Review: Flesh, TX (2009)

I should have known better. I should have seen the cool box art, known the movie would be total crap, and passed it up. Of course, I'm a glutton for punishment, and in the interest of saving innocent Horror fans everywhere from the pain, I bit the bullet and watched Flesh, TX.

This is another "Inbred backwoods hillbilly family that kills people and eats them" flick... which is a totally new and fresh idea. Wait, it's not new and fresh, so I'm sure there will at least be some interesting or fresh twist on the tired old formula to keep me interested, right? Nope. Not that either. Why am I watching this again?

She is really hot.

The chick is hot, but everything else about this movie is about as pleasing as having a root canal done on you with a rusty ice pick... by an ill-tempered monkey. (I wanted to say Llama, but with no opposeable thumbs, it just seemed too far-fetched.) There is so much story here that no one will care about, so much talking that does nothing for the movie, and so many cringe-inducing moments in the first 15 minutes alone, that I think a person deserves some sort of prize for sitting through the rest of this steaming prairie pile. A smack in the mouth and a nice "what's wrong with you!" should do nicely.

Do low budget Horror filmmakers even try anymore? Do they all have to try an be clever by giving us cartoonish and "wacky" characters in an attempt to be artistic? I blame Rob Zombie for this, because ever since Devil's Rejects, Horror filmmakers seem hell-bent on trying to create their own Otis, Capt. Spaulding or Baby, and 99.9% of the time they fail and end up giving us a painful parody rather than off-kilter or interesting characters.

Painful like this.

Which brings me to my next point; I can't remember the last time I saw a movie this poorly acted. Aside from Kathleen Benner, who shows some promise despite the fact that she had nothing to work with script or dialogue wise, I think everyone else in this movie was just recruited at the bus stop, and told to act. The script definitely made it worse, but the actors just didn't have it in them to rise above it, or even make it back to par. It's always sad to see Joe Estevez (you know Martin Sheen's brother, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's uncle) even doing this kind of tripe. He's no master thespian by a long shot, but come on, his brother is Martin Sheen! He has nothing more in him than this? Even Charlie doesn't suck this bad anymore, and he hasn't been relevant since what... Major League 2?

Flesh, TX is mostly full of dialogue and character development scenes that we can't care about, and when the blood does flow, it looks like runny pink Karo Syrup and kinda sucks. If you're gonna do it on the cheap, and with limited talent, at least pack it to the rafters with the bloody stuff. I could go on and on, but you get the point by now I'm sure. There was at least one thing, and one thing only in and about this movie that was good, and if you look closely in the following pictures, you should be able to figure out what it is. Look close!:


If you guessed "scenic locations/set design," that's not really right, but we will accept that answer. We will also accept "The slutty hot chick in the whore get-up" as well. There is nothing left to say on this matter.

Kathleen Benner is alright with us.

Review: The Reeds (2010)

"Not as bad as The Final, but nowhere near as good as Dread, this Horrorfest entry falls... sideways?"

Cast Members of Note- Anna Brewster, OT Fagbenie, Scarlett Johnson, Emma Catherwood, Will Mellor, Danny Caltagirone, and Geoff Bell.

A group of twenty-something folks from London (England, not Canada) head off on a boating trip to what may be the lamest vacation spot on the planet; a group of shallow, narrow channels of water lined with little more than reeds (hence the title.) There's not really even a lake at the end of their journey, just a wider space in between the reeds which I suppose is meant to be tranquil and gorgeous? I've never pretended to understand The British. 

"I don't understand us either. Wait... what?"

After repeatedly running into some a gang of homeless creepy kids, hearing "strange" noises, and seeing "odd" things, the haphazard boat crew ends up hitting something and becoming stranded (as if you didn't see that one coming.) With one of them injured, and all of them scared like a bunch of pansies, they head off into the reeds to find help. Of course there is something dark and sinister lurking in the reeds, which not only adds to their problems, but adds to my problems figuring out just what the hell is going on in this movie...

The Children of the Reeds?

What is lurking in the reeds? What's up with that creepy old man? Will anyone survive the lamest boat trip ever? I won't reveal the answers to those questions or tell you what happens next, but suffice it to say that the ending will leave you feeling cheated, beaten and dazed; a victim of poor writing and lame plotting.

This is a victim. This will be you.

 

As After Dark Horrorfest movies go, this one was par-for-the-course; mostly passable, but truly underwhelming and not very good. The Reeds is basically another direct-to-video quality, run-of-the-mill Horror yarn, that will be entertaining enough for some, but forgettable to most.

None of that really qualifies as "The Good" does it? Well, I will say that the acting was pretty good. The characters were mostly annoying, and all stupid, but the actors did their job admirably. The movie also had some creepy moments throughout, as the setting was bland and isolated, which did make us feel uneasy at times. That's it though. No more good.

She looks good with a gun.

Why did this movie seem like such a confusing jumble of bad writing? What's up with the dog? Why were the creepy kids sacrificing animals? Don't ask, because you will never get an answer. Why did the movie seem to have no clue what it wanted to be where it was going? I can't bitch about much more without giving plot elements away, but the movie just felt disjointed and forced in some spots, which really hurt it in the end.

What happened?

Are you even kidding me with that ending? Why do Horror filmmakers these days feel compelled to end their movies with lame twists and surprises, even though most of them totally suck, and feel as if they've been forced into the story just for the sake of having a twisty surprise? It was a pretty big "roll your eyes" moment for me, as I really do hate plot devices. REALLY.

Oh. How twisty.

 

We get some impaling, shotgun violence, and your standard animal sacrifice scenes, but most of the movie was not a gore lover's dream.

 

Yes, we get a naked dude jumping into the water... and we see his bum.

Never vacation in a swamp.

Because you'll die there.

This movie felt a bit unorganized and haphazard, and didn't make a lot of realistic sense. It was passable, but could have been much better had it decided on what kind of Horror flick it was early on, and just went with it. Its only saving grace was the acting, which in most cases was solid, but it just wasn't enough to make this movie good. I'm sure some people will like this one, and it's not awful, but having seen it once I can absolutely say with confidence that I'll never watch it again.

Skip this one and go rent Lake Mungo or Dread instead.

C+

Anna Brewster and Scarlett Alice Johnson... aren't they cute?

Review: The Wolfman (2010)

There's not much to say about this one, other than... It's The Wolfman.

I was never personally a huge fan of the original Wolfman story, as it always seemed a little tame and stale to me, and even a bit lame. I know tons of Classic Movie Monster lovers would flay me at hearing that, but it's just not my taste is all. You can keep The Mummy and Frankenstein too. Just sayin'.

The new 2010 version of The Wolfman, despite my personal predilections, is a stunning film to look at and a fun one to watch. The sets, locations, scenery, costumes, and even the dreaded CGI is all spot on.

It's well written, and directed more than competently too, which just makes it all the more technically and creatively sound.

This is why I avoid crypts.

Surprisingly, there was a good amount of action throughout, from chases and multiple fight scenes, to a dream sequence that was pretty damned amazing. It's a bloody flick too, which surprised me for a bigger-budget Hollywood project. Claws tear, entrails drop, and blood flows in copious amounts, which is always a good thing. I'm guessing the Unrated DVD version is going to be bloodier than the Theatrical (I know, I'm Captain Obvious), so be sure to grab that one if you love the gore.

Calista Flockhart's Cameo.

The best part of the whole thing for me were the great performances, most notably from Sir Anthony Hopkins. The guy is just always stellar, and here, he's all kinds of intense and awesome. It's worth seeing the movie just to watch him emote and act creepy. Add to that the always great Hugo Weaving, the vastly underused Benicio DelToro, and the way hot Emily Blunt (who can act her ass off too), and we have an absolutely solid cast knocking it out of the park... but in the end, it's still just The Wolfman. Meh.

Oh shit, it's agent Smith!

The OG.

It drags a bit in the start (though I like the quiet character stuff), and there's really only so much you can do with this story, but it's a fun watch, filled with blood and action. You probably already know if you'd like this one or not, and you're probably right.

B+

 

 In parting, here's some Emily Blunt for you to enjoy. You can never have too much Emily Blunt.

Review: The Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (2010)

"Iceland makes what I believe is their first Horror flick... and they obviously came to represent"

Cast Members of Note- Pihla Viitala, Terrence Anderson, Miranda Hennessy, and Leatherface himself, Gunnar Hansen.

Leatherface is now a retired movie maniac, and spends his golden years captaining a boat that offers whale-watching tours in Iceland. These days, he's all silver haired and wise looking, and it seems as if he's left his murderous past behind. Good for him!

Gunnar!

With Leatherface's boat full of tourists from a bunch of different nations, they set out on an idyllic trip to find some of natures most majestic mammals, and watch them. Instead they find a crazy, inbred Icelandic family (led by a guy that looks suspiciously like Crab Boat Captain Phil Harris) that hates both Greenpeace and whales, and really seems to enjoy killing tree-hugging hippies/tourists as well. Especially the tree-hugging American hippie/tourists.

Phil Harris?

I won't spoil what happens next here, mainly because it's a slasher flick and there isn't much to spoil, but suffice it to say that once it hits the fan, shit gets seriously frigging crazy aboard the death boat. Iceland could be re-named "Bloodland" and it would somehow be fitting after this movie.

Ouch.

Had this been an American Horror film, I think my overall verdict would be something along the lines of "meh." It's fairly simple, a bit slow to start, and really brings nothing new to the genre table... but... for a country that has produced less than 100 films in their entire history as a nation, Iceland has managed to come up with a pretty good little Horror flick here.

It's a bit choppy and awkward throughout, and most of the plot elements and characters were borrowed from other genre movies (TCM, Wrong Turn, etc...), but it was bloody enough and fun enough to make us happy in the end. There's even a part that made me laugh pretty hard; be on the lookout for the "I'll be right back, don't you move!" scene involving the rapist deckhand... Oh no he didn't! Oh yes he did, and I LOL'd. Hard.

It's also of note to mention that Horror Legend Gunnar Hansen (TCM's original Leatherface), makes an appearance in this movie as the Tour Boat Captain. I never realized he was from Iceland (because who the hell ever is, you know?) and it was a neat little surprise to see him show up in this one.

... and random lesbian snogging is always a bonus, no?

One of the film's killers reminded me a lot of the late, great Captain Phil Harris from the Discovery Channel show, The Deadliest Catch. A great show and a great guy, this movie just made me think about him and his recent death, and it bummed me out a little.

R.I.P. Captain Phil. Thanks for being awesome.

I just knew there couldn't be a horror flick with a gay, black hero that didn't involve some sort of racist B.S. going on... even in Iceland The Man is always there to keep a brotha down! All I'm sayin' is if I ever go on a creepy boat trip through the waters of Iceland, I'm bringing a gay black dude with me... because he took care of business!

"Sorry baby, you ain't my type."

The gore factor in this movie is pretty high, as we get all sorts of nastiness including, but not limited to; vomit, eye violence, throat slashing, impalement, axe violence, exploding heads, blood body paint, people burning alive, rape, and yes, we do get some pretty awesome harpoon violence! *The kind you mount on a boat, not carry.

Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.

There's a fair amount of nudity and some sexual situations in this movie, but almost all of it involves near-rape. Once scene at the beginning was nice, but the rest was just downright creepy. Nothing fun to see here, folks.

She's naked, but there's nothing hot about it.

People in Iceland hate whales. They seem to hate American Hippies too. Also, never fuck with the quiet Asian chick, or she will teach you a harsh lesson.

Looks like a fun vacation...

For many of you, this will be your average run of the mill slasher, albeit set in an interesting locale. For the rest of you, this will be a bloody, disturbing, fun, hell of an effort by a country that basically has no history when it comes to making Horror flicks. The beginning lagged a bit, but once the "massacre" begins, it was a fun ride that didn't make a ton of sense, but delivered the goods. Not bad, Iceland. Not bad at all.

B-

The Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

We cant pronounce your name, Pihla Viitala, but that doesn't mean we don't love you.