VOD Review- Deadly Weekend aka Zellwood (2014)

"At least Sara Underwood is hot..."

See that girl on the poster there? The perky blonde with the sinful body? That's Sara Underwood.

She's a sexy little Playboy Playmate of the Year with elf-like features, who used to be on Attack of the show, on the now defunct G4 Network. On AOTS, she'd read the news, sometimes she'd co-host, but most of all, she just showed up and looked sexy.

We loved the show, and she was a fun part of it.

Turns out that she's also the star of her very own Horror flick called Zellwood, which has since been renamed Deadly Weekend. Not sure why they decided to give the movie a new title; sure, Zellwood is pretty lame as movie titles go, but is Deadly Weekend any better? Sounds really, really generic to us.

Point is, we've been fans of Sara Underwood's since her G4 days, so we were naturally excited to see her not only star in a movie, especially since it was a low-budget Horror flick. She's bound to get naked in a low-budget Horror flick, right?

Wrong!

The movie opens up with a bunch of statistics about how shitty of a place Zellwood, Florida is to live in, mainly because it has so much crime. Apparently, you're more likely to get burgled, assaulted, or murdered in Zellwood than anywhere else in the U.S. To illustrate the point, the opening shot of the movie is a mortally wounded guy trying to crawl across someones lawn, we're assuming, to escape whoever mortally wounded him.

Why are you looking into the camera, QT pie?

Cut to Sara Underwood having a crazy dream about a threesome that ends with a dude getting his joint cut off with a bolt cutter, and waking up screaming. After some "acting" takes place, we see a group of friends getting ready to go camping, because that's what groups of friends do in Horror movies. We also see a family getting ready to host the campers, and give them an Airboat Ride. Then there's some driving, and some more "acting," and then a lot of walking.

LOTS of "acting."

20-some minutes more of walking, camping, over-acting, and everyone being pissed-off because "Sara Underwood is a whore" later, things get really crazy when one of the friends pushes a little girl on the ground, and then gets hit in the head with a baseball bat by her sister. Then, everyone drinks some iced tea and takes a nap.

"Did I just get roofied... again?"

When everyone wakes up from their nap, they find themselves tied up and about to be tortured to death. Sara Underwood also gets to play hide-and-seek too, which only serves to add to the tension of it all. At this point in the movie, watching her run for her life while wearing a skimpy outfit is all we have.

They are perfect. We'll let you decide for yourself exactly which "they" we're talking about here.

The main problem with Deadly Weekend, is that it takes forever for anything to happen in the movie. Aside from a quick scene at the beginning, and a "dream" that felt like a cheap add-on, nothing even remotely horrific happens until about 49 minutes in. When we say that, keep in mind that this movie is 83 minutes long. So basically it's about 50 minutes of melodrama followed by about 30 minutes of some decent torture porn and gore.

We thought things were about to get better when the man characters all drank some poison and died... until we realized that it was only tea with some sort of knockout drug in it, which means that they woke up, and the movie continued.

Sorry, Sara, but you know we're right.

Had the movie focused more on the part of the plot that involved the family, and made the group of friends the "secondary" plot, it would have been much better for it. The whole family dynamic of Deadly Weekend, while not perfect, was at least more interesting than the dynamic of four morons walking through the woods and arguing/pouting for most of the movie's runtime.

And what was with that ending? The whole "family get-together" thing sounded kind of interesting, and we would have liked to have seen where that would have gone. Then again we would have liked to have seen what happened to Sara Underwood's character too, but that didn't happen either. 

What did they do to Sara?!?

The acting in this one isn't so hot either, aside from the Daughters (and maybe even the Dad at times.) It's mostly the fault of the lackluster script, and most likely the direction, and maybe even the budget... but for a 170k, you can take a minute or two to coach your actors a little bit better, you know? They tried, it just didn't work out very well for most of them.

So much of the movie just felt awkward. Take for instance the scene in which a wounded Sara Underwood limps around a living room and gets tackled over a couch; we actually laughed at that, and it wasn't supposed to be funny. It felt like someone just told the poor girl "pretend someone is chasing you, and you're real scared!" and then just called "Action!"

"Just pretend that you're Googling something... and... Action!"

That "poor girl" is the lovely Sara Underwood, who despite being a former Playboy Playmate, didn't even get naked in this movie. That really begs the question: why was she in it to begin with? We adored her bubbly personality on Attack of the Show, we truly did, but the girl can't act to save her life. It's not her fault either; she's famous for being gorgeous, not acting, so we really we can't hate on her for trying.

She literally spends a 12 minute segment of the movie writhing around on the floor, and acting all terrified: She wakes up bound and alone in some sort of plastic-covered room, and she begins to whine "Why?!?" (for 12 minutes, like we just said), which mirrored exactly what we had been thinking the whole time... about the entire movie existing.

Because, Sara. Just because.

It was just a mess of a movie, kept from being truly horrible only by a few likable elements. If you think we're being unnecessarily harsh here, allow us to present to you the title card for one of the movie's stars, Patricia Morales... the one where they spelled her name wrong. Yeah.

Sorry, Particia.

There's a lot of good Torture Porn action in this one, and that of course means that its a pretty gory affair. If nothing else, this movie made the most out of some cheap practical effects, and really went for the gore.

Best scene in the movie.

We get some random dream-sequence boobs at the beginning, but none of them belong to Sara Underwood, who somehow manages to stay clothed throughout. I mean, she looks good wearing skimpy clothes, and she's pleasant to look at in general, but why was she not naked in this movie? She's built a career on being hot & naked, and yet she hardly leaned on her strengths here at all.

"No naked me, for you! LOL"

Sara Underwood is really hot. Then again, we already knew that, so maybe we learned nothing from this movie.

H.O.T.

Pro's: The "kids" in the movie were pretty good; Sara Underwood is really hot; and there's a lot of gore to be had here, most of which was pretty cool.

Cons: The acting; the bad dialogue; the poor delivery of said dialogue; choppy editing; horrible pacing; the fact that nothing really happens until nearly an hour into the 1hr 23m runtime...

Unless you're a die-hard Sara Underwood fan (and even then), there's really no need for you to see this movie. If you do happen to want to watch it, you'll at least get to see her running around in some skimpy clothes (in addition to some good gore), as the reward for your bravery. Good luck.

D-

Deadly Weekend is available now on DVD and VOD.

Deadly Weekend/Zellwood may not be a good movie, but Sara Underwood is so lovely to look at, that she definitely made it more bearable. At least now we can say that she was a Horror Hottie once in her career, and I suppose that's something.

VOD Review: The Abandoned (2016)

"Not a bad movie at all... until the ending arrived, slapped us in the face, and said "Ha ha, just kidding!"

What's not to like about a good Haunted House flick? A small group of people, alone in some sort of a remote or isolated locale, walking its shadowy hallways while being menaced by some pissed off ghosts?

That's the good stuff.

This movie is almost that, and in fact, it's exactly that for its first two acts. Then the final act arrives and it tries to explain what's going on, and ends with the worst kind cop-out that a movie could end with... which we are going to fully spoil below, so beware.

It's such a shame when that happens.

BEWARE: ENDING SPOILERS LIE BEYOND THIS POINT!

Streak, which might be the dumbest nickname for a girl that we've ever heard, has just taken a job as a third shift security guard at an abandoned upscale apartment building. She's on meds, and is at risk of losing her daughter, so she really has to play this one smart in order to get her life back on track... which is why she doesn't play it smart at all.

STREAK? REALLY?

Streak is partnered with an older, bitter guy in a wheelchair named Cooper, who doesn't have any patience dealing with new hires. They never last, after all, and so why get attached to them, only to have them quit a week later. When Streak begins breaking the rules (letting homeless people into the building, breaking into padlocked sections of the building) and telling copper that she's able to sense the presence of ghosts, he likes her even less.

"WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE YOUR CRAZY PILLS!"

Of course Streak's idiotic behavior gets both of them into all kinds of trouble, which leaves people dead, and a bunch of ghost kids roaming the halls of the old building, looking for vengeance. Or maybe it's all just an elaborate ruse. Meh.

WTF IS THAT?!?

The Abandoned is a competently shot movie that offers a decent amount of creepy moments, at least throughout the first two acts. Not only is the abandoned apartment building in which the movie is set a gorgeous location, but its twisting corridors and shadowy rooms make for the perfect setting for Supernatural shenanigans.

Jason Patric brings a level of legitimacy to this movie that it probably doesn't deserve, as without him, it would be just another run-of-the-mill Supernatural Horror flick with a shit ending. He was great though, and his co-star, Louisa Krause, wasn't bad either. She played crazy very well.

HE DOES KNOW THAT NO ONE ELSE IS AT THAT MEETING, RIGHT?

The biggest problem this movie faces is the ending, and what it meant for the entire narrative that came before it. When a movie like this, that bills itself as being scary, turns into something sentimental and emotional, it just kills it for us. What kills it even more is when that same movie ends in a way that negates everything else that happened throughout, using the old "It was all in their head", or "iI was all a dream" swerve. That just irks the shit out of us.

We were actually kind of annoyed that someone starting a new job would so blatantly disregard the rules of that job, and let homeless people in the building, break into locked rooms because she heard something, and act a fool in general. Especially when she needs that job to get her daughter back. Then again, the ending made all of that moot, so we're kind of bitching about nothing. 

THOSE ARE REAL THOUGH.

I guess the worst part of a twist ending like that is that we we went into this movie prepared for chills and thrills, and instead what we got in the end was a distraught Dad sitting by the bedside of his comatose daughter, whose mind the entire movie just took place in. If I want some somber shit like that, I'll turn on the Lifetime Channel. Please keep it out of my Horror flicks.

"I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH, I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH..."

Jason Patric is still awesome. Also, cop-out endings that negate everything that came before them really, really suck.

OH, THAT'S NEVER GOOD.

The Abandoned had a lot going for it, and if it hadn't have been for its "Oh come on!" type of ending, we probably would have enjoyed it more. We rate this one a C, because Jason Patric made it watchable for us, and because the things that it did manage to get right, worked fairly well for us.

It's probably worth a rent for most fans of Haunted House flicks, especially if they don't mind an ending that negates any and everything scary about the plot.

C

The Abandoned is available now on VOD.

We'd never abandon Louisa Krause.

Theatrical Review: Sinister 2 (2015)

I originally saw Sinister 2 back in September, but with the prep we needed to do for our Halloween festivities in October, I never sat down to write it up. Shame on me, I know, but them's the breaks.

Now that December is here though, it's time to play catch-up with all of the reviews that have been waiting in the wings so that we can get our year end Best/Worst Of 2015 lists ready to go.

With all of that said, Sinister 2 may not be as creepy as the first one was (our review of Sinister HERE), but it's a decent effort in its own way. Just a less scary one.

Everyone's favorite supernatural Boogey Man, Butthole, is back! Oh yes, he's back to claim the souls of more children by making them watch snuff movies and kill their families, and this time, he's set his sights on the twin sons (Dylan and Zach) of a sassy MILF (Courtney) who is on the run from her abusive husband. She's wisely decided to take up residence in an isolated farmhouse that just so happens to have a church where a heinous mass-murder has occurred, which makes their situation even worse. 

YOU DUN GOOFED.

Since the events of the first movie, Deputy So & So (now an ex-deputy) has been going around burning down the houses involved in Butthole's sinister game, so as not to allow him to kill anymore families and and add anymore kids to his creepy posse. When he meets the sassy MILF, who is staying in one of the homes associated with Butthole, he gets her drunk and tries to bang her, which shows just how human and emotionally vulnerable he is. He's all heart, really.

SCOUNDREL!

Butthole's gang of ghost kids shows up and coaxes young Dylan into watching the 8MM 16MM films of each of their family's murders, because somehow that will get him to kill his family, and allow him to join their ranks, even though we don't know what in the hell the point of it all is, or why the whole process has to be so damned complicated. Honestly though, why does Butthole claim the souls of children to begin with? Just to help him claim more children? What is your endgame, Butthole?

Supernatural hi-jinks ensue.

THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL.

Sinister 2 does not offer quite as many scares as the first movie did, but for some reason, we still found ourselves enjoying it almost as much as the original, even despite its flaws. I suppose it's James Ransone's Ex-Deputy So & So who made this sequel work as well as it did, as he's pretty much the star of the show. His interaction with Courtney, played by the ever-sexy Shannyn Sossaman, created a level of emotional drama that actually played well. Compelling characters are always a good thing.

JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

As for Bughuul and his creepy kid cult, they weren't quite as effective as they were in the first movie (mainly because they were on-screen all the damn time, and and after a while, it made their appearances less creepy), but I personally liked finding out more about them and their origins, especially Bughuul. That Norwegian Hell Call snippet was great, and I'd be fine with them making an entire movie based around that.

NOT REALLY AS CREEPY AS THEY LOOK.

As for what doesn't work so well in Sinister 2... well, it just wasn't all that scary. Interesting and engaging, yes, but it just lacked the intense and eerie atmosphere that was ever-present throughout the first movie. It felt like a retread at some points, even though it was doing a lot of things right.

The kill movies were cool too, but for some reason they felt less impactful and disturbing that the ones in the first movie did. It was kinda like how the traps in the Saw movies had less of a wow factor in the later movies. They were good, they just felt a bit too familiar.

NASTY LITTLE FILMS, THOSE.

Destroy all 8MM 16MM cameras (they upgraded for the sequel), because they're evil. Also, Shannyn Sossaman makes for one hell of a fine MILF.

SHE'S HOT EVEN WITH THAT UGLY SWEATER ON.

Not as good as the first one, but way better than most critics gave it credit for (it earned a horrid 14% on Rotten Tomatoes), Sinister 2 is a sequel that is a bit light on the scares, but big on ideas and character. We really liked James Ransone in the lead role, and the background that we got on Bughuul and his potential origins sucked us in and made us want more.

If you liked the first one, then temper your expectations a bit and give this one a go. It makes for a nice companion piece, if nothing else.

B

Sinister 2 will be available on VOD on December 22nd, and Blu-ray & DVD on January 12th.

There's nothing sinister about Shannyn "Sassy" Sossaman at all.