VOD Review: Tell Me How I Die (2016)

"Another day, another Kirby Bliss Blanton film."

So maybe we did seek this movie out because it had Kirby Bliss Blanton in it. It also had a pretty interesting concept going for it, and we dug the trailer too, so it's not like we only watched it because it has one of our favorite modern day Hottie's in it or something.

Although, that's not an entirely bad reason to check out a movie either. After all, that's what fandom is all about, even if that fandom is based on illicit things that run through our mind every time we see a particular actress.

We're only human folks, don't judge us.

What do you do when you're 20-something, and you need some extra cash in this modern era of slacktivism and self-entitlement? No, you don't get a job -this is 2017, people need quicker and easier options than that- what you do is you rent your body to science for experimentation!

DON'T WORRY, BABY, IT ONLY HURTS THE FIRST TIME.

Lead Hottie, Hottie #2, the Snarky Daredevil, the Aww Shucks Nice Guy, and the Wacky Asian Nerd have signed up for a drug trial in a fancy, isolated building, that will see a memory-enhancing drug tested on them. The drug comes with some nasty (and yet, potentially fun) side effects, like being able to see into the future. Lead Hottie's reaction to the drug is a bit different though, as her future visions are of each of them dying.

"OH MY GOD, I CAN SEE FOREVER!"

Soon enough, our generic characters learn that there's a killer on the loose, and that each of them is dying in the ways that Lead Hottie predicted, and so they spend the rest of the movie trapped in an isolated building by a fierce CGI snowstorm, trying to outwit the killer and survive their own pre-visualized deaths.

NOT ALL OF THEM MAKE IT.

A Slasher flick dressed up in aspects of Final Destination-like precognition, Tell Me How I Die is an above average effort thanks to an interesting premise, and some slick visuals. And of course, the presence of the ultra-hot Kirby Bliss Blanton instantly makes the whole thin better. Virginia Gardner also had a serious case of the hotties going on, and both she and Kirby, along with their male co-stars, did the best they could with the generic characters that they were bidden to play.

It was fun and thrilling in a way to watch the characters try to escape their fates, even if you know that all but one or two of them were most likely going to die, because this is a Horror flick, and people need to die. 

On the flip side, the script is pretty shallow, offering very little in the way of character development, and it's a bit over-complicated at times as well. The CGI snow wasn't fooling anyone either.

And the way they handled the killer, and their motivation, in this film left something to be desired too. Not only are they "revealed" far too late, but their motivation for killing everyone is just over-convoluted, and it didn't have enough depth and backstory to make it impactful like it should have been.

DON'T DESPAIR, LEAD HOTTIE, IT WASN'T ALL BAD.

There's some bloodshed to be had throughout this one, but it didn't really push the graphic envelope like it could have. Some of it was obscured by the shadowy darkness that enveloped this movie too, which kinda sucked.

WHY WOULD YOU TOUCH THAT?

Nope, but Kirby Bliss Blanton does spend the entire movie in a tank top. That's something, I suppose...

"UM, EXCUSE ME... MY BOOBS ARE DOWN THERE!"

Despite the slow pace, and the lackluster ending, I really enjoyed Tell Me How I Die for what it was, and what it tried to be. It's the kind of slick, well-made Indie that we love around here, and it stars Kirby Bliss, who is now our unofficial girl mascot, so it worked for us. If you can forgive some egregious plot holes and some truly shitty CGI snow, then you will probably have a good time with this one.

C+

Tell Me How I Die is available now on VOD.

Virginia Gardner is new by us, but we like what we see so far. Also, Kirby Bliss is our boo.

Netflix Review: Spectral (2016)

"Big, stupid fun."

Alright, maybe "stupid" isn't the right word. Mindless may be better. Mindless like most fun popcorn flicks are, you know?

Shot in 2014, set for release this past August (until Universal got cold feet, for some reason), and then picked up by Netflix to stream on their site under the "Netflix Original" banner, even though it was not produced or created by Netflix, Spectral is finally available for the world to see... as long as you subscribe to Netflix, of course.

Oh, and it's a really fun flick.

In Moldova, a Delta Force Commando is killed by a wisp of smoke that is only visible via special ghost glasses. The creator of those glasses, Dr. Clyne, is sent to Moldova because somehow being the guy who made the ghost glasses is going to help a group of Delta Force badasses win the war, or put down the insurgency, or whatever the hell it is that they're doing there to begin with.

HE'S THE REAL BADASS.

You see, these humanoid wisps of smoke have been killing soldiers on contact, and the sexy CIA operative who wants answers, Madison, thinks that it's some sort of active camouflage, which makes no sense, because who the fuck in a country like Moldova could ever afford something that crazy advanced? Certainly not the Moldovans.

ACTIVE CAMOUFLAGE. RIGHT.

Turns out that someone gave the Moldovans billions to figure out a way to 3D scan people into virtually unbeatable condensate copies of their human hosts, which can't be shot, blown up, and which only need touch someone for like one second to drop them dead. Lucky for the Delta Force lads that Science + America = fuck you, Moldova!

American ass-kicking ensues!

"HEY COMMUNISM, I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU!"

For some reason, Spectral reminded me of about a dozen other movies where the story isn't very deep, and the science involved seems conveniently logical (who knows if any of it is plausible), but was slick, visually impressive, and all kinds of stupid fun. Although Spectral isn't a movie I'd call stupid like Battle: Los Angeles, Independence Day, or Battleship.

It just feels like it was cast in that same "Big, Dumb, Summer Movie" kind of mold, is all.

Short on substance it may be, but Spectral is long on visual awesomeness. The ghosts are cool, the guns are cool, the Delta Force guys are badass, and the movie is filled with a few kick-ass scenes that definitely belong in a Jerry Bruckheimer flick.

Imperfect as it is, it's every bit as good as most of them too. 

I love James Badge Dale (The Pacific and Rubicon are must see TV series'), and he makes this movie better by his presence alone. Add Max Martini (Dirt Diver from The Unit, which was also great TV), the sexy-as-hell Emily Mortimer playing a sassy CIA chick, and guys like Clayne Crawford and Bruce Greenwood to the mix, and you have a solid cast dong solid work here.

DON'T MOVE. MAYBE IT WON'T SEE YOU.

Most of the deaths in this one involve little to no blood.

BUT IT'S GOT TANKS!

Nope. This movie does not involve any sexy-time whatsoever.

WE KNOW THOSE FEELS.

Spectral is a fun, slick movie that will entertain the hell out of you for two hours, even if its story is a bit shallow, and it focuses more on style than substance. In that way, it's like a Summer Blockbuster, only with better actors. It could have easily been a theatrical release.

If you've got Netflix, add this one to your queue.

B+

Spectral is streaming on Netflix now.

Emily Mortimer is an underrated Hottie.

TV Review: Stranger Things (Season 1)

"The worst thing about this show is that it was over way too quick."

(aka John Carpenter's E.T.)
Release Date: July 15th.
Country: USA.
Rating: NR.
Written by: Matt and Ross Duffer.
Directed by: Matt and Ross Duffer.
Starring: Winona Ryder, David Harbour, Matthew Modine, Finn Wolfhard, Millie Bobby Brown, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Natalia Dyer, and Charlie Heaton.

Stranger Things is a love letter to the 80's. We grew up in the 80's, so the Dungeons & Dragons gaming sessions, the infectious pop music, the rotary phones, and TV antennas felt like a snapshot of our past to us.

In a way, we were the kids in this show. We were way cooler (obviously), but we played D&D, rode our bikes all over the place, and were totally afraid to talk to girls. Alright, fine. Maybe we were awkward too, but we're cool now. We think.

Even though we're going to keep things as vague as possible, mild spoilers do follow.

Hawkins, Indiana, 1983: After a particularly harrowing all-day session of Dungeons & Dragons in which Demogorgon lays waste to the entire party when one of the players rolls a shitty 7 (all you needed was a 13!), four middle school friends call it a night and part ways. One of them, Will, never makes it home.

"HAVE FUN NOT MAKING IT HOME."

Will's mother, Joyce, is frantic the next morning when she realizes her kid never made it home, and heads off to report him missing to the local Chief of Police, Hopper. He, along with everyone else, thinks that Joyce is crazy, because she kind of is, and so they aren't sure whether to believe her or not.

I WONDER IF SHE HAS CALL-WAITING?

Will's friends are worried, and since no one else is making any progress finding him, they decide to take matters into their own hands, and search the woods for him. What they find instead is a little girl in a hospital gown with a shaved head, and a penchant for remaining silent, named Eleven.

And that's all we're saying.

YEAH, THINGS GET STRANGE.

From the get-go, Stranger Things did not feel perfect to us. The story felt all too safe and familiar; the acting was cheesy at times (calm down, Winona!); and even the cast felt odd at first, as most of the kids weren't your cookie-cutter, good-looking Disney types (which was a really good thing, btw); but man did it ever pull us into its world and keep us engaged through its entire 8 Episode run.

Stranger Things is a show that is deeply rooted in the 80's, and not just because it takes place then; it feels like E.T. and The Goonies meets The Monster Squad, with a bit of old-school John Carpenter flair thrown in to make it darker. It also had obvious nods to Alien, and it reminded us of Silent Hill more than once, so really, it's a bunch of things thrown into one big, 80's-centric pot that made us nostalgia in a big way.

Had "Steven Spielberg and John Carpenter Presents" popped up during the opening credits, it wouldn't have shocked us at all.

US, CIRCA 1983.

As nostalgic and comfy as the word of Stranger Things feels, there's a steady stream of darkness and danger that runs through it, which makes it much more than some kid-friendly throwback. The monster is real (and creepy as hell); Eleven is dangerous, and we're never sure just who she's going to take her anger out on; and the proverbial "men in black" are a real threat who kill indiscriminately to cover their tracks and get back what is theirs.

It's all very dire, and as sweet as it can be, it's all very serious.

It was also over far too quick, and it left us hanging on a few plot points that have us really hoping that Netflix gives it a Season 2. Seriously, the waffles!

IS THAT A OUIJA BOARD PAINTED ON THE WALL?

Violence aplenty in this one, but the gore factor is low.

WINONA WENT DARK IN THIS ONE...

There's a bit of sex, but nothing gratuitous at all.

THE PANGS OF FIRST LOVE ARE APLENTY THOUGH.

One of the coolest things about Stranger Things is how it uses 80's music to accent its story. It's like an awesome mix-tape. Our faves were:

Should I Stay or Should I Go (The Clash)
Africa (TOTO)
I Melt With You (Modern English)
Waiting For a Girl Like You (Foreigner)
Sunglasses at Night (Corey Hart)

*GOONIES THEME SONG INTENSIFIES*

Sentimental, intense, nostalgic and creepy, Stranger Things took us by total surprise. It's one of the best things that we've seen all Summer, and we can't wait to see the story continue in Season 2. There's going to be a Season 2, right?

If you have Netflix, stream this bad boy asap.

A

Stranger Things is streaming on Netflix now.

From the I we saw her in Lucas, Winona Ryder was one of my biggest crushes as a kid. She's still beautiful today.