Quick Review: Jennifer's Body (2009)

All in all, this wasn't a totally horrendous movie; it looked good, Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried looked GOOD-GOOD, it even had a very nice lesbian kiss & grope scene between the two lead Hotties... in the end though, this movie was truly doomed by the awful writing of Diablo Colby, or whatever her name is.

Devil Coby's writing (mostly when it comes to dialogue and monologue) is so callow, annoying, putrid, and painful to listen to, that I have no choice to assume that she's decided to use her writing to spark trendy new buzz-words and phrases, with just about every other line.

Does no one have the courage to tell Devil Coby that no one talks like that unless they're 14-years-old or mentally slow? By trying to show how hip and "in touch" she is with the Tween world, she proves just how much she really isn't.

What the fuck are you smiling at?

Here are a few examples of her horrendous dialogue:

• "I need you hopeless." (What? Who the fuck says that?)
• "You need a mani-pedi bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation." (Maybe the perfect example of Cody's suck.)
• *Pointing at boobs* "These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real." (Do kids who talk like this really not know how lame they sound?)
• "I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must have had sex with a blowhole or something." (What does this even mean?)
• [Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] "Got a tampon?" (Oh, that's funny. I get it.) 
• "You're totally lesbi-gay." (Stop making up words and phrases! Right now!)

UGH.

It's really better to mute the movie and just watch it and try to guess what's happening, rather than suffer through the trendy crap that Coby's characters spew. The story itself was cheesy and predictable, but at least the actors made it far more interesting than it should have been. Yes, even Megan Fox, and we all know she can't act her way out of a dirty hamper.

This scene was pretty good at least.

Again, unless you're a Teen who hasn't developed taste yet, or a mentally-challenged adult, skip this one when it hits DVD. You won't be missing a thing. Except the kissing scene, which was seriously fantastic.

This movie sucked, but at lest Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox looked good. That's something.

DVD Reveiw: Paranormal Activity (2007/2009)

"A creepy breath of fresh air, that's what this movie is."

In Attendance- Me, Machine, Karrie, Dave, and Mrs. Machine.
Cast Members of Note- Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat.

Katie and Micah are a sweet, All-American couple living the American Dream except for the fact that Katie is haunted by a ghost. For me that's the end of any relationship, but then again I'm really scared of ghosts. I'm sorry, but love can not defeat an angry spirit!

Sorry Katie, but you gots to go!

They eventually set up a camera to record their room at night, because too many creepy things are happening and they want some sort of an explanation. Things get so bad that they are forced to call in a ghost psychic, which does absolutely no good at all because he gets scared and leaves. Hint, hint, Micah.

How many hints do you need!

A Ouija Board and a few YouTube videos later, Micah tries to karate fight the ghost, which only serves to piss it off even more. I won't spoil any more of what happens here, but suffice it to say that ghosts hate you, and they have no problems showing it. They won't even let you get the proper amount of sleep, and that is true hate.

She can't even sleep during the day. Poor Katie.

This was a really good movie; creepy, well-made for its minuscule budget, well acted, and did I mention creepy? Now, I won't say that it's the creepiest thing I've ever seen, but it delivers plenty of scares with minimalism and subtlety. I can see how some might love PA, while others might hate it. Kinda just like it was with Blair Witch.

I'm not sure which version is better, the 2007 original or the 2009 Theatrical, which have different scenes and endings, though I might lean towards the Theatrical version because the ending and daytime scenes were kinda cool. It's nice to see something original make it to theaters, and especially to see the "little guy" kick the crap out of the latest, needless SAW movie.

This is an exclusive still of a deleted scene from Paranormal Activity. Chilling.

It's absolutely frustrating that it takes so long for a movie like this, or Trick r' Treat, or All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (which still isn't out in the U.S.) to be released, when so many other sub-par Horror flicks get released in their stead. Studio politics be damned I say!

"The ghost is in your shirt... I'll grab him!"

What kind of a dumb ass taunts evil spirits? Come on Micah, you can't win when you essentially challenge a frigging demon to a fight, and why in the hell would you want to rile it up anyway? Be nice, offer it cookies or something, but don't dare it to fight you!

Stop poking the bear, Micah!

There's a little bit of the nasty stuff in this one, but this movie really isn't about all of that. Plus, there are varying amounts of violence depending on which version were talking about. Yes, there are actually 3 cuts of the movie out there...

Katie Featherston does not unleash her sweater puppies, which is nearly criminal, because they look like they'd be superb if unleashed.

Yes Katie, I'm talking about your boobs, and I'm not sorry!

If your girlfriend is haunted, dump her. It's really for the best. Also, don't taunt the ghosts. What are you, insane?

Ain't love grand?

People will either love Paranormal Activity's subtle build and quietly creepy atmosphere, or they will call it boring and lame. I, for the most part, think it was highly effective and enjoyable, especially since it had such a tiny budget. It's nice to see a movie that isn't all jump scares and music cues, and that succeeds by making the most of its own rules. If you haven't already, you really should check it out... especially since there are already talks of a sequel.

B+

Paranormal Activity is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

We admire Katie Featherston and her acting talents. Her lovely, lovely acting talents.

Quick Review: Crush (2009)

Julian is an American student who is house-sitting for a family in Australia, when he meets a hot chick, bangs her, and then she somehow ends up haunting his dreams... until the last few minutes of the movie where she goes from sexy to creepy, and tries to kill him. In the real world.

This movie was a confusing mess. So was Anna a ghost for real, or just in his dreams? And if she only appeared in his dreams, who sent him the email? Did he bang a ghost, or did he just dream about banging a ghost?

Don't ask us. We just work here.

WTF is going on in this movie?

I'm not sure what they were going for with this movie, but it wasn't until the last 5 minutes that the "scary" stuff actually began. It's not a bad movie, as it's fairly well made, it's just more of a case of too little too late. It's also a case of following a boring, predictable formula. It did have some hot Aussie chicks in it though (which was nice), the soundtrack was pretty solid, and the creepy FX towards the end were fun, it was just really bland overall.

D

The movie should have had of this from the beginning. It would have been better off for it.

At least this movie gave us three hot Aussie chicks to keep our eyes happy.

Quick Review: Stan Helsing (2009)

A bunch of morons take a Halloween night detour to a town that is besieged by classic Horror killers, where they are forced to do battle with them or somethimg. And of course the name Stan Helsing is a subtle clue that the loser is somehow a monster hunter by birthright...

Screw the plot, I just can't talk about it.

Good parody movies are an extremely rare animal these days. For every Airplane, Spaceballs, or Robin Hood: Men in Tights, we are forced to endure shitty, un-funny alternatives like A Haunted House or Meet the Spartans. Hollywood just can't seem to make a funny parody flick anymore, and what's worse is they don't seem to care to; there are always plenty of dimwits willing to pay to see the unfunny crap, so why even bother to try?

Why?!?

You can tell the filmmakers made Stan Helsing with good intentions, but it's so poorly executed and ridiculous, that we don't care how good the intentions were. The road to Hell is paved with them, you know.

I guess if you like simple-minded, sloppy, painfully un-funny, insultingly bad shit-fest parodies, then you will probably think that Stan Helsing is a real hoot! It's not, but you'll think it is. But it's not.

No. Just, no.

I can give the filmmakers some credit, on some level, for trying to make a fun Horror spoof, but it really wasn't funny at all. I mean, the kid from Good Burger? No. And what a waste of Diora Baird and her awesome assets. Some people will no doubt like this movie, I just won't ever be one of them.

Diora Baird and Desi Lydic are in this.