DVD Review: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

Fine, maybe it's not really horror, but this genre movie was just begging to be reviewed none the less...

Leave it to the U.S. Government to mess up the tranquility of the Alaskan Wilderness and unleash upon the world both a Mega Shark and a Giant Octopus from their deep frozen slumber. At least renegade scientist Debbie Gibson is... Whale pod attack! Thank god Debbie Gibson is not only a brilliant scientist, but an accomplished whale fighter as well! An acoustic rendition of "Shake Your Love" sent them scurrying... but why were the normally docile whales all riled up? 

Oil Rig grapple-attack! That Giant Puss is pissed off! (Due to budgetary constraints, the attack is more "implied" than it is "shown.")


In one of the greatest scenes ever put to film, Giant Shark takes down a jet plane in mid-flight! He doesn't stop there either; he makes quick work of a U.S. Navy Battleship too. Giant Puss is being naughty at the same time, taking out fighter planes and doing other Giant Puss-like things. Will the madness ever end?

There are not enough words...

Only Debbie Gibson and her crack team of scientists can stop the rampaging beasts... and that of course includes Lorenzo Lamas. I won't spoil what comes next other than to say Mega Shark and Giant Octopus don't vs. each other until the last 10 minutes of the movie.

"I eat your Golden Gate! I eat it up!"

 

The Asylum strikes again! The masters of cheesy rip-off cinema make a pretty bad, yet fun "Event Movie" here, which is of total guilty pleasure caliber. Understand that the reason it's enjoyable at all is because it's so bad and cheesy; the acting is poor, the script is laughable, and they don't actually show the massive title beasts very much, but it's kitschy fun. The best thing about this movie is as ridiculous as it is, you can tell that everyone involved was having a hell of a lot of fun and really giving it everything they had, from director to actors.

Mega-Giant Shark-Puss!

Really, Debbie Gibson as a world-saving scientist? I mean, she can drive subs, punch tough (sic) Navy sailors out, analyze 18 million-year-old teeth with a laptop, mix up some glowing pheromone potions... the only part of her character that I truly bought was when she randomly slept with the Asian guy. I know she's done that before on tour... I just know it!

Little do Tiffany and Samantha Fox know that D-Gib is concocting their liquid doom!

If this movie had a little bit more of a budget for effects, it would have been epic; other than at the end, they barely even showed the major action set-pieces on screen!

"Those whores are finished!"

Not so much.

Debbie Gibson jumps into bed with the first Asian scientist she sees, but alas, no boobs are to be had.

Lose the shirt Debbie, and then sing "Only in my Dreams." Please?

 

"It rises!" or "Jesus Christ, he's comin' faster than a jet!" Stop stealing my ex-girlfriend's lines, Lorenzo!

Debbie Gibson can act just about as well as she can sing... I'll leave it to you to decipher exactly what I mean by that. Also, Lorenzo Lamas is a man's man.

She's trying to act! LOL

Would I buy it? No? Would I watch it with some friends and a bunch of beer, and possibly some Jager shots? Yes. It's bad-goodness personified, and if you're looking to just have some good fun, give this disc a spin.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

Maybe I do have some Debbie Gibson MP3's on my computer, and maybe I don't. 

Quick Review: No Through Road (2009)

"The serenity of another quiet evening is shattered for an amateur photographer when a desperate woman takes refuge in his humble suburban home. Reluctantly, he is pulled into a cat and mouse game with her pursuers. Only dawn will reveal the blood-soaked fallout of being alone in the middle of suburbia."

What a moronic movie. A geek comes home from work one night to find a skanky junkie chick hiding in his closet. Call the Cops, right? Nope. Let her stay for a while because she needs to hide, although she won't tell you why. When a group of rapey looking guys show up and demand the geek hand over the girl, still don't call the Cops... call an ex-Cop friend of your Dad's to come help instead, pussy.

Idiot.

• Makes perfect sense for the ex-Cop to play football with the rapists. Perfect sense, I say. 
•  When a guy caves the ex-Cop's head in, still don't call the real Cops. Nice job getting your family friend killed, nitwit. 
• Let's booby-trap the house, not call the Cops. 
• Also, sit with your back to the bay window. 
• Wait... blaring Heavy Metal and one shining a bright light will scare them off! 
• By the time the rapey guys caught the main character, I was rooting for them to torture his poorly-written ass. Whatever this movie was aiming for, it failed.

Idiot!

How this movie won any sort of Indie Awards, I'll never know. Waste your time on this maddening mess of a movie if you like, but really, life is way too short to endure crap like this. Unless you like pain. Then, endure this movie.

Quick Review: Death of a Ghost Hunter (2008)

"Renowned "ghost hunter", Carter Simms is paid to conduct a paranormal investigation of a supposedly haunted house. Along with a cameraman, a reporter, and a spiritual advocate, she embarks on a three night journey into terror."

Someone needs to stop Sean Tretta from directing movies, or at least teach him how to make a watchable one. Death of a Ghost Hunter almost had me, as it started off with promise, but as it went along the cracks in its quality began to show, and it became pretty painful to sit through.

That's pretty much how I felt about halfway through this movie.

• There were a few genuinely tense/creepy moments in this movie, and the premise was interesting, but all of that was quickly nullified by its poor quality. 
• How obvious can you make your big, shocking twist? 
• The sound mix is terribly uneven, going from soft to loud at a moments notice. 
• The acting is laughable. 
• What is with Tretta and these horrible film techniques he uses?

Is that yellow Saran-Wrap?

A quick update on our friends progress...

As I posted earlier, our very own Machine (Matt to us in real life), had some emergency surgery Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. Our friend is alive and well, in stable condition and improving slowly every day. He's 36 years old, and has been my best friend in the world since 5th grade... shut up with the age jokes! :) I can't articulate with words what he means to me and everyone who know shim, nor how brutal these past few days have been for all of us. He very nearly didn't make it in the early hours of Wednesday morning, and the nurse told us to call whomever we needed to and do it quickly. Two hours later she came out of the OR clapping and smiling and said "Whatever you people did out here must have worked, because we've got him back." One moment he was essentially gone after bleeding out for a good part of 4 hours, the next, he was stable. I don't use the word miracle a lot, ever really, but i don't know... To male a VERY long story short here's the skinny; He'd had some abdominal pain last week which they thought might be his gall bladder, upon further testing he was found to have and aneurysm on his heart and an aortic dissection:

Aortic dissection is a tear in the wall of the aorta that causes blood to flow between the layers of the wall of the aorta and force the layers apart. Aortic dissection is a medical emergency and can quickly lead to death, even with optimal treatment. If the dissection tears the aorta completely open (through all three layers), massive and rapid blood loss occurs. Aortic dissections resulting in rupture have an 80% mortality rate, and 50% of patients die before they even reach the hospital. If the dissection reaches 6 cm, the patient must be taken for emergency surgery.

It's basically what John Ritter had and died from. We all wanna send out an endless THANK YOU to those of you who have sent us well wishes and kind words via comment, email or even a silent and unspoken "I hope he get's better." It's a beautiful thing when strangers can give you a piece of their hearts like that. Cheers for now, and as things keep improving, I'll be excited to start watching some horror again!

On a break...

... one of our own, the man we call Machine, is in the hospital and had some major surgery that nearly claimed his life. Things have been horrible here, and though he is recovering well, everything still remains very tense. I won't be updating the site much for the next few days, and I ask all of our readers worldwide just to say a little prayer for him and his quick recovery. The more love the better. -J

DVD Review: The Devil's Tomb (2009)

Cast Members of Note- Cuba Gooding Jr., Ron Perlman, Taryn Manning, Henry Rollins, Ray Winstone, and Valerie Cruz. Nice cast for a straight to DVD Horror flick...

Mack and his crack team of commandos lands a mission that takes then into the bowels of an archaeological dig somewhere in the deserts of the Middle East. Right off the bat he should have known not to trust the CIA, as they're obviously responsible for all of the World's evil-doing, including (but not limited to) deals with The Devil and/or Evil Angels.

Trusting the CIA = face & neck herpes. You've been warned.

Once inside the underground Raccoon City-like bunker, they meet all sorts of interesting characters that are nothing but trouble, including a possessed doctor who quotes bible scripture, a straight-edge priest that riffs on spoken word poetry, and a Dad that wants to kill his daughter. Gunfire and futility ensues.

If Otis Driftwood was a Demon...

I won't spoil what comes next for you here, but suffice it to say that there's really only one place that anyone involved in this mission is headed...

That's right Henry, Heaven. Or maybe Hell. So that's two possible places then.

 

Think Event Horizon, only set in the desert instead of space, and then throw in some Prince of Darkness. Then, take a dash of Ron Perlman, a pinch of Ray Winstone, and add Cuba Gooding Jr., and you have a crazy dark Horror version of Band of Brothers. Kinda.

This was an effective little movie, with a great cast, and an interesting premise; then again, I'm a sucker for the whole "Evil Demon" thing. I'm sure some people will have issues with this movie, but I don't see why... It did its job of entertaining me while not shitting all over the genre, which is all any of us can really ask for these days. I was honestly expecting a Sci-Fi Channel type of an effort here, but was pleasantly surprised to find a decent little flick instead.

The cast was a definite strong point, especially Cuba Gooding Jr.; he does his best Steven Seagal impersonation here as a tough-as-nails Merc, and he actually pulls it off better than Steven Seagal usually does.

Bill Moseley starring in "Prince of Brothers Horizon."

Am I really supposed to buy Taryn Manning as a military doctor? Sure she's cute and all, and I'd love to someday have a love child or two with her, but accepting her as a gun-wielding, bad-ass, camo-wearing mercenary named "Doc" is just too much for me to swallow.

Fun fact: She had sex with Ron Perlman on Sons of Anarchy.

The lesbian scene was pretty messy. As a piggy-minded male, I expect hot girl-on-girl action to be soft, unrealistic, and chauvinistically exploitative; you know, two ridiculously hot girls playing into my sad ideal about what Sapphic love is all about... What I don't expect is for the women to start melting in mid-kiss. Or more than that even, for them to be kissing each others festering boils full of evil pus without really noticing. Thanks for ruining it for me, Jason Connery!

I am so confused by this picture... should I be turned on or repulsed? The answer is both!

All sorts of vomiting, leaky, puss-filled boils, cutting, bleeding, ripping, tearing... this one was surprisingly gory.

Yes! We do get one total Hottie in the all-together, and even some mild lesbian action! I do have to say that the girl-on-girl stuff got pretty gross, but it was still nice to see them at least making an effort.

Don't trust her!

"Stop name-dropping, Mack." or "Let me help you repent!"

Cuba Gooding Jr. kicks ass. Also, you can't really ever hope to defeat an Evil Angel. Never, ever... unless of course you kick ass like Cuba Gooding Jr.

"I will kick your ass."

The Devil's Tomb was pretty entertaining and well made; a hell of a cast, nice atmosphere, liberal amounts of gore and nastiness... an overall good effort by director Jason Connery. Definitely check this one out when it hits DVD on May 26th.

B

The Devil's Tomb is available now on DVD and VOD.

Oh Taryn, why don't you return my calls/tweets/emails/messages that I leave on your porch?