DVD Review: Halloween (2007)

"On the eve of Halloween 2, I thought it was only fitting to gather and watch Zombie's first stab at the series."

Cast Members of Note- Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Daeg Faerch, Sheri Moon Zombie, Danielle Harris, Kristina Klebe and Hanna Hall.

Michael Myers is a little blond Danish kid who enjoys torturing animals, taking pictures of their carcasses, and carrying them around in a sack with him. His Mom thinks it's what normal kids do, and since their entire family is nothing more than stereotypical whiskey-tango trash, maybe she's right.

Adorable.

It's all a moot point anyway, because eventually he graduates to killing people (starting with his whore sister and trashy step-dad), gets locked up in the unsane asylum, and turns into a painter. Mask maker. Whatever, He paints the f'ing masks. 

See?

After 20 years Dr. Loomis can't seem to cure Michael's insanity, so he tells him that they aren't friends anymore. That brilliant move prompts him to kill a bunch of guards and hospital staff, escape, and head back to Haddonfield to kill his other whore sister. In Laurie's defense, she was a baby when Michael knew her, so she couldn't really have been a whore, but she sure has the makings of one once she's all grown up. We know what she wants to do with Ben Tramer! 

I think we all know what happens from here on out.

This remake is no way even close to what the 1978 original was, in any way... but with that being said, this is also an effective, if not flawed, remake that packs a nice punch and delivers the goods. This is a brutal, skanky, visceral version of Halloween, filled with sex, foul language, and the "colorful" characters that are staples in Zombie's movies. 

Where the original was more subtle, atmospheric and terrifying, this version is more violent, chaotic and tension filled. Daeg Faerch is a great little Michael, and Tyler Mane is equally as good as the grown-up version, but the original Loomis and Laurie just can't be touched, though it's no fault of Malcolm McDowell or Scouty Compton. With Linda, it's pretty much a tie, because I dig Kristina Klebe.

Don't you kill my boo!

Michael, why would you kill Danny Trejo like that? He's never been anything but nice to you!

Also, why did you kill my boo!

Ok Rob Zombie, we get it; Michael Myers is a poor white trash kid with issues because he's got a stripper mom, an abusive step-dad, and a whore sister. You didn't need to make the first ten minutes of your movie near-unwatchable just to drive your point home... over, and over, and over again. Really, if the movie started at the school, it would be better off for it.

This is the face of white trash?

The blood flows freely in this one, and we're treated to some really nice kills. The best part of it all is that when the chicks get killed in this, they're all naked/topless and blood covered! You don't see that very often anymore in bigger studio pics. Kudos, Rob Zombie.

Her, you can kill.

Sheri Moon Zombie might not get naked (she never does!), but this movie has all sorts of skin on display; Danielle Harris, Kristina Klebe, and Hanna Hall all show their goods.

If you look closely, you can see the haunting image of Kristina's ass. And a ghost.

"As a matter of fact... I do believe it was" or "I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch!"

Parents are to blame for their kids turning out like shit. Also, If you have sex, you're going to be stabbed to death. 

OMG! Orbs are real! Or not.

This is good stuff, especially if you like your Horror mean spirited and rough. Zombie took an institution and gave it a different spin, and it mostly worked. If not for the awful beginning scene, I may have been tempted to give it an A-... maybe.

B+

Halloween is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

I love you, Kristina Klebe. Danielle, Scouty, and Hannah, you're hot too, but I love you too, but only as friends. 

This is like a trifecta of hot ass.

Review: Beautiful (2009)

"This movie is worth seeing for the sprinkler scene alone."

Cast Members of Note- Sebastian Gregory, Tahyna Tozzi, Asher Keddie, and Peta Wilson.

As some creepy Tim Burton-esque music begins, we're told by voice over that not all is well in Australian suburbia; 2 pretty schoolgirls have gone missing, only to show up sliced to bits, a third is still missing, and the creepy neighbor kid is stalking yet another local girl. The lesson here is that it doesn't pay to be a nubile young Hottie down under. 

In cases like this, I fully endorse stalking.

The creepy neighbor kid eventually falls under the spell of the local whore, who sends him on a mission to uncover the neighborhood's darker side, and oh does he ever find it; subversive sex, old men masturbating, inappropriate dad-daughter relations, leathery rugger-bugger parties... Australia is one creepy/fun place. 

"You rush blindly into potential danger while I wait safely at home, k?"

Along the way, creepy neighbor kid discovers that one of their neighbors (the one that lives in the creepy house at the end of the creepy block) is a convicted pedo, and just might be up to his  murderous and raper-ous ways again. Will their snooping around get them into a mess that they can't escape from? Yes, yes I'd say that's fairly accurate. 

Relax, he just wants you to help him find his puppy.

I love the look of this movie which lends itself to the overall feel; everything is gorgeous and lush, with a heavy undercurrent of tainted darkness. This portrait of the suburban dream is unsettling and probably not far off from the truth. It's almost as if the beauty of the movie sucks you in until you're face to face with the ugliness that its hiding, and by that point, it's too late to run. 

This is basically a twisted coming of age story (as well as a meditation on how suburbia is all sorts of sketchy), demonstrating how a 14-year-old boy's hormones can and often do lead them right into all sorts of trouble. The acting helped drive the message home with some nice work by the leads, especially Peta Wilson. She's fantastic here. 

I liked the whole point of the movie, and I like how the director got us to "fall for it" too; all of the rumor, innuendo, paranoia, and the dynamic of a suburban neighborhood and the weight of its gossip... but the ending left me with questions.

Congratulations, you're a whore!

Thanks to this movie, I will never look at a sprinkler the same way again. I feel bad for my grass.

Trouble comes in all flavors, including wet.

I don't know what's worse; women using their sexuality to control the planet, or us men letting them get away with it. Either way, one this is certain... the power of the kitty is evil! 

Evil, evil little puss!

Not that kind of flick, I'm afraid. One scene of violence is about all that we get.
   

This movie just oozes sexuality, and some of it of the creepy variety, but we get only a small bit of actual skin.

Why is he looking at her face?

"What did you do to her?"

Suburban Australia is creepy. Also, snooping only leads to trouble.

Snoop.

This was a really well made movie, and though the ending left me with a few questions, the payoff was interesting. Definitely worth a spin on DVD when you get the chance.

B+

Beautiful is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

Noice. (That's Australian for "Nice.")

DVD Review: Black Sheep (2006)

"This is one baaaad-ass movie!"

In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The VG and Cherrie.
Cast Members of Note- Nathan Meister, Peter Feeney, Danielle Mason, Tammy Davis, and a flock of insane killer sheep!

When a man suffering from a severe phobia of sheep returns to his childhood home (which also happens to be a sheep farm), baaad things happen. You see, his evil brother who now runs the farm, has been doing DNA experiments on the sheep, trying to cross-breed them with humans... I guess that's what made them go insane! 

"Baaa baaa ba ba baaa baaa!!!!!!!"

It doesn't help that big bro likes to bugger the sheep either, which I'm sure makes them hate humans even more. With a bunch of mongoloid and bat-shit-crazy sheep running around killing anything not woolen, it's up to a rag-tag group of heroes to save the day... and all of New Zealand? It might have been Australia, not sure. Kiwi, Aussie... I get confused.

With the memory of Sherry Lewis' death just too much to bear anymore, Lambchop snapped, and joined the fracas.

Will the angry, infected sheep bite the whole town and turn them all into mutant mongoloid sheep-man things? Will we ever find out what would possess someone to name their daughter Experience? Will a sheep bite someone's wankus clean off? I won't spoil what comes next for you here, but trust me when I say that it would have been better for all had they just gotten the flock out of there. Flock. Get it?

Were-sheep? There sheep!

Say what you will about this movie being silly, cheesy, etc... but Black Sleep was all kinds of awesome. The concept of evil sheep is just nuts, but the way that the film makers seemed to almost be playing it straight made it work perfectly. If you like tongue-in-cheek Horror that will make you laugh until you cry, then this movie is right up your alley. Oh, and the last frame of the movie topped the whole thing off perfectly. 

Just looking at this picture makes us laugh. A lot.

Just how much did that cab ride end up costing?  

Too much. It cost far too much.

Man-on-sheep love is never a good idea... I don't care how lonely the prairie gets. And no, going hoof to mouth is never acceptable! 

Little does she know it, but Snowflake is about to get the ole' rugger-bugger!

Sheep rape (both ways), mass sheep-on-human violence, mass human-on-sheep violence, fresh haggis being prepared... this movie delivers the wet, red goods!

Was it rape?

None, unless you count freshly shorn sheep as "nudity."  

"I'm not a tree. I'm a fucking sheep!" or "You Baaastard!" or "A sheep just ate Angus's Wangus!" This movie is filled with great comedic lines.

I have no words.

Being a shepherd is a dangerous job. Also, Sheep can drive cars!

Cotton-Neck bleated like crazy as he drove himself off of the cliff, but it was all for naught. R.I.P. Cotton-Neck.

This isn't a tour-de-force in filmmaking or anything, but it is an absolutely insane, fun ride, that will entertain you if you have any semblance of a sense of humor whatsoever. Do yourself a favor and grab a copy of this movie, and enjoy your ass off. Now.

A-

Black Sheep is available no on Blu-ray and DVD.

Here are some more pics from Black Sheep, because who doesn't want some more of Black Sheep?