Riddle (2013)

Val Kilmer has always been one of my personal favorite actors. Growing up in the 80's, you couldn't help but love his flicks and the characters he played. The guy was everywhere, and he was awesome.

He was funny as hell in Top Secret and Real Genius. He was as perfect as Iceman in Top Gun as he was Madmartigan in Willow. He was great in The Doors, Thunderheart, and True Romance (though his role in True Romance was tiny.)

His take on Doc Holiday from Tombstone remains to this day one of the best characters I've seen anyone play in any movie, ever.


He was just about as awesome in Heat.

My personal faves of all of his movies, even above Tombstone (which is saying a lot), is Spartan. He was perfect in that film, and I watch it often. It's a go-to film of mine, when nothing else is on that interests me. Then again, most David Mamet flicks are like that for me. Yes, I know... boring.

Point is, the guy has chops, and has shown them time and again.

So as a big fan of his work, it boggles my mind how he's been relegated to the realm of Direct-to-Video movies of late. Sure, there's plenty of rumors out there about how difficult he was to work with, and he's not exactly 20-years-old and sexy anymore, so maybe he's not as marketable as he used to be, but how can no one want to cast him in good roles anymore?

Anywho, he's in Riddle, which was one of the reasons we were interested in seeing it... so, yeah.

Like Taken, but better and smarter. That's right, I said it.

Elisabeth Harnois plays Holly Teller; the All-American girl next door who does her homework and takes extra-special care of her mentally-challenged little brother, Nathan. Well, he's either mentally-challenged or he's extremely awkward and shy, we couldn't really tell. Let's just go with "special."

She's the "normal" one.

Two schoolyard bullies lure poor Nathan into their bitchin' hot rod, and take him on a high speed drive, all in order to make him piss his pants in terror, which he does. They pull over at some shady gas station to let the kid go clean himself up, and he disappears, thus setting up the true riddle of the movie: what happened to Nathan?

"We'd just like to know what happened to the script?"

Years later, Holly returns from College and sees someone in a crowd wearing her brothers shoes, which can't be mistaken for anyone else's shoes, because they have race cars on them. This sends her into an investigative frenzy which eventually leads her to the small town of Riddle, where no one wants to talk to her about her missing brother. Even the local Sheriff tells her to go away and forget about what she thinks she saw, which of course only strengthens her resolve to solve the riddle!

"Seriously, what happened here?"

Average Lifetime movie of the week shenanigans ensue.

Riddle isn't one of the worst movies we've seen recently, it was just one of the most uninspiring and dull ones. The script isn't strong enough to support a movie that involves mostly exposition, and so we were never able to fully get into what we were seeing.

It probably doesn't help matters that IMDB lists Riddle as having two directors and four writers involved with its production. It looks like at some point, someone was replaced, and whatever it was that they were going for with their version of the film, was melded together with whatever the new director/writers were brought in to fix/change/accomplish with it, and the end result was a bit of an uneven mess. We can't really find any info about any of this online, so we're obviously speculating, but the moral of the story is that too many hands in a pot like this seldom leads to good results.

Like this... WTF is this even doing in this movie?

Elisabeth Harnois at least does a solid job playing the concerned sister on a mission, and she was definitely the stand-out here. Don't get me wrong, none of the cast did a bad job in Riddle, but with the material that they had to work with, it just comes off like most of them didn't do a particularly good job either. As I said above, too many hands in the pot kills it.

Val Kilmer looks as if he sleepwalked his way through his performance here, and that has to be due in part to the character he plays. The Sheriff in Riddle seems unwilling to do much other than stare bewilderingly or play cards with his pals, which just made things frustrating. This guy was at one point a Hollywood heavyweight, you'd think they'd give him something juicier and more challenging to work with, you know? Then again, what does he have left to prove? Hell, I'd take a role in Riddle Part 4 if I could, so why shouldn't he?

You'll always be our Huckleberry, Val. Always.

 

Riddle feels like a project that was started with good intentions, but somewhere along the way things got muddled, the producers tried to fix things as they thought best, and it ended up just being even more muddled. A good idea gone bad.

If you don't mind the average Lifetime Channel mystery/thriller, then you'll probably not mind this movie either. In the end though, Riddle is exactly what its title suggests; a puzzling, confused, mess of a riddle, and one that most people wont care to see solved.

D

It makes us happy to see that a fellow Detroiter can not only escape this hellish city that we call home, but be such a Hottie while doing it. Good for you, Elisabeth Harnois.

10 Horror Eyes for March 2013!

Another month, another 10 Horror Eyes!

Is there a Horror movie out there that doesn't offer at least one close-up of someone's eyes during its runtime? We sure hope not, because we just can't get enough of them. They're windows to the soul, you know.

So once again, let us celebrate the ocular images that add that extra tension and emotion to our favorite films. *We mean that as a generality, as these are not necessarily our favorite films. Then again, they're not necessarily not our favorite films, either. Could go either way.

Enjoy.

Telekinetic Eyes (Crawlspace)

Dogfighting Eyes (The ABCs of Death)

Adrenal-eye(s) (Blind Alley)

3-D Projectile Eye (F13th Part 3 in 3-D)

Prophet Eye (Cyborg)

A Sister's Eye (Hex/The Shrieking)

Dedicated Disciple Eyes (Tears of Kali)

Leonard's Eyes (Silent Hill: Revelation)

The Eyes of the Dybbuk (The Possession)

Promiscuous Eyes (Don't Torture A Duckling)

The Theatrical Release Date List has been updated!

This month we've included a little section for the SXSW Festival that runs from March 8th-March 15th,  because SXSW is cool. Another reason would be that there will be a lot of North American and World Premieres at this years festival, some of which have us very interested...

So check the list and plan accordingly, and remember, we only do it because we care.

The Theatrical Trauma of March 1st!

The first weekend in March is a busy one for Theaters, and as genre fans, we have plenty of options to choose from.

The biggest movie in general this week is Jack The Giant Slayer. It looks like it's geared more towards a younger crowd with it's humorous aspects, but it also looks pretty visually impressive, and with  Bryan Singer directing, we have faith that it will be a fun experience.

For Horror fans, the biggest release of the week (depending on your perspective, I suppose), is The Last Exorcism Part II. We thought the trailer for this one actually looked better than it had a right too, but we're still worried that it's going to suck. Not only was it not screened for critics (never a good sign), but early word on Twitter doesn't sound too promising at all. What can we honestly expect from a movie with such a ridiculously nonsensical title like this anyhow? Still, we'll see it, because that's what we do, but we're not very hopeful about the whole thing.

Phantom is also in wide release this week, and it looks to be taking a bit of a critical beating aw well. We love Ed Harris as much as we love the average "crazy shit going down on a submarine" movie, so we'll take our chances despite the negative press.

The big one for us, although its in very Limited Release and won't be playing anywhere near us until March 15th, is Stoker. One of our most anticipated titles of the year, Stoker is renowned Korean Director Park Chan-Wook's first Hollywood movie venture, and by all accounts it should be a good one. If it's playing near you at all, get your arse to the Theater and see it. This could be Best of the Year type material.

As for the rest of the week's new movies, they're all of the Limited Release variety.
The Sweeny was good, if you're looking to see a British Crime Drama. 
My Amityville Horror is an intriguing Documentary about Daniel Lutz, who recalls what growing up in the Amityville Horror house was like.
Rabid Love and The Frankenstein Theory will probably be easiest to catch on VOD, and could both be worth a look.

Brittany Snow is February's Horror Hottie of the Month!

Brittany Snow hasn't had the most prolific Horror movie career, but dammit, she's trying!

The first time we laid eyes on Brittany Snow, it wasn't in a horror movie per se, but in a disturbing little Indie film called On the Doll. That title and its implications alone are enough to give the average person the willies, but what lies within is even worse. One scene, in which our pretty little Brittany pummels some guys balls into oblivion, illustrates its disturbing nature best:

*Be warned, this video is most definitely NSFW

Brittany Snow in On the Doll
That's about as horrific as it gets, and yet, she stole our hearts despite making us incredibly wary of her.

From there she truly moved into our realm with 2008's Prom Night remake. The movie may not have been all that great, but Brittany made for a great Final Girl. The doe-eyed pretty girl was in trouble, and we feared for her safety! Alright, her being nice to look at made us care about her character more, we can't lie. Still, she did good.

I mean, just look at how bewildered and helpless she seems. Sure, we've seen her beat a guy unconscious (via his balls) in a fit of creepy rage, but we know that's not who she really is. She's vulnerable. She looks so confused, and lost, like nothing makes sense to her... how can that not touch our souls?

After barely surviving her Prom Night, Brittany Snow went a little batty and decided to dye her hair black, trying her best to act like a tough Goth chick, but we saw through her clever ruse. She did look pretty hot as a brunette though. *Oddly, she also look less bewildered and empty headed as a brunette, which leads us to believe that maybe she's just a good actress.

 

As well as her brunette experiment went, she eventually decided to become a redhead, which worked equally well for us. She was in full Fire-crotch glory in 2012's Pitch Perfect, which ended up being a funnier flick that we though it would be. Funny as it was, Brittany just couldn't help but regress to that dark and twisted place in her soul... by trying to rape Anna Kendrick in the shower! It's a truly chilling scene, which incidentally looks really good in Blu-ray.

What really elevated Brittany Snow to true Horror Hottie status though, was her turn in Would You Rather?. Not only was it a great movie which once again showcased her excellent Final Girl skills, but she actually executive produced the flick! You know why that's so awesome? Because it shows that she loves the Horror Genre, and isn't just some dumb ass actress out for any paycheck she can grab. She's the real deal.

Sadly, Brittany Snow went insane following the production of Would You Rather?, changing her name to Marnie Tethers, and embarking on an invasive Christmas caroling spree which saw her end up bankrupt and possibly facing jail time.

Christmas Caroling w/ Brittany Snow from Brittany Snow     

Insane or not, we still love us some Brittany Snow. She's too hot and talented for us not to.

More of Brittany Snow

You're welcome.