The 31 Days of Horror- #11

"One of the best werewolf movies ever, and one of the worst vampire movies ever made..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: Though it may seem like no more than a Syfy Channel movie to the casual observer, this is a modern day classic without a doubt. Dog Soldiers can proudly say it belongs along side of An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, and Silver Bullet as one of the few truly excellent Werewolf movies ever made. Yeah I know many will say Lon Chaney this, or Ginger Snaps that, but really, you can keep the cheese and teen angst and give me some bad-ass looking, mean-spirited Lycanthropes any day. Finally, after so long, a movie does Werewolves the complete justice that they deserve, and keeps us on the edge of our seats all the while. It's well made, stylish, bloody, action packed and fun. If you hunger for a real Werewolf movie, then this is a must see.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: This movie (and book series) sells Teen girl pretty short in my opinion. Here we have an utterly confused girl who falls for a creepy, stalker-ish guy, despite his admitting to murdering people and wanting to drink her blood, thereby putting her life, as well as those of her family, in mortal danger... All for love? Of course it's a deep, soul-searing love that feverishly blooms at first sight, because love has nothing to do with getting to know someone over time... it's based on staring at each other. I mean the guy is a 100+ year old man, in the body of a Teenager, and he's in love with a 17-year-old girl... Is that not a pedophile? But it's ok because he looks 17? Also, the Vampires in this movie glitter. They also go to High School, have the option of living off of Animal Blood, stare blankly, look utterly non-menacing when angered/ready to fight, and suck.

This is a story for underdeveloped minds, plain and simple.

The 31 Days of Horror- #12

A truly original and unsettling monster flick, and another f'ing WB/Abercrombie inspired horror movie..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: The creature in this movie, and the things it does to a human body are a thing of brilliance; The cracking and breaking, the lumbering around with a broken body, in search of its next meal/host... You can only catch quick shots of the creature, but when you do, it more than gets its point across.

Splinter is a pretty good effort that manages to deliver some creepy atmosphere and tense moments, complimented by some pretty intense gore effects... not to mention the hotness of Jill Wagner, who can actually act as well.

The Train Wreck: 
The Master says: Ok fine, the original Prom Night isn't one of the greatest classic 80's slashers, but it's hell and gone better than this predictable snooze-fest. Another one for the kiddies, this movie is devoid of anything resembling a scare. I did like the hot chicks, but even they weren't enough to save this movie from its own ridiculous and 100% predictable plot. Horror of the 80's was fairly predictable too sometimes, but wasn't there more of a payoff back then? Didn't they actually scare us, or gross us out or something? Making the killer visible and more of a "normal" guy was a big mistake here...

Quick Review: iMurders (2008)

Ooh, the evils of Internet sex! So basically, Chat Rooms are evil and make men want to have sex with younger, hotter women, which drives the older, not-hotter wives insane to the point of killing. Really? A "chat room whore" revenge movie?

There is a hell of a lot of acting talent to be found here; Tony Todd, William Forsythe, Gabrielle Anwar, Frank Grillo, Charles Durning, Lando Calrissian... all of them have crazy talent. Too bad they're in such a shit movie.

It honestly felt like everyone who was in this movie appeared as a favor for a friend's kid or something. Lame, generic, and poorly-executed, do yourself a favor and skip iMurders

Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about iMurders:

William Forsythe is awesome.

Hot Cop.

Tony Todd is THE MAN.

Gabrielle Anwar is a QT.

Miranda Kwok's lesbian scene.

At least this movie has some hot chicks going for it...

Quick Review: Live Animals (2008)

"Every year, millions of people go missing, and as it turns out, many of them are found alive and well in shitty Horror movies like this one."

Live Animals is the story of five friends who after a night of partying, wake up to find themselves chained up in some backwoods hick's barn in Cousin Fuck, Arkansas. They're about to be "Broken" like horses, which probably involves rape and torture of some kind, and so there's a lot of moaning and screaming and crying. And sex slavery.

This movie is dark, blurry, and hard to visibly follow, which is alright with us, because it's such a horrible movie, that we weren't particularly interested in being able to follow it anyway. The story is poor, the acting is poor, and not even the nudity and gore made it interesting for us. If you dig poorly-made Torture Porn though, knock yourself out.

Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about Live Animals:

*We really don't have many good things to say about this movie, but we'll try.

Human horses are cool?

We felt bad for her.

She looked good.

He was a real good henchman.

His dedication to his craft.

Learyn Wilde is in this.

Quick Review: Evilution (2008)

This poster is so misleading that it might be illegal. There are no epic battles involving planes, napalm, or even a ton of gun-play in this movie. No, in fact this movie is about an Army guy that steals a zombie drug and hides out in the barrio. Yeah.

A bunch of stereotypical Latino gang members say things like "vato" and "holmes" a lot, the "Zombies" do back flips, ho's do sexy dances, and I fell asleep.  

Sandra Ramirez being absolutely smoking hot may be reason enough to at least fast forward through this one though. That's got to count for something, at least.


Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about Evilution:

The hotness of Sandra Ramirez.

Sluts.

Science?

Random boobs.

Zombie gut-munching.

Eviloution is bad. Not that it totally pissed us off or anything, but it sucked enough that it made us shake our heads a lot. Hardcore zombie fans will probably find something redeeming about this one, but most people will just want their 80 minutes back.

Did we mention the hotness of Sandra Ramirez?

The 31 Days of Horror- #13

Unlucky number 13!

A twisted, twisted story about bad parenting, and Lovecraft gone gay...
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: This is an F'ing sick and twisted movie, and I don't ever want to see it again. If the goal of a horror movie is to disturb us, freak us out, make us say "what the f**k" to the screen multiple times, then cry ourselves to sleep afterward, this movie hits the mark. From about 25 minutes in, this move pours on the dread and tension, and maintains it throughout the rest of the movie... I'm serious when I say I had a constant grimace on my face throughout this one, and for a while after. I remember feeling dirty after seeing Inside last year, and this one made me feel downright filthy.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: HP Lovecraft created a fantastic mythos with Cthulhu and the Ancient Ones which has yet to be captured properly on film. Not only did this movie suck at representing the work of HP Lovecraft, but the producers made the main character gay to show how horrific it is to be gay in a small town? Keep your politics out of Horror please, or at least make a good, compelling movie that's actually about what it's supposed to be about, and then add the gay suffrage crap in after. This movie was slow, boring, devoid of any kind of tension... What an absolute butchering of the name Cthulhu and of the work of HP Lovecraft.