The 31 Days of Horror- #11

"One of the best werewolf movies ever, and one of the worst vampire movies ever made..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: Though it may seem like no more than a Syfy Channel movie to the casual observer, this is a modern day classic without a doubt. Dog Soldiers can proudly say it belongs along side of An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, and Silver Bullet as one of the few truly excellent Werewolf movies ever made. Yeah I know many will say Lon Chaney this, or Ginger Snaps that, but really, you can keep the cheese and teen angst and give me some bad-ass looking, mean-spirited Lycanthropes any day. Finally, after so long, a movie does Werewolves the complete justice that they deserve, and keeps us on the edge of our seats all the while. It's well made, stylish, bloody, action packed and fun. If you hunger for a real Werewolf movie, then this is a must see.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: This movie (and book series) sells Teen girl pretty short in my opinion. Here we have an utterly confused girl who falls for a creepy, stalker-ish guy, despite his admitting to murdering people and wanting to drink her blood, thereby putting her life, as well as those of her family, in mortal danger... All for love? Of course it's a deep, soul-searing love that feverishly blooms at first sight, because love has nothing to do with getting to know someone over time... it's based on staring at each other. I mean the guy is a 100+ year old man, in the body of a Teenager, and he's in love with a 17-year-old girl... Is that not a pedophile? But it's ok because he looks 17? Also, the Vampires in this movie glitter. They also go to High School, have the option of living off of Animal Blood, stare blankly, look utterly non-menacing when angered/ready to fight, and suck.

This is a story for underdeveloped minds, plain and simple.

The 31 Days of Horror- #12

A truly original and unsettling monster flick, and another f'ing WB/Abercrombie inspired horror movie..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: The creature in this movie, and the things it does to a human body are a thing of brilliance; The cracking and breaking, the lumbering around with a broken body, in search of its next meal/host... You can only catch quick shots of the creature, but when you do, it more than gets its point across.

Splinter is a pretty good effort that manages to deliver some creepy atmosphere and tense moments, complimented by some pretty intense gore effects... not to mention the hotness of Jill Wagner, who can actually act as well.

The Train Wreck: 
The Master says: Ok fine, the original Prom Night isn't one of the greatest classic 80's slashers, but it's hell and gone better than this predictable snooze-fest. Another one for the kiddies, this movie is devoid of anything resembling a scare. I did like the hot chicks, but even they weren't enough to save this movie from its own ridiculous and 100% predictable plot. Horror of the 80's was fairly predictable too sometimes, but wasn't there more of a payoff back then? Didn't they actually scare us, or gross us out or something? Making the killer visible and more of a "normal" guy was a big mistake here...

The 31 Days of Horror- #13

Unlucky number 13!

A twisted, twisted story about bad parenting, and Lovecraft gone gay...
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: This is an F'ing sick and twisted movie, and I don't ever want to see it again. If the goal of a horror movie is to disturb us, freak us out, make us say "what the f**k" to the screen multiple times, then cry ourselves to sleep afterward, this movie hits the mark. From about 25 minutes in, this move pours on the dread and tension, and maintains it throughout the rest of the movie... I'm serious when I say I had a constant grimace on my face throughout this one, and for a while after. I remember feeling dirty after seeing Inside last year, and this one made me feel downright filthy.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: HP Lovecraft created a fantastic mythos with Cthulhu and the Ancient Ones which has yet to be captured properly on film. Not only did this movie suck at representing the work of HP Lovecraft, but the producers made the main character gay to show how horrific it is to be gay in a small town? Keep your politics out of Horror please, or at least make a good, compelling movie that's actually about what it's supposed to be about, and then add the gay suffrage crap in after. This movie was slow, boring, devoid of any kind of tension... What an absolute butchering of the name Cthulhu and of the work of HP Lovecraft.

The 31 Days of Horror- #14

The Hidden Gem:The Master says: The French have more than made their presence felt in the horror genre over the course of this decade, and Frontiere(s) is one example of why they're so damned good at it. It's as much disturbing and unsettling as it is overtly violent and bloody, with all of those elements present and used to great effect. Neo Nazi's living in the French countryside and trying to start a new master race using such building blocks as rape and torture... those crazy Krauts! I still say that the table saw scene is one of my favorite horror scenes in recent memory... love it!

The Train Wreck:The Master says:"If this movie was named Shitter, at least they would have gotten the title right. As remakes go, this one was just painfully bad. Pacey from Dawson's Creek? The guy has the emotional range of a potato... Seriously, sit and watch a potato for 90 minutes, and it's almost the same thing, except that the potato is more believable when it emotes. That's not to mention the lame jump scares, slow pacing, and lack of atmosphere of the film itself. Again we get more lame PG-13 fare that suckers teens into the theater, takes their money, and then laughs in their faces. Could Hollywood at least stick to making crappy movies that suck on their own, and leave good foreign films alone instead of remaking them? Watch the original, save yourself the pain."

The 31 Days of Horror- #15

"Some awesome Nazi zombies, and the first Uwe Boll movie of the countdown rears its ugly head..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says:"This movie frigging rocked and it's destined to become a cult classic, if it isn't already. It's not perfect, but it's fun, bloody, interesting, visually breathtaking, fun, and bloody. And fun. Also bloody. Why hasn't the idea of Nazi zombies returning to wreak havoc on the world been thought of before? Ingenious. The only way zombies could be more evil and threatening is if Michael Jackson were to rise from the grave with a hunger for the meat of small children, and his face was all falling apart and stuff, and he looked like a creepy ghoul... oh wait a minute, that actually happened while he was alive. Too soon?"

The Train Wreck:The Master says:"Aah, video game movies. So many of them have been made, and so, so many of those have truly sucked; Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter, Double Dragon, Wing Commander... and this craptacular gem from maybe the worst filmmaker of all time, Uwe Boll. What is this guy thinking when he makes a movie? Better yet, how does he get decent actors to continually star in them? Disjointed, stiff, poorly plotted... this one should have been left as a game, and spared us the pain and boredom that it inspired. Poor Christian Slater. Oh, and we will see more of Mr. Uwe Boll on the countdown, and soon..."

The 31 Days of Horror- #16

"One of the funniest horror comedies ever, and yet another remake that butchers the original..."
The Hidden Gem: 
The Master says: At the point where one of the characters asks "Who's driving the car?" and they cut to a shot of an insane sheep driving the car while screaming "baa!", I fell in love with this movie. Genetically mutated sheep going berserk and killing any human that gets in their way... how can you not love that? Yes it's goofy, but man is it fun to watch and funny as hell. Australia seems to have had a knack this decade for giving the world some interesting and fun Horror flicks, and this one is definitely one of their best efforts.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: Rutger Hauer should be pissed-off knowing that this tepid remake of his 1986 classic even exists. This went from being a gripping story about two ordinary people being terrorized for no reason at all, by a truly unbalanced maniac (original), to a couple of hip gap models being chased up and down the road by someone who sure looks like he's "crazy" (remake.) Bland, devoid of anything interesting, and a waste of Sean Bean's talent, this movie should be left by the side of the road... because it's The Hitcher, get it? Don't pick it up like you would a hitcher... never mind."

The 31 Days of Horror- #17

"A surprisingly creepy haunted house movie, and a remake that butchers the original j-horror classic..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: This is a movie that is so small that I still feel like I haven't heard about it, but am glad that I have. In the Found Footage vein of Blair Witch, the SFE was one of those movies that was not really well made, had some bad dialogue and sometimes shoddy acting, and yet managed to creep the hell out of me at the same time. I can see how some people hate this movie (it's actually quite hate-able), but for me it works as a cheap haunted house picture that most people will never even know about.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: Here's one of my golden rules: If Pacey from Dawson's Creek or Edward Burns are in a movie, it's most likely going to suck. This movie not only sucks as a movie, but as a remake of a good movie, and also as a Horror movie in general. It's also got Ed Burns in it, which makes it suck on a whole different level. The Americanized version of this J-Horror classic is devoid of any scares, tension, or believability that the original possessed, and instead makes me remember just how bad Ed Burns is, and how devoid of originality Hollywood can be at times. Then again, if you like wooden acting and evil ring tones, please feel free to love this one.

The 31 Days of Horror- #18

"A hand-held viral zombie creepfest, and a movie in which nothing really happens..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: This is a really creepy movie, and aside from the lame trappings of the new "hand-held horror" craze, is extremely effective. The last 10 minutes absolutely changed the movie for me, and took it to a much creepier place than just your standard "Infected people turning into killer zombie" fare. I loved the twist, and would have like to have seen that premise explored more. I'm hoping [REC] 2 will give me what I want!

The Train Wreck:The Master says: Really, what was the purpose of this movie? Nothing happened in it. I don't know if I've ever seen a non-creepier movie than this. Why Wes Craven would attach his name to such a mess is beyond me, though I guess it's good that he only produced and didn't direct. It blows my mind that a little movie like Paranormal Activity can leave audiences terrified on a $15,000 budget, while this turd cost millions and delivers nothing more than a movie good for inducing nap time.

The 31 Days of Horror- #19

"The French version of The Strangers, and Stephen Sommers murdering more of our fond childhood memories..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: The French strike again, this time with their own version of The Strangers. The whole concept of mostly-unseen killers terrorizing people who are stuck out in the middle of nowhere is pretty creepy to me, and add to that the identity of these killers (which I won't spoil here), Ils is a thoroughly unsettling slice of modern Horror cinema. To this day after watching this movie, I do a barrel roll and hide whenever I hear that awful noisemaker-thingy clicking sound. Especially when I'm in Europe.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: Maybe it's not a pure Horror movie, but when you shit on the classic Universal Monsters like this, you must be taken to task by the Horror community. Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman... they aren't characters, they're institutions, and you don't CGI them up and dumb them down like this! After watching this, The Mummy movies, and the recent abomination that was G.I. Joe, it's more than clear that Stephen Sommers should never be allowed to make anything other than crappy kids movies ever again. Sorry Hugh Jackman, you're cool and all, and we know Kate Beckinsale is always smoking hot, but sitting through this movie is about as fun as giving your Grandmother a back rub... with your face, minus the smell of Vick's Vaporub and decay."

A quick tally...

Now that The 31 Days of Horror has entered the top 20, with 12 movies already accounted for, let's take a quick gander at what kinds of movie are making up our little countdown(Each movie will be added to only one sub-category): The Gems- The U.S.- 8 Norway- 2 Austria- 1 Japan- 1 Where is France? England? Guam?!? The Train Wrecks- Crappy Remakes- 4 Bad Sequels- 5 Hollywood- 2 M.Night Shamalylanan- 1 No Uwe Boll? No Emo vampires? Will M.Night Shanmlanaman appear again? Stay tuned...

The 31 Days of Horror- #20

Oooh, the top 20 has begun!

"A naughty, sexy little slasher, and a glossy, sucky remake..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: This gem is so hidden, that it's been finished since 2006 and hasn't been released yet! I don't get what the problem is with at least throwing this one out on Region 1 DVD (They've had it on Blu-Ray in Europe for a while now), because it's a sleek, fun, ethereal, atmospheric little teen slasher, that actually makes an effort to be more mature than most of its peers. It's not perfect, and some people might actually not like it, but it's so much better than most of the Teen Terror crap we get that it deserves to be released. Have I mentioned how hot Amber Heard is? After taking one look at her, I have no doubts that all the boys truly love her...and even some of the girls.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: Before we start; the original April Fools Day (1986) wasn't perfect, nor was it even that great. Still, it was clever and fun, and I remember Muffy creeping the hell out of me as a kid. As far as this remake goes, the creepiest thing about it is the fact that movies like this are allowed to be made with no care for or attention paid to what makes a horror movie good. The kills suck, the characters are annoying (is there any way that people named Blaine, Torrance or Barbie could not be annoying?), and the plot was paper thin and predictable. If you don't see the "Twist" coming from at least 426 miles away, you have issues. Completely frustrating, this is a great example of why remakes, even of mediocre films, really tend to suck.