Solo Review: The Ruins (2008)

A group of college students are partying it up in Mexico (you know, hookers, tequila, donkey shows...) when they come up with an awesome idea; let's go into the jungle, alone, sporting hangovers, working off of a hand-drawn crappy map, and explore an old Mayan temple. When their grizzled old cab driver, Chachi, tells them "that place no good," they ignore his broken-English advice and head off to their impending doom.

Yes, all Mexican people DO look like this.

When they arrive at the ruined temple, a whole mess of local Bandito's show up behind them and force them onto the temple at gunpoint. As long as they don't come down, they won't be killed... because the locals are scared to come near the cursed place. At one point, the trapped gringos try screaming "INS!" and "Immigration!," which doesn't work since they're already in Mexico. Not even a last ditch attempt at trickery involving a boom-box and a wicked group karaoke version of "Rico Suave" by Gerardo will buy them their freedom. Might as well go inside since their trapped, right?

Rrrrrrrrrico. Suaaaaave.

Chaos ensues pretty quickly for the poor kids, and its nothing but crazy plant life and exploratory surgery from then on out. I don't want to ruin too much of what happens once they realize they're screwed, but suffice it to say that some Ortho would have come in handy.

Shoulda stayed by the pool.

I had low expectations going into this one, and I'm happy to say I was pleasantly surprised at how good it ended up being. What a disturbing little flick! This movie is nothing less than a vicious, disturbing, unflinching ass-kicking, and it delivers on all levels. I absolutely bought into this movie from start to finish, and although there were a few minor "WTF are you doing!" moments, they were few and far between. The feeling of dread, coupled with the unknown terror waiting in the dark for the characters was enough to make me feel the creep a little bit. The big one for me was the characters; I didn't hate the dumb teen party-goers like I normally do, instead I actually found myself rooting for them to live! Sure they party and make some bad choices, but for once I didn't scream at the screen, or cheer for the "bad guy!" I liked them! ARGH! Just let me have my little moment here please.Thank you.

Jena Malone and Laura Ramsey are both hot as hell... and great actresses to boot. Jonathan Tucker, who is always on point, was solid here once again. I'm still pissed that NBC cancelled his show, The Black Donnellys. Shawn Ashmore was good too, though I'll always see him as Bobby Drake from X-men, but the kid can act.

Mmm hmm.

Why didn't they use fire?

Is she getting drunk? Now?

Fuck you if you think you're lowering me down that dark-ass hole alone. No, no, no!

Nope.

There is all sorts of nasty, nasty blood and gore on display here; the surgery scene alone does it for me. Wow, the shit they show in that scene... very uncomfortable.

This is why you always wear a condom, kids.

Laura Ramsey does a quick, but great nudie shot.

"Four Americans on vacation don't just disappear" Wrong. So, so wrong.

Yelling is not going to make things better.

When in a foreign country, just stay at the damn resort. Also, don't ever trust the locals, because they pretty much just want to kill you

That's right. Hold each other. Now kiss.

I'm as surprised as anyone that I'm giving a movie like this an A rating, but dammit if it didn't deserve it. Gore, tension, dread... it's all here, and it works to near perfect effect. You should definitely check it out asap, but grab the Unrated version though, as some of the gore is trimmed on the Theatrical cut.

A

The Ruins is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

The Hotties of The Ruins: Laura Ramsey and Jena Malone.

R.I.P. Stan Winston

1946-2008

What a horrible day for horror fans. Stan Winston, a true godfather of movie magic, is dead at 62. He created The Terminator, The Predator, and Pumpkinhead (A film that he also directed), The Alien Queen from Aliens, and made The Monster Squad an instant classic. Oh, and he finally made Dinosaurs look amazing on screen with Jurassic Park. He helped scare the hell out of horror fans by bloodying the screen with effects/make-up work on The Thing (1982), F13 part 3, Pumpkinhead, Interview With the Vampire, Darkness Falls, Wrong Turn, and The Entity. He brought creatures and killers to life in non horror films like Aliens, Predator, The Monster Squad, Edward Scissorhands, Alien Nation, Jurassic Park, Leviathan, A.I., Big Fish, and Constantine, to list only a few. He won 4 Oscars for his work on Aliens, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Jurassic Park. Hell, he even designed the mask for Styx's video/character Mr. Roboto, not to mention making the Wookie costumes for the Star Wars Holiday Special. He was everywhere, and rightfully so.

Even in the modern age of computer effects overshadowing the "old fashioned" ways, he managed to shine with stunning work on Iron Man. Stan Winston didn't just work on movies, he created dreams and fueled imaginations everywhere. I cant imagine my childhood (which was largely in the 80's) without movies like The Terminator or Aliens; with them I saw things I hadn't even began to dream of that have stuck with me, and millions of others, ever since. His work has created icons, ranging from subtle to magnanimous... all of them nothing less than fantastic.

So long Stan. Thanks for everything.

Solo Review: All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2008)

All the boys love Mandy Lane; it says so in the title, so I have to assume it's cold hard fact and not just supposition. In fact, as hot as she is, I'm guessing that some of the girls love her too. Shes a good girl, a hot and naughty little good girl, and since no one can seem to get in her pants, her vagina instantly becomes the bulls-eye that every pecker in school is aimed at. 

Mandy takes her trifling virgin ass to a party with her lame best guy friend, and calamity ensues. When the party gets too wild, a karate fighter jumps out of the crowd and unleashes his own brand of justice, and not a moment too soon!! Thank you, Fist Man-Kick!

Karate fighters love Mandy Lane too!

One genius ass-neck even tries to jump from the roof of his house into his pool to win her heart; all he wins is death though. Sucker!

"LOL, he died."

A few months later, Mandy is invited to the country for the weekend by the cool kids that still want to bone her. Mission: Bone Mandy Lane begins with plenty of drinking and swimming, weed, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, and smoking and drinking, and drinking. Also, death. Naturally, these annoying teens need to die, as most annoying teens do, and so the body count begins to stack up.

I won't ruin the rest of the movie for you here, but I will say that this goes to show you that getting a piece of ass isn't worth this kind of trouble. Wait a minute, yes it is... just not in this movie.

Not even a hard night of partying can kill Mandy Lane!

 

Amber Heard is the saving grace here; she played her role of personified perfection to a T. While everyone around her was stuck in stereotypical quicksand, she shined as the angelic and unattainable Mandy Lane. If this portrayal was any indication, we have nothing but good things to expect from her in the future.

I loved the atmosphere of this flick; from the old farmhouse that was reminiscent of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (and once owned by Hillary Duff's family), to the slow and deliberate pacing, the color scheme, all the way down to the music. It was almost ethereal to me at times, and it was a nice change of pace. The suspense was palpable here too, although I couldn't come close to being afraid for any of the characters other than Mandy. They deserved what they got!

Why is she running?

Why couldn't they have just let this lesbian kiss happen... for like 20 minutes or so? Amber Heard, you need a lesbian scene!

"Hurry and kiss me before some asshole knocks on the door and ruins it... dammit!!!"

I hated every character in this movie other than Mandy Lane and Garth. The ones that died, deserved it, though I wish it could have been slower and more painful for them. Suck jobs, one and all.

"No chance means no chance... I don't care how big it is."

Oral sex with a shotgun (that doesn't end well), eye slicing, knife violence, shotgun violence... not heavy on the gore, but it's there.

A little bit of boobage, and plenty of hot girls running around in undies and various stages of undress.

Nice sun dress.

Don't ever love Mandy Lane. Also, attractive people are almost always stupid and/or evil.

Or in Mandy Lane's case, a misunderstood romantic.

This is a solid effort that does many things right, and even though it has a flaw or two, the good far outweighs the bad. I say own it, or at the very least give it a rent.

*Addendum: On a fun side-note, this movie was made in 2006, and is just now seeing release in 2013. Sometimes Hollywood just makes no sense whatsoever.

A-

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Oh Amber...