Quick Review: Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

" A vampire named Saya, who is part of covert government agency that hunts and destroys demons in a post-WWII Japan, is inserted in a military school to discover which one of her classmates is a demon in disguise."

Wow, I can't believe what an awful, laughable, utter mess this movie is. If you see this, you will be angry for having wasted your time. If for some reason you like this, or think it good, then you're most likely slow in the brain.

This movie is just so bad that it makes me sad.

Love that top-notch CGI.

• The acting is atrocious for the most part. Seriously unbelievable. Allison Miller was okay some of the time, but even she was bad. Onegen and the General were amongst the worst performances I've seen all year. Maybe ever.
• The script is just ridiculous. Whoever wrote the dialogue should be ashamed of themselves, and everything that happened in this movie was just laughable. The schoolgirl sword fight was the low-light for me... and that's saying a lot.
• The CGI blood and gore is horrible... is Karo Syrup and red dye too expensive to use in movies these days? I've never seen a worse blood effect in a movie. Ever.

She has the right idea.

Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about MOVIE NAME HERE:

That look.

Some of the visuals.

That hammer.

What?!?

That dramatic tension!

At least Allison Miller is adorable, that's one good thing about this movie.

Horror Hottie- Melissa George

If you don't like awesome boobs, pouty pillow-lips, hot Australian accents, chicks that like to kiss other chicks, awesome boobs, or Horror flicks, then you wont like Mmmelissa George! (For the record, I like all of those things except for the lesbian bit... that's just too chauvinistic and exploitative towards women.)

Mmmelissa George started her Horror Hottie career as a slutty mom in the remake of The Amityville Horror, which also starred fellow Horror Hottie Rachel Nichols.  Both of their performances tugged at our loin-strings, though in the end, Mmmelissa wins because she had a sex scene. I still say that they should duke it out in a pool full of lime Jell-O to decide who's hottest though, because that would be fun on so many different levels.

The babysitter is barely through the door and Mmmelissa is already trying to get her naked.

Turistas was her next film, where she played a bikini-wearing slut who drank too much and hooked up with random tourists. This is where she took her career to a new level, donning next to nothing to broaden her scope as an actress. We give kudos to her brave career choices, especially those which involve little-to-no clothing.

They should totally have a threesome before they jump.

In Waz, she played a cop whose ass looked really, really good in a pair of jeans. Sadly, she showed far less skin in this one than in previous efforts, and it was the beginning of a trend for Mmmelissa, as her next film saw her wearing a snowsuit for most of her screen time... and there's nothing sexy about snowsuits.

Couldn't 30 Days of Night have taken place in the desert? Ugh!

With 30 Days of Night, she fully arrived as a true genre hottie. Again, she didn't get naked, but she still looked really hot, and she carried a gun which just does something to us on a primal level. For the record, we're proud of her for letting Josh Hartnett die at the end too, because who needs him?

Triangle was a fun little time-juxtaposing Thriller, which saw multiple instances of Mmmelissa George facing off against one another... not to keep harping, but again there was no nudity from her, and this movie certainly could have benefited from two or three Mmmelissa George's involved in some sort of sinister group shower scene.

Oh, just shoot her already... she's become a prude.

Mmmelissa George is always showing up in one genre project or another, most of them pretty good, and for that we are thankful. She's one of those actresses working today that you can always count on to look hot while fighting to stay alive, and that's not an easy thing to pull off.

If we had to pick one flick of hers that shows off her scrappy survival skills the best, it would have to be A Lonely Place to Die; girlfriend was climbing mountains and shit while trying to dodge bullets and avoid rapey mountain men, and she did it all while looking perfect.

Now that's class.

This bitch is crazy.

This Australian sexpot may have toned down her on screen sluttiness a bit over the past few years (at least when it comes to her genre projects), but she's still doing her thing and entertaining us. I guess we can live with that, especially from one of the genre's best Millennium Hotties.

Still though, please get naked and bloody again soon, alright Mmmelissa?

Horror Hottie: Some more of Melissa George

Review: Shadow Puppets (2007)

Don't have much to say on this one, as it's slightly less than lukewarm...

Cast Members of Note- Jolene Blalock, James Marsters, Tony Todd and Natasha Alam.

Two people wake up in padded cells, wearing only their undies and having lost their memory; to make matters worse, the Smoke Monster from L O S T is on the loose, and it's hungry for underwear. It's not long before they realize that they're being held against their will in an underground lab of some sorts, along with six other scantily-clad people.

I definitely like the Hanes boy-shorts look.

When they decide to ...angry black guy attack! Holy shit, Candyman just came out of friggin' nowhere and kicked everyone's ass! Anyway, when they decide to explore the creepy lab in an effort to find a way out, they discover that they're screwed. Even the toughness of Candyman is no match for the scary shadows and Smoke Monster.

Set her free. Go ahead.

One by one they're picked off for some unknown reason, and they realize that someone amongst them is behind it all, for an even more unknown reason. Why are they there? Who is the traitor amongst them? Would a long, partner-swapping, group-sex scene save their lives? Who cares about the first two questions, I vote "yes" on the third one.

Is that Spike from Buffy? Times must be really tough...

A few scares, a fairly creepy setting, and a bunch of hot chicks, does not a good Horror movie make. Shadow Puppets is basically an edgier SyFy Channel movie, that will help you pass some time, but won't leave you with very much after you're done watching it. I did like some of the visuals, which manage to give off a pretty creepy vibe at times. The whole "I'm going down that staircase into the darkness, wait here" thing is in full effect in this one, and it works for the most part. The "scantily-clad chicks" thing works very well here too.

Yes, your clothes are missing.

This movie totally ripped off an idea for a game that I have; it's called "Escape From My Bedroom if You Can." It involves drinking, low self-esteem, and twisted curiosity. And leather restraints. I love this game, because I always win.

My room.

I don't know what's worse in this movie; the horrendous overacting or the dialogue. It's really so bad at some points, that I wasn't sure whether to cringe, laugh, or just fall asleep. SyFy material for sure.

That was pretty much our reaction.

Some shadow-impaling and other shadow-violence here and there, but there needed to be lots more of it.

She dead.

This movie is filled with cheesecake galore; girls wearing boy-shorts, tight tank tops (pokies included), and even some naked swimming, and then toweling off. Slowly.

"Yesterday, we were born. Today, we live." Yeah.

99% of hot women are Nymphomaniacs. Also, shadows are real scary.

Nympho.

 

Not a total miss, but certainly not all that good, Shadow Puppets at least gives us some hot chicks to look at. Some of it was decent enough, but for the most part the movie was nothing but poor acting and bad scripting. I can see some people digging this one, but I'm just not one of them.

D+

Look to the post below for more Hottie pics from Shadow Puppets.