It is said that on Blood Night, Mary Hatchet's ghost roams the streets looking for new victims to add to her tally sheet, especially whores and jerks. The coolest part of the whole deal is that her ghost walks around naked. Dontcha just love cool holidays?

As long as I have a gun or two on me, I'd have no problem celebrating "Naked Nut-job Day."

Flashing forward a bunch of years later, we find a group of dumb kids having their annual Blood Night party, and figure it's a good idea to get drunk and head out to the local cemetery with a Ouija Board to taunt the ghost of poor old Mary Pickaxe. Of course the taunting works and she returns to give them a healthy dose of shut the fuck up... which isn't really a bad thing considering that most of them a d-bags anyhow.

Please die. Thank you.

Can anyone survive Mary Hatchet's ghostly fury? Was Mary raped in the Sanitarium, and does that play a part in her bloody legend? Does Bill Moseley really need the money this bad? I don't know about any of that, but at least we get to see Samantha Facchi naked. Best part of the movie.

Such a pretty murderess.

The good about Blood Night? Boobs and Blood. It's a slasher flick, albeit with a supernatural bent, but it does deliver what a good slasher flick should, and that's nudity and gore. It's a bit cliche' and gets muddled in the middle act, but overall it delivers what a slasher flick is supposed to, even if it could have used a tighter script and a faster pace. It's interesting to note that the movie was based in part on a real Long Island, New York legend. the whole small town dynamic was interesting too, seeing how they treated such horrific events and how so many people made it into a fun thing rather than a remembrance of a grisly night of horror. We loved the visuals in this flick, as some of the kills were pretty neat and Mary creeping around was kind of... creepy. It's not a scare fest by any means, but Mary made a pretty menacing ghost and her time on screen worked well. Too bad there wasn't a bit more of it.

A retro-looking "Ouchie."

Hey, Danielle Harris, get naked, already. That's right, I said it. Sure you got mostly naked in Rob Zombie's Halloween, but you were all covered in blood too, so to those of us who aren't psychopaths, it wasn't truly hot to see. May I suggest that you take a look at my script for Oral Sex Killer Whore: Mouth of Death. In it you would play a whore who goes around killing both men and women with your tongue via oral sex, to compensate for your painful childhood and hatred of groins. It could be a career-maker in the right hands, and I believe that those hands are yours. Make hay while the sun shines Danielle. Call me.

There are so many things I'd like to axe her...

With a fun beginning, and a fun ending (once people start getting bumped off), what happens in the middle is a bunch of... well, nothing. It's almost as if the movie takes a break to have the teen characters party for a while, talk, and accomplish nothing plot-wise, then suddenly it remembers that it's a Horror flick and gets back on track. Hell, at least throw us some gratuitous sex scenes to keep us focused, or some blatant plot device-ish murders or something, but don't just lose focus and meander so aimlessly on us.

Stop smiling and die!

Blood and gore are definitely the main draw of Blood Night. As with most slashers, there's a bunch o' blood in this movie, and some good kills as well.

That is not Strawberry Quik.

The gorgeous Samantha Facchi bares all as the title character, picking up the slack for the prudish Danielle Harris. Seeing her naked alone is worth checking this movie out.

More like Mary Sexy, am I right?

Stay out of graveyards, especially on cursed nights. Also, not all hot, naked chicks are a good thing. Some of them like to kill.

Like her.

Blood Night is what it is; a slasher flick, and nothing more. If you like the whole slasher formula, there's something in this movie that you'll probably enjoy, though it isn't a great flick overall. Watch it for the nudity and kills, but ignore the meandering pace and plot and you should be just fine. I'd rent it before buying it.

C-

Blood Night is available now on DVD and VOD.

I don't know, Mary Hatchet doesn't look so scary to me. Also, Danielle Harris.

 

DVD Review: Bikini Girls on Ice (2010)

Had this one pushed the envelope a bit more -like say giving us a bunch of nudity and a ton more blood- it would have been a pretty good slasher flick. As it stands, Bikini Girls on Ice is a decent, run-of-the-mill slasher flick, that falls just short of being something more.

The plot is full of holes so don't worry about that too much, just suffice it to say that a bunch of hot, scantily-clad College chicks are systematically picked off by a greasy gas station attendant in the middle of nowhere.

Cliches abound in this one, such as the no cell phone service bit, the usual slasher flick characters (slut, bitch, geek, good girl, etc...), the every-present old local guy warning the kids to leave or die... Like I said it's all very run of the mill.

A perfect 10, this one.

Most of the kills are off screen, though we do get to see corpses and blood splashes all over the place, so really, the main reason to see this one is for the chicks; the nearly naked, wet, hot chicks. On a side note, we only got to see one bare boob and a quick lesbian kiss, which feels like a huge let down in a film with this kind of title. Sigh.

Check out the pictured highlights below, for reference sake, of course:

Sassy.

Slutty.

Slutty pt.2.

Bitchy (and hot.)

Always pleasant.

God she's a bitch (but really hot.)

So dirty, and yet so clean...

Way too much clothing.

Aww, Hank.

Internal car ride?

It's really not too bad for a slasher flick, so catch it if it's on cable, or rent it if it's cheap I suppose, but most of us Horror fans will mostly likely find this one rather tame. If hot chicks are your thing though, you will smile.

C-

 Hotties. Hotties everywhere!