Battleship (2012)

 
Battleship ain't no Avengers.

The grammar in the above sentence made me cringe, but there's really just no other way to say it.

Like The Avengers, Battleship is a big budget summer movie that delivers tons of action, some eye-popping visuals, and even a few doses of cheesy patriotism. Unlike The Avengers though, Battleship is all but devoid of solid characters, emotion, and an intelligent story to fill out the action. Oh, and the dialogue is pretty bad too.

I think that Battleship is what many people expected The Avengers to be; a mindless, fun, visually pleasing action fest, that was hollow on the inside and offered no depth of script, directing and acting.

See, it's pretty cool looking...

Peter Berg once directed a movie called The Kingdom. For those of you unfamiliar with that movie, The Kingdom was a tight, tense movie about an FBI investigation into the bombing of an Army Barracks in the Middle East. It was a great movie, which was as action filled as it was emotional. Had Berg been able to follow that same template with Battleship, it would have been far more rewarding and surprising.

I guess the point I'm trying to get across here is if you like your action flicks huge with tons of spectacle, and you don't care if the characters are original, the story is cliche, and the dialogue is painfully hard to swallow, then Battleship will make you happy.

Ooh, shiny!

It really, really, really felt like a Michael Bay movie, only less good. The script was so shallow and weak, that it honestly felt like they just lifted scenes and gags from every other action movie that has come before it:  

"A misfit hero is on the verge of losing everything he knows and cares about when he's thrust into the middle of a crazy conflict. Now, only he can save the world, but first he must mature and gain the trust of his fellow soldiers, all of whom think he's a loose cannon of a maverick. Can he learn what love and duty mean in time, or is everyone doomed because he's the only chance they've got?"

As cheesy and generic as the whole thing was, I have to give credit to one scene that sucked me in; the Veterans.It was uber-cheesy, but for some reason I ate it up.

Come on, Rihanna... you... you don't really think you can act, do you?

I feel bad for Taylor Kitsch. He was so good in Friday Night Lights (TV), but this year he added the atrocious John Carter and now Battleship to his resume, both of which do nothing for his career. Hopefully he can move past them to find better roles, because the kid has some talent. And what is with Rihanna showing up in this? Girl is a singer not an actor. What about Alexander Skarsgard? He was good, right? Meh. He did what he could.

For the record, Liam Neeson does little in this movie aside from providing some "comic" relief. If you're going to see Battleship because he's in it, just know he doesn't have a big or important role.

The look on her face pretty much says it all for us too.

This movie earns a C- based on eye candy alone. If it weren't for the big, crazy, action set pieces, there's be nothing else to enjoy here. Peter Berg and his cast are all capable of much better than this, but then this is the summer blockbuster game, and it's not really about quality so much as bankable spectacle at this level, is it? If you want some big, dumb fun, then go check this out. If you can't stand mindless, derivative glitter, then go see The Avengers again.

Only one of Brooklynn Decker and little miss Rihanna look hot in this movie, the other spends the movie looking worried and sweating a lot. Either way, we're fine with that.

Running Commentary Review: Attack Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead (2008)

It's been too long since the last RCR, and I'm excited to get back too it again! This movie seems like the perfect candidate too... Keep in mind that these RCR's are nothing more than me making quick comments as I'm watching the movie, so some of it may seem out of place or random. this is all "Live as it happens" people!

Start- They're warning me that the movie contains graphic violence. I certainly hope it does! It's 1 day until the big meet, and some chick is practicing her swimming. I think there's a Zombie in the pool. Nope, it's another chick... Or not. I'm confused.

Alone?

3:23- Japanese schoolgirls and heavy metal; things are picking up! Coach Yang sure is tough on the girls. Like seriously, he pushes them down and smacks them right in the face! "A new virus is going around. Please remember to wash your hands and gargle."

Coach Yang is a dick.

7:02- Shower scene! Aki is taking a slow, wet shower after falling in the pool? Oh wait, another girl is joining her... and they both have the same bruise/birthmark on their boob. This is very gratuitous.

They're so nervous.

And coach Yang is toast! Wait... if this is a zombie movie, why is someone getting stabbed to death? "A new virus is going around . Please remember to wash your hands and gargle." Okay, we heard you the first 30 times!

Gargle on this!

10:40- Vaccination time. Apparently there's a virus on the loose in school. Oh, I see. Students get their shots first then the teachers get... a different vaccine. Methinks the creepy doctor has some sort of nefarious plan brewing... And the chicks from the shower have the same mole too. What is their connection, aside from the obvious lesbian tension between them? I think hope they might end up in love.

Love or lust, either way.

15:12- In the midst of everyone getting "sick", they found coach's corpse. But he's alive... and happy? I think everybody is Zombifying. That or they're getting the flu. Nope, it's not the flu.  

WTF! Zombie teacher is juggling rulers? In a fantastic display of multitasking, he's also severing spines and limbs with them while giving his math lesson. Why is no one running? Limbs are flying everywhere! Blood is spraying in fountains! Eyes are popping! Schoolgirls are vomiting! I think the shit has just hit the fan! Why is no one running?!?!?!?

Why you no run?

20:45- Miss Mariko has the principal tied up in the bathroom, and is cutting off his toes. Also, Zombie schoolgirls are everywhere! Luckily for Aki, she knows karate! She also has no problem slitting throats and breaking necks, so she's all set.

With only the girls swim team unaffected, it's up to them to survive alone! Oh sweet Jesus, here's that juggling Zombie teacher again. What is it with him and apples! Get him, Aki! Good girl.

30:00- Aki's crazy doppelganger friend is feeding her soup and going on about how they will still go to the swim meet. Yep. "There was this crazy doctor. He was a crazy doctor." You just said the same thing twice Aki.

Flashback time... He was a crazy doctor! He keeps Aki naked, forces her to jog and do bikini push ups, wear a ball gag, and trains her to be an assassin. A water assassin.

I support this.

End of flashback. Now, the crazy chick is feeding Aki soup again... with her mouth! Forget the soup, now they're making out. It must taste like soup. Off come the shirts, to compare bruises of course. And now they're having sex. Afterward, the weird chick tells Aki that she was separated from her twin sister at birth, and then plays guitar. I think two sisters just had lesbian sex.

I also support this.

42:31- Crazy teacher with a chainsaw! Luckily, Aki shows up and kicks her ass. Running to the pool, Aki also discovers that chlorine is the antidote to the Zombie vaccine? But only in the students? Crazy teacher returns, and they throw her in the pool, sans chainsaw.

It looks ronery.

Shower time again, and apparently flashback time again too. What the hell is with the flute? Holy shit, this guy is the pied piper of pussy! His smooth tones make Aki drop trou faster than a Kenny G song makes me want to hurt small animals. I'm not sure, but this may be rape.

The song is called "I want to be in you."

56:00- The Pied Piper is back and behind all of the viral shenanigan's apparently thinking that he can have Aki for himself with just a few toots of his flute. Wrong! She's on the swim team now! Attack Girls Swim Team super crazy amazing rainbow fight time now!

1:03:08- Aki and the crazy chick are making out again, but this time... oh crap, another flashback. To say anymore would give away the "twist", but let me just say this: WTF?!?

That's what you get for making out with everyone, hooker.

End- Seriously, the ending made me yell WTF?!? Out loud.

All I'm saying is, vag-laser.

Lot's of boobs, plenty of lesbian sex, some regular sex, shower scenes, all kinds of gore, and a plot that left me baffled.

It's not Tokyo Gore Police, but it's crazy enough to deserve a solid, guilty pleasure-laden grade of C.

Attack Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead is available now on DVD.

Whatever.

Running Commentary Review: Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Finally, I get a chance to sit and do a running commentary review on this movie... and what a messed up little flick it is!

Keep in mind that these RCR reviews are just us sitting and watching a movie, and me typing our random thoughts as we go along. Oh yeah, and this movie rules.  

START- After a quick head explosion, we move to a bloody chainsaw and bloody scraps of a body... This might just be good! The bad guy did some nasty things to that body... Special Squad is on the case though! The TGP will get him, even if their main chick is sitting in her car cutting herself... hmm. She's really cutting into herself with that straight-razor, she must be Emo.

Random wacky Asian chick interlude!

5:28- After having 5000+ machine gun rounds emptied into him, the bad guy grows a chainsaw out of his arm! I think the cops are screwed. Jesus Christ on a stick... this movie is messed up! Well, the hot Asian cutter-cop shows up dressed like a schoolgirl, and pretty much hands the guy's ass to him. And his nose. And arm. This chick is bad-ass.

Behold, the vengeance of an Emo cutter!

8:50- 50 gallons of blood so far.  

9:34- This definitely has a Starship Troopers-like vibe to it. Then again, Starship Troopers never made me want to swear off eating meat 10 minutes into it... but it did make me swear off Casper Van Dien! Screw him.  

12:22- Japan sure is a crazy place; the Police drink OJ in bars, women will beat you with vegetables if asked, people are scared of the Police (much like they are in L.A.), and they enjoy octopus porn (much like the people of Witchita, KS.)  

16:50- Japanese viking guy walking his limbless human fetish dog! Really. False alarm, it's just Ruka's birthday party. WTF? They give out merit badges? Nice cake though.  

Happy Birthday?

19:00- Flashback time: Ruka's mom goes insane cutting potatoes, and cuts herself Emo style on her daughters b-day. I'm confused, is the fat sweaty Asian dude with the underage hooker part of the flashback? For that matter, is the writhing pink dildo a part of it too? Nope, her name is Yuka... I think. Still doesn't explain the dong.  

23:00- Female pimp get drained of her blood; killer uses juicy juice bottles. A Harakiri commercial follows. Stop the Harakiri! Nice message. Back to the chick pimp, she's now stuffed into a small cardboard box.

A handy illustration!

27:12- Ruka is going undercover as a hooker to catch the serial killing engineer, so she hops a train, and catches a crazy commercial: Yay! New designer wrist-cutters! Yay! Yay, yay! They're so cute! Yayyyyyyy! They even come in pink.  

30:05- Lesson: Never grab the ass of an undercover cop in Japan, even if she looks like a whore, because she will enforce the law on your ass! 

That's entrapment.

35:43- Crazy 3-pronged knife/sword fight! She cuts him across the nose! Oh shit, the engineer is having a seizure... or... or he's...yeah, he's pulling his face apart to blind her with geysers of blood. Of dude, he pulled it off! He has cannon eyes now... is this an homage to Cronenberg? Pinned against the wall, he's rubbing her up... and opening up a keyhole on her arm with a key he pulled from his brain? Am I on acid right now?

WTF am I watching...

39:46- 100 gallons of blood so far.  

46:46- A virtual Wii snuff game commercial! Fun for the whole family. These commercials kill me, LULZ. Ruka is hot on the trail of the half-headed guy, and realizes she's been set up! Also, the chief gets high by drawing a syringe on his arm?!? A censored commercial showing the TGP playing soccer with some kids using a guys head is next.  

51:40- A crazy Japanese fetish party ensues, complete with leather, penis-nose appendages, and a snail girl... and a living, breathing, naked, human chick-chair, hooked up to an IV. That one is apparently the hit of the party. Why would I make this up? OMG, the human chair just peed into the crowd! Yeah. They're drinking/showering in it too. What in the blue hell is going on here?!? This has officially turned into a piss party. Oddly enough, I need to go pee, brb. 

I'm kinda scared right now.

55:00- 150 gallons of blood so far. 20 gallons of urine.  

56:30- Don't do it, it's a trap! Oral sex or not, no one is strapping me to a chair, especially in this Bizzarro-World. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! She bit it off! And they showed it! Shoot her! Grab you wiener and run, man! Dude, her vagina turned her lower torso into an alligators maw! Oh yeah, he's finished. Wait, he's shoving his severed arm into her alligator 'gina, and pulling on an exposed vein to shoot her... I don't even know what to say anymore.

Don't ask me.

1:02:29- 250 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss.  

1:03:50- Massive mutant penis gun! At this point, we're halfway through the movie, and I'm not writing near as much as I'd like to, mainly because so much crazy shit is happening, that this would be a novel rather than a bullet point-style review. From here on out, I'll cover a few of the finer points, the rest you need to see for yourself.

1:23:10- 400 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

The cops have gone kill crazy by now, and are just slaughtering the entire city at their leisure. Ruka has become a secret engineer, learned the truth about her father's death, killed the half-head guy, and isn't happy with the slaughter going on. When she witnesses her only friend being drawn and quartered by the cops, she flips her friggin' wig! Mutant justice ensues!  

This guy...

1:31:40- Massive 6-barreled "hand" gun! I can't even begin to describe this scene...

Final Tally- 900 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

I don't even...

END- The Japanese sure as hell know how to make a messy Horror flick. This movie is so insane and over the top, that trying to explain it does little justice. Just see it, and see it now!

A

Tokyo Gore Police is available now on DVD and VOD.

Eye don't even now what to say. Zing!

Running Commentary Review: Sick Nurses (2008)

Start- Some really attractive Thai chicks and a doctor are undressing a female corpse while soft lovemaking music plays... needles, alcohol swabs... plastic bag over the dead girl's head... and her eye opens at the last second. I'm intrigued. Nevermind... she's dead.

7:21- These Asian chicks aren't very nice at all; making fun of each others dead sisters, spitting Count Chocula on each other, throwing each other on the floor, smacking each other, laughing maniacally... At least they're hot.

"Your dead Sister sucks!"

9:00- Hot Asian lesbian action! Is anything better?

11:33- Ok, I just nearly peed myself.

13:10- Dead chick climbing out of a purse alert! That of course is followed by some Grudge/Ring-like movement and an "eye behind the hair" camera shot...

15:53- What in the hell?!?

???

17:05- A girl taking a shower with her clothes on? Seriously, who washes their hair in the shower while fully dressed?!? Is she one of the infamous Thai girly-boys that I Google so often at 2 A.M.? This movie is doing it all wrong... Still, I find it to be very compelling and engrossing...

19:30- Hair ghost attack! Duck, hot Thai chick! Well at least the flying hand weight missed her, that would have crushed her face... never mind, death by hair. What just happened?

22:26- Another of the hot nurses drinks what looks to be a semen-tomato concoction, and then barfs into a bag... afterward, she abuses a cat and throws it across the room! Why are bulimic Asian chicks always so angry?!?

Vomit and cats do not mix.

23:30- Another hair ghost attack, and not a minute too soon! The bulimic nurse just ate a donut while brushing her teeth... that's just so nasty. As revenge, the hair ghost stabs her in the mouth with her own toothbrush. She runs off... what happened to her?

28:30- Oh god, the half-gay doctor is having a gay flashback of he and his gym buddy smoking together, showering together... the gay tension is in the air and hanging thick... get it? Hanging thick? Lulz.

30:03- Yay! Nook, the whore who helped murder her own sister (and who was sleeping with her boyfriend), is pregnant! This being an Asian film, we know that all will not end well.

It rhymes with ba-bortion.

Upon coming out of the bathroom, Nook finds that the hair ghost, her sister, has the other two nurses pinned down... so she runs like any coward/rational person would do.

34:00- Flashback time... Our hair ghost, while she was still alive, sees her slut sister sleep with her boyfriend in the morgue, then finds her later and beats her ass. Unfortunately, the other nurses and the doctor want her dead now, because she's gone nuts.

39:28- At this point, nurses are running everywhere for their lives as the ghost taunts them all. They're all still alive, just in various stages of punishment... Wait, the hair chick just too a long nap in the fish tank. One down.

The rare Thai Street Carp on display.

44:00- Goriest scene in the movie alert! Bulimic chick, after being made to eat garbage, a full ashtray, and a huge jug of water, finds herself trapped in a room full of jars; jars filled with fetus's, muscles, bones, and other various body parts... and the ghost feeds her a handful of scalpel blades! Damn... damn... there goes her jaw... and the little kitty she abused gets it's revenge!  

That just happened.

Then a fetus jumps out of a jar, and hits her in the face.... and crawls down her throat! WTF?!?!?!?!?  

What is even going on right now?

44:37- Gore alert! Cell-phone-under-the skin-mixed-with-blood vomiting.

51:00- Gore alert! Hypodermic needle meets fingernail. Good lord. Also, saw meets leg.

51:39- She is still sawing away... At this point, I'm probably going to be skipping dinner.

52:48- Gore alert! WTF?!? This movie is nuts.

58:07- Yep, the doctor is bi... and his male lover nicknames him the Ace of Hearts, and even gives him a card. Yep.

1:00:10- Ghost-kicks to the baby bump! Will Nookie finally get what's coming to her? Will I finally understand what in the hell is going on here?

1:01:15- Random glitter storm!

"Herro there."

1:08:00- I don't want to ruin the end of this one for you, but dammit, I've got so much left to say! I will say that I never saw the twist coming... it was a nice nod to Miike's Gozu.

This one was pretty good; gory, creepy, confusing, odd, disgusting, creepy, gay-friendly... It has a little something for everyone! This movie is flashback crazy though, and may confuse you to the point of screaming. Check this one out of you get the chance.

B+

Sick Nurses is available now on DVD and VOD.

For the love of Jeebus does Thailand ever have some seriously hot chicks working as nurses... at least, in movies, they do.