Review: Tony (2010)

"A bit underwhelming, but creepy none the less..."

Cast Members of Note- Peter Ferdinando, Lorenzo Camporese, Frank Boyce, and Lucy Flack.

Tony is an mousy, socially-awkward, creepy British guy who gets picked on and pushed around an awful lot. He brings it on himself, being a shut-in welfare-leeching loner, who watches old 80's action movies and has no social skills whatsoever, but still you have to feel for the guy. Maybe just a little bit.

He does that for hours sometimes.

Most of his days are filled with watching some Chuck Norris movies, cruising gay bars and killing leather bears, befriending random drug addicts, creeping hookers out, talking to neighborhood boys, getting beat up, chopping meat, leeching off of Government money, drinking plenty of squash (whatever the hell that is), and getting beat up. He was obviously not hugged enough as a child.

So that's really it as far as the story goes. I guess that the audience is supposed to wonder things like will get the job or won't he, did he kill the kid or not, or does he go to leather bear night at the Pink Pucker Hole regularly, or just when he's in the mood, but who really cares.

What is in those bags?

This is a very subtle movie. Raw, unnerving, disturbing and quiet, Tony reminds me an awful lot of the 80's classic Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer... except that Tony was nowhere near as engaging or disturbing, though it did give it the old college try. The movie meanders along, showing us things that happen, but it never quite ties together in a cohesive plot. As a glimpse into the life of a killer, it's aces. As a story about a killer, what he goes through, and he or the story reaching some sort of pinnacle or resolution, it's a bust.

"He said bust, mate!"

The ending fell a bit flat and left me fairly unsatisfied. It made sense, and I get why it ended like it did, but I guess I kept waiting for some kind of big payoff, and I never got one. Then again, the whole movie didn't have much of a plot to begin with.

High fashion.

Am I crazy, or did this movie have a mildly homophobic streak running through it? More than once Tony trolled the neighborhood Gay Nightclubs, brought a guy home, and ended up doing him in as if to say "they had it coming to them. " It's probably just that the character himself has some unresolved Homosexuality issues, but it just felt harsh to me.

And for the record, the Devil is a top. Always. Never forget that.

Told ya so.

There isn't much, but what we do get is stark and morbidly creepy. The disposing of the bodies is especially realistic, and made me swear off of chopped meat for a while.

Ugh.

Other than a shirtless leather bear in bed, and a scantily-clad hooker, we get none of the naked goods.

It's always the quiet ones. Also, don't pick on the quiet ones.

Watch out, gay dude, it's a trap!

I guess I was expecting more from this one, and it's probably my own fault that I didn't love Tony like I thought I would. It was good, it hit the right chords as far as being creepy and disturbing, but it felt so understated to me that it lost a lot of the impact that I believe it could have had. I'd say this one is a missed step or two from being a modern day classic. For shame. Still, it's absolutely worth a look, so do yourself a favor and check it out on DVD.

C+

Do random television checks actually happen in England? Do they actually give out citations to appear in court if you don't have a license for your telly? I don't believe it...

Some posters that intrigue us...

With so many horror flicks out there, it's hard to know what to take a chance on (we get confused easily.) In most cases, aside from reviews and buzz, it's the poster/box cover that arouses our curiosity and sucks us in. Here are a few that have been arousing us lately... Vampegeddon- This movie looks more like Whore-geddon, and we likey. Chloe- Who cares what the movie is about... look at that face! Especially those soft, supple lips. And if you are familiar at all with Amanda Seyfried, you know she has groovy boobs too. Plus, Liam Neeson instantly makes any movie he's in better, so we must see this movie. Bottomfeeder- The retro feel of this poster makes us smile. The fact that it's by the creators of Black Devil Doll makes us wonder if it will be anything more than mildly amusing, cheesy schlock. Babysitter Wanted- Sold! Splice- That's a great looking, clever little poster. We can't wait to meet Dren on June 4th. I Spit on Your Grave- Yay, another remake of a classic (that's debatable) 70's horror flick. Awesome poster, but I have a feelig this will be far less satisfying than last years Last House on the Left remake was...

Review: Vertige (2010)

When I first saw the trailer for Vertige, I don't know why, but I somehow got it in my head that it would be like The Descent but on a mountaintop. I could swear I remember them getting to the top of an isolated mountain and finding some Descent-like creatures waiting for them, and having to fend them off. They so could have called it The Ascent to be clever... 

Anywho, I was wrong. Vertige (The Ascent) was about a group of smarmy French kids who drive to Croatia to climb a dangerous mountain, because they're idiots. Of course they can't just climb, have a laugh and go home... no. They have to enter the Forbidden Zone and take the climbing trail which was "closed for repairs," which of course lands them in all sorts of trouble, mostly involving some Mutoid Croatian Mountain Cannibal-guy, and of course, gravity. Murder ensues.

This movie had some stunning photography.

The first half of this movie was breathtaking, showing us all sorts of death-defying mountain climbing in a gorgeous locale, all with perfect scenery. Where the movie loses it, aside from the characters being morons, is once the "killer" shows up and starts picking them off, one by one. It has all been done before, and better, and just felt a bit uninspired. The killer himself looked a little too plain, which I guess is more realistic plot-wise, but it kinda sucked. There was some decent gore towards the end, but the best part of the movie was really everything to do with the climbing itself.

Gorgeousness and beautifulosity.

It wasn't bad, but I'm not sure I'd make the stretch and call it good. If you like the average Backwoods Cannibal stalk-n-slash flick, then you will most likely dig this movie. If you get tired of the same old thing, skip it. I also think that anyone who truly loves mountain climbing would loves this movie, especially in the early going. 

The first half of the movie and it's grand visuals, A
The second half of the movie and it's trite, overdone storyline, C- 

In parting, I have to say that Fanny Valette is pretty hot, aside from her name being Fanny. It would be perfect though, if her name was Fanny Melons. That's funny because she has a nice butt and boobs.

Review: Legion (2010)

... is that it wasn't as bad as I had been led to believe.

The first time I saw the trailer for Legion, my geek-meter went into overdrive and I hit the roof, and I was left needing to see this Angelic Apocalypse flick asap. When it hit theaters, our very own Machine got to check it out before I did, and reported back that he was not thrilled with the final result. Apparently he was not the only one, as it met with plenty of lukewarm reviews.

The less-than-stellar reviews the film garnered saddened me. It also made me not see it in Theaters and wait for the DVD release, because I'm moody like that.

She's even moodier than I am.

Months after the fact, as it hit DVD, I had to get a copy and find out for myself, despite everyone telling me not to waste my time... and I found that it really didn't waste my time.

The premise of God sending his angels to destroy mankind is an excellent one, and quite compelling whether you are a religious person or not. I was hoping to see a bloody culling of mankind by swooping legions of angels, but I instead only got to see Michael and Gabriel go at it, which was fun, but not as grand as I had imagined.

It was grand enough, though.

Paul Bettany is awesome as Michael in this, as he has a natural intensity about him that just screams bad-ass, and L O S T's Kevin Durand is equally as bad-ass as the human-hating Gabriel. Adrianne Palicki looks hot as the knocked up slut whose baby just might save mankind, Tyrese is pretty good as the cool black guy. The kid who plays Jeep is just about as effective as he was in Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (not very), and Dennis Quaid is just Dennis Quaid.

Just run.

All in all, the cast did a pretty good job. Except Jeep. The action was awesome, the Demons were pretty creepy, and the Angelic scenes were, well, Angelic. It was a little looser in some places than I would have liked, and it wasn't even close to being epic, but it was pretty fun, and definitely worth a watch.

Don't drink the Haterade that other's will offer you regarding this movie, and see it when you get the chance.

B-

Did I mention how hot Adrianne Palicki is? Well she is, and so is Willa Holland.