Blu-ray Review: The Wraith (1986)

"80's cheese at its finest."

(aka Tiger Blood From Outer Space.)
Release Date: Nov 21st, 1986.
Rating: PG-13
Country: USA.
Written and Directed by: Mike Marvin.
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Sherilyn Fenn, Nick Cassavetes, Randy Quaid, Clint Howard, and the Turbo Interceptor.

Anyone who grew up in the 80's knows that it was a blissful time to be alive if you liked, cheesy B-grade genre flicks. And feathered hair. Jean/leather jackets, and kick-ass music. And hot chicks with teased hair who look like they just stepped off of the set of the latest Bon Jovi video.

Well, this movie's got all of that, plus Clint Howard, a bitchin' alien ghost car, and a young, shirtless Charlie Sheen smiling his way through an empty role while popping wheelies on a dirt bike.

Packard Walsh is a local thug whose gang of hooligans forces people to race for their pink slips, or die a painful death. He's got a hot girlfriend (Sherilyn Fenn), and no one in town messes with him, because he's got a bunch of leather jackets and a switchblade, which makes him tough. But when a Dodge M4S Turbo Interceptor arrives from space (or maybe it came from the ghost dimension, which is somewhere in space), its silent, gimp-suit wearing driver is about to change all of that!

THE ORIGINAL POWER RANGER.

Charlie Sheen rides into town on his dirt bike, feathered hair and all, and he immediately catches the eye of Keri; the hottest chick in Assneck, Arizona. He immediately decides that he needs to give her his tiger blood, which pisses Packard off, because Keri belongs to him in a rapey, "I don't care if you hate me, you're my girl" kind of way.

"I'M SHIPPING OUT TO 'NAM SOON, SO LET'S PARTY!"

You see, Charlie Sheen is actually the ghost (or wraith, to be more accurate) of a kid who Packard killed for his car, who also happened to be Keri's boyfriend. Now he's returned in a bitchin' car to serve fiery vengeance to all of those who wronged him, and to get laid, because Keri is incredibly hot.

Cheesy goodness like only the 80's could deliver, ensues.

HE'S A BETTER ARTIST THAN HE IS A SHERIFF.

The Wraith is not a good movie. It's got a cheesy, cookie-cutter plot filled with empty, generic characters who spew some truly ridiculous dialogue, but underneath all of that, it's hard for us not to love it on a guilty pleasure level. It's glossy and fun, which was pretty much the norm back in the 80's.

The best parts of the movie are as follows:

• Watching Charlie Sheen trying to act is always fun, especially in his early roles before he became a Vatican assassin who devoted his life to banging pornstars and 20-gram rocks. Those are his actual words. You remember his meltdown, right? Well knowing how he turned out, watching Chaz in a movie like this is something special. He filmed The Wraith in between Ferris Bueller and Platoon (which made him a huge star), and it's fun to watch him do his thing in such a "not good" movie.
• Sherilyn Fenn: She was 20-years-old in this movie, and was smokin' hot in a way that gave teenage boys religion. She didn't do much throughout the movie besides look good, but who cares, because she was easily one of the hottest girls of the 80's.
• The Soundtrack: Motley Crue, Ozzy, Billy Idol, Robert Palmer... this soundtrack rocked, and if this movie were made today, I can't image how many millions of dollars it would cost to get that many huge songs into one movie. 
• The Turbo Interceptor: An actual prototype car made by Dodge in the mid-80's, it was sleek as hell, and made for the perfect "alien" car. Maybe it was a ghost car. Maybe it was both.
• Clint Howard: He's great in everything he''s in, especially schlocky movies like these from the 80's.  

THE STUFF 80'S DREAMS WERE MADE OF.

The whole movie is bad in plenty of different ways, but the raft scene... who in the hell came up with that idea? I mean, it's good for a laugh, but watching Charlie Sheen paddle across a pond while trying to steal the girl of the guy who killed him works only on a comedic level.

And speaking of the guy who killed him, what was up with Nick Cassavetes always wearing a leather jacket? He even had a sleeveless one that he wore to the lake?!?

SUCH A TENDER MOMENT.

Where the hell is the Blu-ray of this movie? With all of the half-assed 80's shit-fests that have been making the jump to 1080p lately, are you telling me that this Charlie Sheen classic isn't worthy?

WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SEE THIS ACTION IN GLORIOUS 1080P?

The Wraith is pretty tame in the graphic violence department..

...BUT IT'S AN A+ IN THE CLINT HOWARD HAIRDO DEPARTMENT.

A blonde chick goes topless, and Sherilyn Fenn does the same in a flashback scene, but both were very brief.

SWEET JESUS...

Pure Shakespeare, the lines in this movie:

"A wraith, man! A ghost! A evil spirit - and it ain't cool"
"Sent cats climbin' up my spine when I saw 'em haulin' this corpse outta that canyon, clean as if he'd come out of a hot tub."
"Get rid of that zombie-piss you're drinkin' before it turns you into a mushroom!"
"But we know our constipational rights, sir, and you can't just come in here and..."
"Well, you listen good, Skank. I know it's gonna be hard with your melon on chemical overload, but there's a killer out there and I'm gonna track the hairball down. So, when you two crater-heads get finished mining for nose gold and you get a relapse of memory, you let me know, huh?"

THAT'S BROOKE BURKE, 2ND FROM THE RIGHT.

There's something about The Wraith that makes us love it even though it's a sucky movie. That probably has to do with being kids of the 80's, and the fact that we were weened on such B-level entertainment, but hey, bad movies are fun sometimes, especially when they're as slick and filled with talent as this one is.

*Stream it while drinking, and every time you shake your head at something that's going on on-screen, take a shot. You'll be drunk pretty quick, and like the movie even more.

The Wraith is available now on DVD, VOD, and is streaming on Netflix.

Man, how hot was Sherilyn Fenn back in the day?

Guilty Pleasure Review: The Sand (2015)

"Fans of cheesy, B-grade Horror should love the hell out of this one."

Blood Sand; The Sand; Killer Beach; The Beach That Ate the Whores... alright, maybe that last one isn't real, but it's fitting. Point is, this movie, whatever the hell it's really supposed to be called, has had a bunch of different titles, and whether you see it on cable, Amazon, or DVD, it could be using any of them.

Whatever title it does use, it's safe to say that The Sand is aimed at the type of audience that loves cheesy, exploitative Horror flicks.

I mean, just going by the poster, this movie really should be called The Tits, which is pretty much its main selling point anyhow.

There's nothing that screams Spring Break quite like a good old fashioned beach party, is there? Drinking, drugs, nudity, sex, a couple of guys rolling a gigantic, slimy testicle up to the bonfire because "let's burn it!" Good times!

GOOD TIMES INDEED.

Turns out that gigantic testicle had some sort of monster in it or something, because when a gang of hungover partiers wakes up on the beach the next day, they find themselves trapped in a lifeguard station, a car, and a barrel; if they touch the sand, little tentacles creep up, stick to them, and pull them under, where we imagine they're turned into some sort of liquid snack.

The next 60 minutes is all about then trying to get off of the beach (via surfboard), and not making it.

WHY THE BLACK MAN GOTTA BE THE ONE STUCK IN THE BARREL, HUH?

The Sand is clearly an homage to the 1980 flick, Blood Beach, and it plays a lot like "The Raft" segment from Creepshow 2, so at least you know it was made by people who love Horror flicks. It's also meant to be cheesy fun and not taken seriously, which makes it enjoyable in that so-bad-it's-good way that we love.

Sexy girls in bikinis, some gruesome kills. cheesy dialogue, and even a pretty funny cameo by Jamie Kennedy; there's a lot to like here for fans of B-grade Horror flicks.

We also dig Brooke Butler. We've loved her since All Cheerleaders Die.

I really wish though that they had made it the actual beach itself that was eating the kids. No explanation as to why (or maybe it was pissed off that a bunch of partiers littered all over it or something), just somehow this beach started eating any living creature that steps on it. That would have made it a bit more crazy fun. 

OUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE PART OF THIS MOVIE: NIKKI LEIGH.

I know this movie wasn't trying to be Citizen Kane or anything, but the script and acting are pretty bad on the whole.

THAT'S IT, ASSHOLE, SHAKE IT'S HAND!

The CGI in this movie is pretty bad. Like something you'd see on the average SYFY original movie kind of bad. The little tentacle things looked pretty cool though.

SO BAD IT'S GOOD.

There's some CGI tentacle violence that tries to be gory, but doesn't ever amount to much.

HE'LL STAR IN ANYTHING THESE DAYS.

The ladies all sport bikinis in this one, and they look great, but it's Playboy Playmate Nikki Leigh who decides that she doesn't need to wear a top, and she was quite a sight to behold.

THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN 10 TIMES BETTER IF EVERYONE HAD BEEN NAKED. EVERYONE!

"Oil does not do that, or the Quickie Lube guy would earn more than minimum wage!"
"It was the Government!"
"Why is Fat Albert in the trashcan?"
"This is way worse than the lady with a horseshoe crab up her ass."

"BUT I POOP FROM THERE!"

If you like movies like Sharknado, Piranhaconda, Mega Fist vs. Butteroid, or any original movie that premieres on the SYFY Channel, then you're probably going to have a good time with The Sand. If bad, B-grade movies aren't your thing though, you should probably spend 80-minutes watching something else.

We had fun with it.

The Sand is available now on DVD and VOD.

The beach bunnies of The Sand are so hot, that they got their own Horror Hottie post, right over HERE!

Blu-ray Review: Ghosts of Mars (2001)

"A guilty pleasure of the highest order."

(aka Big Daddy Mars.)
Release Date: August 24th, 2001.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Larry Sulkis and John Carpenter.
Directed by: John Carpenter.
Starring: Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube, Jason Statham, Clea Duvall, Pam Grier, and Joanna Cassidy.

Of all the movies that John Carpenter has directed over the curse of his career, none has met with more negativity than Ghosts of Mars, and I just don't understand the hate. I mean I understand it, because this is not one of his better efforts, and it's got all kinds of script issues, but it's still one hell of a fun flick, flaws and all.

In 2176 A.D., Mars has been colonized by 640,000 human beings, and has been 84% terraformed. Society is Matriarchal on Mars, which means that women are in charge, which means that shit is bound to go wrong, because we all know that men do stuff better. I'm kidding, feminists, calm down. Everything is going just fine on Mars.

I'M KIDDING, NATASHA!

During a routine dig, some miners uncover a doorway buried deep beneath the mars (we use the term "the earth" to describe the ground here on Earth, so it seems fitting), and unwittingly unleash some evil spirits that have been hidden away for centuries. Not sure how anyone on Mars knows any of this, because there's no way that anyone could "know" that kind of thing since it takes the ghosts 10 seconds to overwhelm the camp and possess the miners, but we digress.

[LOUD GIBBERISH INTENSIFIES]

A team of Mars Police arrive at the Shining Canyon outpost to transport the murderous criminal Desolation Williams to the outpost of Chryse, to stand trial for his crimes. The normally bustling outpost is appears to be deserted, which is because those very same Ghost of Mars have shown up, possessed everyone in town, and turned them into some kind of a defense mechanism for the planet to use to repel invaders.

LISTEN, THE STORY DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE TO US EITHER, JUST GO WITH IT.

So it's basically humans vs. the ghosts of ancient martians, who all look like members of a Norwegian Death Metal band, who have all been heavily body-modded with sharp instruments and barbed wire.

SHE APPARENTLY DOESN'T LIKE NORWEGIAN DEATH METAL.

I can totally see why Ghosts of Mars has been so derided by critics and audiences alike. The script is messy and plagued with bad dialogue; the acting isn't exactly the best; there's plot-holes galore (why do they keep shooting the "ghosts" when they know doing so will release them from their hosts, and put themselves at risk for being possessed) throughout; the whole flashback within a flashback within a flashback feels odd; drugs dispel the ghosts from their host, which kind of sends a pro-drug message...

But you know what? This is still one hell of a fun movie, flaws and all. It's not a "So bad it's good" type of fun, because it's not that bad to begin with, but it's definitely a "I don't know what in the hell went wrong with this movie, but I like it!" kind of thing. Big stupid action is what it is.

The cast is pretty great in this one, and they did their best with the material that they were given. Not only did Ghosts of Mars feature Natasha Henstridge in her prime, but it was one of Jason Statham's first roles. It also features 70's icon Pam Grier; N.W.A. founder Ice Cube; Carpenter mainstay Peter Jason makes an appearance; and it's even got Joanna Cassidy and Robert Carradine.

"FUCK THE POLICE, HUH, CUBE?"

Some of the dialogue in this movie made us cringe. For example, when Pam Grier yells "Who goes there!" at a fleeing shadow, we wondered if they wanted it to play cheesy, or if it just somehow got away from them.

HE HAD THE BEST DIALOGUE OF THEM ALL.

Ice Cube has said that Ghosts of Mars is the worst movie that he ever made, which begs the question: Has he ever seen his other films like Are We There Yet?; Are We Done Yet?: Dangerous Ground; Ride Along; Ride Along 2; First Sunday; Torque; All About the Benjamins; or Lottery Ticket?

We love Cube, but he's starred in some shitty movies over the years, and every single one of them listed above is way worse that Ghosts of Mars.

YEAH, I SAID IT.

Most of the gore in this one is of the quick-cut variety, but there are some cool decapitations and slashings throughout.

THIS REMINDS US OF IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS. NOT SURE WHY.

No sex or nudity in this one. Natasha Henstridge looks great in a tank top though.

THE MOUNDS OF MARS.

Courtney Love was originally set to play the role Ballard until she hurt her foot and was replaced by Natasha Henstridge at the last minute. True Story.

WE'RE GLAD WE GOT NATASHA THOUGH. WHAT A QT.

Yes, Ghosts of Mars would have been a way better movie if someone had taken another pass or two at the script and tightened it up a bit, but as it stands, it's a fun B-movie that deserves far more love than it gets... or at least far less hate. If we were grading this movie like we normally do, it would probably be an objective C, although as far as its fun-factor goes, it's more of a B+.

As it stands though, this is a Guilty Pleasure of the highest order. Watch accordingly. 

Ghosts of Mars is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Natasha Henstridge was one of the best Horror Hotties of the 90's.