Quick Review: Dead Wood (2009)

"Four friends escape the grime of the city and head out into the woods for a peaceful, relaxing weekend. Events take a sinister turn when a mysterious girl appears in their camp looking for her boyfriend. Soon the nightmare begins as they find themselves lost in an endless wilderness stalked by a deadly force. As those left fight for survival they will discover the true nature of fear."

I don't like to shit on the smaller films. I know in a lot of cases that TONS of heart goes into them, but in the end, bad is bad and there's nothing for it but to call it like we see it.

Sorry, Dead Wood.

Camping is terrifying!

•  30 minutes in, and the only thing that has happened is camping.
• Every bit of dialogue in this movie must have been re-dubbed in the studio; it sounded hollow and tinny. The dubbing distracted me the whole time. If I'm wrong, and it's not dubbed, then the sound sucked really bad.
• The acting is pretty bad. The script isn't much better. For these two reasons, it's impossible to give a shit about the characters, and therefore, feel scared for them.
• 1 hour in, more camping, some running, a spinning camera, one creepy scene, and two people disappear. The movie is only 1 hour 25 minutes long.
• Where is the tension? The film crew rustling trees and bushes with their hands doesn't count. Neither does shaking/spinning the camera.
• Whats with a guy being named "Milk" anyways?

Us too, luv.

There are a few bright spots in Dead Wood, but for the most part, NOTHING HAPPENS. The last third of the film starts to deliver a bit more on the Horror promise (especially with some really good FX work), but by then I was just not interested anymore.

Overall it just takes to long to get to the point, and even when it does, it isn't very good. Consider me disengaged.

She's in this, and that's at least a good thing.

Quick Review: Bane (2009)

"A woman awakes in a cell with three others to find she is part of a horrible experiment."

Bane is pretty much a low-grade, incompetent version of Martyrs, and depending on where you stand on that movie... no, it doesn't really matter if you liked Martyrs or not, this is a still a crappy movie.

For lack of a better phrase, Bane seems like it's too far up its own ass for its own good; it's over-long, far too self-important, and it's just a laughable mess of a movie.

They tried though, They tried.

What are those Luchadores doing to her?

• First off, I hate the "handy-cam" look; movies shot with cheap hand-held cameras look cheap and shitty, especially when they're cheap and shitty.
• Second, this movie went on for about 40 minutes too long; it's not like the script was so rich that it needed room to breathe, or that the actors were so dynamic that the director just "let them go" because their brilliance just had to be captured on film... No. It sucked, and dragged on... sloooooowly.
• Third, what a convoluted bunch o' crap.
• Finally... no, I pretty much said everything I have to say about this one. We're done here.

Um... you get an A for effort?

I just couldn't get into this one at all. Maybe it's because I saw Martyrs first, and this movie reminded me on a poor man's version of it, but not really. I don't know, it just sucked.

Kinky.

Quick Review: Terror at Bloodfart Lake (2009

"The Legend of Blood Fart lake is...well...legendary! When a group of college kids head off to their friend's cabin for a little high octane sex weekend they will get more than they bargained for in the form of the evil Scarecrow killer, Jimmy Van Brunt! Seems like no body is safe at spooky cabins in the woods by the lake these days."

I really don't understand the appeal of these kind of micro-budget movies, and it's not because I'm a square, or that I don't get the joke, or that I'm an elitist prick who needs everything to be all perfect and shiny to appreciate it. *For the record, I am an elitist prick, but that's neither here nor there.

Why?

I get that there's a market for this type of poorly-made movie, but good lord even Troma movies have a certain level of quality about them.

A few points about this movie:

• Yes, this movie actually exists.
• This movie may have the worst title in Motion Picture history.
• It's utterly horrible and unwatchable. Painfully so. 
• The "comedy" in this movie is about as funny as watching a bunch on Kindergartners get mauled to death by puppies, and then watching the puppies be set on fire. 

Why?!?

The friends and family of everyone involved in making this movie probably got a kick out of it, but I really don't see how the average person would even be able to make it through 10 minutes before shutting it off in disgust.

Not even the sexy, Scream Queen talents of Nicola Fiore were enough to save this piece of shit.

Quick Review: Parasomnia (2008)

My first instinct was to put this one in the "DO NOT WANT" bin and just forget about it.

I'm not usually a fan of doing that unless necessary, but to write one of our reviews takes between 2-4 hours worth of prep work, research, creating, editing, Googling/IMDB'ing, blah, blah, blah... so when a movie sucks or even kinda sucks, it's hard to muster the energy to put into reviewing it fully, hence why the "DO NOT WANT'S" of the world get such a brief treatment.

So here is a "Quick" version of a real review for Parasomnia, because it's not quite a DO NOT WANT.


In this sinister twist on the Sleeping Beauty legend, an innocent beauty suffering from a rare sleep disorder falls victim to a menacing mesmerist and serial killer who draws his vast arsenal of hypnotic weaponry to take control of her fragile psyche.

The acting was alright, but the script was pretty bad and didn't give anyone much to work with. Jeffrey Combs is always fun to watch. He just flat out rocks. The Serial Killer (Volpe) was pretty cool. He's played by Patrick Kilpatrick who is one of my favorite character actors, and he's truly menacing here. I can't believe he's 60-years-old! Cherilyn Wilson was pretty good too, and also hot. She looks awesome naked. The gore was also fun.

Home improvement gone awry.

Goofy, goofy, goofy. Cheesy at times, even.

The Dreamworld LOL

The CGI was pretty bad. The whole thing where he breaks her out of a mental hospital with ease was just lame, as was a lot of what came after. As for the ending... LOL!

She's not lame though. Not at all.

Some people will like it, some won't at all. I'm just not sure which of those I am. I guess it's best to say that it's suffer-able.

C-

Parasomnia is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Cherilyn Wilson is a Hottie that gets all kinds of naked in this one.. that's a big plus.

Quick Review: Outlander (2009)

"During the reign of the Vikings, Kainan, a man from a far-off world, crash lands on Earth, bringing with him an alien predator known as the Moorwen. Though both man and monster are seeking revenge for violence committed against them, Kainan leads the alliance to kill the Moorwen by fusing his advanced technology with the Viking's Iron Age weaponry."

Vikings vs. an Alien lizard-thing. Is there anything about that sentence that doesn't appeal to you? This movie is basically Predator, but with vikings and a "Space Dragon." Sounds odd, but I'm telling you that this movie is well-made, well-acted, suspenseful, and one a hell of a good Sci-Fi/Horror time.

Kainan!

This movie was a lot of action-filled fun. Jim Caviezel is awesome in this one as the enigmatic Kainan, Sophia Myles is both a hot and bad-ass viking chick, Jack Huston (new to me) was damn good as Wulfric, and John Hurt and Ron Perlman always rock.

I especially liked Perlman as the Viking King; he was more bad-ass than he normally is, and the guy is Hellboy for god's sake!

Vikings are scared of nothing!

If you like Sci-Fi flicks, medieval action flicks, or the "I'm the only one that can save you" Road Warrior-esque types of action flicks, than this is the flick for you. If you don't, then I'm not sure that I want to know you.

B+

Outlander is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Sophia Myles is smoking hot.

Quick Review: Alien Raiders (2009)

"A supermarket full of people is taken hostage by some well trained "Terrorists", who turn out to be "Raiders" of the alien variety; they're after the source of a contagion that could doom mankind, and as rogue scientists, they aren't opposed to cutting off thumbs or hooking aliens on drugs to root out that hidden scourge..."

I thought I'd hate this little Sci-Fi movie right from the get go, and that was based on the title alone; it's a goofy title which screams "I'm a B-movie!" at the top of it's lungs. Thankfully for us, the movie sings a different tune altogether.

What is that?!?

I don't know how some low-budget films "get it," and some don't; because if you do it right, you don't need a ton of money to make a great movie (although it surely helps.) The creators of Alien Raiders seem to understand that though, as they made a movie that was tense, gory, fun, and managed not to do the one thing that MANY, MANY, MANY low budget Sci-Fi/Horror movies do all the time; insult my intelligence and piss me off.

I like how they told us very little about the aliens; less is always more with me. Most films tend to lose it when they feel they have to explain or even over-explain themselves. I also love the "testing" of the hostages... it felt very "The Thing" to me, but not in a rip-off sort of way. I'm glad that this movie seems to be getting a lot of positive buzz, as the look, pacing, acting, story... it's all pretty tight and engaging. 

And what in the hell is that?!?

Maybe The Sci-Fi Channel (soon to be Syfy... WTF?!?) should hire Ben Rock and his boys to be their in-house movie production team, because Alien Raiders is the best movie they never made. Buy/rent the DVD now, and support one of the good ones.

B+

Alien Raiders is available now on DVD and VOD.

Courtney Ford is in this.