Solo Review: The Grapes of Death (1978)

Sub-Genre- Zombie/Raisin Horror
Cast Members of Note- A bunch of French people I have never heard of in my life.

Two women are taking a train to different vacation spots; one to Spain, one to see her "Winery Boss" boyfriend in the French Countryside. They are alone on the train, like 100% completely alone (?), until a guy with a pus-filled and dripping ear gets on board and kills one of them. The other chick screams a lot, and runs for her life... right into the arms of a bunch of other rotting, melting people.

Ladies and gentlemen: Marie, George, and Pascal.

Apparently, the wine from the local vineyard is tainted and turning everyone into stark raving mad zombies, much like Mad Dog 20/20 does: a husband kills wife and molests/kills his daughter; a father nails his blind daughter to a door and cuts her head off while screaming "I love you!"; a retarded guy bangs his forehead off of a car window, getting pus and viscera everywhere... so basically, it's a love story.

I don't know about you, but I'd trust her.

I won't spoil the ending for you here, mainly because it confused me too much, and I honestly have no idea how to spoil this movie for anyone, but suffice it to say that wine is the Devil's tool, and apparently, so are grapes.

No. We don't wonder about that at all.

This is one of those movies that I like because it reminds me of other Horror from the late 70's/early 80's, and not necessarily because it was all that great. It was however (despite its slow pace, and a story that didn't always make much sense), a fun ride to take.

I always praise Euro-Horror for getting certain things right; they do gore and atmosphere perfectly in most cases, but the trade-off is usually the lack of a coherent narrative and some really cheesy acting. That's exactly what we have here; a really fun, unsettling movie that makes little sense.

Because I had no idea what in the hell was going on, that's why.

I used to love grapes...

"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, The Grapes of Death."

What in the hell was with that ending? Ugh, the French !

And why is there always a creepy blind chick in foreign Horror movies!?!

Pitchforks in chests, people nailed to doors, some beheading, shootings, rotting and dripping flesh... This movie doesn't skimp on the bloody stuff.

"I love you!"

It's a French movie, so of course there was bound to be nudity, aka plenty of Le boobs, and Le kitty on display. It was all kinda gross though, if we're being honest...

She was too creepy for us to ogle.

Something about grapes... I can't remember.

Grapes are evil. Also, France is a creepy country to travel through.

Also, never feed grapes to cats; it gives them Feline AIDS or something.

This one gets a solid C, because it's a really decent effort, while at the same time being nothing spectacular. If you're in the mood for some nonsensical, old school Euro-Horror fun, then check it out... and why not have a glass of wine while you do!

C

The Grapes of Death is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Did you know that Brigitte Lahaie was a French Pornstar in the 70's? Well you do now!

Quick Review: Trailer Park of Terror (2008)

You know, I wasn't even going to review this movie; the title alone gave me fits and almost kept me from watching it as it is.

I gave in though, for some reason, and I was actually surprised at what I saw... The movie was pretty decent.

Don't get me wrong, Trailer Park of Terror isn't anything to write home about, but neither is it a crap-fest of B-movie painfulness that I was expecting. Ok, it is a B-movie, but it's a pretty well made and watchable one.

I mean, it has Trace Adkins playing The Devil (how can you not love that?), all kinds of blood and gore, all kinds of slutty chicks, and White Trash stereotypes galore! (I love making fun of the Whiskey-Tango's)

It's also fairly well-made, it looks good, the acting is decent, and the story was entertaining, even if the script was a little lacking.

"Ya'll goin' to hell, hear me?"

 

Trailer Park of Terror was a genuinely fun watch for the most part, even if it was shameful fun. You can do way worse than renting this if you're not sure what to grab from the video store, and if you don't expect too much, you may just like it.

Especially if you like Trace Adkins and Trailer Parks.

Nichole Hiltz is in this... yum.

Solo Review: Let the Right One In (2008)

Sub-Genre- Vampires/Teen Horror
Cast Members of Note- The young and Swedish talents of Kare Hedebrant and Lina Leandersson.

This is the story of 12-year-old Oskar who is bullied by his classmates on a daily basis, adding to the growing pains that normal adolescents have to endure; and Eli, who is also 12 (more or less) and is suffering some growing pains of her own... mainly because she's a Vampire.

When Eli catches Oskar stabbing a tree, the two begin a friendship that involves blood, murder and all sorts of other creepy shit. Really though, a 12-year-old kid stabbing a tree and asking it "are you looking at me?" is the creepiest thing of all.

I don't want to spoil too much, but I will say that Sweden is pretty cool, and swimming pools can be pretty dangerous.

Not gonna lie, Oskar is kinda creepy.

Lat Den Ratte Komma In is sweet, disturbing, sad, brutal, beautiful, shocking, and an overall inspired film. I dare say that it's a work of art. Everything about it was perfect to me; from the camera work, to the story; the mood, to the acting. This is a Vampire movie, and it has a ton of Horror elements about it, but it's also a coming of age tale. In fact at times, I felt as if I wasn't watching a Horror movie at all. There are some elements of the story that I'd really like to discuss and comment on, but that would spoil some things that don't deserve to be spoiled. I will say that this movie surprised me on many different levels.

Aww, young love.

It's amazing to me how a Horror movie made in 2008 can be so effective and not be packed with jump-scares, quick-cut scares, lame characters, nonsensical situations, a twist ending, a jump-cut-quick-scare twist ending... oh wait, this wasn't made in Hollywood, that's why it's lacking all of the familiar lame elements that plague so many of today's Horror movies.

It's not totally Hollywood's fault that they pump out unoriginal fare on the reg; American audiences are fairly simple-minded when it comes to their entertainment, and they like it simple, and familiar... that's why we'll have Saw 14 eventually. 'Murica!

Horror flick, love story, coming of age story, Vampire movie... Let the Right One In is all of those, and a lot more. You really need to see it to understand. And for the record, I absolutely loved the last 15 minutes of this movie. I actually cheered.

I really did cheer.

The worst part about this movie was that it ended. I wish it had been three hours long instead of two.

"This is cube of Rubik, you will make play?"

Not even a year old, and Hollywood already wants to remake this movie. Can't the morons who green light movies just release this one as is, instead of remaking what is already damn near perfect? Of course not. Assholes.

This picture is a metaphor for how we feel about Hollywood, and many of their poor decisions.

Bloodletting, blood drinking, acid eaten faces, severed limbs, people bursting into flames... this movie has its fair share of gore.

But why aren't they swimming?

Oddly enough, we get to see a 12-year-old's hooha... and I'm truly hoping that it was CGI.

"I'm 12... more or less."

Childhood sucks. Also, don't ever break into a Vampire's apartment... even in the daylight. Also, bullies never win.

Eli wins though. She wins big.

This movie is a modern day masterpiece, and one of the best movies of the year, and not just of the Horror variety. You owe it to yourself to see this as soon as possible. Don't wait for the remake, because it will pale in comparison to this film. Trust me. Now go watch this Swedish gem!

A+

Let the Right One In is available now on Blu-ray, DVD,. and VOD.

Brilliant.