Review: Daybreakers (2010)

"The first horror flick of the new decade is here, and it's... pretty good!"

In Attendance- Me, Machine, Dave and... Machine's Dad?!?
Cast Members of Note- Ethan Hawke, Sam Neill, Willem Dafoe, Claudia Karvan and the HOT as all hell Isabel Lucas.

Daybreakers begins with a scene showing a cute little girl committing suicide by setting herself on fire. From that point on, any illusions we had about this movie being some cheesy romantic turd pile like Twilight, went right out the window. Thank God.

"Maybe we could kill Edward Cullen with fire?"

In 2019, Vampires rule the earth. The few humans that are left either hide out to avoid becoming food, or are hooked to machines and farmed for their blood, thus becoming food. So, either way, food. Problems with this genius system arise when the Vampires realize that soon, there won't be any humans left to milk, and they will all be screwed. Why are they screwed you ask? Well because without blood to sustain them, the bloodsuckers will become half-Vampire, half-mongoloid atrocities.

Vampoloid.

Not wanting to turn into uncivilized monsters, there are those amongst the Vamps that are trying to find a cure for their "condition." One of them (Ethan Hawke), along with the help of Elvis and some hot chick, race against all time and hope to find a cure for Vampirism and save the world, and reestablish the dominance of the Human Race. Lead by Ethan Hawke. Think about that one. Ethan Hawke is humanity's only hope. Yeah.

"Yeah! Go kick some ass... Ethan Hawke?"

Daybreakers was a pretty damn decent Vampire movie. Not only did it offer us a ton of blood and gore, but the look and feel of the everyday Vampire Society was really interesting to witness. I expected more action, and a little more Vampire badness, but overall it worked with what it was trying to achieve; a look at a normal, average Vampire Society, if such a thing is possible.

Willem Dafoe and Sam Neill are great in this one too, but then when are they ever not great? They're so good that they even made me believe that Ethan Hawke was good too, which he kinda was. Wow, I just said that. You win this round, Ethan Hawke.

He always plays an awesome bad guy.

Jump scares. Do we really need a bat to suddenly fly into the camera, accompanied by a sharp and loud musical cue, only to fly out of the camera just as quickly? Oh, that's real scary. This movie certainly didn't need any of that crap, and it made me wince in shame and pain, more than once.

That CGI fire was cool though.

I'm a bit upset that Isabel Lucas didn't get more screen time. She's so cute, and her character could have been so much more integral to the plot instead of just showing up and being rushed out of the storyline. Did I mention how adorably cute she was?

Like she reads books LOL

 

Vampire suicide, exploding Vampires, Vampire vomiting, staking, decapitation, pouring blood, dripping blood, splashing blood... in short, yes, it's all kinds of gory.

Gore is good. Gore works.

We get some human boobage, but it's not very sexy or hot.

"Living in a world where Vampires are the dominant species is about as safe as bare-backing a 5 dollar whore." Classic.

He's laughing, you just can't tell.

Ethan Hawke doesn't suck as much as we originally believed. Also, Vampires are people too. But not really.

Also, vampire children are really unsettling to look at.

Aside from the fact that we expected to see an all out Vamp vs. Human war, and didn't, this was a pretty enjoyable bloodsucker flick. The premise was interesting, and the blood flowed freely, which is really all we can really ask from a movie like this. It could have been a bit tighter in places, but all in all if you dig Vampires, you'll probably dig this movie. Check it out if it's still in a Theater near you.

B-

Daybreakers is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Well hello there, Isabel Lucas.

Review: Kill Theory (2010)

In Attendance- Me. Machine, Erin, and The VG.
Cast Members of Note- Agnes Bruckner, Taryn Manning, the "new to me" hotness of Ryanne Duzich, and Waingro himself, Kevin Gage!

A bunch of Yuppie Larvae head out into the woods (of course) to celebrate their impending College graduation, which involves beer, guns, slutty chicks in bikinis, sex and an oiled-up silk pillow case race through a pool of JELL-O... and also a creepy killer who wants them all to kill each other by 6 A.M.

Were I him, I'd kill her with my sex.

They are instructed to bump each other off or all be killed as punishment, and so they do. It's kind of sad to me that friends and lovers turn on each other when threatened with painful death; I mean, I'd kill all of my friends, slowly and painfully, but I'd be real sad about it. Or maybe not. Hell, it makes for a fun game I guess... Either way, betrayal and painful death ensue.

I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that the last person alive isn't who I thought it'd be, and the "twist" at the end was cool, without being too crazy unbelievable.

Who gave the dumb blonde the gun?!?

Finally, a stalk-and-slash movie that didn't leave me feeling just mostly satisfied, or vaguely pissed off. It was lean, mean, well-paced, well-written and the actors all did a great job. Oh, and it's a little bit messed up and bloody too. Did I mention that I thought the ending was perfect too?

This was just a well-made movie, with some hot chicks and some good kills, and I for one hope it gets a theatrical release before hitting DVD. I know it was made in 2007, and obviously went through some re-shoots, but this movie is so much better than most of the genre dreck that we tend get in Theaters... like The Spirit, Saw 53, Disaster Movie... are those all Lionsgate films? Oops.

Get on the damn stick, Lionsgate! Don't "Meat Train" this movie!

Hey Lionsgate, would you help us bury her like you bury all of your cool Horror movies? Thanks.

Am I crazy or did I not catch Carly Pope in this movie? This movie obviously underwent some pretty big re-shoots and endured a lot of trimming, but I wanna know what was cut and why! Like the different killer! The movie rocked with the changes that were made, but I'm just really curious to see the cut stuff.

*Addendum: Carly Pope was in a picture shown at the beginning of the movie. wow. 

Not in the movie, dammit!

Once again, the tight-bodied slutty chick denies the Token Fat Guy a piece of tail, just because he's geeky, socially awkward, and can only seem to generate chemistry with baked goods. Especially pie. It's discrimination I tell you!

They're all laughing at the idea that any of them would bang him.

Shovel violence, eye violence, some neato knife violence, man-bear trap violence... this movie has some pretty wicked and bloody kills!

We get one pair of boobs for a second of two, and Ryanne Duzich gets pretty skimpy too, though only teases us in the end.

That's the goosd stuff.

"Deep down, we're all killers" or "That's called closure."

Oh dude, I am sooo with you!

Women never forget once you've cheated... never! Also, don't trust your friends, they'll kill you if they can.

This is not the time for romance, dickhead.

Yes, I added two pluses to the grade; I need to see it again before I decide if it's classic enough for an A- grade, so for now, it's a B+, and then some.

This was a bad-ass little Survival/Slasher flick, that didn't make me scream at the screen 20 times... well, other than the occasional "show your boobs!" I don't know when it's coming out, either Theatrically or on DVD, but see it when it does.

B++

Kill Theory is available now on DVD and VOD.

Taryn Manning is in this, and she brought along some of her sexy friends too.

Review: Forget me Not (2010)

"Disclaimer: Though this review makes multiple less-than-flattering references to whores and sluts, we here at THC fully support whores and sluts in all of their forms. Carry on..."

Cast Members of Note- Carly Schroeder, Cody Linley, Brittany Renee Finamore, Micah Alberti, and the hot as balls Brie Gabrielle.

A group of kids decide to play an innocent game of "Ghost in the Graveyard" and end up giving the local creepy kid a seizure, scaring her into a coma. On purpose. Aren't kids cute/assholes?

Creepy kid.

Years later, the same group of asshole kids are now asshole teenagers, and are getting ready to head off to College and start their lives as asshole adults. Now, instead of silly childhood games, they play things like "Drink to excess," "I'm a total whore," and "Let's drink to excess, because I'm a total whore."

Drink up, total whore.

In a moment of fond recollection, they decide to get loaded and head back to the old graveyard for one more game of "Ghost in the Graveyard." This time however, the annoying jerks rouse the ire of a vengeful spirit, which is hell-bent on offing them one by one, ala the game itself. Except it's real. But like the game. Real though. I'm sure you get it.

Tag, they're it!

Only the virginal princess knows what's happening to them, and of course her friends all think she's bat-shit crazy, which makes them all even more annoying and disposable. Can she stop the game in time to save her friends? Will everyone die, leaving her insane and alone? Will any of the hot chicks get naked and stop teasing us? Maybe, maybe not. I'll say no more.

"Who you callin' virginal?"

This movie is essentially one big game of Ghost in the Graveyard, but real life creepy-style. A mixture of your typical Teen Slasher and your equally-as-typical Asian ghost story, Forget Me Not is better than I thought it would be, but not quite as good as I'd hoped.

The movie is pretty, everyone in the movie is pretty, the story is fairly interesting and the premise well done, and had it been "scary" at all, I would have loved it to pieces. As it stands though, it's a mostly entertaining flick that won't make you unhappy to waste an hour and a half on.

She is about to be "it"... forever!

This movie felt too tame for all of its slutty characters and bloody death scenes. Had it pushed the envelope just a bit more, it could have been something special. Too tame! 

Yes, by "push the envelope" we mean get naked.

This movie is filled with whores, whores, whores. Screwing this one, screwing that one, sitting around in large groups and talking about who they've screwed before... in front of their boyfriends. Even with all of their free-spirited sass, none of them got naked!

"Get naked for you? Right! lol"

Surprisingly, this one had some cool kills and a decent amount of blood. I'm most partial to the industrial machine death myself.

A young Bella Thorne.

Boo! With all of the hot, nubile, slutty girls in this movie, are you telling me we can't get one naked boob? WTF?!

Tease!

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, release the one ignored by heaven... 8, 9, 10, now run and hide or join her at the devil's side... 11 comes, the clocks will chime, forgotten souls erased by time... Midnight comes it's not too late, so kill the ghost or seal your fate!"

Yeah, that rhyme means you're doomed.

Holy shit is that Christopher Atkins?!? And that one other guy who I've seen in some stuff from the 80's? I guess that this teaches us that B-movie actors never truly die. Also, never pick on the sick, creepy kid, or you will pass away

Just like that.

Forget Me Not was a decent effort, hampered only by being too tame and not being all that scary. That aside, it's a fun way to spend a couple of hours, especially if you like movies filled with pretty people behaving badly. How can you not love that?

B

Forget Me Not is available now on DVD, and VOD.

I am in love. Yes, Again.