Netflix Review: The Rezort (2017)

"Jurassic Park with zombies."

Yes, The Rezort is basically Jurassic Park with zombies.

Maybe that's a simplistic (and even unfair) way to describe the movie, but it's the first thing that popped into our minds once we got past the 90-minute news montage that opened the movie, and the story actually started unfolding.

I don't think that it's a bad thing either. It's actually a pretty cool concept, and so what if the filmmakers said "Hey, what if we did a movie like Jurassic Park, but with zombies, man!"

If it works, it works, and it definitely works well here.

After a near zombie apocalypse which saw mankind wage war and win against legions of the viral undead, losing 2 billion lives in the process, the world begins to rebuild itself. Part of that rebuilding involves capitalism, and the monetary exploitation of the tragic events, because that's what we humans do. That's where The Rezort comes in.

IT'S LIKE A BIG VIDEO GAME!

The Rezort is an island resort/theme park or sorts, which allows paying customers to hunt and kill zombies to their heart's content. It's all perfectly safe and well-regulated, with no real danger involved for any of the guests... until a hacker group does a little number on The Rezort's computer system, which results in the zombies being freed, and just about everyone on the island becoming food.

SHE HUNGRY.

You know the drill from here on out: there's a group of people who have to band together to survive, which includes a pretty, likable final girl; her boyfriend who might be an asshole; a slutty (we hope) blonde chick; a bad-ass who's a crack shot with a rifle; a few dumbasses who you just know are destined to die painfully; an evil, money-hungry businesswoman who you really want to see die painfully; and a few other people who are just there to up the body count. And of course, very little goes to plan.

Good times.

STICK WITH HIM. HE KNOWS HOW TO STAY ALIVE.

The Rezort was a good zombie flick. It gets a little heavy-handed with the "humans are the real monsters" vibe that runs throughout, and in typical Horror fashion, many of the characters do some truly stupid shit, but at the end of the day, this is a bloody, fun, and well put-together zombie flick.

The zombies look, and act, really cool in this one. Yes, they're the fast moving zombies which many Horror fans seem to hate, but if that ploy works for the movie, then we have no issue with it. They really don't movie crazy fast or anything, so if you're one of those fans who prefer slower-moving zombies, don't panic.

The cast did a great job here with a script that gave them some rather clunky dialogue to chew on. Jessica De Gouw, whom we loved in the excellent Aussie Apocalyptic flick, These Final Hours (Review HERE), was the perfect final girl in this one, and she's destined for big things, we think. This also may be the best thing we've seen Dougray Scott in for quite some time. We dig that guy. 

ELEN RHYS WAS A SEXY TREAT AS WELL.

The Rezort offers plenty in the way of typical zombie movie kills, and there's no shortage of bloodshed to be had here. I'm not sure what the balance between practical FX and CGi was in this movie, but it all looked pretty great and gruesome.

SEE, THERE'S SOME BLOOD!

There isn't any skin in this one at all.

THIS IS AS CLOSE TO A SEX SCENE AS THIS MOVIE GETS.

"You had the map."

AND SHE'S GOT THE GUN.

The Rezort may not be a perfect film, and it definitely tries to do more with its scattered storylines that it maybe should, but it's bloody, intense, and we loved Jessica De Gouw and Dougray Scott together. We'd gladly sit thought this one again, and we'd definitely welcome a sequel, especially given the way that it ended.

Bring it on.

B-

The Rezort is streaming on Netflix now.

Sexy survivors, Jessica De Gouw and Elen Rhys.

VOD Review: Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (2017)

"Nein."

The title Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies gives you the impression that some wacky, flesh-eating hi-jinks are in store, and that you're probably going to be in for a stupid good time.

Or so you'd think.

We really thought that we'd be getting something along the lines of the Dead Snow flicks with this one; you know, some clever lines, some inappropriate humor, plenty of awesome gore... but alas, this snowy Euro zombie flick is no Dead Snow.

Not even close.

Steve is a cocky snowboarder who doesn't want to grow up, no matter how many times his crazy-hot girlfriend, Branka, tells him that he needs to. He's scheduled to meet a fan on a remote mountaintop for a photo op, and he decides that he's going to not only jump from a helicopter and board down the mountain to meet them, but that he's going to do so naked... which turns out to to be the worst idea ever, because his super fan is a 9-year-old girl.

YEAH. YOUR BOYFRIEND SCARRED THAT POOR GIRL FOR LIFE.

Not only does his little stunt lose his team their sponsor, but furious at his immaturity, Branka dumps him. They're also told to leave the mountain, which proves to be impossible, because someone takes off with their helicopter, leaving them stranded. At least there's a Biergarten nearby where they can drink and dance.

IF SHE FLEW THEM THERE, THEN WHO MADE OFF WITH THEIR HELICOPTER?

There's also the matter of a local entrepreneur who is trying to fight global warming with a machine that makes neon green sludge (?!?), which ends up popping a leak, spraying a guy in the face, and turning him into a zombie who loves to dance to shitty music. Of course, the dance fever zombie ends up infecting nearly everyone else on the mountaintop, which leaves our bumbling snowboarding crew to fight for their lives... using their snowboards.

THE DANCE SCENE.

Where we expected this movie to be funny, most of its jokes ended up feeling forced and only mildly amusing at times to us. I mean, I guess some people will get a wacky kick out of two snowboarders doing stunts that decapitate and eviscerate the living dead that are trying to kill them, but all I could do was shake my head and ask "why?" during it all.

There are also no zombies wearing lederhosen in this movie, which was a bummer.

I liked the cast, especially the super cute Gabriela Marcinková. That's something, I guess.

Look, this is a valiant little effort that just isn't particularly funny or even remotely scary. If this movie had come out, say, 15 years ago, and we hadn't seen the same thing done better so many times over that same span, it would have probably amused us more. It had its moments, but it had plenty of swings and misses as well.

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH OUR REACTION TO THIS MOVIE.

There are plenty of fun gore gags to be had once the zombie action kicks in towards the end of the movie. Of course, most of them are fairly tongue-in-cheek, but hey, at least it's gore. 

SNOWBOARD CARNAGE.

You'd think an Austrian Horror flick would have some gratuitous nudity on display, what with Europe being more progressive when it comes to that kind of thing and all, but nein, no naked Mädchen to be seen here.

SWISS MISS HAS HAD A ROUGH LIFE.

This is a movie that plenty of people are going to have fun with, but it just didn't work for us like we had hoped that it would. It was a decent-enough diversion though, so don't let us stop you from checking it out... just know that it's more cheesy than it is funny.

C-

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies is available now on VOD.

Gabriela Marcinková is one Czech beauty who we need to see more of.

Review: Train to Busan (2016)

"Train to Awesomeness."

Think Snakes on a Plane (minus Sam Jackson) with shades of Snowpiercer (trapped on a speeding train plus the whole class war thing); the "strangers band together to survive in a world suddenly gone mad" aesthetic of the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake; the frenetic, rabid infected intensity of World War Z; and some acrobatic craziness like only the films that populate the world of Asian Cinema can offer, and that's basically what Train to Busan is.

That's not to say that it isn't it's own film, or that it borrows too heavily from the aforementioned efforts to be its own thing, but it played like an amalgamation of those movies, amongst others, and it bears noting.

Seok Woo is a workaholic fund manager and a great provider for his daughter, Soo-an, but he's not the best dad, because he's always working and doesn't spend much time with his baby girl. For her birthday, Su-an wants her dad to take her to Busan (by train) to see her mom, because she's a kid, and she wants some attention from at least one of her parents. So, desperate to make her happy, even if it means being without her, Seok Woo takes them on... The Train to Busan!

"ENJOYING YOUR TRAIN RIDE, HONEY?"

Aboard the train are a colorful cast of characters: a tough guy and his pregnant wife; a hot K-Pop star pretending to be a naughty schoolgirl; a stereotypical old business tycoon who thinks commoners are beneath him; two old sisters who you just know are going to die; a crazy homeless guy who looks like the dude from Snowpiercer; and a woman with a wound on her leg, who turns into to a zombie, and infects almost everyone else, thus turning them into ravenous zombies too.

IT SPREADS QUICKLY.

Everyone else who isn't infected, which is only a small band of folk, have to come together to survive the long training trip to Busan, because the train can't stop, because the world outside has gone to zombie shit too. Can Seok-Woo get his daughter to Busan, and to safety? Will Sang-Hwa prove to be the biggest badass in S.Korea? Will we be left feeling sad and dejected at how everything turns out for everyone? Maybe, yes, and sadly, yes.

WORST TRAIN RIDE EVER.

If nothing else, S.Korean movies tend to be sentimental, action-packed, and a bit out there, which is usually the reason that so many of them end up being so good. Train to Busan is all of those things, all while being one of the most intense and exciting infected flicks that we've seen in years.

For a movie that is so claustrophobic in its setting, Train to Busan is full of big action. Director Sang-ho Yeon uses the cramped quarters of his train setting to maximum effect, giving we the audience plenty of fights, chases, and narrow escapes to keep us on the edge of our seats. And blood. There's plenty of that, too.

As exciting as the movie is, it's made all the more harrowing thanks to a cast of realistic and well thought out characters who are played by some very likable actors. Sang-Hwa was easily one of our favorite characters of any movie that we saw in 2016, and he's a perfect example of why we loved this movie so much.

IT'S ALSO AN EMOTIONALLY INTENSE MOVIE TOO.

I'm usually a huge sucker for emotional subplots and beats in movies, even if they are heavy-handed, but some of the ones in this movie were even too sappy and forced for me.

SOMETHING ABOUT HER MOVED ME THOUGH...

I understand that most Horror movies are going to be downbeat, and most of their endings are anything but happy, but for the love of God the fates of most of the characters in this one were huge bummers. Seriously.

CHONG-GI SMILED ON THE INSIDE, KNOWING THAT SOON HE WOULD FINALLY KNOW WHAT HUMAN FACE TASTED LIKE.

It's a S.Korean zombie flick, so yeah, there's plenty of typical bloody zombie action throughout this one.

"FASTEN YOUR SEATBEEEEEELTS!"

Not that kind of movie at all.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN THOUGH. OH, IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

When Sang-Hwa strapped up and had a street brawl with a car-full of infected zombies. Good stuff.

IT'S GO TIME.

Train to Busan does the infected/zombie thing about as well as any movie since the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake, and that's saying something. It's intense, heartfelt, crazy, and one of the best movies that 2016 had to offer.

See it when you can.

A

Train to Busan is available now on VOD.

Sohee is apparently a huge pop star in S.Korea. We can see why.