Where in the hell is Paranormal Activity?

Ever since 2007 I've been hearing about this movie, Paranormal Activity, and how terrifying it is; "A young couple suspects that their house is haunted by a malevolent entity. They set up video surveillance to capture evidence of what happens at night as they sleep. Their surveillance and home videos have been edited into the 99-minute feature film." Check the official site for a bunch of review blurb's and the trailer, all of which make me drool to see this damned thing! Official Site It's shot in the hand-held Blair Witch/Cloverfield/Poughkeepsie Tapes style, and from what those lucky enough to have caught it in special screenings have said, is a dread filled "Real" creepfest. Dreamworks has since bought the U.S. distribution and remake rights (And is planning a bigger budget remake already), but I wanna see the original first. I'm hoping for a DVD release at least, if they're truly remaking it. Come on Dreamworks, let us have it!

Running Commentary Review: Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Finally, I get a chance to sit and do a running commentary review on this movie... and what a messed up little flick it is!

Keep in mind that these RCR reviews are just us sitting and watching a movie, and me typing our random thoughts as we go along. Oh yeah, and this movie rules.  

START- After a quick head explosion, we move to a bloody chainsaw and bloody scraps of a body... This might just be good! The bad guy did some nasty things to that body... Special Squad is on the case though! The TGP will get him, even if their main chick is sitting in her car cutting herself... hmm. She's really cutting into herself with that straight-razor, she must be Emo.

Random wacky Asian chick interlude!

5:28- After having 5000+ machine gun rounds emptied into him, the bad guy grows a chainsaw out of his arm! I think the cops are screwed. Jesus Christ on a stick... this movie is messed up! Well, the hot Asian cutter-cop shows up dressed like a schoolgirl, and pretty much hands the guy's ass to him. And his nose. And arm. This chick is bad-ass.

Behold, the vengeance of an Emo cutter!

8:50- 50 gallons of blood so far.  

9:34- This definitely has a Starship Troopers-like vibe to it. Then again, Starship Troopers never made me want to swear off eating meat 10 minutes into it... but it did make me swear off Casper Van Dien! Screw him.  

12:22- Japan sure is a crazy place; the Police drink OJ in bars, women will beat you with vegetables if asked, people are scared of the Police (much like they are in L.A.), and they enjoy octopus porn (much like the people of Witchita, KS.)  

16:50- Japanese viking guy walking his limbless human fetish dog! Really. False alarm, it's just Ruka's birthday party. WTF? They give out merit badges? Nice cake though.  

Happy Birthday?

19:00- Flashback time: Ruka's mom goes insane cutting potatoes, and cuts herself Emo style on her daughters b-day. I'm confused, is the fat sweaty Asian dude with the underage hooker part of the flashback? For that matter, is the writhing pink dildo a part of it too? Nope, her name is Yuka... I think. Still doesn't explain the dong.  

23:00- Female pimp get drained of her blood; killer uses juicy juice bottles. A Harakiri commercial follows. Stop the Harakiri! Nice message. Back to the chick pimp, she's now stuffed into a small cardboard box.

A handy illustration!

27:12- Ruka is going undercover as a hooker to catch the serial killing engineer, so she hops a train, and catches a crazy commercial: Yay! New designer wrist-cutters! Yay! Yay, yay! They're so cute! Yayyyyyyy! They even come in pink.  

30:05- Lesson: Never grab the ass of an undercover cop in Japan, even if she looks like a whore, because she will enforce the law on your ass! 

That's entrapment.

35:43- Crazy 3-pronged knife/sword fight! She cuts him across the nose! Oh shit, the engineer is having a seizure... or... or he's...yeah, he's pulling his face apart to blind her with geysers of blood. Of dude, he pulled it off! He has cannon eyes now... is this an homage to Cronenberg? Pinned against the wall, he's rubbing her up... and opening up a keyhole on her arm with a key he pulled from his brain? Am I on acid right now?

WTF am I watching...

39:46- 100 gallons of blood so far.  

46:46- A virtual Wii snuff game commercial! Fun for the whole family. These commercials kill me, LULZ. Ruka is hot on the trail of the half-headed guy, and realizes she's been set up! Also, the chief gets high by drawing a syringe on his arm?!? A censored commercial showing the TGP playing soccer with some kids using a guys head is next.  

51:40- A crazy Japanese fetish party ensues, complete with leather, penis-nose appendages, and a snail girl... and a living, breathing, naked, human chick-chair, hooked up to an IV. That one is apparently the hit of the party. Why would I make this up? OMG, the human chair just peed into the crowd! Yeah. They're drinking/showering in it too. What in the blue hell is going on here?!? This has officially turned into a piss party. Oddly enough, I need to go pee, brb. 

I'm kinda scared right now.

55:00- 150 gallons of blood so far. 20 gallons of urine.  

56:30- Don't do it, it's a trap! Oral sex or not, no one is strapping me to a chair, especially in this Bizzarro-World. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! She bit it off! And they showed it! Shoot her! Grab you wiener and run, man! Dude, her vagina turned her lower torso into an alligators maw! Oh yeah, he's finished. Wait, he's shoving his severed arm into her alligator 'gina, and pulling on an exposed vein to shoot her... I don't even know what to say anymore.

Don't ask me.

1:02:29- 250 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss.  

1:03:50- Massive mutant penis gun! At this point, we're halfway through the movie, and I'm not writing near as much as I'd like to, mainly because so much crazy shit is happening, that this would be a novel rather than a bullet point-style review. From here on out, I'll cover a few of the finer points, the rest you need to see for yourself.

1:23:10- 400 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

The cops have gone kill crazy by now, and are just slaughtering the entire city at their leisure. Ruka has become a secret engineer, learned the truth about her father's death, killed the half-head guy, and isn't happy with the slaughter going on. When she witnesses her only friend being drawn and quartered by the cops, she flips her friggin' wig! Mutant justice ensues!  

This guy...

1:31:40- Massive 6-barreled "hand" gun! I can't even begin to describe this scene...

Final Tally- 900 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

I don't even...

END- The Japanese sure as hell know how to make a messy Horror flick. This movie is so insane and over the top, that trying to explain it does little justice. Just see it, and see it now!

A

Tokyo Gore Police is available now on DVD and VOD.

Eye don't even now what to say. Zing!

More crazy pics from Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

This movie was so visually crazy/interesting/stunning, that I had to share these pics that I didn't use in the review...

DVD Review: Killer Movie (2009)

We're on a roll lately as far as seeing quality horror flicks goes, and here's another one...

Cast Members of Note- Paul Wesley, Kaley "Yum Yum" Cuoco, Leighton "My Baby Mama" Meester, Jason London, and Richard Alpert from LOST, Nestor Carbonell!

Britney Lohan-Hilton is a slutty, spoiled, no-talent whore actress who is forced to travel to Cat-Piss, North Dakota to try to revive her career. Despite wanting to beat her mercilessly with her own Prada bag, the crew of a small Documentary tries to make the best of things with the Celebutard... until her cocaine runs out and things get really dicey!

Brittney Lohan-Hilton's cocaine-fueled bar lapdance!

To make things worse, a masked killer is running around Cat-Piss, ND, killing locals and crew members alike, and in some pretty nasty ways. Some of them turn out to be pretty deserving of a painful death though, especially the lesbian producer of the movie; she's really not a nice person at all, and she honestly made me punch the air every time she came on screen.

Oh my god, please die! Please, please please!

Pretty soon, the whole crew starts drinking and doing cocaine with the spoiled Celebutard, which doesn't help them survive very well. One by one they're picked off, until finally it's up to Brittney Lohan-Spears to deliver the ass-kicking of a lifetime to the town of Cat Piss, ND. I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that faux lesbian sex ensues.

Yes!

This was a pretty damn good Slasher flick. It's typical, and it doesn't even come close to breaking any new ground, but it's smart, witty, and makes for a good old-fashioned fun time in your DVD player. I love how the smart script had just the right mix of humor and Horror to make it seem fresher than most movies of its kind, especially those of late. Slashers can be fun and still work, and this movie reminds us of that.

Paul Wesley was great in the lead role; a likable and believable main guy in a Horror movie, what a rarity. Besides being hot, Kaley Cuoco was dead-on in her Britney/Lindsay/Paris impersonation role too. Truth be told, everyone did a pretty good job, and I didn't really find myself hating any of the characters, unless it was one I was supposed to hate.

You knew what this was.

Ok, the very, very end was kinda dumb... I guess it sets up part 2 though?

Without Kaley though, who cares about part 2?

Is it too much to ask for a fully naked, 7-22 minute lesbian scene? You know, with close-ups of the slow, passionate, tongue kissing... It's what the audience (me) demands, Hollywood!

We demand more of her, as well!

Barbed wire decapitations, table-saw violence, meat clever cleverness, chain hangings, some throat slashing... and a bear trap! I swear I've seen more Horror movies lately with bear traps in them...

Bear trap in the sky?

We get a bra-and-panty hot lesbo makeout! No tits though.

And of course, at the peak of her attractiveness, this one stays fully clothed...

"Is that what they do for fun here in Cat-Piss, North Dakota?" or " I believe she called her a cocaine-fueled gutter slut" or "Oh Phoebe, you've gone from zero to Tara Reid in 60 seconds."

Stay away from rural townsfolk. Also, this movie 100% proves that bitchy chicks are usually lesbians... and God bless them all.

"The fuck you just say to us?"

In the end, my head told me to rate this a B, but I can't help but follow my heart and give it the props that I think it deserves. It's nothing we haven't seen before, but it's probably the best time I've had watching a new-generation Slasher in a LONG time. Smart, funny, and just plain fun, definitely check this one out if Slasher flicks are your thing, and maybe even if they're not.

A-

Killer Movie is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

I've got a big bang theory that I'd like to discuss with Kaley Cuoco...

Solo Review: The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2009)

Sub-Genre- Serial Killer, Found Footage.
Cast Members of Note- Bobbi Sue Luther, and Stacy Chbosky.
Directed by- John Erick Dowdle, who would go on to helm films like Devil, Quarantine, and As Above, So Below.

A bunch of inept Cops and "experts" participate in a Documentary about the worst Serial Killer the world has ever known... Ed! At least they think that's his name, though they're so inept that they don't have so much as one clue about him, even after he leaves them hundreds of videotapes of his crimes. Could they not run the make of his car? Was there seriously not one print or molecule of DNA in his house, or at any of the crime scenes?

1-800-GOOD-LUCK-FINDING-HER.

Inept Police Work aside, Ed sure knows how to have fun; making whores pop balloons while dressed in bikinis, raping random kids and women, terrifying innocent Girl Scouts, taking advantage of the kindness of strangers... and he tapes it all for posterity's sake. And for the sake of love, apparently, which is something he desperately wants to find.

Hey Ed, this is not was love is.

Interviews, footage, interviews, footage, interviews, footage... I won't spoil the ending for you here, because it's so shocking, but let's just say that they never catch him. *It's Found Footage, no one ever gets caught.

...but plenty of people die!

Before even having seen this one, I loved the premise; Police find hundreds of video tapes belonging to a prolific local Serial Killer, each of them documenting his crimes in graphic detail. Now having actually seen it, this movie contains some absolutely disturbing scenarios and imagery, courtesy of said tapes, and if you can lose yourself in the Found Footage aspect of things, then you're in for a chilling ride.

Chloroform: The Stranger Picker Upper.

The acting in this was 50/50; some of it was decent and believable, and felt Documentary-like, but most of the rest of it was poor to bad, and even seemed ad-libbed at times. Then again, the script was pretty poor in places too; a good example of this is when a frantic mother calls 911 to say she thinks someone took her 8-year-old daughter, the 911 operator responds with "Like who?" in an uncaring, dismissive voice. Sub-par acting along with a script that needed to be a bit tighter, keeps this one from being the true Modern-day Classic that it could have been.

Overall though, this was a disturbing and creepy movie, that most people will find completely effective.

This looks like our porn collection.

Did the filmmakers think that obscuring the look of the killer's videos made them look more real? The footage was at times so horribly distorted, that we wondered if Ed had magnets in his pockets or something. I've never seen a worse camcorder in my life.

Is he adjusting the tracking?

Do you have to mess with the kids, Mr. Creepy Rape-Kill guy? I mean, all the Girl Scouts want to do is to sell their cookies, and make enough money for their Troop to go to camp "I'll be a whore someday," not be tortured and killed in terrible ways by you. You sir, are disturbing.

"Thin Mints please! Also, 2 boxes of Tagalongs. Also, I'm going to make you pass away with a knife."

There's not much gore in this one, but we do get a little bit of blood here and there. This movie is really more about disturbing visuals, rather than graphic violence, which is fine with us.

Like that right there? We get the point.

Dead hooker boobs.

"Pop it!" or "To be honest, I don't think either of us are gonna want you alive for the things I'm going to do to you."

Avoid nice guys with video cameras. Also, BDSM is scary.

Why did they not market and sell these masks? We'd buy one.

I have a feeling people will either love The Poughkeepsie Tapes, or downright hate it. Some things in this movie really, really worked well, while others fell a bit flat. I say see it; like The Blair Witch Project, it's an interesting Found Footage effort at the very least, and an awesomely disturbing movie at the most. That all depends on if the premise sucks you in or not though.

B-

The Poughkeepsie Tapes is available on DirecTV's On Demand service now.

Bobby Sue Luther is in this.