Review: My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Sub-Genre- Slasher
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Chris and Susan.
Cast Members of Note- Genre legend Tom Atkins!, Supernatural's Jensen Ackles, hot little Jamie King, and a pre-Blacklist Megan Boone!.

My Bloody Valentine is basically a movie about a slutty naked chick that runs around naked, waiving a gun around... of course there are all kinds of unnecessary plot elements present here that detract from said nakedness, but they do manage to keep us guessing!

Also, this movie is about a pre-Blacklist Megan Boone, and just how good she looks in a tank-top and undies.

Harry Warden is a miner who survives a Mineshaft collapse which kills everyone he knows. This drives him to kill everyone in the local Hospital where he's recouperating, and then head back to the Mine to kill every teen there who has a beer in hand. Three of the partying teens leave a 4th behind to be killed while they escape, but the Cops show up and save the day, leaving the poor kid to realize that his friends must really hate him.

The 2nd of 4 massacres in the movie.

10 years later, Harry Warden returns, as does the kid who left town because everyone hated him, and the mayhem begins again. In the highlight of the film, one of the three horrible friends turns out to be a slutty naked chick who has some sex, runs around naked with a gun, and doesn't mind not having any clothes on at all. Sadly though, she dies naked, and it's up to the rest of the friends to avenge her death!

I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that once the nudity ends, the killing truly begins... and we mean some good Old Fashioned pick-axe killing!

Kill, Harry, kill.

First and foremost, the 3-D is the star of the show here; If you can find a Theater near you that has the 3-D projectors, definitely see it that way. This is nothing like the 3-D that most people will remember from the 80's, and it totally made the movie more exciting, and the glasses are like sunglasses, not cardboard red/blue framed messes! The Twisted Pictures logo looked insane! Really cool stuff.

This actually happened in the theater I was in. Honest.

MBV 3-D didn't skimp on the blood and nudity, both of which are staples for any good Slasher movie. They also didn't skimp on the Tom Atkins; it was awesome to see him in a Genre film again, as the guy is a Horror Legend, and by all accounts, a really cool guy in general.

The best thing I can say about this movie is that though it's an awful lot of fun. It's far from perfect, and I hated the way they handled the sequences towards the end (I can't elaborate without spoiling.) Overall though, it was a good time that delivered the goods on most levels.

True love never dies.

Having been a huge fan of the original MBV for the better part of the last three decades, I found the storyline for this one both over-worked and lacking in a lot of ways. The original worked so well because it was simple, whereas the redux seemed to play on the "who is the killer?" thing a bit too much, and delved too deeply, in my opinion, into the motivations and inner workings of certain characters.

I guess I just think simpler would have been better.

Hot chicks are never simple, but they do always make things better.

I kept wearing my 3-D glasses after I left the Theater, hoping they would change my life. They didn't.

Plenty of pick-axe violence too be had here, not to mention a cool Hospital massacre set piece and some other goodies... including the famous heart-in-a-box gag from the original MBV! We loves it.

She should have listened when she was told to shut up!

This movie contains what might be the best scene in movie history; a hot, naked, slutty chick, running around with a gun naked, hiding naked, fighting off a killer naked, and getting what she deserves... naked! This went on for a good 2-4 minutes. Maybe longer. (On a fun note, the scene in the trailer with a chick running in her undies... that was digitally manipulated, as she was naked in that scene.)

Thanks for that, Betsy Rue. Sincerely.

You make dying hot, baby.

"Jason, is that you?"

Tom Atkins still rules, and should have been a bigger star. Also, naked chicks almost always make a movie better.

"Thrill me!"

Although it's nowhere near as good as the original 80's flick, I liked this one, and loved its use of 3-D. Although it's far from perfect, this is a Slasher flick that gets a lot of things right, and does its predecessor some justice. Go see it on the big screen in 3-D!

B

My Bloody Valentine 3D is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

The girls in this movie can be our Valentine anytime!

The First Horror Hottie of 2009 is... Erica Roby!

Horror Filmography:Invasion of the Pod People (2007)Halloween Night (2007)Dracula's Curse (2006)Hillside Cannibals (2006)Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers (2006)
Alright, so Erica Roby has never really been in any "good" Horror movies, though some of them have been half-way passable if you like B-grade Horror... but that isn't the point is it? The point is, look at her!

She's extremely hot, and at least she tackles the genre head on and gives it a damn good try; most of her B-movies are at least a sight better than the "Molly Hartley's" of the world.

Mainly she's here because she's hot. Just look at her face. Then look at her boobs, butt and tummy. Then, go get a bunch of tissues and "watch" one of her movies. Oh yeah. In addition to her being adorable and good looking, she isn't afraid to go for the lesbian love on screen either! I'm not talking about one scene in one movie, I'm talking about multiple scenes, in multiple movies!

She's not afraid to get naked onscreen either, which makes her even more awesome. It does make me wonder though if she has a drug debt or is being blackmailed or something, because she really spends a lot of her screen time naked, having sex, or doing some lesbian canoodling in pretty much anything she's in. Not that I'm complaining...

In a surprising twist, IMDB has her listed as a story editor on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab show on VH1. So maybe she's more than just a pretty face? She hasn't made a movie since 2007, which makes me sad; the genre needs more gorgeous Hotties like her that love being naked and doing lesbian scenes. Let's hope she comes back to us soon!

A few more pics of the lovely Ms. Roby, for your viewing pleasure.

Review: Wes Craven Presents: They (2002)

I know this review seems pretty harsh, but the movie was just plain bad... 

They is about a bunch of College kids that still have night terrors and wet the bed, despite not being 12-years-old anymore. That's really it in a nutshell. The leader of the bed-pissers is a scrawny little blond chick with a boy's haircut... and she keeps having "scary" dreams...and how did this movie even happen?

"Stop looking like a boy, alright?!? God!"

At night, the Gollum-Creatures come. We never truly find out what they are, and they don't do much other than look like Gollum when they show up, but every night, there they are again. I kept falling asleep off and on, so I'm not really sure what happened, but I think it involved a Balloon Guy and some sort of "ultimate sacrifice."

Anywho, that's about it. Yeah.

Give it up to Balloon Guy if you want to live.

I guess it's always good to see Ethan Embry on screen, and he was about the only thing good in this movie... Yep, that's basically it. Ok, and Dagmara Dominczyk is always nice to look at too, so bonus! Really, this movie was pretty stagnant, and I don't have much good to say about it at all.

This movie was a waste of Ethan Embry's talent.

Our very own Teryn actually watched this movie pretty intently for a while; then again, she's a baby (only 3 months), and she poops herself at random intervals, so can we really trust her judgment?

I guess I'm saying that this movie made her go poopie.

When nothing happens in a movie, it makes me wonder why it was even made. They has to be one of the slowest, most uneventful Horror films I've ever seen. Honestly, what was the point? From what I understand, the original script got butchered, and was drastically changed by the time they shot the movie, but I don't care... What we got was a snooze-fest.

Nothing in this movie for the Gorehounds, I'm afraid.

Who cares. It wouldn't have helped things anyways.

Alright, it may have helped a little.

"You hear a baby crying, you hear a kid crying, you keep moving, okay? Children can sen-sense them. It's your warning." or "To eat me."

The use of the name "Wes Craven" in a movie's title doesn't mean that it's going to be good. Also, Shadow People look a lot like Gollum.

Unless you enjoy watching paint dry, skip this one.

This movie does feature a young Jodelle Ferland in an early role. Luckily for her (and us), she went on to star in far better movies like Silent Hill and Cabin in the Woods.