10 Horrific Clowns For You to Dream About Tonight!

*Or maybe it's "Nobody Loves Clowns!" We sure don't.

Do you hate clowns? Do they give you nightmares? Do they scare you so bad that you hide your eyes and pee yourself until they go away? Are you the kind of sick person that knows someone who is terrified of clowns, and takes pleasure in exploiting that fact for your own sick amusement? Well then have we got a list for you!

Most clowns are happy-go-lucky people who paint their faces, dress up in colorful outfits, and make balloon animals for roomfuls of screaming children, just to see them smile. Sometimes though, clowns are serial killers, demonic entities, aliens, zombies, or even haunted dolls. Whatever their shtick, clowns are almost always creepy, especially when they're trying to kill you... or somebody in a movie you're watching.

The clowns below are the best that Horror movies have to offer. They aren't in any particular order, because we already know that Pennywise from It and the clown doll from Poltergeist are the heavy hitters here, and so ranking the rest would just be a matter of opinion.

Above all else, if you know someone who is scared to death of clowns, be sure to call them over when you're looking at the pics below... because you know you want to hear them scream "No, no, no!" as they run off crying. Sickos.

*Be sure to click the pics to be taken to the IMDB page for each killer clown movie, so you know what movie they're from.

As terrifying clowns go, does it get any better than Pennywise? No, it does not. "We all float down here, Georgie!"

I was like 8-years-old when I saw Poltergeist, and the scene with the doll scared me so bad that I thought my gigantic stuffed St. Bernard was going to kill me. I didn't sleep for weeks. *100% true story.

Ghosthouse may be cheesy enough to make the guys from Rifftrax do an episode on it, but that damned clown doll and his "Play around, be bad" rhyme that he sings throughout the movie is creepy as hell. If we could find a good quality MP3 of that song, it would be one of our ringtones.

As sick and twisted as Captain Spaulding is, we can't help but love the guy. He's probably the most entertaining clown that we've ever seen in a movie, mainly because Sid Haig is awesome... so maybe we just love Sid Haig?

Eli Roth's Clown has yet to be released, but the movie's title character looks like he's going to inspire endless nightmares in Horror fans everywhere.

We didn't care for the latest season of American Horror Story all that much, but Twisty the Clown was a terrifying sight to behold. He was also pretty good at killing people.

Based on the old "We don't have a clown statue!" urban legend, the clown doll sequence from Amusement stands to this day as one of the creepiest things we've ever seen. It's worth watching the entire movie just to experience that part.

Cabin in the Woods featured just about every type of movie monster imaginable, even a killer clown. His appearance was fleeting, but effective.

That whispering, rocking clown doll from Dead Silence still gives us chills.

Probably the coolest zombie from Zombieland.

Here are a few more Horror movie clowns that are sure to inspire fear in all Coulrophobics. Enjoy.

Netflix Review: Mockingbird (2014)

We were originally going to pass on reviewing Mockingbird, because it was a really bad movie, and there wasn't going to be a lot that we could say about it that wouldn't seem like we were just bashing it to bash it, you know?

But then we saw a "review" of the movie on a "Horror Site" that praised how great and effective it was, ultimately giving the film a grade of 4 out of 5.

This review began with a disclaimer that basically said "Hey, we're friends with the people who made this movie, but that won't influence our review at all. We promise!" Right.


So at that point, we decided to go ahead and write our review, because it pisses us off when a big site, with a big audience, pimps the sub-par work of their buddies in such a blatantly shady manner. We understand that opinion is subjective, and that one man's masterpiece is another man's tragedy, but we're also objective enough to understand that bad is bad, no matter if we enjoy something or not.

If you want to skip our spoiler-filled review of Mockingbird, there's only a few things that you really need to know about the movie anyhow:

• It had promise, but it was awful.
• Blumhouse has had this one sitting on the shelf since 2012 because it's so awful.
• Bryan Bertino is a much better writer/director than this movie suggests.

That's basically the crux of it. If you'd like to know why we found Mockingbird to be so awful, then by all means, read on. Be aware this review is 100% spoiler-filled, and that reading on will give just about everything away.

Set in 1995, Mockingbird is the story of a group of people drawn into a sinister game by an unknown creep of some sort... who might just be Jigsaw's cousin or something, because he totally uses the "I want to play a game" line with no shame.

You have a husband and wife who are getting ready to enjoy some quality alone time, sans kids; a single woman who lives alone and seems depressed about something; and what may be the biggest loser on the planet, who is desperate for friends, money, and is really annoying in general. So, the perfect cast of victims.

"YOU WANNA FILM WHAT AFTER THE KIDS LEAVE?"

Each of them receives red gift boxes on their doorstep, containing a camera inside. Convinced that they've won some sort of contest that they signed up for, they're all ecstatic until they learn that whoever gave them the cameras has something dark and twisted in mind for them; they all have to film everything going on around them, or else they die! Well, one of them has to dress up like a clown, and run around town doing all sorts of silly errands (that still tie into the plot), but he has to film everything too, so that still counts.

The couple and the woman find themselves trapped in their homes, being toyed with, and left completely at the mercy of their mysterious tormentors (there has to be more than one tormentor, right? Different locations and all?) From here on out it's a battle of wills not only between killer and victim, but between us and our remote controls... because in hindsight, we should have just had the good sense to push STOP, and call it a night.

RANDOM PRESENT ON YOUR DOORSTEP AT NIGHT? SEEMS LEGIT.

Mockingbird has been finished since 2012, but is just seeing release now, in October of 2014. Ib most cases when a movie sits on the shelf for a year or more, it's because it's bad, and the companies behind them know it. In the review from the other that I mentioned earlier, it was said that everyone at Blumhouse was proud of the film, and that its long delay was only because they were looking for the right release date.

For two years.

That being said, we were legitimately excited to see Mockingbird, for two reasons: One, because we LOVED director Bryan Bertino's 2008 home invasion classic, The Strangers (our review HERE); and two, because Blumhouse Productions has put out some great movies over the past few years, and their track record gives us confidence in most of the projects that they choose to support.

Mockingbird opens well enough, with an extremely tense scene that made us think "holy shit, this movie is going to be crazy!" As many Found Footage/First Person/POV films do though, Mockingbird descends into a confusing mixture of implausible plot devices, and genuinely effective tension. The mechanics of this movie are the real issue here; they're frustrating, and they don't really work all that well, and it's really hard to "feel" a movie when so much of what happens during its running time just rings false.

To be fair, as messy as the movie ended up becoming, we have to admit that the tension was pretty high at times during this one.

THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

I guess my biggest problem with Mockingbird is the stupidity of its script, and the even deeper stupidity of its characters.

The main plot device that allows this movie to exist is that people randomly receive video cameras, and they're told to keep filming everything or they die. Fine. After a while though, they figure out that the killers can see everything that they're doing, because there are transmitters in the cameras, which is the first thing we took issue with...

• Why not put the camera in a closet or another room or something, so that they can't see what you're doing/planning?
• Why not just smash the camera?
• Why not drop the camera, and run from your house into the night until you get somewhere safe?

The character's frustrating inability to do anything remotely intelligent to change their situations is one thing, but are you telling me that none of their neighbors can hear screams, yelling, glass breaking, or the fucking loudspeaker that's playing creepy, repetitive messages from outside in the middle of the yard?
 

ONE OF THEM IS A MURDERING SOCIOPATH, THE OTHER, A LOSER.

And the ending... we pretty much figured that they'd all be lured to the 1805 Mockingbird address once the couple got the card at the beginning, and that somehow they'd all be duped into killing each other, or at least they'd try to... but a house full of balloons? Watching them all wading through an endless, congestive sea of balloons (that filled every inch of space from floor to ceiling) was almost comical.

And once the balloons parted and they were finally in the same room together, and they shot each other, I couldn't help but think "these people are great shots." Only two people had guns, and as inexpert, terrified, and confused as they were, both of them managed to shoot two people dead in a manner of seconds?

Come on.

STAB DOWN, KID. STAB DOWN.

All of the above sloppiness could have been forgiven to an extent, had it not been for the atrocious ending.

The reveal that it was a bunch of 12-year-old kids behind the elaborate "game" was just downright silly, and even more so insulting. How in the world were they able to orchestrate the terrorizing three separate households full of people, and then all make it to the place of the final showdown, to be able to witness them killing each other?

I mean, the couple's kids left, and went to a bowling alley where it's revealed that these other killer kids were all hanging out, taking pictures with the clown; then somehow these killer kids split up, went to the couple's and woman's homes, and began their terrorizing of them; and then once the victims are told that they have 10 minutes to get to the Mockingbird address, these kids all somehow get there before them, so that they can be laying in wait for them?

How do those logistics even begin to make sense?

• If this was set in 1995, how could the kids afford to pull this off? Back then, do you know how much all of those cameras, and the technology to wirelessly monitor them, would cost? How could children afford that?
• Even if they could somehow afford it, how in the world would they know how to do such things?
• And how were the kids monitoring the transmitters in the cameras?
• How did they even place them in the cameras to begin with?
• Even if they knew how to do such things, how did they all get to and from different residences, a bowling alley, and back to the house at the end? None of them can drive!
• And how did the camera batteries last so long?
• And how did they break into these peoples homes in the middle of the night, and video tape them while sleeping? Were they all emancipated, and had no guardians?
• And where did they get all of those balloons? Literally, it must have been 1000+ balloons? Who paid for those? More importantly, who blew them up? WHO BLEW THEM UP!

NO WAY IN HELL could  bunch of children be able to pull off this type of elaborate, tech-savvy "game" in this day and age, let alone in 1995. The fact of the matter is that they most likely wouldn't have even been able to conceive of such a thing.

HOW? HOW ARE YOU ACTUALLY WATCHING THEM?

There's just so, so much about this movie that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, that we're honestly not sure what in the hell happened.

We can tell you one thing though: Mockingbird should have never made it out of the scripting stage.

PRETENDING TO BE A BABY WILL NOT SAVE YOUR LIFE.

The fact that the same guy who wrote and directed The Strangers, wrote and directed this mess of a movie, perplexes the living shit out of us. Maybe it sounded great on paper, but in execution, Mockingbird is a tragedy. We're going to forget this movie ever happened and just wait for Bryan Bertino's next effort, There Are Monsters, because honestly, he's better than this.

Mockingbird is available now on VOD, and is also streaming on Netflix.

It's always great to see Audrey Marie Anderson in something new. We've loved her ever since her days on The Unit.

 

VOD Review: The Houses October Built (2014)

Haunted Houses are an American staple, and come each October, they scare the living hell out of millions of us. They're as much a part of Halloween as are jack-o-lanterns and candy corn. And costumes. And candy. AMC's Fearfest... you get the point.

Given that they are such a large part of our culture (at least for one month a year), it seems like a no-brainer to center a Horror movie around them; how creepy is it to think that a place we go to for some scary fun might actually be full of maniacs that want to end our lives? That's basically making the entire Haunted House conceit a reality, and we're all for it.

The Houses October Built brings that exact premise to life, and for the most part, it does it pretty well.

The Houses October Built is the story of five friends who set out on a road trip to find America's best Haunted Houses; they're thrill-seekers, you see, and only the very best haunted houses will do. They meet an odd and creepy cast of characters at every haunt that they visit, but it's not long before they become bored of the average spook house. When word reaches them that there are "extreme" haunts that exist on an underground circuit of sorts, they foolishly set out to find one.

DON'T TEASE THE CLOWN, MAN. HE'LL KILL YOU.

The more they ask around about these secret "extreme haunts," the more the name Blue Skeleton pops up; Blue Skeleton is supposedly a very underground haunt that constantly moves location, and it's said to be about as extreme as it gets, which makes one wonder just what the word "extreme" is supposed to mean here. As things get creepier and creepier for the group, they receive a cryptic note that tells them to head to New Orleans (NOLA if you nasty) if they want to visit the Blue Skeleton, and it soon becomes apparent that they may be in more danger than they had originally thought...

GIGGLES?

We won't spoil what happens for you here, because what kind of a jerk spoils the thrills and chills of a Haunted House right before their friends are set to go through it themselves, but suffice it to say that the idiots in this movie probably should have just stuck to the run-of-the-mill haunts, because at least you don't die at the end of those.

Supposedly.

SEEMS FAIRLY EXTREME TO US.

For a smaller Indie flick, The Houses October Built ended up being pretty entertaining. It had a bit of a lackluster ending, and some of the things the characters did were nonsensical (as per usual in these types of films), but for the most part, this movie did a good job at maintaining a creepy vibe throughout. How could a movie about Haunted Houses not be creepy? Haunted House are creepy by definition, and when you add to that a "real" story where people get murdered by the Haunted Houses, it all becomes doubly terrifying.

The idea of sinister forces lurking in the shadows at the Haunted Houses that we've all been too with friends or family, is just disturbing. They're supposed to be fun, not deadly! After watching this, we'll be casting a wary eye at every Haunted House worker we meet from now on, and that's a positive testament to just how effective this movie was.

The coolest thing about THOB is how it intersperses real footage of Haunted House/interviews with industry professionals, with the fictional story of the group of friends and their ordeal. There's apparently a Documentary of the same title that came out a few years ago (produced by the same guys), and we're really curious to see it now, because the real footage in this one was almost fascinating to watch. Maybe as a bonus feature on the Blu-ray?

THIS BITCH RIGHT HERE...

As great as the scenes which took place at the various Haunted Houses were, the "house" at the end was a bit of a let down.

I personally envisioned the group of thrill-seekers being lured to the mysterious Blue Skeleton, and the people who run it being like "Alright, you want the scariest Haunted House experience ever? You got it." You know, like they'd go through a Haunted House and get stabbed, cut, attacked, maybe smacked in the mouth a bit, etc... and that's kinda what we got, but not really.

Just like the characters in the movie did, we really wanted to see what exactly constituted an "Extreme Haunt," but when they finally got there, after all of the creepy build-up, everything ended far too quick, and it all felt a bit anticlimactic. It just wasn't the best payoff for all of the cool things that had come before it.

THE SCARIEST MASK IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE.

Why do people in Found Footage movies never say "Screw this, let's just go home?" I know that the whole point of the FF sub-genre is to capture the "real" exploits of people who don't have the good sense to "git while the gittin's good," but it gets really old after a while.

Just once I'd like to see one or two people in a group like this say "Fuck this" and just leave. Gone. They survive the grisly fate of the dummies who stay behind, and are all like "Man, I'm glad we left when we did!" You could even do a video of them at the end, having survived, talking about their friends and their experience. "We sure do miss them... but at least we're alive!"

The Tunnel (2011) (our review HERE) did that "post-ordeal interview" thing extremely well.

DO THIS, AND YOU CAN LIVE.

There's some violence in this one, but most of it happens off screen. So off-screen were the killings in this movie, that we're not really sure that anyone actually died.

Wouldn't that be a clever twist; leave the victims of the movie beaten, bruised, stabbed, terrified, and _________, and be all like "Hope you enjoyed your extreme haunt!"

ZOMBIES HATE PAINTBALL GUNS.

There's actually a scene in this one that takes place inside of a strip club, where the dancers are all wearing masks and face paint, so, boobs.

SO WOULD THAT LAPDANCE COST MORE OR LESS?

Don't piss off the people who work at Haunted Houses; deep inside they're all disturbed, and will kill you if provoked. This goes double if said haunts are located in the middle of nowhere, run by yokels, and are kept secret because they are too "extreme."

ALWAYS WITH THE CLOWNS!

The Houses October Built is an imperfect movie in many ways, but it's also just as effective, in many others. We really enjoyed the hell out of this one, and while it's not as "Halloween Essential" as movies like Halloween or Trick r' Treat are, it's definitely one that we could see getting heavy play come each October. This movie is definitely worth the $6.99 it'll cost you to rent on VOD.

We really do hope they'll include the 2011 Documentary of the same name on the Blu-ray/DVD release as a bonus feature. If so, we'd buy it for sure.

B

The Houses October Built is available now on VOD.

Here are a few more creepy images from The Houses October Built, because it was near impossible to find good/usable pictures of the hot chicks in this movie.