VOD Review: The Houses October Built 2 (2017)

"Cool haunted houses, but everything else is pure aggravation."

We really loved The Houses October Built (review HERE.) It wasn't a perfect movie, but it had a great premise, some creepy locations, and Blue Skeleton felt terrifyingly real. It captured the Halloween spirit well, and it made for a good October watch.

With this sequel though, the events of the first movie are rendered obsolete, and any promise of any sort of chills or thrills are thrown out the window, because we were cheated once, so chances are that we're about to be cheated again.

What a shame too, because this series had some solid franchise potential.


*There will be spoilers below, so proceed with caution.

It's been a year since our gang of five friends drove across America to find the best, most extreme Haunted House that they could. That little excursion ended with them being stalked by a mysterious group called Blue Skeleton, who killed four of them, and buried the fifth, Brandy, alive. But wait... it turns out that everything the friends experienced was part of the most extreme haunt of all time, and they're all still alive.

THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL.

A year later Brandy lives in a secluded spot, still traumatized by the events of her Blue Skeleton run-in. The rest of her pals have gained a bunch of Internet fame, and have decided to once again hit the road to find the country's most extreme haunts, and milk their half-assed fame for every penny that they can. Since the guys are all tools, it's really Brandy that the world wants to see, but she refuses to go with them, because she's frigging traumatized.

YOUR FRIENDS ARE TOOLS, DITCH THEM.

She eventually gives in and decides to go with them (she likes money too), and they head off on a new adventure, recording everything they do. Blue Skeleton is also recording everything they do, because it's apparent that the creepy gang wants another go at them. This time though, there are twists and turns coming that no one could possibly ever imagine.

Unless you watch the movie for like 20 minutes, then you'll get what's going on. 

LOOKS LIKE FUN.

This sequel is basically the same movie as the first one, only devoid of any legitimate scares. It's Longer, and it has some plot twists that differ from the first one, but it's basically the same exact movie. Oh, and the characters are less likable too. And there are NO SCARES.

The thing that I don't get about this movie is that it opens with the events of the first movie being an elaborate Haunted House experience in which nobody dies, which pretty much negates the power of the whole thing. How are you expecting an audience to buy into the "scary" aspects of a sequel, when the first movie pulled the wool over your eyes like that?

Even worse, they do the same thing again here, only in a far more elaborate and silly way. Are we really supposed to believe that a girl who was so traumatized searching for the most extreme haunt in the country is going to go on that same search the very next year, because her asshole friends want to go viral and make some money? And when the end arrives, and we finally see whether things are real or not this time, or part of another immersive, extreme haunt experience, we're treated to a silly twist followed by another head-scratching twist that actually pissed us off.

As good and different as the first one was, this is how you follow it up? How are we supposed to feel scared when we know that the whole thing is a haunted house gag?

RIGHT.

There are a few bloody bits towards the end, but aside from some cool effects at some of the visited haunts, this one is relatively dry.

BABYDOLL IS STILL PRETTY COOL THOUGH.

Not that kind of movie, although some of the actors at one of the haunts was kinda naked.

US TOO, HONEY. US TOO.

If you like the real-life haunt footage of the first one, then you'll most likely dig this one too. Unless of course the fact that none of the characters died in the first one irks you, then this sequel will irk you even more, because it follows the same path, with a few different turns.

As for us, we're just going to pretend the first one was the end of the whole mess, and call it a day.

D+

The Houses October Built 2 is available now on VOD.

Brandy Schaefer is the focus of these movies, and deservedly so.

Blu-ray Review: Alien: Resurrection (1997)

"The worst movie in the series, by far."

(aka Why?)
Release Date: November 26th, 1997.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Joss Whedon.
Directed by: John-Pierre Jeunet.
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, Michael Wincott, Brad Dourif, and Leland Orser.

That's not to say that Resurrection doesn't have its moment's because it does, but it's such a tonal mess that it's hard not to rip on it.

Joss Whedon, who wrote the movie, has not been shy in his criticism of the final thing, bashing the casting, line delivery of the characters,and basically everything else about the movie. He has a point with his criticisms, but his script is to blame for more than a few of them, so really Joss, why are you bitching.

Watching this movie now, it feels like Whedon's TV show Firefly, only with Aliens in it. And that is a mixture that doesn't quite take here.

200 years after the events of Alien 3, Ripley has been cloned by a gang of evil space scientists aboard the spaceship Auriga, in hopes of getting their hands on the Alien Queen that she had growing inside of her when she did the swan dive into the molten steel back on Fiorina 161. After a few botched attempts, they finally clone her properly, remove the alien from her chest, and set to using the Alien DNA to perform all kinds of scientific miracles, because they are the perfect organism. They also want an Alien Army, because why wouldn't they?

THE MONSTER'S MOTHER.

Enter the Firefly-like crew of The Betty, the decidedly Firefly-like ship with a Firefly-like name, who arrive at The Auriga to deliver some humans for Alien Implantation. They're sassy and foul-mouthed smugglers, save for Call, the quiet girl who seems out of place, which there's a reason for.

IT'S LIKE A PROMO SHOT FROM A TV PILOT.

When the Aliens escape their containment, it's every man for themselves, but lucky for everyone that Super Ripley is there to save their asses, because she's got some keen insight on the Aliens now, since she had one inside of her. 

THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH US WATCHING THIS MOVIE.

This isn't a very good movie, especially not for an Alien movie, but it is enjoyable enough as campy fun. It's got plenty of action, lots of gore, and some actors who elevate the shoddy material with their presence alone.

Ripley is cool in this movie. She's not really "human" anymore, so she's kind of relaxed and detached from things, and almost nihilistic. She's also way tougher and stronger, which makes her a better ass-kicking machine.

Ron Perlman was great, as he always is, as Johner. Same goes for Brad Dourif, awesome as always, although his was a smaller role. It really sucked that they killed Michael Wincott's character off so soon, because he's so great and underrated, but he was awesome too.

THIS GUY.

The problem with this movie is that it plays like any other Space Horror flick that copies off of Alien (1979), instead doing something worthy of being a sequel of that classic. Joss Whedon's script is the main culprit, giving us one-dimensional characters who fire off lines like "Earth, man. What a shithole." He tried to make it witty and hip like Buffy or Firefly, and it just didn't work here.

And how long were they under water, swimming, fighting aliens, screaming and struggling, without taking a breath?

It also didn't make very much use of the whole Earth aspect of the flick; ***SPOILER*** When they finally get to Earth, we see that they've landed in Paris, only Paris looks like a destroyed bunch of ruins. I never got the impression that Earth was supposed to be destroyed like that, and maybe that's just something they came up with for this movie, but it begs a lot of questions and leaves us, the Alien fans, wanting.

It's also not a very scary movie, like its predecessors. It focuses much more on quips and action beats, which is really what Joss Whedon does best.

And as good as Wynona Ryder is in general, she was way out of place in this movie.

THE ALIENS SWIM NOW. OF COURSE THEY DO.

Whoever came up with that mongoloid Human-Alien hybrid thing, or maybe it was whoever brought it to life on-screen, dropped the ball. It looked silly, and it made us laugh with its little puppy-like whimpers and sad eyes.

It's cringe-worthy.

WHO DID THIS? AND WHY?!?

This movie at least delivers the gory goods, and some truly out-there set pieces.

AND THE ALIENS, AS ALWAYS, ARE COOL.

No, but Joss Whedon made sure to add plenty of lesbian subtext between Ripley and Call, which really felt out of place and kind of lame.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE MOVIE THO.

If this wasn't an entry in the Alien franchise, I could honestly say that it's a pretty fun flick. It is though, and viewing it as such just makes the whole thing seem like a half-assed cash-in attempt.

D+

Alien: Resurrection is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Ryder, indeed.

Blu-ray Review: Alien 3 (1992)

"The Assembly Cut makes this one a better film."
(aka A Tale of 12 Writers.)
Release Date: May 22nd, 1992.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Vincent Ward.
Directed by: David Fincher.
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Charles S. Dutton, Charles Dance, Lance Henrisksen and Pete Postlethwaite.

This is the bastard child of the Alien series, and I say that not because it's viewed as the worst Alien movie made (that honor goes to Part 4), but because it's actually a good flick that never got a chance to shine.

David Fincher used to direct music videos, and I mean prolifically. Throughout the 80's and 90's he helmed videos for Foreigner, Sting, Paula Abdul, Madonna, Aerosmith, and the list goes on. He went on to become one of the best film directors that we have, giving us top-notch flicks like Se7en, Fight Club, The Game, Zodiac, The Social Network, and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

His first film was Alien 3.

This movie had production issues from the start. It was re-written a few times (some of the originally story arcs were cool); Siguorney Weaver said she'd do the flick, but it had to have no guns (she's like that); Renny Harlin, the original director, quit to go make Die Hard 2; the next director was fired; and when they finally got a director to stick, the "Music Video Guy" David Fincher, the film was so bastardized by studio execs by then, that the result was a movie that didn't resonate well with most people, especially said director.

So when I decided to watch the movie again to review it, I watched the 2003 Assembly Cut, which is about as close to a Director's Cut as we'll ever see, seeing as how David Fincher has pretty much disowned the movie and wants nothing to do with it.

And it was really good.

Not long after (presumably) the ending of Aliens, The Sulaco catches fire, and Ripley, Hicks, and Newt are jettisoned from the ship in an escape pod while in deep cryo-sleep. The pod crashes on a desolate planet, with Ripley being the only survivor. A guy finds her on the beach, covered in lice, and brings her back to his home.

MAN, SHE JUST CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.

His home is a prison full of rapists and murderers, and it's soon clear that the arrival of a woman is not such a great thing. Distraught at learning of Newt and Hicks' deaths, she frantically demands that they do an autopsy on Newt's body, fearing that a Xenomorph had something to do with the crash. With all the shit that she's been though, she has a right to be paranoid.

AND THE RIGHT TO SHAVE HER HEAD.

Turns out that there is an Alien on the planet, but it's not inside of Newt. It finds a host, grows up quick, and begins to make snacks out of the prisoners. Ripley, along with a few of the "good" prisoners, devise a plan to kill the thing, and they spend the rest of the movie running around trying to survive so that they can execute said plan. Ripley also spends a lot of time trying not to get raped.

Shades of the first movie ensue.

"GIVE ME A KEEEES!"

I can finally say that Alien 3 is a good movie without cringing and feeling like I'm being overly-generous.

The Assembly Cut adds 25 minutes to the move, adding some footage, getting rid of some other footage, and the end result is a better, deeper, more cohesive movie. The first act is a way better set-up, visually, and character-wise, as far as the prisoners and Ripley go; the Alien comes out of an ox instead of a dog; the creepy inmate Golic, and his demise, get way more screen time; and Ripley's final scene is different, and way less cheesy.

It's finally a cohesive movie, and one that works way better than its theatrical counterpart. Overall it plays just like first Alien movie, utilizing the stalk-and-slash thing to deliver the Horror, but it does so pretty well, and in some places, it's fantastic.

The cast here is the real standout, with brilliant actors like Charles Dance, Pete Postlethwaite, and Charles S. Dutton making their prisoner characters anything but standard. They're a treat to watch in anything, and especially so here. Sigourney Weaver is effective again as Ripley too, but that's nothing shocking.

HE LOOKS WAY TOO HAPPY HERE...

The CGI in this movie was bad. Granted, it was made in 1992, and CGI was nowhere near what it is today, but still it's distracting to watch, even given the restraints of the time.

THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN BAD GREEN SCREEN.

The way that they wrote out Hicks and Newt was cheap and completely shitty. I know there were a lot of production issues with this movie, but you don't nullify the ending of Aliens by killing the happiness of it.

Michael Biehn was pretty pissed about it, and he deserves to be.

LANCE HENRIKSEN SHOWED UP THOUGH.

This one is way bloodier than the first two, including a messy autopsy scene. 

AND A FULL-GROWN CHESTBURSTER.

Nope, but there is some sexual content, if you want to call it that.

WHO COULD RESIST HIS CHARMS?

"You've been in my life so long, I can't remember anything else."
"I gotta "re-educate" some of the brothers!"

SO PENSIVE.

If you watch the Assembly Cut, Alien 3 is a move that is closer to being the sequel that Aliens deserved. It's still not perfect, but it was tinkered and tampered with so much by idiot hands, that it never really had a chance to be. Fincher makes the best of it though, and it's a fine addition to the franchise.

It is a shame though that we'll never get to see what could have been, had they let Fincher do what he wanted to with the film.

B- (Assembly Cut only, otherwise it's probably a C-)

Alien 3 is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

They were originally going to use a dog to play the "Dog Alien." He looks thrilled, doesn't he?