Weekend Double Feature- After the Dark (2014) & Wicked Blood (2014)

We got hoodwinked by these movies. Bamboozled. Duped!

We thought they'd be Horror-ish, or at least Thriller-ish, so as to fit into our creepy purview, but we were wrong.

Wicked Blood is at least a Crime Thriller, and a good one at that, so it fits in well enough with the things that we watch around here, but After the Dark... well, that one is just a silly morality play that literally never leaves the classroom.

Spoilers ensue below, so beware.

Going into it, we thought that After the Dark (aka The Philosophers) was going to be a Post-Apocalyptic Thriller involving some schoolkids fighting to survive, or something to that effect. We were wrong.

What we did get with After the Dark, was a movie about a bunch of students sitting around in a classroom, playing what amounts of a deeply philosophical game of "What if?"

A Teacher basically tells his class to pretend that the world is about to end via atomic bomb, and to imagine that there is a shelter that can keep 10 of them alive for a year. He then asks them to decide who would get to enter the shelter and survive, who would be left outside to die, and why. The try the experiment again, using scenarios involving an erupting volcano, and a pending bombing of a small island.

In the classroom.

Sounds like a pretty interesting premise, right? Well it is. After the Dark is a really well-made movie with a great premise, and it's populated by a bunch of talented young actors... but the story is just so lame and silly that none of those good qualities resonated with us like they should have, had the movie been anything more than a bunch of "what if" scenarios.

After the Dark is not about survival at all, it's about a Teacher riling his kids up because he's a pouty bitch. Nothing really happens in the movie save for a bunch of kids sitting around in a classroom, engaging in discussion. Sure, we the audience get to "see" the imagined scenarios play out on screen, but knowing that none of it is real just robs it of any sort of impact.

We don't know these characters, aren't invested in them, so how in the world are we supposed to be enthralled by them sitting around and talking about the end of the world? I'm definitely oversimplifying the main plot in some ways by saying "sitting around and talking about the end of the world," because at its heart, it's also a story about a jilted lover. Yep.

To us, this movie felt like it was trying to be the Young Adult version of 12 Angry Men. Had the director stuck with that format- the kids just sitting around engaged in heated debate- it may have worked a lot better. Making the decision to add in the "action" scenes, and show us what they are all discussing/imagining, just made it all feel superfluous.

We don't mind movies that twist and turn, or think outside the box, but we do mind a movie that feels disingenuous in its mechanics.

Still in the classroom.

As for the philosophical/moral aspects of the film's plot, here's how I'd play this hypothetical game: "I enter the shelter, along with any of my loved ones who are with me, and anyone who tries to keep me out gets their heads caved in." There's no morality about it. It's survival. Of course everyone wants into the shelter so that they can live, survival is a base instinct shared by all humans. All I'm saying is that there's not going to be some dumb-ass group decision that keeps people out because they are "less important" or some such shit.

If you're going to go with a plot like that, at least make it unfold during an actual Apocalypse of some sort, so that it feels as if it has some weight to it other than "Why do you like him better than me? Waaa!" Because that's what the entire thing was about; a jilted Pedo-Teacher using hypothetical situations to mess with the young girl who dumped him, and the younger, more appropriate boy, that she dumped him for.

Right.

Well give this one a few points for its technical merit, and the fact that the actors did a good job with the material that they were given, but it's that very material keeps this movie from being anything but a frustrating exercise in "None of this shit is happening, but if it was, boy would it be intense!"

If you're expecting this one to be a Post-Apocalyptic movie of some sort, just skip it, because it is not. If you're down with a group of kids Role-playing the Apocalypse, then this may just be your thing. In the end though, After the Dark is a well-made mess of a film that tries to be too lever for its own good.

After the Dark is available on VOD now, and on Blu-ray/DVD on May 6th.

D

Nope, still in the classroom.

Where After the Dark left us cold, Wicked Blood warmed things back up again, and made us feel a lot better about our Double Feature gone wrong.

Wicked Blood is the story of a Hannah Lee; a smart young girl that is surrounded by nothing but skeevy morons, thus is living a lonely life. So alone is she in her level of class, that her only escape is to play chess.

Her Sister is a bit of a bitch (and a slut); her lovable (but pathetic) Uncle is a Meth cook (and user); and her other Uncle (Frank) is the Crime Lord of their small, podunk town (and he's also an intimidating, dick.)

When Hannah Lee gets tired of Uncle Frank's crap, she devises a plan to save her family from the whiskey-tango hell that he's got them all living in. Of course, given her hobbies, it all plays out like a crazy game of chess... only with higher stakes! Yes, it's all very dramatic.

"Check and Mate, bitch!"

What we liked most about Wicked Blood was that even though it was a fairly "generic" Crime Thriller, the talent involved in the movie made it feel like anything but.

Abigail Breslin is a star on the rise, and she's great here as the smart, plotting girl who turns everyone's life upside down. Sean Bean is Sean Bean, so he's always awesome. James Purefoy is an actor that used to rub us the wrong way (not exactly sure why), but who has grown on us in recent years. His character here only served to make us like him even more. Lew Temple was really good here as the sympathetic Uncle, who despite being a bit of a loser, really loved his kin, and tried to do right by them as well as he could. Really nice work here by him.

And when did Alexa Vega change her name to PenaVega? We get why she did it, but it just sounds so odd...

She is way to young for you, dude!

We were really pleased to see how the plot played out in this one; it so could have been a generic mess, but the twists and turns that it took worked, and worked well. Keep in mind when we say "twist" in reference to Wicked Blood, we don't mean some crazy, dramatic reveal, only that the narrative went in some interesting directions.

Best of all, without spoiling anything, was the way that Wild Bill's character arc played out. We were totally waiting for his story to end up being a repeat of some tired old cliche', but it was really nice to see it play out in a different way.

Wicked Blood is a solid little flick, that while not being as "Horror" as we'd thought it was going to be, ended up being a pretty enjoyable watch for us. It's got a decent story, is filled with some solid performances, and should fill the void for anyone jonesing for a Southern Crime story. It's definitely worth a rent.

Wicked Blood is available on Blu-ray and DVD now.

B-

And for the ladies amongst us, here's a little bit of Sean Bean for you to ogle. *This one's for you, Warmy!

Hell Baby (2013)

There's really not much that I can say about Hell Baby other than it was just painfully unfunny.

I really expected a lot more from the creators of Reno 911!, because that show was funny as hell, and at times, side-splittingly so.

The amount of quality comedic talent gathered in this movie is kinda crazy; Rob Corrdry, Thomas Lennon, Kumail Nanjiani, Keegan Key, Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel, Michael Ian Black, Robert Garant... this movie is over-populated with truly funny people, and yet I struggled to laugh more than a handful of times.

That makes me sad to even say.

Here's the official synopsis of the film:

"An expectant couple who moves into the most haunted house in New Orleans call upon the services of the Vatican's elite exorcism team to save them from a demonic baby."

Sounds like it could be a funny premise, right? You take a look at the cast list on IMDB, and suddenly it sounds a ton more promising. Then you sit down and check out the trailer... and it doesn't look all that funny, rather it comes off as being a bit bland. No worries though, because sometimes trailers suck, and yet the movie ends up rocking... but not this time.

A movie that boasts this much talent has no business being so bad, or at the very least, this disappointing.

Corrdry has a few funny lines, and Keegan Key was pretty solidly funny here, but aside from a few solid moments from other random cast members, the whole thing just feels too forced and almost slapsticky... it's really not slapstick, but it just came off feeling like it was. Maybe it felt more like schtick, I don't know, the whole thing just felt really off to us. I think I have to blame the script on this one, because I honestly don't know what else to blame here, especially since the talent involved is usually on their collective comedic game.

There is some pretty gratuitous nudity in this one, which I guess was kinda nice, but we wanted to laugh, not see some cute blond chick get out of the shower and show us everything she's got... wait, what the hell did we just say? Good lord, we're losing our minds.

Keegan Key's "You gon' get raped" face.

This movie gets a D instead of a DO NOT WANT! simply because the cast tried their asses off, and they gave us some funny bits here and there. Overall though, Hell Baby underwhelmed the living hell out of us, and left us feeling a bit bummed for the on screen talent involved... because we're normally big fans of just about all of them.

We'll gladly be waiting for the future projects of these various cast members, because you can't keep truly funny people down for long. For us though, Hell Baby was one big misstep that just didn't work.

Who knows, you may end up liking it. It could just be us, and a majority of peeps that check this movie out may get what we didn't. Just don't say we didn't warn you if you do end up hating it, because we did warn you. So don't say we didn't, capisce?

D

Gotta give credit where credit is due and say that these Hotties definitely committed to their roles, despite the lackluster results. Thanks for trying, girls. We still lub you.

The Quick Word- Evidence (2013)

Evidence is a police-procedural Thriller that dabbles  in the realm of Found Footage. It's nice to see a movie come along that shows what the police do with found footage for a change, and how they use its "Unblinking Eye" to help them solve a mass murder. Kind of a best of both worlds thing, you know?

Too bad it worked better on paper than it did in practice.

If you're a True Blood fan (which I absolutely am not), then you're most likely interested in this movie because you love Stephen Moyer, aka Bill Compton. Don't worry, he's good enough in this, it's the movie that sucks here.

I actually found this movie oddly entertaining on some level, which I shouldn't have, considering how sloppy and bland it is. It's not a total train wreck; it's more like being on a slow, overly-familiar train, which breaks down on the way to your destination, and and you end up having to disembark and walk the rest of the way. While walking, you die. Painfully.

So it's more like a train breakdown. Still, there's nothing really fun about that, is there?

A bunch of people are massacred at an abandoned warehouse out in the middle of BFE, and the only evidence that the PO-PO have to work with, is in the form of various videos taken with various recording devices found at the scene of the crime.

Enter Stephen Moyer as a burnt out Cop who has been on leave for some unexplained reason, wanting on the case, because "I need this!" Radha Mitchell plays his boss who tells him "you're not ready!," but lets him on the case in about 12 seconds, because the movie has to move along.

Along with a portly video tech (nothing cliche' about that), they sit down and begin to sort through the  "evidence," doing their best Police Procedural "OMG!" faces every five minutes or so, because everything in this movie is such a shocking revelation.

"Oh... my... God!"

The evidence in question is mostly footage of two chicks -one a wannabe actress, another a wannabe director- kind of documenting their lives as a sort of sizzle reel; because God knows movie producers want nothing more than to sit though amateur home movies as a means to find new talent. These girls get on a bus with a bunch of other random people, heading on a trip to somewhere, when the bus suddenly flips over in the middle of the desert! Of course cell phones don't work, and the bus has no radio, so the stranded group hikes to a nearby abandoned warehouse(?) to take refuge. Then, someone starts picking off people one by one...

You get the idea.

Like they'd honestly show footage like this on TV?

Evidence just has too many issues for it to be able to work as a good film. The plot is a bit rushed, and the characters aren't fleshed out at all, so in that respect, the movie feels very generic and even cliche' at times. The script is just weak, making the Police Procedural aspect of the film feel as if it were tacked on to the Found Footage side of things, "just because." The stale "taken from every Police TV Show/Horror Movie ever" The dialogue doesn't help things much either:

"He knew we'd be watching. He's challenging us!"
"This whole thing was planned."
"It's just been revoked!"

It all comes off as clunky and hokey. 

A lot of the evidence footage pixelizes far too often, which doesn't add tension at all (as I'm guessing it was intended to do), but rather becomes annoying and took us out of the movie even more so. The spinning camera (freeze-frame or otherwise) felt a bit odd too.

Scary, ain't he?

Steven Moyer does an admirable job playing a determined Cop (he really tries his ass off here), as does the ever-hot Radha Mitchell. Problem is, they don't have much material to work with, so it feels as if they just kinda showed up, read their lines, frowned a lot, and called it a day. True Blood fans will no doubt be upset that Moyer doesn't get to stretch his legs a bit more here, and so were we.

The twist ending, and the reveal of the killer and their motivation for doing what they did, just made me shake my head. I'm not going to spoil anything, but good lord was the payoff not only nonsensical, but almost cringe-worthy. This movie is a great example of why I hate twist endings.

Evidence is a great premise that is executed rather poorly. If this movie had been a TV pilot, it would not have been picked up for series.

"I'm only here because True Blood was on hiatus. I promise."

You can see how hard Evidence is trying to be clever; what with its combining two sub-genres and throwing plenty of red herrings at us, it really did try. In the end though, it's all just a painfully generic movie that could have been as clever as it thinks it is, had they given a better treatment to the script.

If you're curious about seeing this movie, I say wait for it to pop up on cable, and spend your rental dollars on something else.

D

Not even the hotness of these lovely ladies could make Evidence and good watch, and that's saying an awful lot.

The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

Having been fans of The Last Exorcism- which apparently wasn't the last exorcism at all- we were expecting its follow up to be at least as solid, and maybe even take the story in a new, fresh direction. After all, they opted to ditch the whole Found Footage thing and go with a straight up movie for the sequel, so maybe a shift in tone might add something to it, you know?

Well...

If we can say anything good about this ill-advised sequel, is that it's a well made, pretty film. It established a nice, dread-filled atmosphere in which its narrative had room to grow, and it's effective enough to have pulled us in and make us want to see where it went... and then of course, nothing of note ever really happened.

It all starts off on a rather promising note: After the closing events of the first film, Nell Sweetzer is found cowering on the kitchen counter of some local couple whose house she broke into, thus scaring the crap out of them. She's scared and looking rather demonic, and the tone for the film is set just about perfectly.

This is why I never go into the kitchen at night. Ever.

She's taken to a local hospital, examined and bathed, where she has some sort of crazy flashback and starts throwing up gang signs. After they decide that Nell isn't insane (?!?), she's relegated to life in a halfway house for wayward girls, which is populated only by attractive kids who look as if they've been in a Benetton ad or two.

"West-siiiiddddeeee!"

She gets a job as a maid at a local Hotel, meets a boy, and is even introduced to "music" via one of those fancy music players with them wiry headphones! She also encounters agents of (Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam (that pesky Demon) everywhere she goes, who eerily remind her, constantly, how she belongs to him, and that he will have her, and that he's going to touch her at night while she sleeps...

This is actually a tender love/sex scene. Honestly.

After a failed voodoo exorcism -which by the way is really cheesy and lame- the movie culminates in a resolution filled with CGI fire and cheesy grins. Apparently all (Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam wanted this whole time was to be able to drive a car and do some arson. And "enter" a young, tender girl. Perv.

Every time I hear the name Abalam, Black Betty starts playing in my head... and won't stop.

Why did the local police make no effort to find her family, or investigate the events that lead to her disheveled, tragic state? Where did her brother go? Why was she not questioned as to the whereabouts of Cotton Marcus and his missing film crew? Is there a reason that (Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam, the Demon that haunts Nell, seems to want to bang her more than he does possess her? Seriously, our Demon villain possesses her hand while she sleeps, and proceeds to rub her face like he's failing miserably at finding her fun button... so at worst, (Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam is a pedo-creeper who likes to rub girls up while they're asleep. Yeah.

Most of the movie was slow and plodding, relying on old gags and tired plot devices to carry it along. For instance, Nell sees a random visage of her dead Father staring at her from across a busy street, and after a bus passes between them, he's gone gone! Fresh, right? We're also treated to creepy flash imagery which ends in Nell waking up and realizing "it was just a dream..." She even gets phone calls from (Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam... after she's unplugged the phone! So much of this movie was way too familiar, and not in a good way.

Cool imagery though.

Music cues and jump scares, that's about as terrifying as things get here. In short, the whole thing is little more than recycled gags.

(Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam is apparently hot for Nell, and we spend the whole movie being reminded of that fact through various means, all of which never really amounts to much. Everyone around her is an agent of evil, urging Nell to give in to (Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam's will because "she belongs to him", and it all get very repetitive and tiring.

This movie is sorely missing the character of Cotton Marcus, who really made the first film so palatable. Could they not have had him somehow survive the events of the first movie, and spend the sequel tracking Nell down to either help her or kill her? They could have went that way and made this movie a solid sequel. Too bad they didn't.

I'm guessing that (Whoa-oh, Black Betty) Abalam is a horny demon that likes to be inappropriate with young girls.

Aside from its solid technical presentation and Ashley Bell acating her ass off, The Last Exorcism Part II falls flat. The movie relies on tricks and gags that we've seen endless times before, which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if they actually made the movie scary or even added some dramatic tension to the proceedings. Unfortunately, the movie has too many plot holes and there are too many questions that go unanswered for us to not take issue with it. As it stands, what we have here is a slow, plodding, uneventful sequel to a movie that deserved a better follow up than this.

D

Ashley Bell is not to blame for this movie's shortcomings and failings; she's a good little actress and she did what she could here with the limited material she had to work with. She's also cute as a button, so lay off of her!

The Lords of Salem (2013)

Being of the firm belief that Rob Zombie went off the rails after his Halloween remake, and has made nothing but crap ever since, we went into The Lords of Salem with a cautious hope. We hoped it would be a return to form for Zombie akin to The Devil's Rejects; maybe not in terms of content, but definitely in terms of quality.

While LOS surely had it's moments, we found the movie overall to be a mess -maybe his messiest movie to date- and we loathed Halloween II and El Superbeasto.

Let's get on with it, shall we?

The Lords of Salem is the story of Heidi, a local DJ in Salem, Massachusetts. She's one third of the super-crazy "Big H Radio Team," and a former crackhead. All she has in life is her sobriety, her radio gig, a shitty apartment, and a dog named boo... or, it's named something else. Can't remember. *Turns out the dog was named Troy. Sorry for the confusion.

Troy.

When a mysterious wooden box containing a mysterious record is delivered to Heidi at the radio station, marked "A gift from the Lords," she takes it home and listens to it, only to find that it plays backwards and its trippy grooves immediately put her into into a crazy trance. The next day at work, The Big H Radio Team pops that baby on the turn table and lets it rip, because, Rock n' Roll, man! It of course puts every woman (?) in Salem into the same trance-like state that Heidi fell into.

Maybe she was on drugs the whole time?

As Heidi's wild hallucinations and vivid flashbacks intensify, she falls into a state of hopeless despair, once again turning to drugs to cope. Lucky for her that she has a meddlesome Landlord (who has two creepy sisters) to look in on her, and keep her safely locked in her apartment... safe from everyone except them, that is!

Is Heidi going insane? Who are the Lords of Salem? Will any of this movie ever make any sense? Far be it from us to spoil it for you, but suffice it to say that no, no sense shall ever be made of this movie or anything contained therein.

Witches, man. Witches.

As a Director, Rob Zombie has two things going for him; he knows how to frame a shot/shoot a scene, and he has a unique eye for sharp, effective visuals. It's plain to see that he's a huge Horror fan, and because of that fact he brings certain classic elements to his movies, and tries to make the best out of them. Visually, this movie is pretty damn good.

Sheri Moon Zombie did a decent job in her role here, and came off as pretty believable. Even if she weren't Zombie's wife, she could totally do the acting thing on her own if she wanted to. As far as performances go, Bruce Davison was probably the standout for us in this one; he definitely brought the most legitimacy to the movie with his role, and he kept his scenes grounded, which we really liked.

The music was also great in this one, both the score and the song selections. John 5 really knocked it out of the park with this score, and I imagine the soundtrack album will be a good listen, especially at high volume, in the car.

Zombie has an artistic eye, no doubt.

Rob Zombie needs to stop writing his own scripts. The plot in this one is incoherent and underdeveloped, and the atmosphere feels more campy than it does dread filled or dark. That's the fault of poor writing and plotting, plain and simple. Zombie tends to cast pretty well, and those he does cast show up and do their jobs well, but the material they have to work with here is just not good at all.

The thing about this movie, and a lot of Zombie's other film work, is this: If there was no sound, no plot, and you played nothing but music over the visuals, you'd have a pretty trippy music video on your hands. So much of what goes on in this film is just random, "out there" visual oddity, that serves no real purpose other than to be random and "out there." Like a music video. That's basically what Rob Zombie does here; he creates an hour and a half long music video, and tries to force a shambled mess of a plot in there to make it into a movie.

I mean, the end credits were more coherent and tension-filled than anything that preceded them.

WTF is this guy doing? And why?

I'm really not trying to shit on the guy, or his creative vision, but he's six films deep into his career as a Director, and this is the extent of his growth and evolution as a filmmaker? This felt like a first film, not a sixth. To us, it even felt like more of a first film that 1000 Corpses did, and as much as we love that movie, it had some serious issues going on with it.

Rob Zombie clearly makes movies for himself, which is honestly what a filmmaker should do, but at some point in the creative process, there have to be measures enacted to ensure a work's coherence and to deliver a solid narrative. Had the script been better, this movie would have worked better. Had the story made more sense, and had more of a point to it, it could have been his best film to date.

Alright, at this point it's obvious that things like this were thrown into the move "just because."

Here's a list of examples of the things that bothered us in The Lords of Salem:

Why would a group of DJ's play a 30 second song that was sent to them by an unknown band, over the air like they did? Better yet, how could that band, with its 30 seconds of odd noise, be billed as the stars of a "Coming to Salem for one night only!" event, as if that would appeal to anyone at all? Is that how the Boston music scene really works?

At one point, Sheri Moon Zombie comes home to her dark apartment, and starts calling her dog. All is silent. When she turns on the light. her dog is suddenly right there... and the creepy music hits to give us a jump scare? Intentional or not, it made me laugh.

... and what's with this guy?

What was with the midget made of clay, squealing while Sheri Moon Zombie vibrated in place and wrangled his penis tentacles? The thing looked like a living ham.

The paper mache'-looking priests masturbating with purple dildos while Sheri Moon Zombie rides a goat and grinds with someone from a Norwegian Death Metal band... well it looked like a bunch of abstract shit from a music video, rather than a scene, or even a quick sequence of them. It all felt very pointless and pout of place.

***BEWARE, ENDIING SPOILERS***
And the ending.... Sheri Moon Zombie gives birth to a crayfish and then ends up standing on top of a mound of dead, naked old chicks, white eyes and all, in a messianic pose... which prompts a goofy smile from the head witch. Then she plays with her dog, the end. What was that?
 ***BEWARE, ENDIING SPOILERS***

What is this I don't even.

We get a living ham playing penis-jump rope with Sheri Moon Zombie, a bunch of Fulci Zombie-looking Priests masturbating with dildo's, someone gets beat to death with a frying pan, and we see a pile of naked dead bodies at one point... the gore factor in this one is on the low end of the scale, though there are plenty of disturbing visuals throughout.

There's a ton of nudity in this one... and most of it involves a group of older, not-in-the-best-shape-of-their-lives women. Not gonna lie, it was mostly not cool. Sheri Moon Zombie also gets mostly naked in this, and seems to like showing off her butt crack, so, that helped a bit.

A bit.

Too many clothing!

Over the past 30 years of watching Horror flicks, I can safely say that I've seen thousands of them. I think it's safe to say that I've paid my dues as a Horror Fanatic, so when I say "God, that sucked" I do so with the experience of having a good basis of comparison under my belt.

For most of its running time, LOS is a silly, nonsensical, laughable, sorry mess of a movie. That being said, I have to admit that The Lords of Salem didn't completely suck; it's a nice looking movie with some moments of goodness wedged in between the even more numerous moments of confounding nonsense. It's confusing and feels incomplete, and more than anything else, just feels like a missed opportunity.

A guy named Ben Rock over on our Get Glue account made a comment about the movie that really sums it up the best:

"I don't hate Rob Zombie's films, but I don't like them either. I just can't help but think he doesn't make movies for the same reason I want to see them."

We couldn't have said it better ourselves.

D

Sheri Moon Zombie is a Hottie for sure, and she's not a bad actress at all, either. Lots of Horror fans out there bitch and moan that Rob Zombie needs to stop casting her in all of his movies, but if they had a wife that hot, and one that could actually act too, they'd cast her in their movies too.

So, shut up about it already.