Theatrical Review: Blair Witch (2016)

"Not as good as expected, but not as bad as it could have been."

(aka All Out of Time)
Release Date: September 16th.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Simon Barrett.
Directed by: Adam Wingard.
Starring: Callie Hernandez, James Allen McCune, Corbin Reid, and Valorie Curry.

Love it or hate it, The Blair Witch Project (review HERE) changed the Horror landscape in 1999. It wasn't the first Found Footage movie ever, but it was certainly the first to capture the attention of audiences on a massive level. TBWP was an Indie movie that went on to gross $250 million worldwide on a budget of $60k, which made it one of the most profitable movies of all-time.


A year later they came out with Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, which got way more hate than it deserved.

And now here we are with a new Blair Witch sequel in theaters,and we have to say that it's probably the 2nd best of the series. Yeah, we liked part 2. Critics be damned!

20 years ago, Heather Donahue disappeared in the woods near Burkittsville, Maryland, while on the hunt for the Blair Witch. When her little brother James sees a video online that he thinks has a glimpse of her in it, he and his friends set off to Burkittsville find her. Why he thinks she'd be alive after all that time and still living in the woods is beyond me, but I suppose it's possible.

THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

James and his crew track down the people who uploaded said video, and they all head into the woods together. Just like in the first movie, eerie things begin to happen when they set up camp for the night: there are stick figures hanging in the trees; rock piles in front of tents; creepy cries and noises come from the darkness; and people disappear. Yes, the Blair Witch is still there, and she's still not very friendly.

OR EVER.

Unlike the first movie... well, there are some plot points that we can't spoil for you here, but suffice it to say that things get really weird and none of it is explained all that well. Or is it?!?

NO, NOT REALLY.

Blair Witch was a fun ride to take. It had its share of scares and tension throughout, and a truly harrowing scene involving a tunnel, and it left me wanting more... if only to get answers to the questions that the movie's crazy plot twist left me with.

Look, love it or hate it, The Blair Witch Project took a very simple premise and executed the hell out of it. It felt real, and if you were able to let it pull you in and accept it as such, it delivered some genuine terror. This sequel though was a mixed bag. On one hand it played almost exactly like TBWP (at least to a point), and it did recapture some of that original magic; on the other, it tried to do its own thing and add something... unexpected... to the whole mythology, and I'm honestly still not sure how I feel about it. I like what it had to offer, for the most part, but I think that it complicated things a bit much, and hence it didn't do much business at the Box Office.

It was cool to see Valorie Curry show up in this one too. She's the goods.

VALORIE CURRY IS THE CUTE ONE.

Ok, so what in the hell was with that twist?

***BEWARE SPOILERS!!!***

Time Travel? They're stuck in a time loop? Alright, that's interesting enough, but how about cluing us into why, and how it's possible, or even what the point of it is. And what was the creature? Word from the writer himself is that it WASN'T the witch, but "something" else? Elly Kedward? A goblin? A Jim Henson puppet?

Why did they have to go and make it so ambiguous? The story is pretty simple: There's a witch in the woods, and she feeds on those stupid enough to trespass on her land and disrespect it. Why fuck that beautiful premise up by adding time travel to the mix?

EVEN HE'S CONFUSED!

Why was this movie so much like the original? For a while there it felt like a remake with the way that it hit so many of the same beats and unfolded in the same way. Not sure if Wingard and Barrett were trying to recapture the magic of the original or what, but it really felt like a "re-telling" with a crazy plot twist thrown in at the end to make it its own beast.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT'S GOING ON!!!

Barely any gore in this.

PLENTY OF MYSTERY THOUGH...

And even less nudity.

SO MANY LOVELY LADIES, SO LITTLE SKIN.

I liked this sequel, although not anywhere as much as I liked the first movie. Where TBWP shook the foundations of the genre when it was released in 1999, Blair Witch seemed to be content with aping its style, and adding in a bizarre plot twist to make it play more exciting. Or at least that was probably the intention, anyway.

I say it's worth seeing, just go into it with an open mind. 

C+

Blair Witch is in theaters now.

Oh those witchy women...

VOD Review: They're Watching (2016)

"It at least kept us watching..."

They're Watching is technically a Found Footage flick, but we're also labeling it as a Mockumentary, because it was all about a Reality TV show, so it had aspects of both.

It's also the brainchild of the writers of such video games as Call of Duty: Black Ops II, and of the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants, so right off the bat, we knew that it would at least be something different.

And different it was.

We're probably going to take some crap for liking this one, or maybe just because we didn't hate it, but we've got to vote our feelings, you know?

This is gonna be a quickie. 

The crew of the Reality TV show Home Hunters Global is off to the country of Moldova, to find a new home for Becky; an artist who is tired of the fast pace of LA life, and who just wants to live somewhere that's quaint and rustic. Why she thinks that she's going to find what she's looking for in the ass-crack of Eastern Europe is anyone's guess, but hey, who can ever tell what a hipster artist is thinking anyway?

HIPSTER OR NOT, SHE'S HOT.

The crew -Sarah, Greg, and Alex, along with bitchy boss, Kate- find some help from a charming local guide named Vladimir, and together they set out to capture the the local sights on video, because long shots of the mouth-breathing locals are going to add some great flavor to Becky's story. They also drink and party, because what the hell else is there to do in Moldova?

AT LEAST ONE OF THEM IS HAPPY.

When they interrupt the villagers during a religious ceremony (Satanic rite, for all we know), they quickly begin to feel unwelcome... which is to say that the locals want to kill them because they think that they're witches or something.

Hilarious hi-jinks ensue.

AND DEATH. DEATH ENSUES TOO.

They're Watching reminded us of... and I say this VERY, VERY lightly... What We Do in the Shadows; not because it's anywhere near as funny or clever, but it had that same sort of light, humorous Mockumentary vibe about it. This one was funny, but on a lesser level.

This movie gave us a pretty fun premise, and we liked the characters and their witty banter, but there really wasn't much Horror to be found until near the end. We're not complaining, not really, as the movie entertained us fairly well with its humor, but anyone going into this one expecting it to be a balanced mix of Horror and Comedy might well be disappointed. 

Had the film's producers been able to spend a bit more money on the CGI that rules the last 10 minutes of the movie, it would have been better for it. It's pretty chintzy as is, and it fits in far better with the comedic tone of the first half of the movie, than with the Horror that they were trying to close it out with.

"SO, YOU WILL LET VLAD SHOW YOU MOLDOVA SWEAT BOX, YES?"

There's a bit of blood and gore at the end, but most of the movie is devoid of any such stuff.

THIS IS WHAT MAKES UP MOST OF THE MOVIE.

No nudity here, which is a bummer given how attractive the movie's cast is.

SUCH A QT.

Eastern Europeans hate Americans. And Witches. Especially American Witches.

SHOULDA STAYED IN LA.

Say what you will about They're Watching, because it's certainly not a prefect Horror Comedy by any means, but we enjoyed it. It had a fun vibe about it, the cast handle their comedic roles fairly well, and the finale was pretty cool... if a bit visually underwhelming.

If you dig the trailer, then this movie will probably be a fun rental.

C+

They're Watching is in theaters (Limited), and on VOD now.

Brigid Brannagh and Mia Faith make for one bewitching on-screen duo in this one.

Theatrical Review: The Witch (2016)

"Why yes, we would like to live deliciously."

(aka The Settlers.)
Release Date: February 19th.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Robert Eggers. 
Directed by: Robert Eggers.
Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Ralph Ineson, Kate Dickie, and Black Philip.

Have you ever seen that DirecTV commercial with the Puritan settlers? The one where they settle for cable, offer their neighbors salted meats and homemade hats, and where taking a lick off of the family lolly every Harvest Moon seems like a genuine treat to them?

Well, The Witch is a lot like that, except in the movie, the Puritan settlers aren't quite so jovial; there's a witch in the nearby woods who wants to eat them; there's a lot more death; and there's this creepy goat named Black Phillip who lurks around and looks at everyone like he wants to kill them... and maybe eat them too. Goats eat anything, you know.

There's no family lolly though.

I went into The Witch knowing as little about it as possible; I'd seen one trailer and a few pictures, but I did my best to avoid reading any plot details or spoilers, especially when it came to the advance reviews from last year's Fantastic Fest. The buzz surrounding the movie was extremely positive, and that's all I needed to know to get me excited to see it.

With this in mind, I've left the plot details below a bit vague; there's a lot that happened in the movie that I'd love to talk about, but The Witch is exactly the kind of quiet, plot-driven movie that deserves to be seen unspoiled.

After a Puritan family is banished from their community because the father is stubborn and prideful, they're forced to move out into the remote countryside. They build their home near a creepy-ass forest that's rumored to be the home of a witch, but their belief in God is unshakable, so they're not afraid of any damned witch!

ARE THEY PRAYING TO THE FOREST?

After a few months of country living, we find eldest daughter Thomasin out by the edge of the forest, playing peek-a-boo with her infant brother, Sam. In the middle of the game, the baby disappears, and we see a black-cloaked figure of a woman taking him deep into the woods, and yes, we do find out why. The family is devastated at the loss of the baby, and even though they decided that it must have been a wolf that carried him off (?!?), mom casts a suspicious eye at Thomasin, because she just knows that it's her fault. We know it's a witch though.

PURITAN PORN?

Soon after the disappearance, their crops begin to die, the animals on the farm begin acting oddly, and the two youngest children, Jonas and Mercy, begin acting in the creepiest of fashions; they claim that the family goat, Black Phillip, talks to them; they claim to know that the witch of the woods has taken baby Sam; and they claim that Thomasin is in league with Satan. All of this sets everyone on edge, causing them to fight amongst themselves. Then, eldest son Caleb disappears.

And that's all you get.

YE OLDE FINAL GIRL.

The Witch is a genuinely scary movie, and a disturbing one as well. Everyone out there won't agree with the "scary" part, and it didn't have us hiding under our seat or anything, but this is one of those movies where the setting, the bleak atmosphere, and the goings-on pulled us into the movie, and allowed us to feel the unease and fear that its characters did.

Even though The Witch is a genuine Horror movie with evil creatures and beasts and all, there's a genuine vein of psychological Horror that runs through it which provides just as much terror as any of the Satanic stuff does. Evil witches aside, this movie is as much about paranoia destroying a family as it is anything.

This is also a gorgeous film which boasts some stunning cinematography, and a fantastic score that almost feels like its own character for all of the creepiness that it brings to the story. The visuals and music absolutely set the mood in this one.

THIS MOVIE EVEN FREAKED THE RABBIT OUT.

Writer/director Robert Eggers spent a lot of time researching 17th Century New England in order to make the movie feel as authentic as possible, and it shows. Witches, folklore, Puritanical beliefs and behaviors, vocabulary and grammar; it's all as authentic as it can be, and his research creates a dark, gloomy world that feels real, and more importantly, dangerous. This is one of those well-crafted movies that feels as if it were a factual account of real events. It's all fiction, of course, but I'll tell you that it sucked us right in and made us believe in its world, its characters, and the danger that they were all facing, in a way that few films do.

The cast is fantastic in this one too. Even though it was hard to make out some of the words that came out of the character's mouths at times, Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie (both Game of Thrones alumni) were compelling as parents who dealt with the tragedies that befell them in very different ways. Newcomer Anya Taylor-Joy knocked it out of the park as the tortured daughter who is hopelessly caught between the religious beliefs of her parents, and the evil that is growing all around them. We're probably going to be seeing a lot more from her.

"I'M NOT A WITCH!"

With the Olde Worlde English that the characters spoke in the movie, it was really hard to tell what the hell they were saying sometimes. Maybe even 40% of the time.

WHAT DID HE EVEN SAY?

This movie needed more Black Phillip.

THAT'S ONE MISCHIEVOUS GOAT.

A witch makes some skin cream out of people, a crow eats away at someone, a kid throws up some nasty stuff, and a few people are stabbed to death with various implements. All of it is shown in a pretty graphic, matter-of-fact kind of way, with no cutting away.

SHE'S SEEN SOME SHIT

Anya Taylor-Joy gets naked, but most of it is obscured by shadows.

WELL, SOMEONE'S GROWING UP AWFUL FAST.

There's always a witch in the woods, so you should really live in the city at all costs. Also, we would really like to live deliciously.

YEAH, PRAYING ISN'T GOING TO SAVE YOU.

Yeah, we're giving The Witch an A+. I don't really hand that grade out very often, because to me, it speaks of a certain level of perfection that most films, even the best of them, seldom attain. This witchy, Satanic masterpiece really deserves the praise though. This is not a perfect film; everyone is going to find different things to love and hate about it. For us though, The Witch is a gorgeous, moody, horrifying film that took plenty of familiar tropes and made them its own, and in doing so, gave us an experience that felt very different and fresh from the norm. This is exactly the kind of Horror movie that we love.

The Witch is the perfect kind of movie to watch on a quiet, dark night, and you definitely should when it hits VOD two weeks from now.

A+

The Witch is in theaters now, and will be hitting VOD in a few short weeks on May 3rd.

The bewitching Anya Taylor-Joy.