DVD Review: Videodrome (1983)

In Attendance- Me, Geo, Machine, Chris, and Christian.
Cast Members of Note- James Woods and Debbie Harry (a.k.a. Blondie)

Max Renn is a sleazy perv who runs a porn channel, so naturally, he goes in search of snuff, because that's what porn makes you do, right? I mean, watching sex definitely turns 99% of humans into horrible monsters who crave death and violence. It's science. Ask the Catholic Church or PMRC, they'll tell you. Wait... not science then... sin? Whatever.

Born to sin.

He receives a tape called Videodrome, which must be laced with acid, and begins to hallucinate the craziest things; clowns on trampolines riding tricycles; midgets spinning plates; Debbie Harry naked... He even grows a stomach vagina, which turns out to be real. He can hide things in it, so, neat.

You thought I was lying, didn't you? Ha!

Soon enough, Max starts dressing up as Lazer-Man and basically becomes an assassin of the new flesh. TV is his enemy, and he's out to stop anyone that he can from watching it! This of course involves having kinky sex with Blondie, and being whacked out of his mind on "drugs" the whole time, but who am I to judge? The guy really gets some things accomplished in this one, so go for it, man.

Far be it from me to ruin the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that it ends badly for everyone involved.

Lazer-Man rules.

Movies like this really make me miss the 80's. Horror these days is all about quick cuts and jump scares; neat endings that resolve/explain everything (while managing to set you up for the ill-advised sequel); crisp visuals and utter lack of any terrifying atmosphere... Gone (mostly) are mood and pacing, letting some things remain unanswered, or god forbid making you use your mind to figure them out for yourselves. Horror movies of today often times don't have what it takes to fuck you up enough to remember them ten minutes after seeing them, let alone sticking with you for a longer period of time.

How could you ever forget this?

Cronenberg always delivers on those fronts though. He grabs you, strokes your hair, relaxes you, and by the time you notice the pipe bomb that he's shoved up your ass, it's far too late to escape... and then boom! You feel a mess and aren't sure what just hit you, but you know you are different somehow. And dirtier. He is the master of "Body Horror" (in which your body fails/rebels against you), and it's terrifying on a deeper level than most hack-and-slash movies ever could be. He still makes great movies, though they aren't Horror, and I can't complain one bit about films like Eastern Promises or A History of Violence, I just wish he'd make a Horror movie now and then. He's so damn good at it! You really do need to see this one if you haven't. If not, you're missing out.

Cronenberg was certainly a visionary.

James Woods is very self-destructive.

Don't do it, James!

Why does Cronenberg insist on making me afraid of my own body? I feel like every woman I've ever dated after watching his films; confused, afraid and often times repulsed... an yet I keep coming back for more. Hmmm.

Stomach Vagina.

James Woods has a stomach vagina that hides things and eats hands; a flesh gun turns someone into a mess of tumors; a TV literally spills its guts... there's some good gore to be had here.

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."

Debbie Harry and James Woods both get naked... which includes Blondie using her boobs as an ashtray. Yum. Also, a naked chick gets flogged.

You crazy bitch.

"Long live the new flesh." or "Careful... it bites."

Debbie Harry is a bit of a slut. Also, TV is bad for you. Also, Viggo loves him some Cronenberg.
 

"Kiss me, you creepy fuck..."

This is another Cronenberg masterpiece; the guy just knows how to get in your head and make you feel VERY uneasy about everything, especially your own body. Own it, or you're missing out.

A

Videodrome is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Call Me, indeed.

DVD Review: John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

In Attendance- Me, Geo, Machine, Chris and Christian.
Cast Members of Note- The one and only James Woods! Also, Daniel Baldwin, The bad guy from Karate Kid 3, and Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks.

Vampires is basically its the story of a vampire hunter (James Woods), who hunts down a Master Vampire (played by the guy who betrayed Daniel-San in The Karate Kid 3), because he killed all of his whores. And friends too. It's the Daniel-San thing that hurts him most of all, though.

"Boy will James Woods be pissed about this!"

Our hero, along with the least coolest Baldwin brother, set out to find the bloodsucker with a half-vampire hottie in tow. If they can kill him before she fully turns, they can save her life and the Baldwin Bro can do it with her all he wants to without fear of being eaten. From here on out, the mayhem and carnage kick into full gear, and by the end, only two people are still "Alive."

I'd take her with me too.

This movie sure has taken it's share of crap from critics (most of whom have no pulse to begin with), and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Sure, it's not a cinematic masterpiece or anything, but then again it isn't supposed to be. It's a Horror movie, and one of the fun variety. It certainly doesn't hearken back to the early 80's Carpenter films and their grandeur, but neither does it shit on them. What we have here is a fun, bloody vampire movie that gives us an interesting premise, and James Woods in full ass-kicking moder. How in the world can you not love James Woods bitch-slapping a bunch of vampires around?

So are we, Peter. So are we.

I wish it could have followed the book a bit more. *We never read the book, it just feels appropriate to say that.

Then again, there's no way that the book was this sexy.

Rapey Priests asdie, The Catholic Church once again proves that it harbors dark secrets and evil plots.

What is he doing up there?

Vampires killing people, people killing vampires... blood and violence are everywhere in this one.

Now that's a party!

Not only do we get a motel party full of loose women in various states of undress, but we get the yummy Sheryl Lee pretty much fully naked.

That does not look consensual.

"I killed my own father, Padre. I got no trouble killing you" or "Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right?"

"Hnnnggg!"

The Vatican knows vampires are real! Also, they have a team lead by James Woods that hunts and kills them.

It's all real!

This movie isn't perfect, but it's a hell of a fun time, and it's a sight better than most crappy vampire movies that you'll come across these days. You should own it, or at the very least, rent it.

B

Vampires is available now on DVD and VOD.

Remember how hot Sheryl Lee was when she played the jail-bait temptress/murder victim Laura Palmer in Twin Peaks? So do we.

Horror Hotties: The Girls of Black Christmas (2006)

What a great gathering of hot chicks we have here! Sadly, none of them get naked in the movie, but the girls of Black Christmas (2006) still made us smile as they died!  

Hottest of them all is Michelle Trachtenberg. Me, her, 12 lbs. of fruit roll-ups, and a hairless kitten with no teeth... nevermind. She's come a long way from Harriet the Spy and Eurotrip; in fact, she's one good teen lesbian movie away from completely shedding her good girl stigma, and being considered a saint by us.

Lacey Chabert is next. From little pest on Party of Five, to total hotness, we're very proud of her development. She too needs a good lesbian role... and most likely a good spanking.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead... What else can you really say about her other than "love is that hole too, baby."

Were not even done yet! Crystal Lowe is a total Hottie, although she's a bit lesser known than the others. She likes to get naked in everything she's in though, and that proves her to be classy enough for this blog.

Last, but not least, is Katie Cassidy. Not only is she David Cassidy's daughter, but she's apparently quite the naughty little minx... That's pure conjecture on our part, but we know we're right.