Frightfest Review: Roadkill (2010)

Two couples find themselves at odds with a Demonic Road Train on the desolate highways of the Outback!

Stranded in the middle of nowhere, they must try to back the evil truck down a road full of risky eternal doom! Really. They spend the last half of the movie backing up... or attempting to. Add in a subplot about a guy with a whore girlfriend who sleeps with his best mate (and all of the tension it causes between the main characters), and you'll spend 85 minutes trying to back away from your TV.

First off, we really loved the concept of this movie; a driver-less truck that is most likely related to Hell in some way, running not on fuel but on corpses, trying to fuel it's insatiable appetite... that's some fun stuff right there. It reminded me of Duel or The Hearse or something, with a bit of Joyride 2 thrown in for good measure. The fairest comparison would be to say it is a lot like Road Games in feel and setting. (If you haven't seen Road Games, it's an oldie-but-goodie, and you should check it out.)

"We have to back up more!"

Whichever one it reminds you most of, it's a "mysterious vehicle terrorizes innocent travelers for no apparent reason" flick, in any case. Sometimes that concept works, sometimes it doesn't. Take a guess at how it worked out here.

The movie delivered some tense scenes, and managed to entertain well enough, some of the time, but something about it just never clicked into place as it should have. The acting was pretty good, the chicks were hot, there was some neat-o violence thrown in here and there... it had its merit.
 

There go the movie's two best merits right now.

Where it completely lost its footing was in the common/logical sense department; mainly because most of the movie made none. Nothing was explained, and the characters were blisteringly stupid. When a road train is bearing down on you at high speed, pull over. If you don't pull over, and it hits you, pull off the road when it does. If you let it hit and pass you, and then race to catch up to it, cut it off and flip the driver the middle finger, then you deserve whatever happens next. Why can no one ever be sensible in these movies?

You're in a small SUV and a guy in a massive, double-length semi truck hits you and nearly runs you off of the road, and you say "screw that guy, let's get him!" What the hell could you possibly do to him? That's nothing more than a dumb fucking person begging for tons of trouble. Call the Cops. Pull over and let him drive off. Wish death on his family quietly to yourself... but try to fight a road train? And let's discuss how after stealing a massive semi truck and fleeing for your life from a mad gunman, you not only manage to doze off while driving, but while you're sleeping you manage to turn off of the highway onto a dirt road, navigate your way down a narrow, winding incline, and end up miles off course? While asleep! Wow. I guess you could write it off as "the truck willed it", and it drove itself somewhere, but they never explain it that way, and instead it comes off as a random happening. Again, wow.
 

"Why would you do that?"

Most of the movie after that is spent trying to back the truck up and get off of that road, although there's another place to turn around and escape... that they eventually use. It's all just really clumsy. Back up... stop, get out, wonder what's happening, get back in, back up 10 feet, stop, get out... fuck you.

And what's with the guy drinking his own piss after being out in the sun for hardly any time at all? What was she drinking from those cans? What was with all of the Cerebus imagery? Did anyone on the film crew realize that they got the direction they came from all screwed up? Why would you dump out 1 of your 3 bottles of water because you're all angry and throwing a tantrum?

 It didn't suck as much as The Tomb did, but Roadkill was definitely a wreck none the less. 

Please just die. All of you.

This one was interesting on some levels, but it was just to infuriatingly retarded to endure. That's strike two for the Fango Frightfest, and quite frankly I'm baffled as to how bad these movies are so far... they had better be saving the good movies for later.

D

Georgina Haig and Sophie Lowe are in this.

Frightfest Review: The Tomb (2010)

Some hot chick named Ligeia is running around a College trying to suck souls out of corpses with a tube, and she decides to seduce Wes Bentley and steal him away from his fiance; because he's rich and he can fund her soul sucking.

He falls under her spell, dumps Michael Madsen's daughter, moves to Russia (or some place that looks like Russia) with her, and they sit around in a Castle and drink odd concoctions together, and brood. Ligeia needs a new body you see, because she's cursed and will die without "transferring her essence" to another.

Plot holes galore and awkward body swapping ensue.

Anyone remember after American Beauty when Wes Bentley was the hottest thing in Hollywood, and thought to be on the verge of greatness? Neither do I. If he ever was on that sacred verge, then I honestly think that his eyebrows held him back. I mean, try taking him seriously as an actor with those eyebrows. I mean come on, Wes.

So imagine my surprise to find him starring in The Tomb (aka Ligeia.) I immediately thought to myself "this isn't going to be good," and lo-and-behold, it wasn't.

It's a fine film in a few ways; it looks good, it's filled with some great scenery, there are a couple of hot chicks in it... and that's it. That's pretty much all of the "good." Aside from those few things, The Tomb is drab, dull, boring, slow, often feels choppy, and above all, it isn't scary. As a TV drama, maybe it works for some people. Maybe. As a Horror film, and one released under the Fangoria banner, it's a major let down. Let's not even mention that Ligeia was originally a short story by Edgar Allan Poe, because that makes the insult that much worse. Whoever wrote this script must have wiped their ass with Poe's short story and scoffed, thinking that they could do it better.

Why so frowny?

There's no build up or logical progression to many of the characters actions, they just seem to kind of do things because the script said to. I'm sure we're supposed to write it all off to Ligeia being so bewitching, but some realism would still be nice. There is no dread or feeling of foreboding to be found here, only poor plotting, poor pacing, and nonsense. I never once felt a sense of concern for anyone on screen, as there was no creepy or dangerous atmosphere anywhere to be found anywhere in this movie.

I'm convinced that The Tomb was edited by someone who was drunk off their ass or wanted some kind of revenge, because the movie jumps scenes so awkwardly and nonsensically, that the plot becomes pointless and frustrating about 20 minutes in. Flat, uninspired acting doesn't help either when dealing with a shitty script, and that's pretty much what we got from just about everyone in this work of art. Wes Bentley pretty much sleepwalks through this movie. Seeing Michael Madsen and Eric Roberts in this movie makes me recall the days when they were both character acting powerhouses, landing plum roles and knocking it out of the park every time. Here, they just kind of exist for the sake of existing, and serve no purpose. Sofya Skya is gorgeous as Ligeia, but really can't act to save her life; Monica Belluci would have been perfect in her role. It's always fun to see long time character actor Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, as he just has that thing about him... like a Japanese version of Danny Trejo, if that makes any sense. And Christa Campbell was in this? Where? I must have missed her when I dozed off...

Why always with the eyebrows, Wes Bentley?

No tension, no dread, little blood, poor writing, horrible editing, disjointed plot... even the sex scenes fell short, and the movie is about a seductive temptress! This one brings nothing to the table. So far, not so good, Fangoria.

Kaitlin Doubleday is in this.

DVD Review: Burning Bright (2010)

"Tyger, Tyger, burning bright, we enjoyed your film tonight..."

In Attendance- Me, Machine, Geo, Little G, and Michelle.
Cast Members of Note- Briana Evigan, Charlie Tahan, Garrett Dillahunt, and Meat Loaf.

Ok, here goes... A girl and her autistic brother are trapped in a house with a ravenous tiger during a hurricane... Sure, that synopsis sounds pretty lame and nonsensical; why not just leave the house and take your chances in the hurricane, right? Add to the scenario the fact that the house is all boarded and sealed up tight in preparation for said hurricane, and it makes more sense. Although taking your chances with a hurricane makes no sense either. So really, it all seems fairly dumb.

I said "seems" dumb, Briana. Don't be mad, baby.

After their mom dies, Kelly and Tom are left in the care of their skeezy Step-Dad, who has a dream of spending all of his late wife's money by building an exotic Petting Zoo in the back yard. Sounds reasonable. Unfortunately, Kelly needs that money for beauty school, not to mention daycare for her artistic brother, and when she confronts Step-Daddy about it, he decides to kill them with a tiger.

Oh hai there.

With a hurricane bearing down on them, trapped in a inescapable house, and being stalked by a malnourished tiger, Briana Evigan proceeds to spend the entire rest of the movie skulking around the house either drenched in sweat or soaked with rain... wonderfully accentuating the short shorts and the white tank top she's wearing. She's like a glistening nanny with a gun.

Sweaty, scantily clad, anti-tiger vengeance!

Did Step-Daddy kill Mommy for the insurance money? Can a hot chick fight a tiger to keep herself and her artistic brother alive? Will we ever find out why the movie is called Burning Bright? I don't want to spoil anything for you here, so all I will say is that if I were that tiger, I'd lick Briana's sweat drippings too.

That tiger is a perv!

The title of this movie has intrigued the hell out of me since I first heard about it last summer. It conjures up thoughts of an autistic boy with a"gift" of some sort, that shines through in his greatest time of need. That all sounded plausible to me, although the end product was far from what I had imagined; as it turns out, the movie's title came from some old poem called Tyger,Tyger and had nothing to do with plot itself, which was a bummer. But, I digress.

This movie works within its limited trappings, and manages to deliver a tense, fun, and very satisfying 85 minutes of tiger/hurricane craziness. It's not reinventing the wheel or anything, but it does manage to put a little bit of air in the tire so as not to make the ride bumpy at all. You can't help but be on edge wondering if Kelly can keep she and her brother alive, running around a house that they can't escape from, with a starving tiger in hot pursuit. We were so wound up by the end, that we clapped and gave a little cheer at the outcome. It wasn't a magnum opus of Horror Thrillers by any means, but I'll be damned if it wasn't a helluva good time.

Our thoughts exactly.

Dear Briana Evigan; We here at THC have great respect for you, as your father (Greg Evigan) was on one of the best TV Shows of all time (B.J. and the Bear), but it's time to get naked already. You're young and hot, so make hay while the sun shines and show us what you've got. Slut it up a little, no one's going to judge you. I mean, don't you think you kinda owe us at least that for having to sit through Sorority Row? YOU. OWE. US.

You know we're right.

This is the first move I've seen Briana Evigan in that was truly good, and it may be the one movie in her repertoire that will be least known. I'm sure tons of people saw Sorority Row and Step Up part 12, which is a sad statement for so many different reasons, but this one will most likely fly under the radar of most movie lovers. We just love to see little quirky movies like this get the love sometimes, you know?

Now, just hold that pose...

There was VERY little gore in this movie, although we do get a few tiger-induced injuries and one pretty bloody scene towards the end. This movie was definitely more about suspense than it was  about the bloodshed.

See, there's some blood.

No naked stuff in this one, but we did get to see Brianna Evigan all scantily-clad and wet throughout a good portion of the movie. Had this movie been exactly the same but added a plot element of the daughter being a nudist into the mix... Instant Classic.

Always have a will in place, in case of Evil Step-Father. Also, the title Burning Bright makes no sense at all. Neither does the poem.

She really glistened in this movie.

Crazy premise and a title-pulled-from-an-obscure-poem aside, Burning Bright was a pleasant surprise for us all. The film manages to make its small setting work very well, and delivers the scares and edge-of-your-seat pacing that more suspense films need these days. While not perfect, this should be an enjoyable breath of fresh Horror air for most genre fans, especially those of the jaded variety. Check it out on DVD now.

B+

Burning Bright is available now on DVD and VOD.

I have an idea for a new version of Briana Evigan's dad's classic TV Show, BJ and the Bear; I play a sexy and sassy truck driver named Bear, and Briana is BJ, the lot-lizard with a heart of gold, who spends each show truly earning her nickname... Tell me that wouldn't work. It would have to be on HBO or Showtime or something though, because, explicit sex.

 

 

Review: The Horde (2010)

"It's about time that zombies attacked France..."

Cast Members of Note- Claude Perron, Jeffrey Dean Morgan Jean-Pierre Martin, Eriq Ebouaney, Doudou Masta, and Yves Pignot as Pappy.

Having lost a loved one at the hands of gangsters, a family of French Cops sets out for revenge. The Plan? Storm the oddly abandoned hi-rise apartment building that they use as their hideout, and kill them all. Thank god Police don't so shady things like that in America.

Alright guys, sorry. Maybe Cops in America do get out of line sometimes.

Of course everything goes wrong with this mission, and instead of getting revenge, the vigilante Cops catch an ass-whipping and come close to being executed by the thugs... until Zombie Apocalypse arrives in the nick of time to save their asses and changes everything! Not sure why it happened, or how, but Zombie Apocalypse sure set the French sky ablaze for some reason?

Maybe the zombies are on fire, or they explode or something?

Forced to team up to survive, the rival factions are then forced to team up with a crazy old man named Pappy, mainly because he has a frigging howitzer, and seems to enjoy making hordes of zombies into piles of what strongly resembles pulled pork. I have to say that this group of survivors is very diverse: old and young, black and white, man and woman... it would have been neat to have seen them add a dwarf or a guy in a wheelchair for context though. Still, it's progress.

That guy really reminds me of Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Anyway, the point of the whole thing is for the group to make it from the top of the hi-rise to the bottom, and go outside. I don't get it, because that's where all the zombies are, but who am I to criticize. Can they learn to overcome their differences and work together to survive? Will they escape the building of death? Will Pappy have a stroke before all is said and done? Let me just say this: leave it to the bitter woman to screw things up.

Apparently, there's nowhere to hide.

 

The French have done it again. Following in the blood soaked footprints left by the Horror films of the... well, The French, La Horde is a wet, messy, overtly violent, blood-soaked and rollicking good zombie time! Don't look for characters to love, explanations as to what happened to cause the zombie outbreak, or for a deep plot, because you won't be satisfied if you do. Love this movie simply because it's action-packed and littered with bloody bodies.

The actors did a nice job too at being bad-ass, especially the crazy old war veteran whom I affectionately named Pappy. The guy kicks all sorts of ass, and that's saying a lot considering he was surrounded by younger, tougher bad asses and still seemed to shine. Jean-Pierre Martins (Jeffrey Dean Morgan's French cousin) and Eriq Ebouaney were fun as hell to watch too.

You may be bat-shit nuts, but we love you, Pappy.

Are we ever going to get a new, true zombie flick? I like the infected zombie thing, but I really miss the whole "rising from the grave" type of zombie flick. Sure, different times call for different stimuli, and I know that things evolve (especially with film), but once in a while I'd just like to see an old staple revisited, especially with the way modern Horror filmmakers tackle their projects. Maybe that's why we loved Dead Snow so much?

Then again, it's terrifying either way.

***ENDING SPOILERS*** What was with that ending? I get why it went down the way it did, but I just can't swallow the fact that a sudden zombie invasion wouldn't change someones perspective on things enough to... stay their hand. If someone repeatedly fought to save my life, I'd probably be all kinds of thankful rather than holding onto any grudge I may have previously had with them. I can't say much more on this topic less I spoil things, but trust me when I say it was a bit of a let down.

Friends until the end?

I don't want to give the impression that this movie was a wall-to-wall Gorefest, but it was all kinds of bloody; Pappy with his machine-gun was responsible for dispatching probably 60+ zombies alone, and in nasty fashion, I might add. If you love the wet and nasty stuff, you will love this movie.

Bloody fun, this movie is.

No. I'm disappointed in you, France. You of all countries know the value of sex and nudity in film, and yet you have failed us here. Merde!

This movie gets no more scandalous than these pokies. Boo!

The French have issues. Also, never mess with black gangsters in France... they really take tough to a whole new level over there.

Mon dieu!

Not quite what I thought it would be, La Horde is a pretty awesome little zombie flick none the less. Packed with tons of action and copious amounts of blood, French Horror filmmakers continue to push the genre ahead while American Horror filmmakers scratch their collective head and wonder "How'd they pull that off?" If you like zombie/infected flicks, then I can't see how you won't love this one.

B

The Horde is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

She's in this.